Thursday, August 17, 2006        Edition: #3346
Ahhh, It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

TONIGHT is opening night on Broadway for comedian Martin Short’s autobiographical musical, “Martin Short: Fame Becomes Me” (apparently modesty does not) . . . 40 years after first appearing in the original “Star Trek” TV series, William Shatner will again play the role of ‘Captain James T Kirk’ for the video game “Star Trek: Legacy” (due for OCTOBER release), but thankfully only his voice will be used (his face has been lifted so many times his eyes are actually nipples) . . . A source claiming inside knowledge says deadweight wannabe rapper Kevin Federline gets more money from his wife’s fortune for each kid he sires (well, guess you can expect Britney Spears to have 20 to 30 more kids) . . . 59-year-old actor James Woods has dumped his 20-year-old girlfriend Ashley Madison, apparently due to her insensitivity after the unexpected death of his brother (he was grieving, she just wanted to play on the swings) . . . Buzz from over-the-pond says fashion designer Stella McCartney is attempting to set up her soon-to-be-divorced pop Paul with her friend Gwyneth Paltrow’s mom – “Meet the Parents” actress Blythe Danner (at 63, she’s actually more in his demographic) . . . Because you really need to know, “Simple Life” malnutrition victim Nicole Richie is now at her all-time lowest weight, just 82 lbs, well under the 110 recommended for her 5’-2” frame (the good news is, she has a new gig at Hollywood Billiards as a pool cue)  . . . And these new entries will appear in the 2007 “Guinness Book of World Records”: ‘Highest Earnings for a Female Singer’ (Madonna, 2004); ‘Highest Paid Actor in a Debut Role’ (The Rock for “The Scorpion King”, 2002); and the new category ‘Most Overrated Person’ goes to – who else? – Paris Hilton (again getting publicity for doing … absolutely nada).

• Beyoncé Knowles – She shed 20 lbs for her “Dreamgirls” film role using the ‘Maple Syrup Diet’, eating only syrup mixed with water, lemon juice & cayenne pepper for days at a time. Dieticians warn the extreme diet lacks fats, proteins, vitamins & minerals and could eventually put you in the hospital.
• Billy Joel – TODAY he guests on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated).
• Christina Aguilera – She has no regrets about over-spending on her wedding to Jordan Bratman even though she admits it was ‘somewhat over the top’. The Napa Valley ceremony, complete with Christian Lacroix gown, diamond-studded rosary, Renaissance-style temple, and 17-piece orchestra cost about – whoa! – $2 million!
• Fatboy Slim – TONIGHT he performs on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).
• Janet Jackson – One method she used to shed some 60 lbs was substituting strawberries for chocolate. Another tip: eating something every 3 hours, a practice she admits she’s let slide.
• Soul Asylum – TONIGHT they guest on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).

A selection of movies now being made …
• “The Dark Knight” –  Reese Witherspoon’s husband Ryan Phillippe (“Crash”) has reportedly landed the role of ‘Harvey Dent’/’Two-Face’ in the upcoming “Batman Begins” sequel (due 2008). He’ll join new ‘Batman’ Christian Bale, Heath Ledger (‘The Joker’), Michael Caine (‘Alfred Pennyworth’) and Morgan Freeman (‘Lucius Fox’). Oscar-winner Philip Seymour Hoffman (“Capote”) is in talks to play ‘The Penguin’ in the new film.
• “A Mighty Heart” – TV actor (“Judging Amy”) & screenwriter ( “Capote”) Dan Futterman has secretly been cast to star in the new the bio-film about slain “Wall Street Journal” reporter Daniel Pearl, who was abducted and killed in Pakistan while researching a story about Muslim fundamentalists. Due to security concerns, a 10-day shoot on location in Karachi and Islamabad was kept completely under wraps. When Angelina Jolie was recently announced as the film’s co-star, playing Pearl’s wife Mariane, it was insinuated the title role had yet to be cast. Instead, it seems a bit of subterfuge was being created. The film’s due in theaters in 2007.
• “The Queen” – Actress Helen Mirren (“Calendar Girls”) portrays current British monarch Queen Elizabeth II in this recently wrapped bio-film, due in theaters this OCTOBER. One scene depicts her majesty in such turmoil over public backlash at the royal family following the tragic death of Princess Diana that she contemplates abdicating the throne. It’s only the Queen Mother who persuades her to keep a stiff upper lip. Filmmakers insist the scene is accurate and based on extensive research.
• “Sweeney Todd” – With “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” rocketing up the all-time box office list ($857 million worldwide and counting), you’d think Johnny Depp would have his pick of projects. Not so. He’s been ordered to take a voice test before composer Stephen Sondheim will give his blessing for him to star in one of Sondheim’s most-celebrated musicals. Depp has sung in bands since he was 13, but the 76-year-old musical theater legend fears his vocals may be too rock ‘n roll to play the murderous barber.

