Tuesday, August 8, 2006        Edition: #3339
It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

TODAY “American Idol 6” auditions begin in Los Angeles, the first of 7 cities on the new season’s audition tour, including 2 in the South (where all previous winners have come from) . . . Kid Rock & the new Mrs Rock, Pamela Anderson, are reportedly enjoying an exotic honeymoon – in his hometown of Detroit (seen the photos – he’s a real catch, isn’t he?) . . . A new play entitled “Thorough Search” is a surprise hit in Sao Paulo, Brazil where it’s a sell-out every night because it’s staged – in a bathroom at the Renaissance Theatre, which can only accommodate 30 standing-room patrons at a time (unfortunately they’re all facing the wall, but the actors are flushed with pride nevertheless) . . . 4 of the faux NASCAR race cars used to shoot “Talladega Nghts: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” are up for charity auction on eBay, including the Wonder Bread and ME cars driven by Will Ferrell; the Old Spice car (John C Reilly) and the Perrier car (Sacha Baron Cohen) . . . Actor Jack Nicholson is planning to demolish the mold-infected derelict Mulholland Drive house that was home to his late friend & neighbor Marlon Brando and plant flangipani flowers over the entire lot . . . Movie star Tom Cruise’s 13-year deal with Paramount Pictures has just lapsed and execs say he’s facing a ‘financial adjustment & reality check’ before he can continue his career (translated from Hollywoodese: he’s getting a pay cut) . . . 34-year-old 7-time Canadian figure skating champion Elvis Stojko has just finished recording his as-yet-untitled debut album, which he describes as ‘edgy adult contemporary’ (as a singer, he’s a great skater) . . . Officials have voted down a plan to install a bronze statue of Sylvester Stallone’s movie character ‘Rocky Balboa’ at the foot of the stairs to the Philadelphia Museum of Art, the same ones ‘Rocky’ famously ran up in the original 1976 film (Stallone modestly donated the statue of himself to the city in 1982) . . . And the “Wall Street Journal” is reporting that advertisers will soon be able to book TV network commercial time … by bidding for it on eBay (pass that idea on to your sales department; it’s worth a free lunch!).

• Barry Manilow – He’s having surgery to repair torn cartilage in both hips (his last remaining original parts). Recovery is expected to take about 8 weeks.
• Ciara – Her new single “Get Up” f/Chamillionaire is a highlight of TODAY’s release of the soundtrack to the new movie “Step Up” (opening FRIDAY). Also featured are tracks by Kelis, Chris Brown, and Yung Joc.
• Ludacris – Oprah can run him down as a bad-boy all she wants, but after a wheelchair-bound fan recently wrote him, asking him to be her high school prom date, he checked his sked, noted the night was free … and accepted!
• Mariah Carey – She changes her clothes 9 times per show during each concert of “Adventures Of Mimi: The Voice, The Hits, The Tour”. Her body’s gonna get chapped!
• Prince – He’s been lined up to perform at halftime of “Super Bowl XLI” on FEBRUARY 4, 2007 in Miami FL.
• Rolling Stones – They’ve enraged their support band Kasabian by insisting its members pay $280 each for a ticket if they want to watch the Stones after their slot.
• Tim McGraw/Faith Hill – At their recent “Soul2Soul II” tour stop in Nashville TN, scalpers outside the sold-out Gaylord Entertainment Center were getting $200-a-pop for tix.
• Toby Keith – His “White Trash With Money” album is the 1st platinum seller for his own record label, Show Dog Nashville. That means this white trash now has a whole lot more money.
• Also in stores TODAY: Breaking Benjamin’s “Phobia”; Gin Blossoms’ “Major Lodge Victory”; Ani DiFranco’s “Reprieve”; Fourplay’s “X”; “The Best of the Doors”; and Khaki King’s “Until We Felt Red”.

• “Chasing Time: The Bedlam Sessions” ( Music Concert ): A live set by UK singer/songwriter James Blunt shot in London’s BBC studios last NOVEMBER. Features music from his breakthrough “Back to Bedlam” album, plus music videos, behind-the-scenes footage, and a pair of documentaries.
• “Inside Man” ( Crime Thriller ): Spike Lee directs Denzel Washington as a cop who has to talk down a bank robber (Clive Owen) after what was designed as the ‘perfect heist’ spirals into a hostage situation. Co-stars Jodie Foster, Willem Dafoe & Christopher Plummer.
• “Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector” ( Comedy ): In his feature film debut, “Blue Collar Tour” comedian Larry the Cable Guy plays a big city civil servant who goes undercover to crack a food poisoning case in a posh restaurant. You can be sure he’ll ‘Git-R-Done!’.
• “The Lost City” ( Period Drama ): The title refers to Havana, Cuba in the late 1950’s. Andy Garcia directs and plays an apolitical nightclub owner who watches the Cuban revolution swallow up his family and his fortune. Co-stars Bill Murray, Dustin Hoffman & Ines Sastre.
• Also on DVD TODAY: “Prison Break: Season One”; “Laguna Beach: The Complete 2nd Season”; “Ultimate Avengers 2”; and “Airplane: The Don’t Call Me Shirley Edition”.

