Monday, August 7, 2006        Edition: #3338
Get a Load of This Sheet!

WEEKEND TABLOID BS:
• Pot fancier & Olympic gold-winning snowboarder Ross Rebagliati whom absolutely no one remembers has launched a lawsuit, claiming CTV has stolen his ‘personality’ for a character on its series “Whistler”, a show that absolutely no one watches. Suspicious people might think it’s a good way to grab a bit of attention for the show.
– “Toronto Star’s” ‘Pop Goes the Week’
• Jennifer Lopez has ditched “Dallas”, the upcoming bigscreen treatment of the ‘80s primetime TV soap. She was set to play boozy ‘Sue Ellen’ opposite John Travolta’s oil baron ‘JR Ewing’, ut has dropped out without saying why. The rumor mill, of course, claims that just goes to prove … she’s pregnant.
– “Star Magazine”
• Video & audio recordings of Mel Gibson’s booze-filled anti-Semitic rant may never be released. Cops say they won’t be made public unless they’re introduced as evidence in a trial, which Mel is unlikely to request. He’ll like just plead guilty and apologize 12 more times. Meantime, Oasys Mobile is now marketing the ‘Mel In Malibu’ ring-tone, a husky, Australian-accented voice which screams “I own Malibu!”. It’s the first in the company’s new line of ‘Scandal Tones’.
– “E!”
• After recently splitting with wife Carmen Electra, rocker Dave Navarro has reportedly now been dumped by the ‘other woman’ as well. 30-year-old Sarah Howard apparently wants nothing to do with him. Navarro admits he’s single and missing his best friend … the wife he cheated on.
– “Life & Style”
• Britney Spears’ hubby Kevin Federline is now eyeing a career on the bigscreen. Although he’ll first try to establish himself as a singer by performing at the “Teen Choice Awards” (AUGUST 20) and releasing an album, he says he’s also ready to try out acting. Seems he’s using the dartboard approach to discovering his ‘hidden talent’.
– “Female First”
• Just when we thought everything was going swimmingly for Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn, it seems there may be trouble. Reports say they’ve split and Jen has turned to her best friends – actress Courteney Cox, singer Sheryl Crow and volleyball ace Gabrielle Reece – for support after breaking off with her “Break Up” co-star.
– “Life & Style”
• “Harry Potter” author JK Rowling is keeping the outcome of the final book in the series a secret but has teased fans by revealing the last-ever word she’ll write. While keeping the title and release date for the 7th and final novel firmly under wraps, she has revealed its final word will be … ‘scar’.
– Ananova News
• THIS WEEK Britain’s Channel 4 is staging a series of provocative late-night documentaries during what’s being promoted as ‘Wank Week’. A spokesman says masturbation is something many people do but not many talk about, and this is exactly the type of ‘mischievous programming’ the network should be covering in its 11pm slot.
– “The Guardian”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beyoncé Knowles – She’ll be appearing on the DECEMBER cover of “Vogue” magazine with the slug line “Beyoncé … America’s Dreamgirl”.
• Five For Fighting – TONIGHT they perform on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• Katharine McPhee – After finally joining the “American Idols Live” tour LAST WEEK following a bout of bronchitis and laryngitis, she tripped backstage and now has a hairline fracture in her left foot. She’s said to be mobile enough to remain with the tour.
• Kid Rock – His ex-, 22-year-old model Jill Marie Gulseth, claims that after he hooked up with Pam Anderson again a month ago, he unceremoniously dumped her … by text message.
• Nelly Furtado – She credits Brit rockers Oasis with inspiring her to buy her first acoustic guitar. She says she gained ability to write her own songs by first learning to play theirs.
• Taylor Hicks – The latest “American Idol” winner has just signed a $750,000-deal to write his memoirs, to be titled “Heart Full of Soul”. Before writing memoirs, shouldn’t you have a career?
• Yellowcard – TONIGHT they guest on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).

HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH:
• A pair of new studies attempt to identify the best place on Earth to live. According to a new British survey that measures health, wealth, education, sense of identity, and the esthetic quality of the landscape, here’s where the world’s happiest folks live …
1. Denmark
2. Switzerland
3. Austria
4. Iceland
5. Bahamas
6. Finland
7. Sweden
8. Bhutan
9. Brunei
10. Canada
– Reuters
• A similar ranking entitled the ‘Happy Planet Index’, compiled by a think-tank, claims the country with the happiest people is the South Pacific island nation of Vanuatu – population 200,000. People there are generally happy because they’re satisfied with very little, and have few worries other than cyclones and earthquakes. Also in the top 5: Colombia, Costa Rica, Dominica & Panama. This ranking is based on life satisfaction and life expectancy, plus each country’s ‘environmental footprint’, which explains why some of the world’s highest energy-users fare poorly (#111 Canada, #150 USA). The unhappiest countries on Earth according to this study? Ukraine, Republic of Congo, Burundi, Swaziland, and Zimbabwe … which ranks dead last.
– AFP

SPEED DATING, THE MIME VERSION:
You’ve heard of ‘Speed Dating’, where you quickly meet potential dates by holding a 3-minute conversation with each. But what if you find yourself incapable of maintaining a conversation for even that long? 30-year-old Michael Ellsberg of NYC thinks he has the answer – ‘Eye Gazing Parties’, which offer singles the same one-on-one contact except all the participants do for 3 minutes is … gaze deeply into each other’s eyes. Ellsberg claims that 3 minutes of direct eye contact is ‘the Cadillac of ice-breakers’. Guess that means it appeals most to pimps and retired geezers.
NET: http://eyegazingparties.com/index.html
– “Curious Times”

THRONE TIME:
The average person spends about an hour a day in the bathroom, according to a survey by the National Association for Continence. If you’re typical, you’re spending as much time in the bathroom each year as you might spend on vacation – 14 days! At that rate, if you reach the ripe old age of 80, you will have spent nearly 3 full years in the bathroom.
– “Focus”

BIG HAIRY DEAL:
The average woman fusses with her hair at home for 33 minutes per day and then ‘thinks’ about her hair a further 43 minutes per day. Other highlights of a recent poll of women sponsored by Salon Selectives …
• 65% admit to fixing their hair in the rearview mirror … while driving.
• 41% wish they had someone else’s hair.
• 40% say they’ve changed their hairstyle to please a guy.
• 20% would give up the options of ‘great sex’ or ‘personal wealth’ in return for ‘perfect hair’.

NEW BS GIZMOS & GADGETS:
• ‘The Self-Stirring Coffee Mug’ – A hi-tech new coffee cup with a built-in miniature propeller automatically stirs your drink at 3,000 rpms at the touch of a button. No more aching wrists for you!
• ‘Polly The Insulting Parrot’ – Looks like a cute mechanical birdie but insults your guests with its filthy mouth (“Dickhead alert! Dickhead alert!”). Great little gift for your mom … if she swears like a sailor.
• ‘The No-Contact Jacket’ – A new invention to help women ward off unwanted advances. When activated by the wearer, the jacket’s inner lining of conductive fiber unleashes a nasty but non-lethal 80,000-volt shock on an attacker. This so-called ‘exo-electric armor’ is expected to be on the market later THIS YEAR.

WHY I’M DATING GRANDMA:
Researchers at England’s Manchester University report that older female cockroaches become less choosy about their mates and tend to throw themselves at available males, whereas younger bugs are far more picky. Males have to work harder to woo younger females, which sometimes reject them altogether. But older females require far less courtship and mate more readily. Interesting that male cockroaches aren’t affected in the same way – they remain just as eager to mate whatever the female’s age! (Sound familiar?)
– “Nature”

BS AMAZING FACT:
Attractive people are 36% more likely to have daughters than sons.
– “Journal of Theoretical Biology”

AND WE QUOTE:
“Marriage is the leading cause of divorce”.
– Rock drummer and “Rock Star: Supernova” personality Tommy Lee on why he’ll never remarry like his ex-, Pam Anderson.

THE BULL SHEET 08.07.06

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [64] Garrison Keillor, Anoka MN, radio host (“A Prairie Home Companion” since 1974)/author (“Radio Days”, “Lake Wobegon Days”)/Radio Hall of Fame (1994)

1960 [46] David Duchovny, NYC, movie actor (“Zoolander”)/ex-TV actor (“The X Files” 1993-2002)/Mr Tea Leoni since 1997

1965 [41] Raul Malo, Miami FL, country singer (“You’re Only Lonely”, ex-Mavericks-“All You Ever Do Is Bring Me Down”)

1975 [31] Charlize Theron, Benoni, South Africa, movie actress (“Aeon Flux”, “The Italian Job”)  COMING UP: “The Brazilian Job”, due in 2008.

