Friday, August 18, 2006        Edition: #3347
Snakes on a SSSSSheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT the reality show “Cover Shot” debuts (TLC), in which everyday women are given the opportunity to experience what it’s like to be a magazine cover model (“Hey, they Photoshop-ed my entire body!”) . . . SATURDAY “Life Is Not a Fairy Tale” airs (Lifetime), a made-for-TV film based on the autobiography of “American Idol 3” winner Fantasia Barrino, who had to be persuaded to play herself (apparently no actress was willing to suffer the haircut) . . . SATURDAY’s “AmsterJam 2006” (so-named because it’s sponsored by Dutch beer Heineken) on NYC’s Randall’s Island features mash-ups that include Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers w/Foo Fighters; and  LL Cool J w/Latin funk group Yerba Buena (what mash-up would you like to see – Nickelback w/Tommy Hunter?) . . . SATURDAY a 60th birthday charity bash for former US prez Bill Clinton at the Beacon Theater in NYC features a performance by the Rolling Stones, if Mick Jagger’s throat is willing (the entire event will be filmed by legendary director Martin Scorsese) . . . SUNDAY the 8th annual “Teen Choice Awards” (FOX) are hosted by Jessica Simpson & Dane Cook (co-stars of the movie comedy “Employee of the Month”, out this OCTOBER), highlighted by her ex- Nick Lachey’s nomination in the ‘Male Hottie’ category; his current squeeze Vanessa Minillo’s nomination for ‘Choice TV Personality’; and Kevin Federline closing the show with a live performance of his hip-hop/rock single “Lose Control” (thereby burying any chance he had at a ‘career’) . . . SUNDAY the pre-taped “Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner” airs, the one at which pseudo-comedian Andy Dick went berserk backstage, licking several has-been actresses, biting a journalist and then urinating in front of her (the onstage antics are likely to be far tamer) . . . Former NBA star Rick Fox (LA Lakers) has landed a role opposite Courteney Cox in the new TV series “Dirt” (FX), about a tabloid editor & her photographer (unfortunately it’s a comedy – a knock ‘em down and snap ‘em drama would’ve been cutting edge!) . . . A 12-episode TV series about life on the front lines in Iraq called “My War Diary” will air THIS FALL (Discovery Channel/Military Channel), featuring homemade video by soldiers (gee, any hilarious candid shots from Abu Ghraib?) . . . And according to a new study published in the “Archives of Disease in Childhood”, TV really does act like a painkiller when it comes to kids (unfortunately, also like a ‘brain killer’).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Brooks & Dunn – TODAY they guest on the “Today Show” (NBC).
• Christina Aguilera – THIS MORNING she’s doing “Good Morning America” (ABC).
• Darryl Worley – The “Good Day To Run” country singer is divorcing Beverly, his wife of 5 years. He claims they’re still best friends and will handle the situation with ‘honor & dignity’. Now there’s a show biz first!
• Feist – TONIGHT she’s a guest on “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC).
• Justin Timberlake – He’ll play 100 in-the-round arena shows worldwide beginning next JANUARY and running through October.
• Kasey Chambers – The Aussie country singer has postponed all her FALL tour dates until early 2007 due to ‘personal reasons’. Let the rumors begin!
• Kelly Clarkson – THIS WEEK she turned some heads at LA’s Key Club when heavy rockers Metal Skool enticed her onstage to chug from a bottle of Chivas Regal. She then called on new boyfriend Ryan Key (Yellowcard) to join her in renditions of Guns N’ Roses’ “Sweet Child O’ Mine” and Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”.
• Natasha Bedingfield – TODAY she’s on a rerun of the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated).
• Shakira – TOMORROW she’s the musical guest on “Saturday Night Live” (NBC).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Accepted” ( PG-13 Comedy ): When high school burnout ‘B’ Gaines (Justin Long) discovers he’s been rejected from every college he’s applied to, he creates a fake school (South Hampton Institute of Technology) in order to appease his parents. Blake Lively (“Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants”) plays the girl ‘B’ wants to impress. Music & sound clips here …
NET: http://www.acceptedmovie.com/index1.html
• “Bon Cop Bad Cop” ( 13+ Crime Comedy ): A bilingual comic farce in which a straight-laced Toronto detective (Colm Feore) must learn to play nice with an unruly Montréal cop (Patrick Huard) in order to solve a murder on the Ontario-Québec border. The film is making its English-Canada debut after already cleaning up at the box office in Québec. Trailer is here …
NET: http://www.cinoche.com/trailers/1939/2664
• “The Illusionist” ( PG-13 Period Drama ): In turn-of-the-20th-century Vienna, a magician (Edward Norton) uses his abilities to secure the love of a woman far above his social standing (Jessica Biel). His efforts are challenged by Crown Prince Leopold (Rufus Sewell) who dispatches his Chief Inspector (Paul Giamatti) to unveil the magician as a fraud. Trailer here …
NET: http://www.theillusionist.com/
• “Material Girls” ( PG Family Comedy ): Sisters Hilary Duff & Haylie Duff star as – what else? – wealthy sisters who are heiresses to a cosmetics fortune. But after a family scandal surfaces,  they’re in jeopardy of losing everything. Anjelica Huston, Brent Spiner & Lukas Haas co-star. The Duffs’ sugary remake of the Madonna song that provided the film’s title is here …
NET: http://www.mgm.com/materialgirls/
• “Snakes on a Plane” ( R-Rated Horror ): Interest in this film has been stoked for months by fan frenzy on the Internet; the reason it actually opened with a sneak peak LAST NIGHT at 10 pm. The title says it all: Samuel L Jackson stars as a US Marshal accompanying a key witness to Hawaii on a commercial flight, but an assassin attempts to get rid of the witness by releasing a crate of 400 snakes. Benjamin McKenzie (“The OC”) & Juliana Margulies (ex-“ER”) co-star. The Website allows you to send a friend (or yourself) a phone call from Samuel L Jackson …
NET: http://www.snakesonaplane.com/

