Friday, August 6, 2004                Edition: #2839
Avoid Sheet Fits – Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription!

TONIGHT in Miami the annual “Billboard R&B/Hip-Hop Awards” are handed out, with R Kelly nominated 8 times and Jay-Z picking up 7 nods . . . Any of this sound familiar? Pam Anderson’s just-released ‘novel’ “Star”  is about a starlet with huge breasts who breaks into Hollywood through a TV show called “Lifeguards Inc” and then appears on a home improvement show called “Hammer Time” (“It’s not F Scott Fitzgerald but I’m really proud of it,” she says) . . . FOX-TV is mulling the idea of bringing Paris Hilton & Nicole Richie back for “The Simple Life 3″ (oh gawd – uncle!!!!!) . . . Another rock-based musical is coming to Broadway – “Pink Floyd’s The Wall”, based on the 3rd-best-selling album of all-time (“Hey producer, leave those tunes alone!”) . . . Organizers of NEXT MONTH’s “Venice Film Festival” are pushing to have honorary Italian citizenship granted to actor Robert De Niro, who’s apparently eligible because his great-grandparents were born in Italy (they might have second thoughts if they’d seen “Analyze That”) . . . Actor George Clooney will become an even bigger ‘hunk’ in his next role, shaving his head and packing on 40 lbs to play a CIA agent in “Syriana” . . . Actor Colin Farrell says he always wears his lucky underwear – boxers with a shamrock design – when he starts a new film and he’ll continue the tradition because they never fail (although they needed laundering after “Phone Booth”) . . . When she was younger she had a pair of breast enlargement operations, but now 58-year-old country legend Dolly Parton is reportedly planning to undergo breast REDUCTION surgery due to – backaches.

• U2 – They’ve reportedly approached the Scissor Sisters to support them on their as-yet-untitled tour NEXT YEAR.
• Outkast – TOMORROW they’re on NBC-TV’s “Saturday Night Live”.
• Bob Dylan – TONIGHT he opens a 22-date tour of minor league baseball parks in Cooperstown NY, home of the Baseball Hall of Fame. Willie Nelson is also on the bill.
• Jessica Simpson – TONIGHT she’s on “Late Show With David Letterman”.
• P Diddy – Spanish police boarded his yacht, moored off the Mediterranean island of Ibiza, after neighbors complained about noise and loud music.
• Rascal Flatts – SUNDAY they’ll sing the anthem prior to the “Brickyard 400″ auto race at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
• Kanye West – He has commissioned a re-creation of the Sistine Chapel on his dining room ceiling. It has over 50 cherubs and saints.

• “Collateral” (R-rated Action Thriller): Tom Cruise plays a real villain for the first time – an assassin sent to kill 5 witnesses to a major drug deal. Jamie Foxx is the hapless cab driver the hitman takes hostage and forces to drive him around LA. Picture this – Adam Sandler was considered for the role of the cabbie before Foxx was cast. (We’ve never seen Cruise as a jerk before – but Nicole Kidman might say otherwise.)
• “Little Black Book” (PG-13 Romantic Comedy): Brittany Murphy plays a daytime TV talk show producer whose boyfriend is commitment-phobic. So she sneaks into his ‘black book’ (a Palm Pilot) and  interviews his old girlfriends under the false pretense it has something to do with the show. Oscar-winners Holly Hunter & Kathy Bates must have been embarrassed to co-star.

YESTERDAY’s “Times of London” featured an ad looking for applicants to become Britain’s first court jester in 350 years. The position of ‘court jester’ died along with King Charles I, who was executed by Oliver Cromwell’s supporters in 1649. The monarchy was restored 11 years later, but the position of jester did not return. English Heritage, which manages various historic sites in Britain, will be the new employer and lists the qualifications for the position …
• “Must be mirthful and prepared to work summer weekends in 2005.”
• “Must have own outfit (with bells). Bladder on stick provided if required.”
Auditions will be held TOMORROW and the winner will have to negotiate a salary.
– AP

Japanese women have been lining up to buy their very own ‘Boyfriend Arm Pillow’ – a snuggly alternative to the real thing. The bed buddy comes with his own shirts and an optional vibrating alarm function to gently shake the owner awake. The faux-boyfriend pillow is currently only available in Japan for about $78, but there are plans to begin exporting the product. Advantages of having a fake bed buddy – he won’t stay out late, he doesn’t snore, and he won’t hog the blankets. (And odds are you won’t get pregnant.)

