Wednesday, August 3, 2005        Edition: #3086
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure “BS”!

OJ Simpson showed up uninvited at an Illinois sports collectors’ convention and began selling autographs for up to $125 a shot – he managed to pawn off about 115 of them before being booted out (seems he’s now groveling to net a little over 14 grand) . . . Oprah Winfrey’s Harpo Films is set to adapt author Toni Morrison’s novel “Paradise”, which takes place in an Oklahoma town founded by freed slaves, into a 4-hour miniseries for ABC-TV . . . Michael Jackson has bought a luxury palace in Bahrain that sits on 14 acres next door to his pal, Sheik Abdullah bin Hamad al Khalifa . . . 37-year-old single actress Halle Berry has purchased a $6-million ‘family home’ in the Hollywood Hills from “Malcolm in the Middle” star Frankie Muniz, fueling speculation she’s ready to ‘pull an Angelina Jolie’ and adopt a child . . . Brad Pitt has reportedly given up smoking for 2 weeks now, ever since Angelina Jolie threw down an ultimatum – from now on it’s either cigarettes or sex but not both (so what do they do afterward?) . . . Model Kate Moss reportedly busted up with her on-off rocker boyfriend Pete Doherty of Babyshambles a few weeks ago after he fell off the wagon yet again but is paying for a $25,000 anti-heroin implant for him – as a ‘parting gift’ (sorta like a game show?)  . . . An alcohol watchdog group is alleging that Budweiser’s paid product placement in the hit movie “Wedding Crashers” encourages underage drinking (there should also be a protest from the ‘porking lonely bridesmaids’ watchdog group) . . . Word is Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend Gisele Buendchen is sick-and-tired of waiting to be wed; it seems she dreams of a life in which she and Leo live on a farm and raise – children . . . And buzz has it that Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey have not only hired divorce lawyers to end their ‘perfect marriage’ but the divorce papers have already been signed – something that’s being hushed up to protect her career (from what?).

• Bo Bice – He’s broken a foot during an “American Idol” concert in Manchester, New Hampshire but says he will continue with the tour. Ironically, it was the first show in which he opted to wear tennis shoes instead of cowboy boots while performing.
• Destiny’s Child – Even though they’re calling it quits at the end of their tour in SEPTEMBER,  they’ll still record a new song for an upcoming “Greatest Hits” package and release a DVD recently shot at a show in Atlanta.
• Good Charlotte – TODAY they’re on MTV’s “Hard Rock Live”.
• Montgomery Gentry – Talk about the walking wounded! Thanks to a cast from an accident 2 weeks ago, Troy Gentry is performing concerts while seated in a barber chair with his injured leg elevated at a 45-degree angle. Eddie Montgomery, still in a cast from breaking his wrist, circles around his partner on-stage.
• Ricky Martin – He was spotted dropping off his new single “I Don’t Care”, featuring Fat Joe & Amerie, to Vegas nightclub deejays during a 3-hour stopover before heading back to NYC via private jet. Now that’s direct marketing!
• Rob Thomas – He’s denying allegations posted on the Internet that outrageously claim he had an affair with Tom Cruise. He says that even if he was gay, Cruise wouldn’t be at the top of his hit list … Brad Pitt would be.
• Santana – YESTERDAY Carlos Santana played before 50,000 at a concert in Hiroshima, Japan to mark the 60th anniversary of the world’s first atomic bomb attack (August 6, 1945). It’s one of dozens of events the city is holding ahead of SATURDAY’s official memorial ceremony.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Krumping’ – A fight for dance supremacy in which participants throw improvised punches, kick out their legs to the beat, and ricochet off the floor. The style began in LA and can currently be seen on the TV competition “So You Think You Can Dance”.
• ‘Gold-Collar Workers’ – Working-class young adults aged 18-to-25 who earn modest salaries in  retail or service industry jobs. In order to maintain their champagne tastes on a beer budget … they still live with their parents.
• ‘Age-Management’ – A new term for aging gracefully through lifestyle, technology and fitness changes.

