Wednesday, August 31, 2005        Edition: #3106
Can You Believe This Sheet?

TODAY Martha Stewart is due to get her electronic ankle bracelet removed after being under house arrest since her release from federal prison 5 months ago (somehow she’ll make it into a publicity event) . . . Meantime, “Page Six” reports that Martha Stewart’s “Apprentice” catchphrase with which she’ll fire people will be – “You just don’t fit in” (not very ‘catchy’, is it?) . . . TODAY the ‘Arnold Schwarzenegger Museum’ in the governator’s hometown of Graz, Austria permanently closes due to financial problems (such as lack of visitors?) . . . TONIGHT “Desperate Housewives” star James Denton hosts the 2005 “World Music Awards” as they’re taped for later broadcast at the Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles (these are the lame awards formerly staged each year in Monaco) . . . Pamela Anderson tells “Elle” magazine she loves drinking espressos – because it makes her nipples perky (is there anything this woman won’t say?) . . . Pseudo-actress Tara Reid, who’s in Europe shooting the TV show “Wild on Tara”,  booked herself into a $2,000-a-night suite in London’s Baglioni Hotel, then demanded a 2nd room to store all her shoes (we smell publicity stunt) . . . The cast of hit ABC-TV show “Lost” (Matthew Fox, Evangeline Lily & Dominic Monaghan) are whining about their pay, reportedly a paltry $36,000-per-episode (they want something closer to the 2-hundred-grand the “Desperate Housewives” stars get) . . . The Ewan McGregor-Scarlett Johansson sci-fi thriller “The Island” may have tanked in domestic box office but it continues to rack up business overseas, crossing the $100-million benchmark . . . Word has it Jennifer Garner wants to leave her TV show “Alias” even though her contract runs through 2008 and she’s hoping Rachel Nichols, her new protegé on the show, will be able to take over the lead role . . . Actress Liz Hurley is launching a line of organic baby foods, even though her own post-baby diet regime is said to be medically+ dangerous (her Body Mass Index [BMI] is just 16 – 3 points BELOW the minimum for her age).

• Avril Lavigne – TONIGHT she’s on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Green Day – TONIGHT they’re on NBC-TV’s “Last Call With Carson Daly”.
• Hilary Duff – She says she eventually had to get veneers for her teeth because she kept chipping them on the microphone while singing.
• Mariah Carey – She attributes the 2 lowest octaves of her singing range to smoking when she was younger. She claims she wizened up and ‘promised God’ she would quit if he gave her back her voice.
• Shakira – She was among several celebs at the “MTV Video Music Awards” who received $1,000 mink eyelashes & a 24-carat gold lash curler, courtesy of beauty company Shu Uemura.
• Van Zant – Johnny Van Zant has been scheduled for surgery to have a polyp removed from his vocal cord and will require 3 months of rest. As a result, all appearances for the duo Van Zant and the band Lynyrd Skynyrd have been postponed.

“The Constant Gardener” (R-Rated Drama): Rachel Weisz plays an activist who is murdered in Northern Kenya. Ralph Fiennes plays her widower, who suspects that she had been having an affair. As he investigates, he uncovers a conspiracy involving American pharmaceutical companies and the local Kenyan government. Based on the best-selling John Le Carré novel. Some exterior scenes shot in Winnipeg.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Jetrosexual’ – Virgin Atlantic’s term for sexed-up airline passengers. (“Get a pail of water to throw on the jetrosexuals in row 49. They’re disturbing the other passengers.”)
• ‘Deferred Success’ – An alternative term for ‘failure’ recommended by the UK’s Professional Association of Teachers. The word ‘fail’, they say, can put students off learning for life.
• ‘Quiet Disco’ – A Dutch idea, borne of noise complaints, where dancers listen to music on wireless headphones.

• The mayor of one district of Budapest, Hungary is demanding that female employees at city hall only wear miniskirts only if they have ‘completely perfect legs’. Rule #2: the skirts can be no shorter than 3 cm (1 inch) above the knee.
• Japan’s Mikazuki Hotel Group has installed 18-karat gold bathtubs in its seaside locations in hopes of drawing more customers. Like most baths in Japanese, the golden tubs are communal.
• A Florida man is being forced to remove the message ‘Die you miserable bitch’ which he had painted on the side of his house in huge black letters and directed at his neighbor, a 73-year-old woman dying of cancer. The reason he was forced to remove the offensive message? The letters exceed the permitted size for a sign in a residential area.
• 1 in 3 of the world’s smokers lives in China and among them are – several chimpanzees. For instance, a chimp called ‘Ai Ai’ in the Qinling Zoo took up the habit in 1989 when she became distraught over the death of a mate. Worried zoo officials say she now displays the classic signs of a nicotine addict.
• King Mswati III of Swaziland has ordered 50,000 topless virgins to dance & sing before him. The girls, who are vying to become the monarch’s 13th wife, shouted: “We are happy, we are healthy, we are alone. We are the flowers of the Swazi people.”

