Monday, August 16, 2004        Edition: #2845
More Bull Soup For the Radio Personality’s Soul!

TACKY TABLOID BS:
• “Sun” reports that Paris Hilton’s shivering little Chihuahua ‘Tinkerbell’, most recently seen on FOX-TV’s “Teen Choice Awards”, has gone missing in Beverly Hills. Desperate Paris has put up a $1,000 reward for the little guy’s safe return. (Alive or on a bun.)
PHONER: 310-858-5410 (Hilton assistant Wendy)
• TV vet Jimmy Smits (“NYPD Blue”, “LA Law”) will join the cast of “The West Wing” THIS FALL, playing a long-serving Houston TX congressman, reports “Variety”. (What they really should do to perk up “West Wing” ratings is … make more than 3 new episodes per season!)
• Sounds like actress Angelica Jolie & actor Val Kilmer are becoming an item after meeting on the set of the upcoming film “Alexander”. According to “National Enquirer”, her eyes ‘light up’ whenever she talks about him. (You never know … that could be fear.)
• This is life in the world of excess … 30-year-old Brit stupormodel Kate Moss has hired an artist to paint a picture of her in the arms of – Elvis Presley. (Cool! On velvet?)
• P Diddy has been booed off the stage on the trendy Mediterranean island of Ibiza – twice! “Daily Mirror” reports that unimpressed patrons at Space Club jeered when he took the stage and started rapping, then a visit to local underground club DC10 also proved unpopular – crowd reaction was so bad he was forced to leave. Afterward, he reportedly looked very hurt and was heard asking one of his flunkies, “Why don’t they dig me?” (Who was it said, ‘Quality will out’?)
• Oscar-winner Charlize Theron is the new face of best-selling Christian Dior perfume J’Adore, for which she’ll reportedly earn $3 million over 3 years. “Daily Dish” says she’s due to star in print and TV ads starting THIS FALL. (Presumably not in her “Monster” makeup.)
• Actress Jamie Lee Curtis tells “More” magazine she’s considering quitting show biz. Why? She doesn’t want to watch her face get older on film. She says the upcoming Tim Allen seasonal comedy “Christmas With the Kranks” may be her last flick. (Wow, what a high level of artistry to go out on!)

WACKY “WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Aliens Claim Jacko Is Their Son!”
• “River of Beer Discovered in Germany!”
• “Al Qaeda Plans to Drop Gay Bombs!”
• “Clinton Sets Sights on the Olsen Twins!”
• “Martha Creates Stepford Clone – Domestic Diva Lives it Up While Double Goes to Jail!”
• “Condi Rice Thinks She’s Catwoman!”
• “Mexicans Using Giant Slingshot to Sneak into US!”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Limp Bizkit: Frontman Fred Durst is said to be Paris Hilton’s latest boy-toy. These two may be made fore each other – both have serial-dated throughout the entertainment industry.
• Ashlee Simpson: She says she is definitely NOT coming back for a 2nd season of her MTV show.
• Madonna: She stunned concert organizers in Ireland with her backstage demands, including 25 cases of ‘Kabbalah water’. She refuses to drink anything but the water sold by the trendy religious movement, and is apparently pushing it on everyone working her tour.
• Pearl Jam: They’re set to record their 8th studio album after participating in the “Vote for Change” tour in OCTOBER.
• George Strait: The Justin Boot Company is unveiling a new line of footwear to be marketed as the ‘George Strait Collection’.
• Hilary Duff: Her ‘secret crush’ on hard-partying British royal Prince Harry recently came to light and now the 19-year-old prince is said to be interested in hooking up.
• Lenny Kravitz: He’s postponed his FALL tour just a couple weeks after it was announced due to ‘family matters’. It’s now going to be rescheduled for NEXT YEAR.
• Rolling Stones: 63-year-old drummer Charlie Watts is being treated for throat cancer. Watts, who hasn’t smoked since the ‘60s, is said to be in good form and has been walking to the London hospital to be treated.

BE FAT, BE SAFE:
A recent study reveals that fat people are much less likely to suffer violent deaths than thin people. Why? Researchers say it’s possible overweight people have different habits that keep them out of harm’s way. (It’s hard to get run over by a truck if you never leave the all-you-can-eat buffet.)