 A new study led by Dr David Pearson of the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville FL surveyed both plastic surgery patients and non-patients about – noses. They were asked to select their favorites from several ‘nasal profiles’ presented in pictures. The best beak? According to the participants, the ideal nose is not too prominent, with a modest scoop at the bridge and a slightly upturned tip.
– “Archives of Facial Plastic Surgery”

A recent poll of parents in the UK found that 75% think shopping with children is stressful and almost half had experienced ‘boredom tantrums’ in supermarkets. That’s why supermarket chain Tesco is developing a shopping cart to keep tots busy while their parents shop. Cart manufacturer Wanzl is looking to incorporate DVDs, CDs and educational games for children in what’s being called the ‘Tantrum Tamer’. The design features an electronic screen attached to the shopping cart handle and a kiddie seat at the front. (But you can bet they’ll still keep candy by the checkout.)
– BBC News

Israeli soldiers suffering from combat stress after tours of duty in the Palestinian territories may soon be treated with – cannabis. Hundreds of Israelis have been diagnosed with combat stress after performing their mandatory national service in the West Bank and Gaza Strip. The mental health department of the Israeli Medical Corps is set to begin tests using cannabis in the next few days on volunteers who are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. (So far 146,672 soldiers have volunteered.)
– Agence France-Presse

1. Keira Knightley
2. Jennifer Aniston
3. Halle Berry
– “New Woman” magazine poll


1962 [42] Michelle Yeoh (Yeoh Chu-Kheng), Ipoh, Malaysia, movie actress (“Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”, “Tomorrow Never Dies”)  UP NEXT: She’ll co-star with Gong Li & Zhang Ziyi in “Memoirs of a Geisha”, the long-awaited film by Steven Spielberg.

1970 [34] M Night (Manoj Nelliyattu) Shyamalan, Pondicherry, India, movie director (“The Village”, “The Sixth Sense”)/screenwriter (“Stuart Little”)

1960 [44] David Duchovny, NYC, movie actor (“Zoolander”)/ex-TV actor (“The X Files” 1993-2002)/Mr Tea Leoni since 1997  COMING UP: The movie sequel “The X Files 2″, scheduled to open in 2006.

1975 [29] Charlize Theron, Benoni, South Africa, movie actress (2004 Oscar-“Monster”, “The Italian Job”)

TODAY is “International Fresh Breath Day”. Ahem, I guess you didn’t hear me, [co-host]. I say today is “International Fresh Breath Day” …

TODAY is “Wiggle Your Toes Day” in celebration of “Foot Health Month”. Slippers are officially OK today!

TODAY is “Pamper Yourself Day”. If you were to be given any free luxury treatment you wanted, which would you pick? Massage? Steam room? Pedicure? Peanut butter bath?

TODAY we reach the “Halfway Point of Summer”, time to quit carping about the weather and savor the last few weeks of the season.

TODAY is “Hiroshima Peace Lantern Day”, when thousands worldwide float lanterns on water to commemorate the first use of the nuclear bomb. The annual “Peace Festival” at Peace Memorial Park in Hiroshima, Japan also commemorates the dropping of the 1st atomic bomb on Hiroshima by the ‘Enola Gay’ in 1945.

SATURDAY is “Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day”, to draw attention to the environmentally unfriendly practice of over-packaging consumer goods. Worst example? Pain killers?

SATURDAY night has been declared “National Date Night”, when couples are encouraged to try and revive the romantic spark in their relationships. It’s a promotional gimmick from the makers of K-Y lubricants, who are giving away a 2-hour dinner date with Trista & Ryan Sutter from “The Bachelorette”. (What’s second prize … an entire weekend?)

1926 [78] “Don Juan” becomes the first movie with sound (no dialogue, just music and SFX)

1961 [43] 1st case of ‘motion sickness’ in space (Russian Gherman Titov tosses his cookies)

1952 [52] 46-year-old Satchel Paige becomes oldest pitcher to complete MLB game

[Sat] National Mustard Day
[Sun] Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
[Sun] 2004 Pro Football Hall of Fame Enshrinement Ceremony
[Mon] International Art Appreciation Day
[Tues] Spoil Your Dog Day
[Wed] Dog Days of Summer end
[Wed] 2004 Teen Choice Awards
[Wed] “The Princess Diaries 2: The Royal Engagement” opens in movie theaters
This Week Is . . . Anesthetist Week (world’s most unpronounceable job!)
This Month Is . . . Home Business Month (“There’s no business like home business …”)


• Frog sushi isn’t all that good.
• Turtles can actually attack fairly fast if you keep annoying them with a paddle.
• You should never play a prank on a cabin full of Ninja wannabes.
• The secret route to the girls’ cabin … isn’t.
• It’s impossible to determine if Spider-Man could beat the Hulk in a fight.
• The water level of the lake rises whenever someone flushes the toilet.
• Trying to put a raccoon in a headlock isn’t as easy as it sounds.
• It doesn’t need to be either meat or loaf for the dining hall to call it ‘meatloaf’.

The week’s most searched Internet terms in Canada …
1. Britney Spears
2. Copa America
3. Kazaa
4. Paris Hilton
5. Tour de France
The week’s most searched Internet terms in America …
1. Maria Sharapova
2. Jennifer Lopez
3. Britney Spears
4. Lance Armstrong
5. Paris Hilton
– Yahoo!

The week’s most requested music files online …
1. D12  – “How Come”
2. Usher – “Confessions Part 2″
3. Lil’ Flip – “Sunshine”
4. Kevin Lyttle – “Turn Me On”
5. Britney Spears   – “Everytime”

• What do you get when cross a pirate and a pedophile? Arrrrrrr Kelly.
• If it can’t be fixed by duct tape or WD40, it’s a female issue.
• I was watching those female bodybuilders on the sports channel … they really confuse my pheremones.

Today’s Question: When we rent movies, THIS happens 11% of the time.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: We return them unwatched.

Never count your chickens before the cows come home.

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