• A Russian woman is using the Internet to sell her body as a billboard at a rate of $1 per millimeter. The 25-year-old, known on her blog only as ‘Natasha’, promises to display each slogan or picture for an entire year. Advertisers can choose where on her body they want to place their message, excepting a few strategic areas that are not for sale. The minimum purchase is $100 for 100 mm, about 4 inches. (She’s selling her body … and it’s legal!)
• A horrified German pig farmer has watched 22 of his prize porkers explode in front of his eyes! Police discovered the pigs had eaten large quantities of plastic explosives spilled from a derailed train car. A local vet says the explosives smelled like rotten eggs so it was natural the pigs would make a meal of it. (“How’s that pork chop, hon’?” “It’s dynamite!”)
• Frenchmen are crossing the English Channel in droves to get ‘snipped’. Why? Even though it hasn’t been prosecuted in 45 years, French doctors are leery of risking criminal charges by performing simple vasectomies. According to France’s 19th-century Napoleonic Code, vasectomies fall under a law banning acts of … ‘self-mutilation’. (Like you’re gonna do it yourself – oww!)

Highlights of a new Zogby International poll on pop culture …
• 77% of Americans can name 2 of “Snow White’s” 7 dwarfs, but only 24% can identify 2 Supreme Court justices.
• 60% can name ‘Homer Simpson’s’ son ‘Bart’, but only 21% can name one of Homer’s epic ancient Greek poems, “The Iliad” and “The Odyssey”.
• 57% of Americans know who ‘Harry Potter’ is but only 50% can identify Tony Blair as British Prime Minister. (Even though he’s one of the few supporting their idiotic war.)

The UK’s Defence Secretary Des Browne has announced that soldiers convicted of desertion or cowardice will be pardoned. These are World War I troops he’s speaking of … who were executed. It’s believed that some 306 Brit soldiers were executed for what was then perceived as ‘misbehaving in front of the enemy in such a manner as to show cowardice’, but it’s now believed the vast majority were suffering from such extreme shell-shock that it would have been medically impossible for them to serve as soldiers. (We goofed but you’re dead … sorry.)
– Reuters

Sharing a bed with someone may seem simple, but University of Minnesota Family Social Science professor Paul Rosenblatt says it can be a complicated, changing and often challenging experience. He explores the art of sleeping with a partner in his new book titled, “Two in a Bed: The Social System of Couple Bed Sharing”. Among the issues bed buddies must deal with: snoring, stealing the covers, cold feet, tucked (or untucked) sheets, who sleeps near the door, who gets more room, sleep-talking, sleep-walking, temperature preferences, bathroom trips, tossing & turning, restless legs, grinding teeth, and nightmares. (Whoa, no wonder some people opt for twin beds … in different rooms … on separate floors.)

• In Russia, prosecutors say it appears inmates at a prison in the Astrakhan region have been having drugs delivered via … carrier pigeon. After dropping their load, the birds are apparently trained to fly back to their masters carrying payments. (Seems statues aren’t the only ones getting their sh– from pigeons.)
• In Florida, an Osceola County man is accused of impersonating a sheriff’s deputy after illegally stopping vehicles using flashing lights, a badge and a Taser, all of which he managed to obtain either online or from magazines. He was caught while attempting pull over a real police officer. His regular job? Security guard with Gold Leaf Security. (You know, a wannabe cop.)
• In Bulgaria, a psychic has been ordered by a judge to stop reading the minds of her relatives. Her family says they’re sick and tired of her telling them what’s going to happen before it happens. (All moms do that – “Take a sweater with you or you’ll catch your death of cold!”)

“People think he looks so normal, and he’s so sweet and he’s so earnest, but he can’t carry a tune in a bucket.”
– Justin Timberlake trashing “American Idol” winner Taylor Hicks in “Vanity Fair”.

At any given time, clouds cover more than half the Earth.