BATTLE IN THE BUFF:
Here’s a poker tournament where you can lose your shirt … literally! What started out as an “April Fool’s” prank at an online gambling site has turned into a real event thanks to overwhelming interest from people who want to play strip poker for cash. SATURDAY at the Café Royal Casino in London, England, some 200 entrants will compete for a £10,000 grand prize and the ‘Golden Fig Leaf’ trophy in the 1st-ever “World Strip Poker Championship”. As well as flashing some flesh, the tourney looks likely to set some sort of world record. (In strip poker, does a pair cause a straight? And will they be playing Texas Hold ‘Em?)
NET: http://strippoker.paddypower.com/
– “Curious Times”

MOMMY MARKERS:
Japanese rail companies are providing pregnant women with badges in the hope of prompting other passengers on Tokyo’s crowded trains to offer them seats. The pink & blue badges reading: “There is a baby in my belly!” are being handed out at stations around the region to try to make commutes and other train trips easier for pregnant women, who are often left standing. Oh, by the way – no proof of pregnancy is required. (There’s gonna be a lot of scams involving a pillow under the belt!)
– Reuters
    
APES ONLINE:

A Dutch zoo is introducing a pioneering Internet matchmaking service for its … orangutans. The Apenheul Wildlife Park is installing computer screens with live webcams in its ape enclosures in order to allow them to look for orangutan mates living in rescue centers in far away Borneo. Zookeepers are confident that when one ape particularly likes another, it will point it out to their handlers. (Or at least list the hot little monkey in their ‘Friend Space’.)
– AFP

BIG BROTHER’S NO COMEDIAN:
When it comes to being funny, chances are the younger siblings in a family are more able to entice a laugh better than their elder siblings. Professor Richard Wiseman, who specializes in the psychology of humor at Britain’s University of Hertfordshire, has found that a little over 50% of younger siblings find it easy to be funny, compared to just a third of first-borns. Could it be the younger members of the family have to crack jokes in order to get attention? (So who’s the funny one in your family?)
– ANI Science & Health

FAT-ASS FAKES:
AUGUST is officially “Inventors Month” and here’s one our favorite invention stories: Tokyo inventor Katsuo Katugoru is famous for inventing ‘Inflatable Underpants’, designed to act as a life preserver by expanding to 30 times their original size in the event of a tidal wave. Unfortunately, he was wearing a pair on a commuter train and accidently set them off when reaching into his pocket. Commuters were only saved from being crushed by a brave bystander … who stabbed the shorts with a pencil. (That’s one time people breathed a sigh of relief when they heard someone passing gas.)
– AHN

THE BULL SHEET 08.18.06

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1937 [69] Robert Redford, Santa Monica CA, movie director (“A River Runs Through It”)/movie actor (“The Horse Whisperer”)/Sundance Film Festival founder

1952 [54] Patrick Swayze, Houston TX, has-been movie star (“Dirty Dancing”)/vapid has-been pop singer (“She’s Like the Wind”)

1955 [51] Steve Wilkinson, Belleville ON, country singer (The Wilkinsons-“Jimmy’s Got a Girlfriend”)/father of Tyler & Amanda

1957 [49] Denis Leary, Worcester MA, TV actor (“Rescue Me” since 2004)/movie actor (“The Thomas Crown Affair”)  FACTOID: He’s raised more than $7 million since creating his Leary Firefighter Foundation. Its latest good deed is donating a $250,000 fireboat to the Boston Fire Department.

1969 [37] Christian Slater (Hawkins), NYC, stage actor (“One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”)/movie actor (“Broken Arrow”)/re-hab regular

1969 [37] Edward Norton, Columbia MD, movie actor (“The Illusionist”, “The Italian Job”)

SATURDAY –
Former US President Bill Clinton is 60; Classic rocker John Deacon (Queen) is 55; TV actor John Stamos (“Jake in Progress”) is 43; TV actress Kyra Sedgwick (“The Closer”) is 41; Country singer Lee Ann Womack (“Finding My Way Back Home”) is 40; Country singer Clay Walker (“I Can’t Sleep”) is 37; TV actor Matthew Perry (“Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip”) is 37; Rapper Fat Joe (“Get It Poppin’”) is 36.