What’s being called ‘Attitude Clothing’ is expected to be a big hit with teens THIS FALL. The new genre includes T-shirts with inflammatory slogans such as …
• “You’re ugly and that’s sad.”
• “I know how you feel. I just don’t care.”
• “It’s cute how stupid you are.”
• “Hi, loser.”
– “Chicago Tribune”

• Apple Computer will introduce a new iPod product in early SEPTEMBER that is said to be an updated Shuffle music player with a lot more memory … and likely a lot higher price.
• A talking robot that recognizes up to 10 faces and understands 10,000 words is set to hit the market. The 3-ft-tall ‘Wakamaru’ robot will be marketed as a hi-tech secretary, house-sitter and cleaner.
• A California company has developed a lettuce head the size of a softball … for single servings.

Experts say one of the most important things parents can do before the school year begins is to establish a routine with their kids. It should include set times for turning in for the night, waking up in the morning, doing homework and sitting down to a family dinner and should be started about a week before school begins so everyone has the chance to adjust.
– “Better Nutrition” magazine.

“I was horrified at how skinny she is. She looks like a skeleton. Her chest is practically concave and her legs are thin pins.”  – A fellow party-goer, who recently saw Nicole Richie at the opening of Hollywood club LAX, snitching to “Star Magazine”.


1945 [60] Van Morrison, Belfast, Northern Ireland, classic rock singer (“Moondance”, “Brown Eyed Girl”)

1949 [56] Richard Gere, Philadelphia PA, movie actor (“Unfaithful”, “Pretty Woman”)/Dalai Lama pal

1972 [33] Chris Tucker, Atlanta GA, movie actor (“Rush Hour 1-2″, “Money Talks”)/stand-up comedian

1973 [32] Scott Niedermayer, Edmonton AB, NHL player (Anaheim Mighty Ducks, ex-NJ Devils)/Team Canada (2004 World Cup of Hockey)

TODAY is the annual celebration “La Tomatina” in Bunol, Spain. Since 1944, people have been flocking to the little town in eastern Spain on the last Wednesday of August to help whip 240,000 lbs of overripe tomatoes at anything that moves between 11 am and 1 pm. What began as a simple tomato fight between a group of friends in the town’s main square has turned into the world’s largest food fight. By the next morning, the whole mess is cleaned up!

TODAY is “Trail Mix Day”, celebrating the combination of nuts, seeds & dried fruits that takes about a gallon of water to wash down.

TODAY is “Love Litigating Lawyers Day”. Well, one thing for sure, we love lawyer jokes!

THIS WEEK is “National Veterinary Week”, to promote the ‘professionals who pamper and protect our pets’.

1999 [06] Sarah McLauchlan’s 3rd and final “Lilith Fair” tour winds down with final concert in Edmonton

1881 [124] 1st ‘US Tennis Championship’ held (this year’s US Open is now underway at the USTA National Tennis Center in NYC NET:

1895 [110] 1st ‘Pro Football Game’ (QB John Brallier paid $10 as Jeannette Athletic Club beats Latrobe YMCA 12-0 in Latrobe PA)

1954 [51] 1st storm with a name (‘Hurricane Carol’ hits New England)

1955 [50] 1st ‘Sun-Powered Automobile’ is demonstrated (so why is it again that we’re still paying through the nose for gasoline?)

1971 [34] 1st ‘Driver on the Moon’ (Astronaut David Scott finds no one to ‘flip the bird’ at)

1946 [59] 5,000 Boston Braves’ baseball fans sit in freshly-painted seats (certainly not a planned attempt at a record, but a record none-the-less)