A BISTRO FOR BEASTS:
TODAY the first-ever cat café opens in NYC … well, at least for a 1-week trial run. The ‘Meow Mix Café’ on Fifth Avenue in Manhattan offers combo menu items for both felines and their humans. For instance, if the owner orders a beef tenderloin sandwich, the cat gets ‘Fillet Meow’ beef in gravy. If it’s crab cakes for the owner, it’s ‘Upstream Dream’ salmon & crab in sauce for the puss. Invitations for the grand opening have been sent to celebs as well as cat owners whose names appear on local cat club lists. The café also features catnip-filled mice toys and scratching posts. (Um, for the cats, right?)
PHONER: 877.636.9649
NET: http://www.meowmix.com/newsevents/news.asp

FEMALES ARE STRONGER:
Scientists at Britain’s Nottingham University have found that women who are vegetarians are more likely to have girls. Researcher Pauline Hudson says one reason may be the additional stress placed on the body by a vegetarian diet. Weaker male fetuses die, while females, which are hardier, survive. (Suggested new beef industry slogan: “Want boys? Eat steak!”)

ALL-TIME MOVIE ‘ANTI-HEROES’:
1. ‘Travis Bickle’ (Robert De Niro in “Taxi Driver” 1976)
2. ‘Leon’ (Jean Reno in “Leon” 1994)
3. ‘D-Fens’ (Michael Douglas in “Falling Down” 1993)
4. ‘Harry Callahan’ (Clint Eastwood in “Dirty Harry” 1971)
5. ‘Alex DeLarge’ (Malcolm McDowell in “A Clockwork Orange” 1971)
– “Total Film” magazine ranking.

THE BULL SHEET 08.16.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1954 [50] James Cameron, Kapuskasing ON, movie director/producer/writer (Oscar-“Titanic”, “Terminator 1 & 2″)/1st director to film both a $100-million movie (“True Lies” 1994) and a $200-million movie (“Titanic” 1997)

1958 [46] Madonna (Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone), Bay City MI, pop singer (“Ray Of Light”, “Take a Bow”) who’s currently traveling through Europe with her “Re-Invention” tour/bad film actress (“Swept Away”, “Die Another Day”)/Mrs Guy Ritchie since 2000/mom to Rocco & Lourdes

1958 [46] Angela Bassett, NYC, movie actress (“What’s Love Got to Do With It”, “Waiting To Exhale”)

1959 [45] Laura Innes, Pontiac MI, TV actress (‘Dr Kerry Weaver’ on “ER” since 1995)

1972 [32] Emily (Erwin) Robison, Pittsfield MA, country singer (Dixie Chicks-“Long Time Gone”, “Wide Open Spaces”)

1980 [24] Vanessa Carlton, Milford PA, pop singer (“A Thousand Miles”, “Ordinary Day”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the 27th anniversary of Elvis Presley being found dead in the john at Graceland from a drug overdose. He died in Memphis TN August 16, 1977 at age 42. It’s amazing how many movies Elvis made – more than 30! But what’s more amazing is how stupid some of their titles were. Give the following list rapid-fire to a contestant who must decide if each is a real Elvis film or a fake …
ELVIS FILM OR NOT?
• “Girl Happy” (REAL)
• “What Goes Around Comes Around” (NOT)
• “Speed Rocker” (NOT)
• “Kissin’ Cousins” (REAL)
• “Clambake” (REAL)
• “Spinout” (REAL)
• “Crazy For Chicks” (NOT)
• “Harum Scarum” (REAL)
• “Cool’s The Rule” (NOT)
• “Flaming Star” (REAL)

TODAY is “National Tell-A-Joke Day”, a good day to have people call in with really rotten jokes, then tutor them on how to make them funnier.
RULES FOR TELLING A JOKE:
• Before you open your mouth, know your joke. Even if you’re ad-libbing, you must have a clear idea of where you’re headed.
• Know your audience. All jokes are not appropriate for all gatherings.
• Do not ask permission to tell a joke. Surprise is crucial.
• Do not tell everyone how funny your joke is beforehand.
• There must be ample set-up, providing the pertinent details the audience needs to know.
• There must be a punch line or strong conclusion.
• Avoid detours. As a rule, jokes work best in a straight line.
• Commit to your joke. Once you begin, follow through to the end.
• If you have to ask afterward, ‘Do ya get it?’ … it’s not funny.
– “Your Humor Guide”

TODAY is “Discovery Day” in Yukon, celebrating the discovery of gold on Rabbit Lake – later known as Bonanza Lake – that touched off the great Klondike Gold Rush on August 17, 1896. (Hey, any excuse for a holiday is cool!)

