Thursday, August 26, 2004        Edition: #2853
Another Sheetload of Bull!

TODAY Gwyneth Paltrow does her first interview since becoming a mother on “The Oprah Winfrey Show” (when she’ll attempt to justify naming the poor kid ‘Apple’) . . . TODAY the 3-day “Rock Star Poker Tournament” antes up at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas, with Tommy Lee, Dave Navarro & Goo Goo Dolls frontman Johnny Rzeznik among the participants . . . After 34 years, ABC-TV may be forced to give up “Monday Night Football” because parent company Disney is losing about $150-million-a -year on the network’s #1 show after forking out over a half-billion annually for rights (will there be FOX “Monday Night Football”?) . . . “In Touch” magazine claims Paris Hilton’s infamous Chihuahua ‘Tinkerbell’ was never found and she’s now lugging around a look-alike (or perhaps a sewer rat) . . .  Brad Pitt’s younger sibling Doug has blabbed that bro’ Brad & Jennifer Aniston ARE, in fact , adopting a baby (Doug ain’t welcome at the mansion anymore) . . . 19-year-old actress Scarlett Johansson says she’d happily have a fling with an older man – even a guy who’s 40, 50 or 60-years-old (oh oh, she’s currently filming in London with 68-year-old director Woody Allen!) . . . Celebs attending SUNDAY’S “MTV Video Music Awards” will be spoiled with a $20,000-goodie bag that includes an iPod, Versace sunglasses, a diamond bracelet and – a year’s supply of Willy Wonka chocolate (wouldn’t that involve a lot less for Mary-Kate Olsen than say Queen Latifah?) . . . His previous lawyer quit so now music producer Phil Spector has hired attorney Bruce Cutler (famous for his work on behalf of late mob boss John Gotti) to defend him on those year-and-half-old murder charges . . . And the word’s out that actress Julia Roberts’ twins, a boy & a girl, are due in JANUARY.

• Phil Collins – TONIGHT he launches “The First Final Farewell Tour”, his first solo tour of North America in 7 years, to promote his new album “Love Songs: A Compilation … Old and New”.
• Usher – He says he deserves to live the ‘good life’. Among his excesses –  for breakfast he has a special brand of honey flown in from Paris to wherever he is in the world.
• Tim McGraw – He’ll make his feature film debut in “Friday Night Lights” starring Billy Bob Thornton, opening OCTOBER 15th.
• Madonna – She’s invested in her dad’s struggling Michigan vineyard because hubby Guy Ritchie is a huge fan of the Pinot Noir that Tony Ciccone produces.
• Dave Matthews Band – They’re being sued for $70,000 by the State of Illinois after their tour bus driver allegedly dumped 800 lbs of human waste into the Chicago River, drenching a tourist boat filled with passengers.
• Britney Spears – eBay bidding is now close to $2,000 on a wad of her – discarded chewing gum.
• Alanis Morissette – TODAY she’s on ABC-TV’s daytime talk show “ The View”.

Show biz brothers Sean, Marlon & Keenan Ivory Wayans will write & produce a ‘21st century makeover’ of the classic TV series “The Munsters”, but have no plans to star in the movie . . . “Chicago” director Rob Marshall is heading to Japan to film “Memoirs Of A Geisha”, which will star “Last Samurai’s” Ken Watanabe and “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” actresses Michelle Yeoh & Zhang Ziyi . . . Shooting on Natalie Portman’s new movie “Garden State” was delayed when the cast and crew were ordered to stop filming in a NJ house after someone used the bathtub – as a toilet . . . The next Muppet film, “The Muppet Wizard Of Oz”, will feature cameos by Queen Latifah, Ashanti & “Kill Bill” director Quentin Tarantino . . . TV sitcom stars Ray Romano & Kevin James will play meat salesmen looking to meet their quota on the hottest day of the year in the upcoming comedy “Grilled” . . . Actress Mena Suvari demanded a ‘mouth double’ for the movie “Trauma” after learning the director wanted a closeup shot of a poisonous spider entering her mouth . . . Ellen DeGeneres has the lead in an upcoming remake of the 1977 comedy “Oh, God!”, which starred the late George Burns (don’t you somehow see God as more of a lipstick lesbian?).

