Tuesday, August 22, 2006        Edition: #3349
Avoid Sheet Fits – Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription!

TONIGHT “JC Penney Jam: The Concert for America’s Kids” (CBS), hosted by annoying Dr Phil & his annoying wife Robin, features performances by Jon Bon Jovi, Mary J Blige, Kenny Chesney & John Legend (benefits after-school programs) . . . TONIGHT 27-year-old singer Usher makes his Broadway debut playing slick lawyer ‘Billy Flynn’ in the stage production of the musical “Chicago” (through OCTOBER 1st) . . . It’ll be interesting to see what happens at SUNDAY’s 58th annual “Emmy Awards” after the Internal Revenue Service recently ruled those lavish gift baskets that awards show presenters receive will now count as taxable income (the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences has already announced it will eliminate its gift baskets at the “Oscars”, reportedly worth circa 100-grand) . . . “Rock Star: Supernova” host Brooke Burke & former “Baywatch” star David Charvet are getting married; might as well, as they’re already expecting a child . . . Think you’re seeing a lot of brand names in movies now? PQ Media is predicting that the placement of products in films, TV, video games and songs will triple by 2010 (when “Mission Impossible 4 Brought to You by Glad Kitchen Catchers” debuts) . . . Mel Gibson, who piously promised to get help after pleading guilty to DUI, has not checked into a traditional rehab, opting instead to stay home and get control of the problem via ‘outpatient therapy’ (that’s where his bartender says no after 4) . . . Users of MySpace are being warned by computer experts that viruses linked to the interactive site which boasts more than a million regular users can change settings, delete files, secretly track users’ movements online and even damage computers . . . And dozens of items from Paris Hilton’s household are up for bid in an online auction, including a scuffed up king-size bed, complete with much-used mattress (we’d want it scanned by CSI, then treated by a fumigator before buying).

• Faith Hill/Tim McGraw – TODAY they guest on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV).
• Finger Eleven – As they begin work on their 4th studio album, they’ve once again opened up the ‘Fingerphone’ where fans can call for studio updates. (PHONER: 416. 529.1198)
• Johnny Depp – TODAY he & 2 others involved in “The Pirates of the Caribbean” films are releasing “Rogue’s Gallery: Pirate Ballads, Sea Songs & Shanteys”, a 2-CD set of salty tunes sung by Bono, Sting, Bryan Ferry, Lou Reed, Rufus Wainwright, and others.
• Katharine McPhee – TODAY she’s a guest on daytime TV’s “The View” (ABC).
• Madonna – Reports say she kept celebs such as Gwyneth Paltrow waiting for 2 hours at her own 48th birthday party.
• Montgomery Gentry – Troy Gentry expects to be exonerated of illegally shooting a black bear on a Minnesota game farm. His lawyer claims he relied on a local guide to obtain proper credentials and thought what he did was legal. Legal or not, bow-‘hunting’ a penned bear is sick.
• OutKast – TODAY the soundtrack is released for their movie “Idlewild” (out FRIDAY), which is described as a ‘Prohibition-era gangster musical’.
• TI – TONIGHT he performs on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• “2006 Polaris Music Prize Album Of The Year Nominees” – TODAY this 10-track compilation is out, featuring the finalists for this year’s inaugural $20,000 prize for best Canadian album (to be awarded SEPTEMBER 18th). Among the artists featured: Broken Social Scene, Sarah Harmer, and K’naan.
• Also on CD TODAY: Merle Haggard’s “Back to the Barrooms”; Fatboy Slim’s “The Greatest Hits: Why Try Harder”; and the late Dusty Springfield’s “Complete A & B Sides 1963-1970″.