French-Canadian cheesemaker Luc Boivin threw 800 kg (1,700 lb) of cheese into the Saguenay River at La Baie des Ha! Ha!, Québec late LAST YEAR, believing it would improve the taste because the increased pressure and low temps at extreme depths should accelerate the cheese-aging process while keeping it perfectly cool. But here’s the problem – he can’t find it! Salvage divers have so far failed to locate the big cheese in 40 m (130 ft) of water. Even if it is found, it will have to meet food safety standards before it can be marketed.
– Agence France-Presse

THIS FALL Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland is offering a course based on Dan Brown’s mega-selling novel “The Da Vinci Code”. Professor Sean Freyne says lessons will include the mysterious rituals of early Christianity. (Which turn out to be very similar to ancient pagan customs.)
– “Times of London”

LAST WEEK when the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia PA announced that its scientists had discovered cats are unable to sense the taste of sweet, it was old news to Hawaiian teen Lisa Manuzak. The 17-year-old from Kailua came to the same conclusion in a science fair experiment … 5 years ago! That’s when she won 3rd prize for analyzing the taste preferences of her family’s felines, ‘Pepper’ and ‘Soy Sauce’. The official explanation why cats don’t taste sweet like virtually every other mammal – a dysfunctional gene. (If it ain’t fish or chicken – fugettaboutit!)
– “Honolulu Star-Bulletin”

A year-old cattle dog that developed a habit of imitating fire engine sirens a month ago has alerted his owner to a potentially devastating blaze in a Brisbane, Australia suburb. ‘Patchie’ started making the siren noises after a firebug set a banana plant on fire near a stand of palms. The howling awoke owner Michael Trembath, who raced outside in his pajamas to douse the flames. You can bet Trembath, who works for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, is now an even bigger fan of critters. (He’s now teaching Patchie to mimic windstorms.)
– “The Australian”

35-year-old Neeranjan Bhaskar of Bihar, India regularly eats snakes. In fact, he claims to have gobbled up more than 4,000 of them since childhood, including various types of cobras. But here’s why he thinks he deserves a mention in the “Guinness Book of World Records” – he eats them alive!
– “The Telegraph”

The proper name for a whale’s penis is a dork.

• “When you talk about a great actor, you’re not talking about Tom Cruise. His whole behavior is so shocking … it’s kind of a sickness.”  – 80-year-old screen legend Lauren Bacall not mincing words in the latest issue of “Time” magazine.
• “Am I lonely? Yes. Am I upset? Yes. Am I confused? Yes. Do I have my days when I’ve thrown a little pity party for myself? Absolutely. But I’m also doing really well.”  – Jilted Jennifer Aniston telling the SEPTEMBER edition of “Vanity Fair” she’s A-okay … sort of.


1926 [79] Tony Bennett (Bennedetto), Astoria NY, pop/jazz singer (“I Left My Heart in San Francisco”)

1940 [65] Martin Sheen (Ramon Estevez), Dayton OH, TV actor (‘President Josiah Bartlet’ on “The West Wing” since 1999)/father of actors Charlie Sheen & Emilio Estevez

1941 [64] Martha Stewart, Jersey City NJ, TV host/lifestyle guru (“Martha”) convicted of obstructing justice & lying to investigators  FACTOID: She’s now seeking women who share the name ‘Martha Stewart’ to fill her studio audience for a future edition of her syndicated TV talk show, “Martha”, which debuts SEPTEMBER 12th.

1963 [42] Ed Roland, Atlanta GA, pop singer (Collective Soul-“Better Now”)

1963 [42] James Hetfield, LA CA, rock singer/guitarist (Metallica-“St Anger”)

1963 [42] Isaiah Washington, TV actor (‘Dr Preston Burke’ on “Grey’s Anatomy”)

1966 [39] Brent Butt, Tisdale SK, comedian/TV actor/writer (‘Brent LeRoy’ on “Corner Gas” since 2004)

1966 [39] Dean Sams, Garland TX, country singer/keyboardist (Lonestar-“You’re Like Comin’ Home”)

1977 [28] Tom Brady, San Mateo CA, NFL QB (New England Patriots) with 3 Super Bowl victories (2002, 2004, 2005) who’s signed a lucrative new 6-year contract through the 2010 season

TODAY is “Watermelon Day”, celebrating the summer treat that’s part of the pumpkin, squash & gourd family. Watermelons originated in Africa, then spread to Egypt, India, China and eventually around-the-world. These days it’s difficult to find a watermelon at the supermarket that isn’t seedless. A watermelon without seeds to spit … what’s the freakin’ point?