SUNDAY –
Classic rocker Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin) is 58; Rocker Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit) is 36.

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Bad Poetry Day”, a day to compose some really rotten rhyme as revenge against all that ‘good poetry’ you were forced to study in school. (“ So, you’re a poet but you don’t know it, Just try writing some verse but don’t be terse, And after it’s writ it will likely read like …”)
• “Canadian National Exhibition” through September 4th, a late summer tradition in Toronto since 1879. THIS YEAR’s Ex features an aerial acrobatics & ice skating show, a salute to Canadian Forces, the 10th annual “Toronto Urban Music Festival” and, as always, the “Canadian International Air Show”.
NET: http://www.theex.com/index.php
• “Winnie’s Hometown Festival” in White River ON, the 18th annual weekend celebration of local-bear-made-good, ‘Winnie-the-Pooh’.
NET: http://www.winnieshometownfestival.org
• “National Truck Driving Championships” in New Orleans LA through Saturday. Over 400 professional truckers vie for the top honor, ‘National Grand Champion’, in the 69th annual competition.
NET: http://www.truckline.com/2k6ntdc/ntdc2k6.aspx

SATURDAY –
• “Homeless Animals Day”, to call attention to the millions of pets are put down in North American shelters each year due to overpopulation. Sponsored by the International Society for Animal Rights, whose motto is “Spay/Neuter! It Stops the Killing!”
NET: http://www.isaronline.org
• “Pacific National Exhibition” in Vancouver through September 4th, now known as “The Fair at the PNE”. Highlights of the 96th edition include the “International Sand Sculpture Competition”, the “Canadian Freestyle Motocross Championships” and Canadian Forces demonstrations. Is the military having a marketing push this year or what?
NET: http://www.pne.ca
• “National Aviation Day”, an annual observance honoring the birthday of Orville Wright, who piloted the first self powered flight in history on December 17, 1903.
• “Natural Chimneys Jousting Tournament” in Mt Solon VA, staged annually on the 3rd Saturday of August. It’s the oldest, continuously-held sporting event in the USA, replete with horses, lances, swords and body armor – just like in medieval England!
NET: http://www.uvrpa.org/specialevents.htm

SUNDAY –
• “Potato Day”. Don’t know why or what we’re supposed to do … but bet they’re excited in PEI!
• “Radio Day”, for no apparent reason other than someone penciled it in on a calendar years ago. To celebrate, all on-air personalities get a hefty raise, free lunch and a magnum of champagne … in your dreams!

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1986 [20] John Tesh debuts as co-anchor of TV’s “Entertainment Tonight” (later pursues lukewarm music and milquetoast radio careers)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1997 [09] The Rolling Stones launch their” Bridges to Babylon” tour with a news conference and mini-concert under NYC’s Brooklyn Bridge

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1859 [147] 1st to cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope (40,000 watch Charles ‘The Great’ Blondin carry his manager on his back and hoist a stove on which he then cooks an omelette – 160 ft in the air!)

1900 [106] 1st use of the word ‘Television’ (some guy named Perskyi in France)

1922 [84] 1st ‘Caesar Salad’ is concocted in Tijuana, Mexico (named for ‘Caesar’s Restaurant’)

COMING UP . . .
[Mon] “Prison Break” season debut (FOX)
[Mon] Spumoni Day
[Mon] Homeless Animals Day
[Mon] Discovery Day (Yukon)
[Tues] Tooth Fairy Day
[Thurs-Sept 4] Montréal World Film Festival 2006
This Week Is … Resurrect Romance Week
This Month Is … Immunization Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS

BS THINGS YOU SHOULD TRY TO DO BEFORE TURNING 30:
• Stop using flags as curtains.
• Buy at least one item of furniture somewhere besides the Goodwill.
• Wear a suit to something other than a wedding or funeral.
• Finish high school.
• Own a pair of underwear your mommy didn’t buy you.
• Get a job that doesn’t require a name tag and a paper hat.

TOP SWAPS:
The week’s most-requested music files online …
5. Justin Timberlake – “SexyBack”
4. Ne-Yo – “Sexy Love”
3. Young Dro – “Shoulder Lean”
2. Ciara – “Get Up”
1. Gnarls Barkley – “Crazy”
– Big Champagne online music measurement

BS RANDOM JOKES:
• Consultants are like eunuchs in a harem … they know how it’s done; they’ve seen it done every day; but they’re unable to do it themselves.
• Well, I see from your outfit that you think anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Baskin Robbins once experimented with THIS flavor, the only vegetable-flavored ice cream ever mass-produced.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Ketchup.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Swallow your pride … it’s non-fattening.


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