• “Elizabeth I” ( Historical Drama ): Helen Mirren plays the ‘Virgin Queen’ in this HBO production which charts her public & private life through her relationships with 2 men, the Earl of Leicester (Jeremy Irons) and the Earl of Essex (Hugh Dancy). Nominated for 13 “Emmys”, including acting awards for all 3 leads, as well as for directing, and for ‘Outstanding Mini-Series’.
• “From the Big Apple to the Big Easy” ( Musical Documentary ): The all-star benefit concert for Katrina relief held at NYC’s Madison Square Garden last SEPTEMBER features Elton John, Elvis Costello, Cyndi Lauper, Jimmy Buffett, Dave Matthews, Aaron Neville, and Simon & Garfunkel. Net proceeds from the 2-disc set go to further hurricane relief.
• “Just My Luck” ( Romantic Comedy ): Lindsay Lohan plays the luckiest girl in Manhattan whose good fortune takes a nose-dive after she meets a disaster-prone but handsome guy (Chris Pine) at a party and swaps karma with him during a kiss.
• “On Native Soil: The Documentary of the 9/11 Commission Report” ( Documentary ): Based on the best-selling book, it focuses on the terrorist attacks from the perspective of the victims’ families. Narrated by actors Kevin Costner & Hilary Swank.
• “Poseidon” ( Action Adventure ): Kurt Russell & Josh Lucas star in this update of 1972’s “The Poseidon Adventure”. On New Year’s Eve, the luxury ocean liner ‘Poseidon’ capsizes after being swamped by a tidal wave and passengers fight for their lives as they attempt to escape. The $140-million disaster film quickly sank at the box office. Partially filmed in Winnipeg.
• “Silent Hill” ( Horror Thriller ): Radha Mitchell plays a desperate mother whose adopted daughter suffers from what seems to be supernatural possession. In a last-ditch effort to find an explanation, she returns to the girl’s birthplace where a religious cult kidnaps the girl. Shot in Winnipeg, Toronto, Hamilton, Brantford & St Thomas ON.
• “Sketches of Frank Gehry” ( Biographical Documentary): A look at the life & work of the renowned Toronto-born architect responsible for some of the most stunning buildings in the world, including the Walt Disney Concert Hall in LA, the Guggenheim Bilbao museum in Spain, and the Experience Music Project in Seattle WA. Gehry’s current work includes a complete redesign of Toronto’s Art Gallery of Ontario (the ‘A-G-O’).
• Also on DVD TODAY: “House, MD: Season 2”; “Veronica Mars: The Complete 2nd Season”; “Threshold: The Complete Series”; and “Invasion: The Complete Series”.

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … men with gorgeous wives are so worried about losing them that they go out of their way to please them, adding a great deal of stress to their lives. According to a new Yale U study, that’s why men who marry ugly women live an average of 12 years longer. (But it seems more like 50.)
• Scientists say … the older you get, the less you are able to detect odors. The American Aging Association says our sense of smell diminishes with age because odor-related apocrine glands become less productive. (Maybe that’s the cause of ‘old people smell’ … they can’t.)
• Scientists say … sticking your fingers in your ears may cure hiccups because it short-circuits a nerve. Apparently many of the old-school hiccup remedies actually have some sound scientific reasoning. Here’s a few of them: gargling with water, swallowing stale bread, chewing on a vinegar-soaked sugar cube, squeezing the bridge of your nose, and pulling your tongue. (Dropping a brick on your big toe will also make you forget about your hics.)
• Scientists say … big bowls & spoons cause people to eat bigger portions of ice cream. New research published in the “American Journal of Preventive Medicine” finds that doubling the size of the bowl increases the amount of ice cream we serve ourselves by 31% on average. (Try using a flan-sized ramekin … and chopsticks.)

Officials at the World Aquarium at the City Museum in St Louis MO are hoping that a new exhibit that opened THIS WEEK will lead to a Guinness World Record for ‘Largest Exhibit of 2-Headed Animals’. A total of 10 two-headed snakes and turtles are on display, including the aquarium’s rare albino 2-headed rat snake named ‘We’.  (We thought all the 2-faced snakes were in the sales department.)

Wanting to lead a normal love life, a 24-year-old Indian businessman has asked New Delhi Hospital doctors to correct his rare medical condition called ‘diphallus’. That’s where a male is born with an extra … er … package. There have only been about 100 cases identified worldwide, but this case is especially rare in that both organs are fully developed. Doctors say the removal surgery will be difficult as blood flow to one organ must be maintained in order to save it. (Then for the first time in his life, the patient will have to decide whether to dress to the left or the right.)
– “Times of India”

THIS WEEK the 1st-ever “Pet Fashion Week” is underway in NYC. The event’s fashion director, Alexa Cach, claims it’s long overdue because pet couture has been driven by ‘pink bows and celebrities’ for far too long. She predicts pet fashion is an industry that’s here to stay. Amongst the animal-wear on display: a blue party dress for pooches ($195); cashmere sweaters for canines (circa $200); a one-of-a-kind diamond-studded dog collar ($250,000) which has already been sold; and an Emma Rose wedding dress with 10-foot train priced at $5,500. (Perfect for the well-heeled bitch.)
– “New York Post”

Here’s an offshoot of our preoccupation with electronic devices like PDAs, Blackberries and cellphones – we’re no longer buying watches to tell the time. In fact, the market for wristwatches has dipped 46% in just the past year. Even sales of cheap watches, which are rarely affected by overall market trends, are down. Market-research firm Packaged Facts says that’s because most of us are now checking the time on other electronic devices. (Bet you don’t look at the clock in your kitchen either – you look at the coffee-maker or microwave, right?)
– “Newsweek”

