Monday, August 21, 2006        Edition: #3348
The Sheet Hits the Fans!

WEEKEND TABLOID BS:
• A source from the “Vanity Fair” shoot of Suri Cruise says the baby looks enough like Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes for their parentage to be plausible but she’s a bit of a runt and required 21 days of photography plus 3 days of digital touch-ups before the magazine and celebrity parents had a cover image they liked.
– PopBitch.com
• The premiere episode of KISS bassist/vocalist Gene Simmons’ new reality show (A&E), called “Gene Simmons Family Jewels”, was the most-watched series premiere of any A&E show since the launch of “Dog the Bounty Hunter” in 2004. Another episode airs TONIGHT.
– Blabbermouth.com
• TONIGHT the 2nd season of the hit TV drama “Prison Break” debuts (FOX), with ‘Michael Scofield’ (Wentworth Miller) and his fellow jailbirds escaped from prison and now the subjects of a nationwide manhunt. As they try to stay under the radar and avoid being caught, they’re also on the hunt for $5 million that’s supposedly hidden in Utah.
– “People”
• 66-year-old movie legend Al Pacino has signed on the dotted line to appear in “Ocean’s 13”,  joining the all-star cast that includes George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon & Andy Garcia. Pacino will play the owner of a hotel/casino complex in Las Vegas. Ellen Barkin, who Pacino starred with in the steamy thriller “Sea Of Love”, is also appearing in the movie.
– “The Sun”
• Just before her (first) wedding to Kid Rock, Pam Anderson discovered her digital camera was missing and freaked! Admitting to pals that the memory card is packed with some very risqué pics, she’s reportedly torn her house apart in a desperate search for the camera but it hasn’t turned up. Keep your eyes on the Internet, folks!
– “National Enquirer”
• Model Kate Moss’ perpetual loser boyfriend Pete Doherty pleaded guilty FRIDAY to 5 counts of possessing drugs, including heroin and crack, stemming from another arrest in London. Sentencing is scheduled for SEPTEMBER 4th, and this time he may actually see the inside of a jail cell. So much for those big rehab plans!
– “E!”
• Paris Hilton, who has declared herself this decade’s Marilyn Monroe, has bought the cemetery plot next to the movie idol … for her pet goat ‘Billy’. Also, she’s allegedly booked a gospel choir to perform at the private funeral in Los Angeles. Proof once again that for publicity, this girl will do almost anything.
– “Star Magazine”
• Gnarls Barkley went a little “Crazy” with their backstage demands at their show in NYC’s Central Park LAST WEEK. Among their necessities: a bucket of fried chicken, peanut butter & jelly, a pack of Magnum condoms, Swisher Sweet cigars, Jack Daniels whiskey, and Grey Goose vodka. All were provided but then the duo refused to go on. They finally emerged an hour later. Seems they were too busy drinking and … whatever … to be on time.
– “NY Post”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beyoncé – She admits she feels ‘sick with jealousy’ whenever she hears a great track by a rival artist. It’s what motivates her to keep her competitive edge, she says.
• Black Crowes – Speculation surrounding the end of frontman Chris Robinson & actress Kate Hudson’s marriage seems to be focusing on her close friendship with actor Owen Wilson. But there were reportedly longer-term issues … such as groupies during tours.
• The Darkness – Frontman Justin Hawkins has just checked himself into a London rehab clinic. He’s admitted to battling bulimia in the past. Odd for a guy, no?
• 50 Cent – Seems Fiddy’s $350,000 Lamborghini Murcielago just wasn’t bling enough on its own so he’s had it entirely chrome-plated, adding an estimated 100-grand to its value.
• Jessica Simpson – Not that anyone asked but she claims she has a ‘very long tongue’. Maybe she’s the evil female twin of Gene Simmons?
• Mariah Carey – She had a wardrobe malfunction during a recent concert. While singing “Fantasy” in Montréal, she stopped mid-song and rushed off stage. When she came back she explained to the audience, “The twins didn’t want to stay where they were supposed to.”
• Neil Diamond – Yep, he’s still kickin’. TODAY he sings on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated).
• Outkast – TONIGHT they’re on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) to hype the release of their movie “Idlewild”, opening FRIDAY.
• Paul McCartney – With the help of her sister and several aides, his estranged wife Heather Mills McCartney is filming her day-to-day life as she proceeds through their messy divorce. Why? She claims it’s solely for a personal record.
• Toby Keith – US troops in Iraq, Kuwait, Afghanistan and Qatar have already seen his new movie, “Broken Bridges”, nearly a month before its SEPTEMBER 8th release in theaters. It’s the first time a new movie has been screened in remote military bases prior to its theatrical debut.