1943 [63] Robert De Niro, NYC, movie actor (“Meet the Fockers”, 2 Oscars-“The Godfather II”, “Raging Bull”)

1958 [48] Belinda Carlisle (Kurczeski), Hollywood CA, classic rock singer (“Mad About You”, w/The GoGos–“We Got the Beat”)

1960 [46] Sean Penn, Santa Monica CA, movie actor (“The Interpreter”, Oscar-“Mystic River”)/Mr Robin Wright since 1996/ex-Mr Madonna 1985-89  UP NEXT: “All the King’s Men”, based on the classic Robert Penn Warren novel, opening SEPTEMBER 22.

1962 [44] Gilby Clarke, Cleveland OH, rock guitarist (Guns N’ Roses-“November Rain”)/reality TV personality (“Rock Star: Supernova”)

1964 [42] Colin James (Munn), Regina SK, rock/blues singer/guitarist (“Into the Mystic”,
& the Little Big Band-“I Just Came Back”)

1965 [41] Steve Gorman, Muskegan MI, rock drummer (Black Crowes-“Hard to Handle”, “She Talks to Angels”)

• “Archeology Day” … but unfortunately, we couldn’t dig up any information on why.

• “Super Ex” (aka “Central Canada Exhibition”) through August 27th, Ottawa’s 118-year-old annual fair. THIS YEAR’s free concert series on the Super Stage includes performances by Michelle Wright, April Wine, Fefe Dobson, Hedley, and Kim Mitchell.

• “Thriftshop Day”, or as [co-host] refers to it … ‘Get a New Wardrobe Day’.

1990 [16] 1st edition of “The Directory of Elvis Impersonators” is released

1994 [12] Actor David Caruso quits “NYPD Blue” to pursue a movie career – which bombs big time (eventually returns to the small-screen to star in “CSI: Miami”)

1993 [13] LAPD begin investigation of Michael Jackson after a 13-year-old boy tells his therapist that he’s been abused (no charges are laid, but a civil suit is settled out of court in JANUARY 1994)

1995 [11] Microsoft buys worldwide rights to the Rolling Stones tune “Start Me Up” to promote the release of Windows ‘95

1912 [94] 1st ‘Drive Across Canada’ (Thomas Wilby zips from Halifax to Victoria in just 52 days!)

1960 [46] 1st ‘Birth Control Pill’ hits the market (‘Enovid 10′)

[Fri] Bad Poetry Day
[Fri] “Material Girls” and “Snakes on a Plane” open in movie theaters
[Fri-Sept 4] Canadian National Exhibition (Toronto)
[Sat-Sept 4] Pacific National Exhibition (Vancouver)
[Sat] Aviation Day
[Sun] 2006 Teen Choice Awards
[Sun] Radio Day
[Mon] “Prison Break” season debut (FOX)
This Week Is … Buckle Up Week
This Month Is … Water Quality Month


• If you break your first one, you can always get another.
• Two extra arms to hold packages while you shop.
• They can open jars – once you loosen them for them.
• They’ll tell you whatever you want to hear.
• All the joys of motherhood without the labor.
• Who else are you gonna laugh at?

See if your contestant can guess the single answer that fills the following categories …
• The one & only country that is also a continent. [Australia]
• The one & only continent without reptiles or snakes. [Antarctica]
• The one & mammal that can fly. [Bat]
• The one & only bird that can fly … backwards. [Hummingbird]
• The one & only bird that can swim, but not fly. [Penguin]
• The one & only food that does not spoil. [Honey]
• The one & only metal that is liquid at room temperature. [Mercury]
• The one & only part of the human body that can’t repair itself. [Teeth]
• The one & only king without a moustache in a deck of playing cards. [King of Hearts]
• The one & only number in the English language that has the same number of letters in its name as its value. [4]
• The one & only country that has a Bill of Rights … for cows. [India]
• The one & only Canadian Prime Minister to get married while in office. [Pierre Trudeau]
• The one & only animal whose evidence is admissible in a US court. [Bloodhound] 
• The one & only  recipient of a Golden Globe Award for ‘Most Glamorous Actress’. [Zsa Zsa Gabor in 1958.]

• Who is the all-time top movie villain?
• What’s the worst job you have ever had?
• Who did you know BEFORE they became famous?

• I think the real trouble with the world is that everybody else in it is 3 drinks behind.
• Please, take my advice … I’m not using it.

Today’s Question: According to the experts, you should never do THIS on a sunny day.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Wash your car. The Sun softens the paint, making it more easily scratched. (“Consumer Reports”)

When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.

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