A collection of superstitions about weddings, most of which are old wives’ tales …
• The first gift the bride opens at the bridal shower should be the first gift she uses. (This superstition brought to you by the makers of KY jelly.)
• The person who gives the 3rd gift to be opened at the bridal shower will soon have a baby. (That’s cuz she slept with the groom first.)
• Good omens on a wedding day include seeing a rainbow, having the sun shine, meeting a black cat, and meeting a chimney sweep. Bad omens on your wedding day include a lizard running across the road, passing an open grave, meeting a nun, or seeing a pig. (Particularly if you’ve dated her.)
• If the groom drops the wedding band during the ceremony, the marriage is doomed. (Especially if it shatters.)
• The new bride must enter her home by the main door and must not trip or fall – the reason for the custom of carrying the bride over the threshold. (The cause of many a hernia.)
• If a single woman sleeps with a piece of wedding cake under her pillow, she will dream of her future husband. (But awaken with gook in her hair.)
• The spouse who goes to sleep first on the wedding night will be the first to die. (Particularly if the other isn’t quite finished consummating.)

A new Canadian Medical Association poll shows that only 9% of Canadian parents believe their children are overweight or obese when in fact 26% of our kids are actually porkers.
• Political phone calls are exempt from the federal ‘Do Not Call’ list that restricts unsolicited telemarketing. That’s bad news for folks in Michigan, who are being inundated with so-called ‘Robo’ calls, recorded messages from political candidates running in this year’s Michigan primary.
• The growing use of cellphones, as well as the desire of some land-line users to have an unlisted number, means that as many as 39% of all US phone numbers are now unlisted.
– “Buffalo News”


1945 [61] Steve Kroft, Kokomo IN, CBS News correspondent (“60 Minutes” since 1989)

1960 [46] Collin Raye, De Queen AR, country singer (“I Think About You”)

1961 [45] Roland Orzabal, Portsmouth UK, classic rocker (Tears for Fears-“Everybody Wants to Rule the World”)

1963 [43] Mila Mason, Dawson Springs KY, country singer (“That’s Enough of That”)

1963 [43] Tori (Myra Ellen) Amos, Newton NC, alt-rock singer (“The Beekeeper”)

1972 [34] Paul Doucette, Pittsburgh PA, rock drummer (matchbox twenty-“Bent”)

1973 [33] Howie Dorough (Dwaline), Orlando FL, has-been pop singer (Backstreet Boys-“Just Want You to Know”)

1978 [28] Jeff (Jean Francois) Stinco, Montréal QC, rock guitarist (Simple Plan-“Untitled [How Could This Happen To Me?]”)

• “Be An Angel Day”, a day to do ‘one small act of service for someone’. So if you see someone walking around yakking on a cellphone today, give ’em a slap upside the head … as a public service, of course.

• “Tooth Fairy Day”, honoring the devious dental donor who leaves money under kids’ pillows for lost teeth. The average price now paid for one of these is $1.78, according to a recent poll by “Redbook” magazine (March 2006).

565 [1441] 1st reported sighting of ‘Loch Ness Monster’ by Saint Columba (first president of the local tourist board)

1865 [141] 1st ‘Liquid Soap’ patented (we can thank William Sheppard for those public restroom dispensers that squirt goo down your sleeves)

1989 [17] British Telecom unveils world’s 1st ‘Pocket Phones’

1958 [48] Toronto Argos’ Boyd Carter & Dave Mann combine for CFL record 131-yd punt return (did they start in the parking lot or what?)

1998 [08] Westlock, Alberta farmers set Guinness World Record by using 64 combines to harvest 63 hectares (156 acres) in just 15 minutes, 43 seconds

1951 [55] Largest-ever crowd to see a basketball game (75,052 watch Harlem Globetrotters in a free performance)

1989 [17] 1st major league pitcher to strike out 5,000 batters (Nolan Ryan-Texas Rangers)

[Thurs-Sept 4] Montréal World Film Festival 2006
[Fri] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Sat] Make Your Own Luck Day
[Sat] Women’s Equality Day
[Sat] Single Parent Family Day
[Sun] 58th Primetime Emmy Awards
This Week Is … Save Your Smile Week
This Month Is … Family Meal Month


• “Billionaire Wills His Fortune to Imaginary Friend!”
• “Catholic Church Puts Confession Booths in Strip Joints!”
• “Boy Turns Beloved Aunt into Robot!”
• “Explorer Locates Original ‘Comfort Zone’!”
• “The ‘Nose Hose’ Will Make Tissues Obsolete!”
• “Sensible Putty!”

• Describe how you look and what you are doing exactly 20 years from this moment.
• If your life were made into a TV show, would it be a soap opera, drama, or sitcom? What would it be called?
• What is the correct order in which to wash your body when you’re taking a shower?

It was a really fancy reception, they served hors d’oeuvres … you know, a ham sandwich cut up into 40 pieces.

Today’s Question: More people now do this in AUGUST than any other month.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Get married.

There is no job so small that it can’t be made longer by listening to advice.

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