SPICE UP YOUR BRAIN:
Researchers at the National University of Singapore report that tumeric, a staple ingredient in curry, seems to inhibit the development of Alzheimer’s in the elderly. The team has found that people who eat curry as little as once every 6 months perform better on cognitive tests than those who never eat curry. (But they had far fewer friends after breathing on them.)
– “New Scientist”

TURNPIKE TOTS:
Transportation experts say more babies are being born in vehicles on highways than ever before. (And what’s even more dangerous, more are being conceived there too!)
– Reuters

GETTIN’ HIGH ON SH— … LITERALLY:
Due to Malaysia’s incredibly strict anti-drug laws, a small but growing number of wannabe users have taken to getting high by sniffing … fresh cow dung. Apparently bull crap emits gases, such as sulphur, which give you a high similar to huffing glue. Malaysia’s national narcotics agency is considering legislation to ban the sniffing of dung, as well as glue and polystyrene smoke. The agency says the problem is not overly serious yet but it’s worrying because it means addicts can get high for free. (Actually, we’ve found a way to get people to pay for BS.)
– AP

HOLLYWOOD’S ALL-TIME ‘COOLEST’ ACTORS:
Based on a new survey of movie fans  …
5. Jack Nicholson … “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest” (1975)
4. Al Pacino … “Carlito’s Way” (1993)
3. Brad Pitt … “Fight Club” (1999)
2. Steve McQueen … “Bullitt” (1968)
1. Samuel L Jackson … “Pulp Fiction” (1994)
– “Contact Music”

WILL THE ANTI-UGLY PILL BE NEXT?
Molecular geneticists in Berlin, Germany are working to create what has been dubbed the world’s first ‘anti-stupidity pill’. The idea is to actually improve brain power through medication. So far, they’ve been able to increase attentiveness and short-term memory retention in mice and fruit flies. (Yeah, they’ve doubled it to a half-second.)
– “Bild”

REAL ICE BEER:
The world’s first Inuit microbrewery has created the world’s first beer using water melting off the ice cap covering Greenland. The first 66,000 liters of ‘Greenland Beer’ has hit the Danish market and the company plans to expand into Germany and beyond within 6 months. According to the brewery, the beer tastes better because it’s brewed using water at least 2,000-years-old that’s free of minerals and pollutants. (But don’t you hate it when you find a mastodon hair floating in your mug?)
– BBC World News

BS AMAZING FACT:
‘Elmo’s’ fish ‘Dorothy’ has died and been replaced 6 times since debuting on “Sesame Street”.

THE BULL SHEET 08.21.06

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1938 [68] Kenny Rogers, Houston TX, country singer (“Lucille”, “Coward of the County”)/Diamond Award for sales of more than 10 million copies of his “Greatest Hits” album/former TV-movie actor (“The Gambler I-VI”)/plastic surgery victim

1956 [50] Kim Cattrall, Liverpool UK [raised Vancouver Island], former TV actress (“Sex & The City” 1998-2004)/once dated PM Pierre Trudeau

1967 [39] Serj Tankian, Beirut, Lebanon, rock singer (System Of A Down-“Lonely Day”, “Hypnotize”)

1967 [39] Carrie-Anne Moss, Vancouver BC, movie actress (“The Matrix” 1-3″)

1979 [27] Kelis (Rogers), Harlem NY, pop singer (“Bossy”, “Milkshake”)

1987 [19] Cody Kasch , Camarillo CA, TV actor (‘Zach Young’ on “Desperate Housewives” since 2004)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Discovery Day” in the Yukon, celebrated on the 3rd Monday of August to commemorate the discovery of placer gold on Rabbit Creek (later known as Bonanza Creek) in 1896, which touched off the great ‘Klondike Gold Rush’.