TODAY is the 8th annual “Stay Home with Your Kids Day”, sponsored by the online magazine ‘WAHM’ (Work-at-Home Moms). The purpose of the day is to celebrate, encourage & support parents who have chosen to be home with their children. (As in “Adam @ Home” in the comics.)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1999 [05] 1st edition of “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” hosted by Regis Philbin premieres on ABC-TV as a summer fill-in special and quickly becomes TV’s #1 show

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1930 [74] 1st “British Empire Games” (now “Commonwealth Games”), open in Hamilton ON

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1960 [44] Joseph Kittinger sets world record for ‘successful free fall’, dropping 84,700 ft – more than 16 miles before opening parachute over New Mexico

1974 [30] Cindy Nicholas swims across Lake Ontario in record 15 hours, 18 minutes

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Thriftshop Day (give away a shopping spree!)
[Wed] Bad Poetry Day
[Fri] National Radio Day
[Fri] “Exorcist: The Beginning” & “Without a Paddle” open in movie theaters
[Sat] National Spumoni Day
[Sat] Homeless Animals Day
[Sun] Tooth Fairy Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Weird Contest Week      
National Health Center Week      
Reduce the Clutter Week      
National Aviation Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS ‘IT PAYS TO BE IGERNANT’:

Nobody likes a smart-ass, so the object of this game is for your contestant to strive to be dead wrong! If they get all the answers incorrect, they win! The correct answers which they can NOT give are in parenthesis …
• What’s the 3rd-most-popular month for weddings? [August, behind June and September.]
• What do you call a male duck? [A ‘drake’.]
• The average person spends this much time kissing in a lifetime. [2 weeks.]
• Which is heavier – a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? [They both weigh the same – a ton.]
• What color flag do you hold up to surrender? [White.]
• What do the ‘H’s in ‘4-H Club’ stand for? [Head, heart, hands and health.]
• Which part of your body never stops growing? [Ears or nose.]
• What is the Olympic motto? [‘Citius, Altius, Fortius’ which means ‘Swifter, Higher, Stronger’.]

BS Q&A:
Q: Name 2 Olympic events that are won by moving BACKWARDS.
A: Swimming the backstroke, rowing, and you could make a case for high-jumping using the ‘Fosbury Flop’.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• What’s the absolute dumbest Olympic event? That wacky women’s gymnastics thing with hoops, ribbons and balls is right up there, but the dumbest has to be ‘synchronized diving’. Who came up with this convoluted idea? And why diving? Why not ‘synchronized equestrian’ or ‘synchronized pole vault’?
• Wouldn’t the Olympics be far more interesting if they were interactive? Let TV viewers vote online! Who cares if that dude from Kazakhstan did a perfect two-and-a-half in pike position with a lemon twist? His swimsuit sucked … he gets a 3!
• Why don’t car dealers quit dicking around with numbers and just give us the honest bottom line? Case in point – there really is no ‘0% financing’. It is always offered as an alternative to ‘factory rebates’. You cannot get both. So if you take the so-called 0% financing, the factory rebates you DON’T get (hundreds if not thousands of dollars) in effect constitute a financing charge.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: LAST YEAR 400,000 gallons of THIS was sold. Surprisingly, women weren’t the only ones buying it.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Nair, the hair removal cream.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

NEW SHEETERS:
Derek Zabel @ CFTK Terrace BC is our newest “BS” subscriber, and this week samplers include Dwayne Gary @ KSCS Arlington TX; David Sutton-Rowe @ URB FM Alicante, Spain; Bill Mathews @ KWNA Winnemucca NV; and CJ McIntyre @ WPKF Poughkeepsie NY. Welcome to the pasture, all!


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