Friday, August 27, 2004        Edition: #2854
Bully For You!

Rabbi Michael Berg, one of Madonna’s Kabbalah advisors, has written a new book called “Becoming Like God” (an autobiography?) . . . Are they ahead of the curve or just getting old? Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston have reportedly forked out 12-grand for – a lawn croquet set (soon they’ll be putting in a shuffleboard court) . . . Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta Jones have had bullet-proof windows installed at their new $4-million Swansea, Wales mansion to protect it from – low-flying golf balls (there’s a country club next door) . . . 37-year-old actress Nicole Kidman has reportedly had a bone density test to check for signs of osteoporosis, the so-called brittle bone disease that makes sufferers vulnerable to breakages (hey, when you’re 5′-10″ but only weigh 110 lbs, you’re vulnerable to everything!) . . . 42-year-old actor Jim Carrey is said to be inseparable from 24-year-old “Playboy” model Carla Alapont, whom he helped through depression following her break-up with “Friends” star David Schwimmer (that’s sloppy seconds, Jim) . . . Actress Halle Berry has taken revenge on cheating ex-husband Eric Bennet by giving all his designer clothes – to charity (Catty Woman!) . . . The NYC Tourist Bureau has pulled an off-Broadway show called “Naked Boys Singing” from a list of discounted offerings to visiting Republican delegates, after the Republican National Committee complained it wasn’t suitable because it features – well, a stage full of naked guys singing.

• JoJo & Gavin DeGraw – TOMORROW they’ll headline the’ Arthur Ashe Kids’ Day Concert’ to help kick off the “US Open Tennis Tournament” in NYC.
• Montgomery Gentry – TODAY they do syndicated TV talk show “On Air With Ryan Seacrest”.
• Queen – It’s about 20 years overdue, but they’re about to become the first rock band to have an album officially released in Iran.
• Beyoncé – In upcoming ads for the new Tommy Hilfiger perfume ‘True Star’, she lies on a couch singing “Wishing on a Star”. She reportedly hauled in $3.5 million to film the ads … a total of 24 hours work.
• Ashlee Simpson – She tells “Blender” magazine she has a ‘great rack’ but is too conservative to expose it.
• Jay-Z – Pleased with the success of his NYC bar ‘40/40′, he’s planning to develop a chain, beginning with a second location in Atlantic City, then expanding to Las Vegas and elsewhere.
• Cher – Her recording of the title song for the upcoming movie remake of “Alfie” (starring Jude Law) has reportedly been dumped because test audiences laughed at it.

• “Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid” (PG-13 Thriller): A group of scientists in the jungles of Borneo seeking a flower which may help extend human life encounter a very hungry giant snake. Little-known Johnny Messner stars. Let’s hope this one is less lame than 1997’s “Anaconda”, starring Jennifer Lopez & Ice Cube.
• “Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2″ (PG Comedy): A super-baby with mysterious powers comes to the aid of a new set of brilliant toddlers in this sequel to 1999’s “Baby Geniuses”.
• “Suspect Zero” (R-rated Horror Thriller): A mysterious serial killer is hunting other serial killers. An FBI agent on the case (Aaron Eckhart) suspects the perpetrator may be his own former colleague (Ben Kingsley). Co-stars Vancouver actress Carrie-Anne Moss (“The Matrix” trilogy).
• “Hero” (PG-13 Action): A martial arts master in ancient China (Jet Li) defeats 3 great warriors – ‘Broken Sword’, ‘Flying Snow’, and ‘Long Sky’ – who seek to murder the most powerful of warlords. In this most expensive Chinese movie to date ($30 million), the costumes change from red (imagination) to blue (perceived reality) to white (truth).

SUNDAY at 9pm from the American Airlines Arena in Miami (carried live on MuchMusic).
• Instead of limos, many of music’s biggest stars will show up at the seaside venue in luxury yachts.
• Jay-Z leads nominees with 6 nominations; Beyoncé, No Doubt and OutKast have 5 each.
• Scheduled performers include Usher, OutKast, Jessica Simpson, Kanye West, Jet, Hoobastank, Yellowcard, Christina Aguilera and Alicia Keys.
• Presenters include Jennifer Lopez , Shaquille O’Neal, Gwyneth Paltrow, Hilary Duff , Will Smith, Dave Chappelle, Paris Hilton, Lenny Kravitz, The Beastie Boys, Evanescence’s Amy Lee, Ashlee Simpson and P Diddy.
• Beenie Man has been pulled from the roster due to protests from gay groups who object to his homophobic lyrics.

