Tuesday, August 23, 2005                      Edition: #3100
Don’t Forget to Renew or You’ll Be Sheet Outta Luck!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
China is getting 2 versions of “The Apprentice”, a knock-off called “Wise Man Takes All” and another produced by the bad-hair man himself, Donald Trump, that will closely mimic the US original . . . The relationship’s said to be heating up quickly between Mary-Kate Olsen & her 4-month boyfriend Stavros Niarchos III (yet another Greek shipping heir), who’s said to be the main reason she’ll be staying in LA to take classes this school year instead of heading back to NYU with sister Ashley . . . Brad Pitt has ditched his blond look and gone black for his upcoming role in “The Assassination of Jesse James” (starts shooting MONDAY in Calgary) . . . In an effort to boost the not-so-stellar ratings of Matt LeBlanc’s NBC-TV sitcom “Joey”, big-name guest stars will be lured to appear THIS FALL and big storyline changes are also in the works – including ‘Joey’ finally making it in Hollywood . . . Loser actor Tom Sizemore’s lawyer says he’s not sure how videos of the doper getting it on with several women became for sale online, but he believes his client ‘has a legal right to some of the proceeds’ . . . The father of hospitalized “American Pie” actress Natasha Lyonne plans to sue NYC’s Beth Israel Hospital, claiming it  broke the patient-doctor confidentiality rule by leaking info about his ailing daughter who’s reportedly battling for her life . . . And Joaquin Phoenix tells “Newsweek” he wasn’t flipping out when he repeatedly banged his head into a bedpost causing him to be carted off in an ambulance during the filming of the Johnny Cash biopic “Walk the Line”, he was just trying to get into the mood of his character, a young Johnny Cash going through drug withdrawal (translation – he’s freakin’ bonkers!).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Alicia Keys – She’s eyeing a role as a ruthless assassin alongside Ben Affleck in a new action comedy movie called “Smokin’ Aces”.
• Beyoncé – Her breasts are looking suspiciously round like ‘halved oranges’, according to AwfulPlasticSurgery.com.
• Keith Urban – He may currently be country’s #1 hunk but he still calls his mommy in Australia … every day.
• Kylie Minogue – Word is she’s made such a remarkable recovery from breast cancer that she will re-start her postponed “Showgirl” tour NEXT SPRING.
• Mariah Carey – TODAY she’s on ABC-TV’s daytime talk show “The View”.
• 3 Doors Down – TODAY they’re on TV’s syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• In music stores TODAY: Delbert McClinton’s “Cost of Living”, “Queer as Folk: The 5th Season Soundtrack”, Ozomatli’s “Live at the Fillmore”, and Trick Pony’s “RIDE”.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Beauty Shop” (Comedy – DVD): Queen Latifah’s ‘Gina Norris ‘ character is transplanted from Chicago where she got her start (in “Barbershop 2″) to Atlanta where she opens a beauty salon full of employees and customers more interested in speaking their minds than getting a ‘do. Kevin Bacon, Alicia Silverstone, Alfre Woodard, Andie MacDowell & Mena Suvari co-star. Features the original version of the current Pussy Cat Dolls’ hit “Don’t Cha”, performed by Tori Alamaze.
• “A Lot Like Love” (Romantic Comedy – DVD/VHS): Ashton Kutcher & Amanda Peet play a couple who first make a connection on a cross-country flight, then decide they are poorly suited to be together. But over the next 7 years, they are reunited time and time again, and evolve from acquaintances to close friends to … lovers?
• “The Ring 2″ (Horror Thriller – DVD/VHS): Naomi Watts reprises the role of investigative reporter ‘Rachel Keller’ in this sequel to the 2002 horror hit “The Ring”. The story picks up 6 months after the original as she & her son have relocated to the small town of Astoria OR. But their fresh start is quickly ruined when she discovers the vengeful ‘Samara’ has also made the move.
• “Layer Cake” (Crime Thriller – DVD): Based on JJ Connelly’s London crime novel about a successful cocaine dealer (Daniel Craig) who is planning an early retirement but is lured back into business by a love interest and an international drug ring. The title refers to the ‘layers’ or levels he must go through as he painstakingly plots his own escape.
• Also out on DVD TODAY: The 3-disc set “Gladiator: Extended Edition”, with commentary from star Russell Crowe & deleted footage edited back into the film; “The OC: Season 2″, and “Six Feet Under: The Complete 4th Season”.