• “Forgiveness Day”, a day to forgive spouses, children, family, friends, neighbors & enemies, even if you don’t tell them. It’s also a day to forgive … yourself.

• “Isra Al Mi’raj”, the annual Islamic commemoration of the ‘Ascent of Prophet Muhammad’.

• “Little League Baseball World Series”, the 60th championship through SUNDAY in Williamsport PA where some 100,000 are watching US and international teams battle to make the final. Representing Canada is the Whalley Little League team from Surrey BC.
NET: http://www.littleleague.org

• “Spumoni Day”, honoring the pistachio ice cream filled with dried fruits and nuts. The original Italian Spumoni is a molded dessert made by layering 2 or 3 different flavors of ice cream with a layer of sweetened whipped cream which has nuts and candied fruit folded in. Yummers!

• “Statehood Day” in Hawaii, celebrating the anniversary of it becoming the 50th state to join the USA on August 21, 1959. (2 things Hawaii doesn’t have – snakes and billboards. Apparently the snakes were all removed by plane.)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
2005 [01] The Rolling Stones kick off “A Bigger Bang” world tour in Boston MA (a year later, after pauses for a concussion and alcohol rehab, they’re still going!)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1841 [165] 1st ‘Venetian Blinds’ (later that night, the 1st ‘peeping Tom’)

1933 [73] 1st Major League Baseball ‘All-Star Game’ (Babe Ruth’s HR leads AL to 4-2 win)

1973 [33] 1st house made totally of recycled material (Richmond VA)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1986 [20] Colin Watson & Andre Douglas set the ‘World Hairdressing Record’ in Northcliff, South Africa by cutting, setting and styling hair continuously for 408 hours … 17 days!

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Tooth Fairy Day
[Thurs-Sept 4] Montréal World Film Festival 2006
[Fri] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Fri] “Beerfest”, “How to Eat Fried Worms”, “Invincible”, and “Idlewild” open in movie theaters

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Freedom of Enterprise Week / Save Your Smile Week

BULL’S BITS

WORST BS EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE FOR WORK:
• “Sorry, I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless moron for a boss.”
• “It took this long to get the ol’ blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.”
• “Damn car got stuck in reverse and I had to back all the way to work.”
• “Hey, time becomes meaningless when you’re strung out on crystal meth.”
• “I was up all night trying to figure out how to quit this crappy job and I overslept.”
• “Oh, we’re open Mondays?!?”

BS PHONE STARTER:
Should new moms be able to take their babies to work?

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• Your pet Dalmatian dog just had a litter of puppies. What color are they?
a. Black
b. White [CORRECT. Dalmatians are born pure white. They don't start getting spots until 3 or 4 days old.]
c. Spotted

• Hungarian countess Elizabeth Bathory died 392 years ago TODAY (1614). In her time, she was famous for her unusual baths. What was her tub filled with?
a. Champagne
b. Milk
c. Blood. [CORRECT. Convinced it made her skin ‘oh-so-silky’, she bathed in the blood drained from her female victims. “Your tub’s ready! Hurry up, before it scabs over!”]

BS RANDOM JOKES:
• You know you’re poor when you start to envy people with bus passes.
• Today’s gonna be a really exceptional day … Pam Anderson and Kid Rock aren’t scheduled to get married.

BS ‘WHO’S OLDER’?
You give out the celeb pair; your contestant guesses which is longer in the tooth (current ages in parentheses) ….
• Who’s older: Rachel Bilson (25) or Kate Bosworth (23)?
• Orlando Bloom (29) or Heath Ledger (27)?
• Paris Hilton (25) or Kirsten Dunst (24)?
• Cameron Diaz (34) or Gwyneth Paltrow (33)?
• Selma Blair (34) or Reese Witherspoon (30)?
• Ashlee Simpson (21) or Lindsay Lohan (20)?
• Johnny Depp (43) or Brad Pitt (42)?
• Christie Brinkley (52, older by 15 days) or Renee Russo (52)?
– “Us Weekly”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: There are more of THESE made in the summertime than at any other time.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: More twins are conceived in summer than any other time.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

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