Tempra Technology has developed the ‘IC Can’, an environmentally friendly aluminum can that uses a self-chilling process involving a cooling gel, a moisture remover and heat sinks. The company claims the gizmo can drop the temperature of a 10-oz beverage by 30 degrees Fahrenheit in just 3 minutes. Tempra is looking for a partner to put a branded beverage inside.
– “Gizmodo”

76-year-old Newfoundland-born Ann Ewell of Ossian IN is finally selling off her collection of soft drink cans – over 100,000 of them! The collection of rare and vintage cans that fills an 8-room, 50-by-100-ft shed, will be auctioned SATURDAY. Begun in 1976, the collection includes foreign cans, sports & comedy themes, and defunct brands such as Cliquot Club, Up, Tip Top and Twang. There’s also a Coca-Cola room, containing just about anything that has ever had a Coke logo on it!
– “Fort Wayne News-Sentinel”
PHONER: 260.622.4488 (Ann Ewell)
PHONER: 260.447.4311 (Tim McCulloch, Wiegmann Auctioneers)

A new study finds that making love is better than making money when it comes to making you happy. Economics researchers David Blachflower of Dartmouth College and Andrew Oswald of the UK’s University of Warwick have come to that conclusion after analyzing the data from a survey of 16,000 people. They’ve even put a dollar value on the dirty deed – doing the nasty once a week instead of once a month is equal to the happiness you get from $50,000. And they estimate that marriage is like getting a $100,000 bonus each year, while divorce is like losing $66,000. Bottom line — those who are ‘getting’ it are usually in a much better mood than those who aren’t. (Speaking of grumpy people, here’s [sports guy] …)
– “Enquirer”

A company called GPS Tracks has developed the ‘Global Pet Finder’ which will allow owners to keep track of their dogs using miniaturized Global Positioning System receivers and mobile modems attached to a pooch’s collar. Owners can set the boundaries for their dogs at a Website or on the device itself, specifying how far the pet can roam. If the dog exceeds the boundaries, the owner automatically gets a call on a cell phone or PDA. The system will be on the market by the end of the year for around $300, plus a monthly monitoring fee of about $13. A version for cats is coming NEXT YEAR. (Do you need GPS to know your cat is still napping on your bed after 16 hours?)
– “Globe & Mail”

On the Mediterranean island of Cyprus, cats and their fleas have put the Cyprus Broadcasting Corporation off-the-air. Only music and news bulletins are being broadcast while fumigators try to make the corporations 3 radio stations livable for humans again. There have reportedly been more than a hundred stray cats running over the roof of the CyBC building and into the studios. At one point, a cat fell through the roof and landed on a broadcaster’s head! The stations may be off-air for as long as 3 days. (Fortunately, there’s no cats in our studio … a few rats maybe.)
– Reuters

Shugborough Estate, the centuries-old tourist attraction near Stafford UK that hired a professional live-in hermit 2 years ago, is now advertising for a professional – gossip. The ‘ear-wigging, tongue-wagging, tittle-tattler’ must be proficient at ‘small talk, prattle and gibbering’, and possess skills in ‘artful snooping’ and ‘grapevine development’. The successful candidate will be dressed as a maid or footman and provide idle chatter about goings-on in the grand old mansion during tours. Oh, by the way, the pay is in cash and beer – a gallon of it every day!
– “The Guardian”
PHONER: 011.889.881388 (Shugborough Estate)


1945 [59] Tom Ridge, Pittsburgh PA, first-ever US Secretary of Homeland Security since 2001/former Pennsylvania Governor (so Tom, are we on yellow or orange today?)