STYLE STATEMENTS:
• ‘Wait Wear’ is an increasingly popular line of virginity-promoting underwear, emblazoned with abstinence slogans such as ‘No Vows, No Sex’ – I’m Saving It!’ and ‘No Trespassing On This Property – My Father Is Watching’. (Yeah, that’ll stop a horny guy … slogans on her UNDERWEAR!)
• ‘Stop Snitching’ T-shirts and hats have become the hottest and most controversial fashion statements in Philadelphia. Some of the garments also have pictures of guns and crosshairs and messages that advise ‘Don’t Talk 2 Police’.

WHAT I DID DURING SUMMER VACATION:
A 14-year-old boy in Offenburg, Germany has been ordered to pull down a 16-foot-high, 300-ft-long wooden roller coaster which he built in his backyard over the summer holidays. He even designed his own coaster car which can reach speeds of up to 30 mph. Local planning officials say he must tear it all down by mid-September because he neglected to apply for planning permission. (The good news is – he’s pretty much got this year’s science fair prize locked up!)
– Reuters

BUY USED, SAVE BIG:
Soaring new car sales are swamping auto dealers with trade-ins, leading to a glut of used cars that could deflate prices. Dealers have taken in loads of trade-ins from buyers taking advantage of those well-advertised, no-haggle ‘Employee Pricing Discounts’ on 2005 vehicles. That means there are so many used vehicles in stock that prices could drop as much as 5%, according to the National Automobile Dealers Association. (Doesn’t it kind of piss you off that all these years we’ve been paying a surcharge on new vehicles that auto workers didn’t?)
– “USA Today Cars”

PEOPLE TO GO:
As well as books and A-V materials, the public library in  in Almelo, Netherlands is now lending out … people! In a new initiative aimed at challenging stereotypes, library patrons can now borrow gay people, gypsies and Muslims for an hour and talk to them about their lives. The library has contracted 10 people from various backgrounds who are willing to chat with library visitors in a pub nearby. (If you get carried away partying over pints – is there a late fee?)
– NU.nl

WHY HE’S NOT LISTENING TO YOU:
A new study from the UK’s University of Sheffield finds that men have to work harder deciphering what women are saying because they use the auditory part of the brain that processes music, not human voices. Men’s brains are simply not designed to listen to women’s voices. It’s not the pitch of the woman’s voice, but rather the vibration and number of sound waves that cause the problem. (Did anyone consider it might be the content?)
– “Discovery News”

LITTLE OL’ LADY WHOOOO:
Researchers at Graz University in Austria claim that yodeling is healthier than yoga. As well as giving lungs a healthy workout, yodeling releases endorphins to ease tension and stress. (However unlike yoga, yodeling is far more likely to lead to bludgeoning by your neighbor.)
– Ananova News

FIRST MARRIED PRIEST … THAT WE KNOW OF:
A man has been ordained as a Roman Catholic priest despite being married and having children. The Bishop of Tenerife (Canary Islands), who ordained 64-year-old ex-Anglican pastor David Gliwitzki, says the move was approved by the Pope as ‘a unique exception within the Spanish church’. (Okay, the precedent has been set – why not drag the rest of the church into the 12th century?)
– BBC World News

NO-TEL MOTEL … FOR PETS:
The new Pet Love Motel in Barra Funda, Brazil offers rooms for rent in which pets can … well, mate. The rooms are decorated similar to love motels for humans, with satin sheets, ceiling mirrors and lots of cushions. A motel spokesperson claims pets have needs too and also want some excitement. (If you’re taking in a dog, we hope you get to pay by the minute.)
– “Las Ultimas Noticias”

FROM THE POLL VAULT:
A BS snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 70% of bartenders are now female.
• 46% of people polled say their car is the most important thing in their life.
• 30% of men in relationships are now responsible for grocery shopping & cooking in the home.
• 25% of us don’t know our own astrological sign.
• 21% of first marital spats begin after she asks him to buy her feminine products.