[Sept 1] Ascent of Prophet Muhammad [Islam]
[Sept 2] “A Sound of Thunder”, “The Transporter 2″ & “Underclassman” open in movie theaters
[Sept 3] Rolling Stones play Magnetic Hill [Moncton NB]
[Sept 4] Newspaper Carriers Day / Cheese Pizza Day / Father’s Day [Australia] / Working Mother’s Day
[Sept 5] Labor Day / Be Late For Something Day
[Sept 5-11] 101st Canadian Open Golf Championship [Vancouver]
[Sept 6] Iguana Awareness Day / Fight Procrastination Day–Do It! Day / Rolling Stones release “A Bigger Bang” album
[Sept 7] CMA Awards nominations announced [NYC]
[Sept 8] “Blondie” comic strip 75th anniversary / International Literacy Day / Fashion Rocks [NYC] / NFL Opening Kickoff 2005 [Foxboro MA]
[Sept 8-17] Toronto International Film Festival
[Sept 9] Teddy Bear Day / Hot Dog Day / “An Unfinished Life”, “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” & “The Man” open in movie theaters
[Sept 9-11] Canada’s Longest Yard Sale [Eastern Manitoba]
[Sept 9-12] Canadian Country Music Week [Calgary]
[Sept 10] World Suicide Prevention Day / Swap Ideas Day / Destiny’s Child final concert [Vancouver] / PETA’s 25th Anniversary Gala [Hollywood]
[Sept 11] 9/11 Remembrance Day / I Want to Start My Own Business Day / No News is Good News Day / Grandparents Day / Pet Memorial Day
[Sept 12] [Sept 12] “Martha” daytime TV show debuts / Canadian Country Music Awards [Calgary] / Video Game Day / Chocolate Milkshake Day / Boss-Employee Exchange Day / U2 “Vertigo” tour returns to North America [Toronto]
[Sept 13] Peanut Day / Positive Thinking Day / 2005 World Music Awards telecast [LA] / Computer Programmers Day
[Sept 14] International Cross-Culture Day / Pregnant Women’s Day
[Sept 15] Hat Day / Care Givers Day / “Survivor: Guatemala” debuts
[Sept 16] Collect Rocks Day / Working Parents Day / Women’s Friendship / Paul McCartney tour begins [Miami] /  Independence Day [Mexico] / “Just Like Heaven”, “Lord of War”, “The Woods” & “Venom” open in movie theaters
[Sept 17] Full Moon [Harvest Moon]
[Sept 18] 57th Primetime Emmy Awards / 20th Farm Aid [Tinley Park IL] / Play-Doh Day /  Chinese Moon Festival / Women’s Friendship Day
[Sept 19] Talk Like a Pirate Day
[Sept 20] International Student Day / ABC-TV’s “Dancing with the Stars: Dance-Off” / UN International Day of Peace
[Sept 21] Miniature Golf Day / World Gratitude Day
[Sept 22] Hobbit Day / Dear Diary Day / Elephant Appreciation Day / Good Neighbor Day / Centenarians Day / Autumn begins
[Sept 23] “FlightPlan” & “Roll Bounce” open in movie theaters
[Sept 23-Oct 9] 43rd New York Film Festival
[Sept 24] Hunting & Fishing Day
[Sept 25] One Hit Wonder Day / Comic Book Day
[Sept 26] Food Service Employees Day
[Sept 26-29] World Toilet Summit [Belfast, Northern Ireland]
[Sept 27] Ancestor Appreciation Day / World Tourism Day / CBS-TV’s “The Amazing Race: Family Edition” debuts
[Sept 28] Ask A Stupid Question Day / Women’s Health & Fitness Day
[Sept 29] Goose Day / Pumpkin Day / Final season debut of NBC-TV’s “Will & Grace”
[Sept 30] Mud Pack Day / “Into the Blue”, “Serenity” & “The Greatest Game Ever Played” open in movie theaters
[Sept 30-Oct 9] Okanagan Wine Festival [BC]
[Oct 1] World Beard & Moustache Championships [Berlin]
[Oct 4] Rosh Hashanah [Jewish]
[Oct 5] Ramadan begins [Islam]
[Oct 7] 10th National Denim Day
[Oct 10] Thanksgiving Day
[Oct 12-23] New Montréal FilmFest
[Oct 23] 3rd Western Canadian Music Awards [Vancouver]


• Learn to throw your voice so you can get the quiet kid in trouble.
• List places to hang out on days you cut class.
• Remove odiferous leftovers from lunch pack – fumigate.
• Concoct story about what a sweet and exciting summer you had to replace the lame truth.
• Practise forging parental signatures.
• Try on all 23 new outfits. Pick the one.

Radio talk show “The Buzz Factor” has set up a Website called “Who Shot Suge?”, as in rap impresario Suge Knight. As you might expect, wannabe accusers & confessors are crawling out of the woodwork. Best guess so far … Colonel Mustard in the Parlor with the revolver.

2 phone contestants compete to list the most things from a category you stipulate. Start with one contestant, give out the category, then start the clock. Total the score, then give your other contestant a new category and see if they can beat the total. A few suggested categories …
• Things you eat for breakfast.
• Things you take to the beach.
• Famous characters from the movies.
• Names of professional sports teams.
• Rules your mom made.
• Things your dad taught you how to do.
• Annoying habits people have.
• Embarrassing things to buy in a store.
• Things that will get you in trouble at work.
• Things you catch from other people.

Today’s Question: According to psychologists, THIS is what women love to hear the most.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Their own name.  

You never find time … but you can always make it.

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