Guide dogs may soon be out of a job thanks to a hi-tech set of eyeglasses and shoes invented by scientists at Hong Kong Polytechnic University to help blind people navigate. The gear uses GPS (Global Positioning System) and a built-in computer to detect objects within close proximity and then send a vibrating warning to the wearer. The vibrations increase in intensity as the obstacle gets closer. The shoe can detect steps, potholes and obstacles within a 5-cm vertical distance. (So if you run into a wall … you’re on your own.)
– “China View”

The first CD ever approved by dogs for dogs has been produced by Laurel Canyon Animal Co in Los Angeles. “Songs to Make Dogs Happy” is said to be the result of a year of extensive field testing. Canine focus groups, selected from more than 200 dogs, were ‘questioned’ about their music preferences. The responses – in barks, smiles and wags – were used to select the tunes and lyrics. The 12-song collection includes “Squeaky Deaky” (about a squeaky toy), “Scratch My Back” and “I’ll Be Back”. Get exciting samples here …
NET: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/sac
– “USA Today”

A statistical breakdown of who’s on the road and what they’re doing. In a lifetime, the average driver …
• Fails to stop at 181 red traffic lights.
• Honks the horn 15,250 times.
• Gets locked out of their vehicle 9 times.
• Spends a total of 2 hours, 14 minutes kissing in cars.
• Makes love in a vehicle 6 times.
• Swears 32,025 times behind the wheel.
• Nods off while driving 11 times
• Emits more than 912 pints of gas inside their vehicle.

• Believes their driving is better than 87% of other drivers.
– “Top Gear Magazine”

Beginning this OCTOBER, UK supermarket chain Tesco is set to sell … square-shaped melons.
The unusual shape is achieved by Brazilian growers using a very simple method: boxes are placed around the fruit while it’s growing, causing it to naturally swell into the cube shape. From a marketing stand-point, the melons are certainly eye-catching. They’re also said to be easier to eat because they can be served in long strips. And then there’s the ease of display – no more giant barrels needed for these babies!
– Ananova News

• In Britain, a pair of co-workers who are now millionaires thanks to a massive lottery win say they will continue to go to work each day … at McDonald’s. Why? “It’s an enjoyable job,” says 23-year-old winner Luke Pittard. “They treat us really well.”
• In Serbia, a drunken 23-year-old man had to be rushed to hospital after watching a magician’s sword-swallowing routine on TV with his buddies. When the performance ended, Ratko Dankovic accepted his pals’ $20-bet that he couldn’t copy it. He ended up needing emergency surgery for swallowing a knife with an 8-inch blade … plus 8 nails … plus 2 spoons … and a couple of clothes pegs. Doctors successfully removed all the items in a 5-hour operation.
• In Sweden, what seems to be a transsexual hen named ‘Anne Boleyn‘ has grown a rooster comb, tail and wattle and begun to crow like a rooster. That’s made the resident henhouse rooster, Henry VIII, hopping mad but the other hens on the block seem to have increasingly accepted him … or her.
• In India, an animal handler with a fierce-looking primate called a langur has been hired to patrol the subways of New Delhi. Why? To keep out the monkeys! The langur is apparently one of the few critters known to scare off the critters and their monkey biz.
• In Bermuda, an angler is recovering after being impaled on the bill of a 14-ft Blue Marlin that leapt over his boat during an international fishing tournament. The 800-lb fish hit Ian Card with such force that its 3-ft spear went through his chest and knocked him into the sea. As the fish dived, forcing him under water, he was able to push himself off the razor-sharp bill and swim to the surface. Wonder if all the local Marlin are now hearing the story about the fisherman that got away?

Puppies don’t wag their tails until they’re about 7-weeks-old.