Germany’s Langenscheidt Publishing Group is putting out a new female-to-male dictionary that will offer men plain-spoken translations of what women are saying to them. For instance, “Let’s just cuddle” translates to “No sex tonight please!” Here are a few other BS female phrases with hidden meaning …
• “Can’t we just be friends?” (Which means: “There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine again.”)
• “I just need some space “ (“ … without you in it.)
• “Can you help me with this?” (“If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.”)
• “No really, pizza’s fine.” (“You cheap bastard.”)
• “I just don’t want a boyfriend right now.” (“I just don’t want YOU as a boyfriend right now.”)
• “I don’t know; what do you want to do?” (“I can’t believe you have nothing planned, idiot.”)
• “I like you but …” (“I don’t like you.”)
• “I’ll be ready in a minute.) (“I AM ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I can.”)
• “Oh yes, yes! Right there!” (“Close enough. Let’s get this over with.”)
• “Of course, there’s no one else.” (“I’m doing your brother.”)
• “Do I look fat in this dress?” (“We haven’t had a fight in a while.”)
• “You never listen.” (“You never listen.”)
(Ask listeners to contribute more.)

The wheels on your vehicle may someday be replaced by – cockroach legs. Scientists from Case Western University in Cleveland OH have been working on ‘cockroach vehicles’ for years, claiming that replacing wheels with legs that replicate the speed and spryness of the cockroach will make it easier for vehicles to traverse rough terrain. They recently revealed their latest models at a robotics conference in Brisbane, Australia. (Coll! If they’re like the real thing, the bast*rds will never die!)
– “Sydney Morning Herald”

• For every ‘A’ they receive on their report cards, elementary school kids in Palm Beach FL are being offered – free Krispy Kreme doughnuts. (Yeah, let’s fatten up those eggheads!)
• Border Patrol officers along the US-Mexico border are now using non-lethal guns that shoot pellets filled with – chile pepper powder. (Now illegals are demanding, “C’mon man, how ‘bout some refrieds on the side?”)
• Teachers at JFK Middle School in Northampton MA have switched to purple markers to grade test papers because – students find the traditional red too scary. Purple apparently stands out but doesn’t look as frightening as red. (My old teacher Mr Himler used blood.)
• A Louisville KY teacher was pulled over and found to have a blood-alcohol content twice the legal limit – while driving to her first day of school. After being charged with drunk driving, she later returned to her 5th-grade class. (“Hiyas, I’m Mish Prushy and I’ll be teeshing you shience, thish term …”)

Melbourne, Australia company Engineair has developed a vehicle that runs on – air! Their ‘Garden Buggy’, resembling a golf cart, runs on compressed air from a cylinder which is blown through a rotor to drive the motor. (In related news, Royal Dutch Shell is researching ways to charge for air.)
– Australian Broadcasting Company Online

TODAY at the “Great New York State Fair “ in Syracuse, an attempt will be made to bake the ‘World’s Largest Bagel’. A crane will lift the 6-ft in diameter, 1,000-lb ring into a specially-built oven where it will have to bake for 10 hours. When finished, they’ll slather cream cheese on top – 500 lbs of it! The previous record bagel weighed 713 lbs.

Johns Hopkins medical researchers studied 48 mascots for professional sports teams and found 179 job-related injuries, including heat illness, knee problems and ankle sprains. In all, the mascots suffered 2.7 injuries for every 1,000 appearances.
– “100 Most Dangerous Things in Everyday Life: And What You Can Do About Them”


1949 [55] Jeff Cook, Ft Payne AL, classic country singer (Alabama-“The Closer You Get”, “When It All Goes South”)

1953 [51] Alex Lifeson (Zivojinovich), Fernie BC, classic rock singer/guitarist (Rush-“Vapor Trails”, “Spirit of Radio”) whose much-delayed trial date for assault charges in Naples FL will now begin SEPTEMBER 13th.

1970 [34] Tony Kanal, Kingsbury UK, rock bassist (No Doubt-“It’s My Life”, “Don’t Speak”)

1976 [28] Sarah Chalke, Ottawa ON, TV actress (‘Dr Elliot Reid’ on “Scrubs” since 2001)

1988 [16] Alexa Vega, Miami FL, movie actress (‘Carmen Cortez’ in “Spy Kids 1-3D”)

1938 [66] Paul Martin, Windsor ON, Canada’s 21st Prime Minister (don’t you retire at 65?)

