Wednesday, August 4, 2004        Edition: #2837
Here’s More Bull Roar!

TODAY auditions for the next season of “American Idol” (coming in JANUARY) kick off in Cleveland, with the upper age limit now increased from 26 to 28 . . . Arnold Schwarzenegger has settled his lawsuit against a company that produces bobblehead dolls in his image – Ohio Discount Merchandise gets to keep making them provided the dolls no longer carry a gun and part of the $19.99 price tag goes to charity . . . “Shrek 2″ has passed “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace” as the 4th-highest grossing movie of all-time (now over $432 million in domestic box office) . . . “People” magazine reports “Survivor” buds Amber Brkich & Rob Mariano will NOT sign a prenup before they wed sometime before NEXT SUMMER (meaning if they divorce, they split their winnings 50/50) . . . Perhaps to make up for the writing, Pamela Anderson’s first ‘novel’ called “Star” features a nude fold-out of the author (she admits it took her just 1 month to write with the help of ghostwriter Eric Shaw Quinn) . . . Author JK Rowling is now planning an 8th ‘Harry Potter’ book, the “Harry Potter Encyclopedia”, featuring material edited from previous books, with all proceeds would go to charity (because after buying 5 castles, real estate can get boring) . . . Adam Sandler will sing Warren Zevon’s classic “Werewolves of London” on a tribute album to the late singer to be released in NOVEMBER, with other tracks by Bob Dylan, Jakob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen & Jackson Browne . . . And wait till you see THIS ‘finishing move’ – the next steamy video coming to the Internet will reportedly feature wrestler Chyna (aka Joanie Laurer) cavorting with her ex-fiancé, wrestler X-Pac (aka Sean Waltman).

• Kelly Clarkson – TODAY she’s on “Live With Regis & Kelly”.
• JoJo – She says she didn’t do well in school because she was always thinking about music, scribbling songs in her notebook when she should have been paying attention in math class.
• Rod Stewart – The 59-year-old is now reportedly less of a ‘wrinkle rocker’, having recently undergone a face-lift.
• Jessica Simpson – For the weekend date of her “Jessica Simpson Reality Tour” at LA’s 6,000-seat Universal Amphitheater, $50 tickets were cut to $20 prior to the show, then reduced again to … ‘Buy Three $20 Seats – Get One Free!’

We can only hope this catches on here – an increasing number of companies in New Zealand are turning to workplace massage to relieve employee stress and battle ‘Occupational Over-Use Syndrome’ (OOS). The service may be either paid for by the employer, subsidized, or the staff pays for it, but it is always administered on company time. Typically, a 10-minute massage costs whoever ends up paying about $120. (We wonder – what perk do masseuses get on the job?)
– “New Zealand Herald”

In Britain, a million-pound underground economy is growing through the sophisticated use of Internet sabotage involving extortion, blackmail and fraud. Services available include sending a million e-mails to an enemy (£50), hijacking users’ Internet browsers to display a pornography site (£200), and  a full-blown assault on a Website (£8,000-12,000).
– “The Independent”

New lingo for the 21st century …
• ‘Manscaping’ – The removal of male body hair by electrolysis, laser or other methods. (Such as cranial fall-out?)
• ‘Odortype’ – The genetically determined smell that is unique to each person. The US Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is looking to develop a security machine that can detect individuals by their body odor. (“Which reminds me, [next jock] has apparently arrived for his shift later this morning …”)
• ‘Furkid’ – A pet that’s treated as if it was a child by its ‘animal guardian’. (“We decided not to invite Amy for lunch because she lugs her snarly little furkid Chihuahua around with her wherever she goes.”)
• New terms added in this year’s update to the “Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary” include ‘MP3′ (audio file format), ‘DSL’ (Digital Subscriber Line), ‘pleather’ (fake leather), ‘teensploitation’ (exploitation of teens by the producers of teen-oriented movies) and ‘IT’ (Information Technology).

• A 26-year-old protestor will face a mischief charge after halting work at a Montréal construction site by spending a night and a day on top of a crane. The reason for the demonstration? He was demanding money for his education. (Give me money and I’ll learn to act less stupid!)
• A jeweler in the United Arab Emirate of Bahrain claims he was robbed of cash after being hypnotized by 3 mysterious women. The 46-year-old says he was counting out change when the women began making ‘strange actions with their hands’. He claims he can’t remember what happened next, but later discovered he was out a wack of cash. (Apparently ‘strange hand actions’ are going for about 500 smackers these days.)
• Facing what it says could be budget deficit of more than $1 billion in coming years, NYC’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority is exploring the idea of selling naming rights to its subway stations, bus lines, bridges and tunnels. (Count Basie’s “Take the A Train” will be re-titled “Take the Immodium Special”.)
• A dock worker in Thailand has cut off his own pe*nis. 29-year-old Po Dong performed the self-surgery after his wife refused to have se*x with him and he drank himself into a rage. (He’ll now legally change his name to ‘No Dong’.)
• A retail chain in the Czech Republic has scrapped a plan that would have required female cashiers to wear red headbands – on days they had their ‘little friend’. The idiotic idea was hatched by male bosses to identify women who might need to use the washroom more often. (How pointless – ALL women need to use the washroom more often.)
• The New Zealand government has just published a new 100-page “Occupational Safety & Health Guide for Se*x Workers”. It’s being given out at brothels and includes advice on safe se*x, how to use and disinfect se*x toys, and also lists mattresses that provide good back support. (There’s apparently an entire chapter on ‘helmet use’.)
• A 71-year-old woman in Mulheim, Germany called cops to say she couldn’t sleep because of a horribly loud noise. When officers arrived, they found the racket was coming from – her own radio. (Later she called to complain about the graffiti she’d painted on her fence.)
• Officials in Boston MA have just approved special license plates with the famous ‘smiley face’ design on them in an attempt to help ‘eliminate road rage for all time’. (Geez, why not just paint a target on your bumper?)
• A 7-year-old drug-sniffing Springer Spaniel has died of – an overdose. ‘Todd’ was employed by British police to search for drugs and apparently succumbed to ingested amphetamines. (His owners found a secret stash of bills in his doghouse.)
• An 83-year-old retired academic in Japan has been arrested for attempted murder. Police say the geezer prof was working in his garden when he was approached by a pair of sewage-drain salesmen. He promptly went into his house, returned with a samurai sword and proceeded to stab one sales rep in the buttocks. (Geez, can you rent this guy’s services?)