1961 [43] Jimmy Olander, Palos Verdes CA, country singer (Diamond Rio-“Can’t You Tell”, “Beautiful Mess”)

1966 [38] Dan Vickrey, Walnut Creek CA, rock guitarist/vocalist (Counting Crows-“Accidentally In Love”, Big Yellow Taxi”)

1969 [35] Adrian Young, Long Beach CA, rock drummer (No Doubt-“It’s My Life”, “Underneath It All”)

1969 [35] Melissa McCarthy, Plainfield IL, TV actress (‘Sookie St James’ on “Gilmore Girls” since 2000)

1980 [24] Macaulay Culkin, NYC, movie actor with dysfunctional family (“Richie Rich”, “Home Alone 1 & 2″)/reportedly a former Michael Jackson favorite due to his ‘bee-stung lips’

TODAY is “Make Your Own Luck Day”, a day to take affirmative action to gain control of your life. S’funny … the harder you work, the luckier you get!

TODAY is “Women’s Equality Day”, celebrating the civil rights movement by women that had its formal beginnings in 1848 at the world’s first women’s rights convention, in Seneca Falls NY. It’s also the anniversary of the 1920 creation of the 19th Amendment to the US Constitution that prohibits discrimination on the basis of sex. (So how come a woman’s haircut still costs more?)

TODAY-Sunday the 25th “Great American Duck Race” paddles into Deming NM. No little rubber duckies here, just real live quackers competing for prize money in the ‘world’s richest duck race’.
PHONER: 888.345.1125/505.544.0469

TODAY through September 6th the “Montréal World Film Festival” reels, including not only the ‘World Competition’ but also a ‘First Films Competition’, ‘Competitions of the Continents’, and a category solely for movie & TV documentaries. This year’s fest features the world premiere of “Head in the Clouds”, starring Charlize Theron & Penelope Cruz.
PHONER: 514.848.3883 (David Novek, Director of Communications)

SATURDAY and Sunday the 13th annual “Canadian Garlic Festival” invades Sudbury ON. Events include a ‘garlic hunt’ and ‘garlic relay’ (eat a clove, then breathe on the next person?).
PHONER: 705.673.7404

580 [1424] 1st ‘toilet paper’ is invented by the Chinese (takes another 1,000 years to replace the handy stick or pile of leaves in the western world)

1929 [75] 1st ‘roller coaster’ built in America (next day, the 1st upchuck found on a roller coaster seat)

1939 [65] 1st ‘Major League Baseball telecast’ features Reds vs Dodgers (WZXBS in NYC)

1961 [43] ‘Hockey Hall of Fame’ opens in Toronto

1996 [08] 1st ‘World Cup of Hockey’ begins in Stockholm (eventually won by USA, dammit!)

[Fri] Petroleum Day (get oiled!)
[Sun] Athens Summer Olympic Games closing ceremony (they’ve hired Perdita Felicien to take down the equipment)
[Sun] 21st MTV Video Music Awards
[Sun] 8th Wreck Beach Bare Buns Run (Vancouver)
[Mon-Sept 2] Republican National Convention (NYC)
[Mon-Sept 14] World Cup of Hockey (we’re gonna have these once every 8 years?)
[Tues] “The Passion of the Christ” released on DVD
This Week Is . . . Save Your Smile Week
This Month Is . . . Cataract Awareness Month


• “Is that a medal in your Speedo or are you just happy to see me?”
• “What do you say we go back to your place and do our own floor routine?”
• “Yet in some ways, that ‘Fastest Man Alive’ title is totally undeserved.”
• “Sure the medal means a lot but the fame and multi-million dollar endorsement deals mean nothing without someone special to share it all with …”
• “You’re more attractive than an untraceable banned substance.”
• “These victory platforms are so full of phoneys, aren’t they?”

Q: You’ve been staring at some of the world’s finest during the Olympics, so you oughta know – what’s the largest of the 639 named muscles in the human body?
A: The ‘gluteus maximus’ – your butt!
– “Guinness Book of World Records”

It’s 3am and after a long night of clubbing, you’re almost famished. What’s the absolute best ‘late night food’?

• Gargle with water.
• Swallow some stale bread.
• Chew on a vinegar-soaked sugar cube.
• Squeeze the bridge of your nose.
• Pull your tongue.
– “Men’s Health”

1. Orlando Bloom
2. Usher
3. US Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps

Today’s Question: Hardly anyone over age 65 has ever done THIS, but the rest of us do it all the time.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Throw away pennies.

The real world is whatever TV says it is.

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