“Mel is a wonderful human being. He is not anti-Semitic. People say stupid things when they happen to have a few, especially if you don’t drink any more, or have limited your drinking for a long time and all of a sudden you decide to have one too many with the boys … you are stupid.”
– Has-been actor Patrick Swayze, defending about-to-be has-been actor Mel Gibson.


1937 [69] Dustin Hoffman, LA CA, 5′-5″ movie actor (“Meet the Fockers”, 2 Oscars-“Rain Man”, “Kramer vs Kramer”)

1947 [59] Ken Dryden, Hamilton ON, federal Liberal Party leadership candidate/MP for York Centre (former Federal Minister of Social Development)/former Toronto Maple Leafs vice-chairman)/Hall of Fame NHL goalie (6 Stanley Cups-Montréal Canadiens, 5 Vezina Trophies)/author (“The Game”)

1961 [45] The Edge (David Evans), Barking UK, rock guitarist (U2-“Vertigo”, “Beautiful Day”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2005)

1973 [33] Mark Wills (Williams), Blue Ridge GA, country singer (“19 Somethin’”, “Back at One”)

1975 [31] Tom Linton, Mesa AZ, rock guitarist (Jimmy Eat World-“Pain”, “The Middle”)

1976 [30] JC Chasez, Bowie MD, washed-up pop singer (‘N Sync-“Pop”, “Bye Bye Bye”)

1981 [25] Roger Federer, Basel, Switzerland, #1 ranked men’s tennis player

• “Elvis Week 2006” through next Wednesday (the 29th anniversary of his death) as his Memphis TN mansion Graceland offers a raft of activities to perpetuate the legend. The King is dead … let’s make money!
PHONER: 800.238.2000/901.332.3322 (Elvis Presley Enterprises)
NET: http://www.elvis.com/

• “Happiness Happens Day”, formerly known as the marginally less nauseating “Admit You’re Happy Day”, commemorated by using silver coins to pay someone’s toll, bus or subway fare, or to donate to charity. It’s all a conspiracy of the ‘Secret Society of Happy People’.
NET: http://www.sohp.com

• “Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night”, a day to share the wealth of your vegetable garden with friends and neighbors. Uh, could you make it tomatoes instead?

1978 [28] Slobbering sidekick ‘Odie’ 1st appears in the popular comic strip “Garfield” cartoonist Jim Davis had to change his original appearance because United Features Syndicate claimed he looked too much like ‘Snoopy’)

1986 [20] Series finalé of the NBC-TV series “Knight Rider”, starring David Hasselhoff and a talking car with better acting skills (a movie version is in development for a 2008 opening)

2000 [06] 30-year-old actress Catherine Zeta-Jones gives birth to a son via 55-year-old fiancé Michael Douglas, named Dylan Michael Douglas (they wed 3 months later)

1995 [11] Wendy’s announces $400-million merger with Canadian doughnut chain Tim Horton’s (meaning one of the most Canadian of institutions is no longer Canadian)

1920 [86] Shortest-ever American League baseball game as Detroit Tigers beat NY Yankees 1-0 in just 73 minutes

[Wed] Book Lovers Day
[Wed] International Art Appreciation Day
[Wed] Hand Holding Day
[Wed] “World Trade Center” opens in movie theaters
[Thurs] Spoil Your Dog Day
[Thurs] National Underwear Day
[Fri] Dog Days of Summer end
This Week Is … Registered Nurse Anesthetist Week
This Month Is … Child Support Enforcement Month


• “Tightrope Walker Plans to Go ‘Wireless’!”
• “Stairway to Heaven Collapses!”
• “Soda Jerk Lives Up to Name!”
• “Frozen Teddy Bears Prevent Asthma Attacks!”
• “First-Ever Dog Sex Change!”
• “Aliens Raise the Dead! Corpse Corps Drafted from Beyond to Attack Humans!”

Based on an online poll of movie fans …
5. “Santa With Muscles” (1996)
4. “Going Overboard” (1989)
3. “From Justin to Kelly” (2003)
2. “Phat Girlz” (2006)
1. “Troll 2” (1990)
– Internet Movie DataBase

• A young guy takes a farm girl into town for a date at a fancy restaurant. While studying the menu she asks, “What’s filet mignon?” Thinking fast, they guy replies, “It’s pickled goat’s liver. Why do you ask?”
• A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says, “That’s a nice newt. What’s its name?” The customer says, “Tiny”. The bartender says, “Why do you call him Tiny?”. “Because”, the guy replies, “he’s my newt.”

Today’s Question: 2 out of 3 people say they would never admit to doing THIS … unless someone saw them doing it.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Hitting a parked car.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

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