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Handshakes transmit viruses 7 times more effectively than sneezes.
• The smartest dogs are the Jack Russell Terrier & the Scottish Border Collie. The dumbest is the Afghan Hound.
• The sterile female ants are the ones that do all the work.

AND WE QUOTE:
• “I’ve come to embrace it. That thing’s my prized possession.”  – “Four Brothers” star Mark Wahlberg telling “Rolling Stone” how he’s come to accept his … 3rd nipple.
• “As soon as the doctors give me the okay, I expect to be right back on a horse and riding again.”  – Madonna, who suffered 3 cracked ribs, a broken collar bone & a fractured hand in a riding accident, proving in “The Sun” that she doesn’t learn much from experience.

THE BULL SHEET 08.23.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1970 [35] Jay Mohr, Verona NJ, movie actor (“Are We There Yet?”, “Jerry Maguire”)/TV personality (“Last Comic Standing” 2003-04, “Saturday Night Live” 1993-95)

1978 [27] Kobe Bryant, Philadelphia PA, NBA star (3 NBA championships-LA Lakers) who reached an out-of-court settlement this MARCH on a 2003 charge of sexual assault

1978 [27] Julian Casablancas, NYC, rock singer/songwriter (The Strokes-“Hard to Explain”)/son of Elite Models founder John Casablancas

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Astrology] Sign of ‘Virgo’ begins

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2000 [05] 51 million tune in to watch the final episode of the original “Survivor” series (a summer replacement show), as Richard Hatch is named the $1-million winner

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1617 [388] 1st ‘One-Way Street’ (London UK)

1904 [101] 1st ‘Snow Tire Chains’ invented by Harry Weed (so people could drive in Prince George BC in August)

1961 [44] 1st ‘Athletic Mouth Guard’ as LL Greenblum patents his ‘Teeth Protector’

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1998 [07] San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds becomes 1st MLB player to hit 400 home runs and steal 400 bases.

COMING UP . . .
[Wed] Single Parent Family Day
[Thurs] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Fri] Make Your Own Luck Day
[Fri] Women’s Equality Day
[Fri-Sept 5] Montréal World Film Festival
[Sat] Petroleum Day
[Sun] 22nd MTV Video Music Awards [Miami]
This Week Is … Be Kind To Humankind Week
This Month Is … International Inventors Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
YOU MIGHT BE A BAD COOK IF …

• You accidentally knock your entire casserole upside-down … and nothing spills.
• Your family buys Tums in bulk.
• Your microwave read-out says ‘TILT!’.
• There’s no enamel left on the bottom of your oven.
• You make ‘Tuna Noodle Broccoli Surprise’ and the surprise is that it glows in the dark.
• You’ve used one of your delicious homemade bran muffins as a doorstop.
• Your family automatically heads for the dinner table whenever they hear the smoke alarm.
• It takes a bottle of Drano and a crowbar to get your mac & cheese out of the pan.
• All your trash cans are marked with bright red ‘biohazard’ symbols.
• Your dog goes to the neighbors’ to eat.

BS PHONE STARTER:
Why was the Canadian Mint’s idea to create a $5-coin such a bad idea? It would have helped fund our Olympic athletes.

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• She doesn’t have much of a sex life. In fact, she only takes the pill so she knows what day of the week it is.
• I tried to make Jell-O last night but I can’t figure out how to get 2 cups of water into those little packages.
• I won’t say she’s dumb but I gave her a penny for her thoughts … and she gave me change.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average man does THIS 14 times a year, while the average woman does it approximately 64 times a year.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Cries.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.


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