• Triathlon is one of several Olympic sports for which alcohol is a banned substance. Even after their races are over, triathlon competitors risk a doping violation and the stripping of medals if they are caught with traces of alcohol in their bodies.
• We ingest around 50 MILLION bacteria every day. Dr Gregor Reid of the University of Western Ontario has found the average person has 10 times more bacteria in them than human cells.
• We’re a self-centered lot – a new MSN poll finds 39% of us have looked up our own names on the Internet.


1944 [60] Richard Belzer, Bridgeport CT, TV actor (‘Detective John Munch’ on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” since 1999)

1955 [49] Billy Bob Thornton, Hot Springs AR, movie actor/director/writer (“Bad Santa”, 1997 Oscar-“Sling Blade”)/ex-Mr Angelina Jolie

1962 [42] Roger (‘The Rocket‘) Clemens, Dayton OH, MLB pitcher (Houston Astros, ex-NY Yankees, Toronto, Boston) with 6 Cy Young Awards

1971 [33] Jeff Gordon, Vallejo CA, auto racer (4 NASCAR Championships)

[USA] Coast Guard Day (1790)

TODAY (the first Wednesday in August) is the 186th annual “Royal St John’s Regatta” at Quidi Vidi Lake, North America’s oldest continuing sporting event. It began officially in 1818 and is the only Municipal Holiday in Canada that is dependent on the weather. If it is raining or too windy, the holiday is simply put off until the next suitable day. You have to listen to the radio to find out if you get the day off!
PHONER: 709.576.8921 (Quidi Vidi Lake Hotline)

FRIDAY-August 15th the 15th annual “World Freefall Convention” drops onto Quincy IL, when skydivers from around-the-world gather to jump out of anything that flies.
PHONER: 217.222.5867 (Don Kirlin)

FRIDAY is “National Fresh Breath Day”, a gentle reminder for [your co-host]. Ask listeners for old folk remedies for bad breath like chewing cloves or scraping your tongue with a spoon. Carol Meyer is a ‘Professional Breath Consultant’. Among her tips for keeping your breath livable for others – brush not only your teeth but cheeks & gums with a chlorine dioxide toothpaste, comb your tongue, use a hydromagnetic irrigator and avoid alcoholic or caffeinated drinks as they dry out your mouth.
PHONER: 516.288.7285 (Manhasset NY)

THIS WEEK is “National Smile Week”, another observance of the Society of the Obnoxiously Happy & Overly Optimistic who remind you to count the number of times you smile today and to try smiling at a passerby (then watch them run away really quickly).

    1777 [227] 1st ‘circus’ is established by former British cavalry officer Philip Astley (have you noticed trainers now refer to animal ‘tricks’ as ‘behaviors’ – as if elephants regularly dance on 2 legs in the wild)

1990 [14] Mariah Carey’s debut single “Vision Of Love” hits #1 on pop charts

1693 [311] 1st ‘champagne’ is developed by Dom Perignon of France (the man who caused a billion headaches!)

1998 [06] 1st consumer ‘HDTV’ television sets go on sale (MSRP $5,500!)

[Fri]  Wiggle Your Toes Day
[Fri] Billboard R&B/Hip-Hop Awards (Miami)
[Sat] Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day
[Sat] National Mustard Day
[Sun] Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
[Sun] 2004 Pro Football Hall of Fame Enshrinement Ceremony
This Week Is . . . World Breastfeeding Week
This Month Is . . . Water Quality Month


• Healthy junk food.
• Decision Test Dummies.
• A mute button for your mom.
• The Female-to-English Dictionary.
• Elimination of fine print.
• Grass that grows exactly 2-inches-long.
• A bigger bladder.
(Ask listeners to contribute more!)

We give you the Hollywood star, you name the religion or cult they’re associated with …
GAME #1 –
• Paris Hilton [Kabbalah]
• Juliette Lewis [Scientology]
• Steven Seagal [Tibetan Buddhism]
• Britney Spears [Kabbalah]
• John Travolta [Scientology]
• Ashton Kutcher [Kabbalah]
• Jennifer Lopez [Santeria]

GAME #2 –
• Lisa Marie Presley [Scientology]
• Demi Moore [Kabbalah]
• Tom Cruise [Scientology]
• Wynona Ryder [Kabbalah]
• Kirstie Alley [Scientology]
• Madonna [Kabbalah]
• Tina Turner [Tibetan Buddhism]

• Nutrients aren’t that bad … as long as they’re covered in chocolate.
• I just can’t wait to learn patience.

Today’s Question: 85% of us who have one of THESE never actually uses it.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A piano.

If you are happy then you are successful.

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