TOMORROW-August 14th some of the world’s best street performers show their stuff at the 19th annual “International Busker Festival” in Halifax NS. Ask about the most unusual acts.
PHONER: 866.773.0655 (ESP Productions)/902.429.3910 (Atlantic Busker Festival  Society)

TODAY is “National Park Day”, celebrating America’s national parks. Which one’s best?

TODAY the “Miss Crustacean USA” pageant creeps into Ocean City NJ, an annual competition where judges try to find the sexiest hermit crab (“Wow, look at the feelers on that one!”). The winner parades the stage to the strains of “Here she comes, Miss Crustacean …”
PHONER: 800.232.2465/609.525.9300 (Community Services)

1975 [30] Home version of pioneering video game ‘Pong’ is released by Atari Corp
NET: (Scroll down to ‘Pong’ for SFX.)

1996 [09] Los Del Rio’s infamous “Macarena” finally hits #1 after a record 33 weeks on singles charts

1933 [72] 1st ‘Mickey Mouse Watch’ ($2.75)

1949 [56] ‘NBA’ is formed as Basketball Association of America & National Basketball League merge

1983 [22] John Sain builds 3.91-meter-high (12-ft) house of cards (South Bend IN)

[Thurs] US Coast Guard Day
[Fri] 6th Billboard R&B/Hip-Hop Awards [Atlanta]
[Fri] “The Dukes of Hazzard” & “Underclassman” open in movie theaters
[Sat] National Mustard Day
[Sun] 2005 Pro Football Hall of Fame Induction [Canton OH]
This Week Is . . . World Breastfeeding Week
This Month Is . . . Win With Civility Month


• Just call me ‘milk’ … I’ll do your body good.
• I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bedrock.
• Oh sorry … I thought that was a Braille name tag.
• You know, your eyes are the exact same color as my Porsche.
• Hi, I’m a necrophiliac. How good are you at playing dead?
• Hi, my name is [your name here]. Remember it, ‘cause you’ll be screaming it all night long.
• The fact that I’m missing my teeth just means there’s more room for your tongue.
• Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
• Is it hot in here or is it just you?
• Excuse me, you just walked into my fantasy.

• Which part of your body do you like the least?
• What room of your home do you spend the most time in and why?

You and your co-host take turns answering the question. Your contestant must determine who’s bluffing and who’s telling the truth …
• Why are graves 6-feet-deep?
a. In ancient times, people were buried standing up. A 6-ft grave was the least digging possible to properly contain adults who averaged 5-and-a-half ft in height.
b. To allow enough room for a husband and wife to be buried on top of each other – 2 ft for each casket, then 2 ft of soil on top. [CORRECT].

• What’s the difference between ‘skim milk’ and ‘non-fat milk’.
a. Nothing at all. The laws governing each term are the same. [CORRECT]
b. Skim milk has much of the fat ‘skimmed’ from the surface, but the milk itself can still contain some residual fat.

• Why do sonic booms often come two at a time?
a. After the sonic boom occurs, it actually zips around-the-world in the ultra-thin ionosphere, arriving back at the original location a few seconds later.
b. That’s simple … it’s because a separate shock wave is created at both the front and back of the airplane. [CORRECT]
– “Imponderables”

• I grew up real poor. I remember we once had a flat tire … on our house.
• He’s not much of a sportsman. He once tried to kill a fish … by drowning it.
• When I was a teen I had a girlfriend one summer with square boobs. She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Today’s Question: Along with batteries, cosmetics and sunglasses, THIS is one of the most stolen items in a drugstore.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Preparation H. (Apparently people are just too embarrassed to purchase it at the counter.)

The definition of old age is always you plus 20 years.

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