1943 [61] Lou Pinella, Tampa FL, Major League Baseball manager (Tampa Bay Devil Rays)/ex-MLB player (4 World Series-NY Yankees)

1965 [39] Shania Twain (Eilleen Regina Edwards), Windsor ON (raised in Timmins & Sudbury ON), country singer (“She’s Not Just A Pretty Face”, “You’re Still The One”)/Canada’s Walk of Fame (2003)

1969 [35] Jack Black, Hermosa Beach CA, movie actor (“The School of Rock”)  UP NEXT: “Shark Tale” (Toronto Film Festival), “King Kong” (2005).

1969 [35] Jason Priestley, Vancouver BC, TV actor (‘Jack Harper ‘ on “Tru Calling”, “Beverly Hills 90210″ 1990-98)/auto racing driver who suffered severe injuries in 2002 crash

1970 [34] Sherrie Austin (Krenn), Sydney AUS, country singer (“Streets of Heaven”, “Never Been Kissed”)

1982 [22] LeAnn Rimes, Jackson MS (raised Garland TX), country singer (“Nothin’ ‘Bout Love Makes Sense”, “How Do I Live”) who started singing at age 3 and has sold over 20 million records

TODAY is “Petroleum Day”, honoring the very first successful oil well drilled near Titusville PA 145 years ago (1859). It’s a day of celebration if you belong to the ritzy Petroleum Club in Calgary or Edmonton, but a day of mourning if your gas-guzzling Hummer 2 is on empty! (Is it true they now come with a built-in ATM?)

Houston, Fort Worth or Tulsa

SATURDAY the “Canal Vaulting Championships” hop to it in Jaarsvelt, the Netherlands when competitors attempt to pole vault up to 20 meters (66 ft) across canals. About a third of the competitors end up in the water.

SUNDAY the annual “Ironman Canada” triathlon huffs and puffs around Penticton BC. Competitors swim 4 Ks, bike 180 Ks, then run 42 Ks. (Then die.)
PHONER: 250.490.8787 (Subaru Ironman Canada HQ)

SUNDAY is the 8th annual”Wreck Beach Bare Buns Run” to raise funds for Vancouver’s famous nude beach. The race is clothing-optional & those who run naked get a special certificate. It’s part of a “Buns Across the Border” Three-Way Celebration of Naturism. We wonder, does running nude increase risk of injury?
PHONER: 604.856.9598 Judy Williams, Federation of Canadian Naturists)

1955 [49] 1st publication of “Guinness Book of World Records” (sells over 70 million copies, more than any other book excepting the Bible and the Koran)

1990 [14] Toronto Blue Jays game in Skydome delayed 35 minutes due to – gnats

1982 [22] ‘Largest Apple Pie’, weighing 30,115 lbs is baked in 40-by-23 ft dish by TV chef Glynn Christian in Chelsfield, England

1994 [10] ‘Largest Balloon Release’ as a total of 1,592,744 are released by Disney Home Video at Longleat House, England

[Sun] More Herbs, Less Salt Day
[Sun] Athens Summer Olympic Games closing ceremony
[Mon-Sept 2] Republican National Convention (NYC)
[Mon-Sept 14] World Cup of Hockey
[Tues] Love Litigating Lawyers Day
[Tues] “The Passion of the Christ” released on DVD
This Week Is . . . Be Kind To Humankind Week
This Month Is . . . Water Quality Month


6. Toronto (15 championship titles: Maple Leafs 11, Blue Jays 2, St Pats 1, Arenas 1)
5. Los Angeles (16 championship titles)
4. Detroit (17 championship titles)
3. Montréal (25 championship titles: Canadiens 23, Maroons 2)
2. Boston (29 championship titles)
1. New York (50 championship titles)

• Mommy is the one who stays with the new baby after the company loses interest.
• A sure sign of bureaucracy is when the first person who answers the phone can’t help you.
• The upshot to dying is you don’t have to work the next day.
• The cool thing about swimming is the worse you are at it, the more exercise you get.

Today’s Question: If THIS is the case in your marriage, you are still in the minority.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The wife earns more than the husband.

Your body is just another recyclable container.

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