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• Happy holiday to some of you! The first MONDAY of AUGUST is “Civic Holiday” in Manitoba, Ontario, NWT, & Nunavut. It’s “New Brunswick Day” in NB; “Saskatchewan Day” in SK; “British Columbia Day” in BC, “Simcoe Day” in Toronto; “Colonel By Day” in Ottawa; “Heritage Day” in Alberta; and the semi-holiday “Natal Day” in Nova Scotia & PEI. For everybody else, it’s just … Monday.

• “Chocolate Fest 2006″ in St Stephen NB, reputedly where the ‘chocolate bar’ was invented. Complete chocolate meals and ‘Choctail Hours’ are highlights.
PHONER: 506.465.5616
NET: http://www.chocolate-fest.ca/

• “Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day”, to draw attention to the environmentally unfriendly practice of over-packaging consumer goods. What do you think are the most over-packaged products? Toys in ‘blisterpacks’? Fruit in shrink-wrapped trays? Pain-killers in layer upon layer of packaging?

• “Picnic Day” in Australia, observed annually on the 1st MONDAY of AUGUST. How civilized!

• “Sturgis Bike Week”, the 66th annual gathering of motorcycle enthusiasts through SUNDAY in Sturgis, South Dakota. As many as 300,000 hog owners are expected. LAST NIGHT, the 1st-ever “Rock’n the Rally Music Festival” kicked off celebrations with performances by Big & Rich and Keith Urban. Also on tap during the week: Aerosmith, Cheap Trick, Sammy Hagar, and the Steve Miller Band. Sturgis is home to the ‘National Motorcycle Museum’.
NET: http://www.sturgismotorcyclerally.com/

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1995 [11] 27-year-old Playmate-cum-gold-digger Anna Nicole Smith wears low-cut, side-slit white gown to the funeral of 90-year-old husband, oil tycoon J Howard Marshall (and she’s still fighting over the inheritance)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1997 [09] Garth Brooks plays to a crowd estimated at 750,000 in NYC’s Central Park, the 3rd-largest concert audience of all-time (over 15 million watch on HBO)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1888 [118] 1st ‘Revolving Door’ invented by Theophilus Van Kannel of Philadelphia (later perfected by radio)

1891 [115] 1st ‘Telephoto Lens’ patented (next day, a picture of Queen Victoria sunbathing topless appears in tabloids)

1929 [77] Charles Leiper Grigg of St Louis MO introduces the new soft drink ‘Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Soda’, which he fortunately later re-names ‘7-Up’ (no one knows the real story of how that name came about)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
[Tues] “American Idol 6” auditions begin (LA CA)
[Tues-Aug 16] Elvis Week (Memphis TN)
[Wed] Full ‘Sturgeon’ Moon
[Wed] “World Trade Center” opens in movie theaters
[Wed] 2006 US Scrabble Open Championship final (Phoenix AZ)
[Thurs] National Underwear Day
[Thurs-Sun] Edmonton Folk Fest

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Recreational Scuba Diving Week / Don’t Wait – Celebrate Week / Fraud Awareness Week / Psychic Week / International Festival Week / Registered Nurse Anesthetist Week / Psychiatric Technician Week / Smile Week

BULL’S BITS

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
• What is an ‘Occasional Table’ the rest of the time?
• Should animal shampoo be tested on humans?
• If someone who can’t count finds a 4-leaf clover, are they still lucky?
• Shouldn’t a ‘Tourist Information Center’ tell you about the tourists that have visited?
• Don’t you just hate rhetorical questions?

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
According to a women’s magazine poll, what do men notice first about a woman’s looks?
a. Her figure.
b. Her face.
c. Her hair.
Those are the top 3, in order.
– “Glamour”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average woman spends 200 hours a year in THIS place.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The supermarket.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change … but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting she won’t change … but she does.

NOW ON OUR SHEET LIST:
Thanks to Chuck & Kelly @ B95.5 [WYJB] Albany NY for re-upping for another year of “BS” (that’s year #11 – thanks Chuck!); and aloha to new subscriber Augie Tulba @ Q103 [KNUQ] Kahului, Maui HI (who works from a studio at home – coolness!); and we welcome samplers this week that include Dave Palmer @ 104.9 JRfm [CFJR] Brockville ON; Tom Shick @ 1340 KAMG Victoria TX; Jaja @ Radio Paramuda 93.7 FM Bandung, Indonesia; and Aretha Styles @ Big West Country 92.9 [CIBW] Drayton Valley AB. Tell a colleague in another market about “The Bull Sheet”. We’ll add ONE FREE MONTH to your subscription for EACH new subscriber you refer!


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