Tuesday, August 3, 2004        Edition: #2836
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure “BS”!

In its 8th annual rankings, family watchdog group the Parents Television Council has picked “Joan of Arcadia “ as the best show on TV for family viewing and “Everwood” as the worst . . . Disney is developing a musical version of “Spellbound”, about kids competing in the National Spelling Bee (imagine the show-stopping numbers in that production!) . . . “American Idol” reject William Hung (“She Bangs”) is not only making a Christmas album but also acting in a Chinese movie (the guy’s a true renaissance man!) . . . Bill Clinton has been offered a gig as guest host on NBC-TV’s “Saturday Night Live” in the upcoming season . . . France’s revenue agency FISC is pursuing actress Drew Barrymore for failing to pay close to $1 million in back taxes after making the movie “Ever After” in France in 1998 . . .  “Company” magazine’s annual ‘100 Sexiest Men’ poll is topped by Brad Pitt, who narrowly beat out Orlando Bloom . . . “X-Men” star Hugh Jackman is looking to branch out into the music world – he’s currently working on a jazz-themed album with the help of musician Richard Marx.

• Bowling For Soup – The “1985″ band’s name is a takeoff of Steve Martin’s ‘Bowling for Sh-t’ routine on his 1979 classic comedy album “Wild and Crazy Guy”.
• Trent Willmon – The “Dixie Rose Deluxe” singer-songwriter also owns his own catering company, works with leather, trains horses, and built his own guitar.
• Christina Aguilera – She met with the producers of an upcoming remake of “Valley of the Dolls” about appearing in the movie but will reportedly concentrate on a new album instead.
• Sugarland – The group is made up of 3 of Atlanta’s best-known singer-songwriters: Jennifer Nettles, Kristen Hall & Kristian Bush.
• Sheryl Crow – She reportedly bought all 10 members of the US Tour de France team Tumi leather travel kits while she was in Paris to cheer on boyfriend Lance Armstrong.

• “13 Going on 30″ (Romantic Comedy – DVD): A 13-year-old girl has her wish to be a grown-up come true as she suddenly becomes 30-years-old. What’s more, she’s a gorgeous successful woman (Jennifer Garner) with a great job and a fabulous NYC apartment. The only hitch? Her teenage crush (Mark Ruffalo) is engaged to be married to someone else.
• “Hidalgo” (Action Adventure – DVD/VHS): Based on the incredible true story of Frank T Hopkins, Viggo Mortensen stars as an adventurer who, with his horse ‘Hidalgo’, competes in the legendary ‘Ocean of Fire’, a grueling 3,000-mile race across the Arabian Desert.

California inventor Robert Barrows has applied for a patent for a video-equipped tombstone which will allow the dead to get the last word. The deluxe headstone is fitted with a flat LCD touch screen and a hard drive or microchip which allows one final message to be delivered by the recently departed. If the patent is approved, Barrows hopes to create ever more elaborate final resting places at ever-increasing costs. Why? Cemeteries are places where people try to outdo each other, and display their wealth and power.
– “New Scientist”

With the Olympic Games just 10 days away, the debate about whether or not athletes should have se*x before competition is heating up again. Most coaches still frown on se*xual activity before competition because it’s thought to reduce athletes’ focus, if not their strength. However, physicians at a Jerusalem clinic have actually advised female Israeli team members to have se*x before events because, they claim, women compete better after org*asm, especially high-jumpers and runners. A German team physician is also on the pro side as is a Russian psychologist who claims more se*x simply means more gold. The debate is probably meaningless, as many athletes have described the Olympic Village as a 2-week hedonist resort full of people who are in shape and whose hormones are raging. Bottom line – everybody’s attracted to everybody!
– “The Scotsman”

Snapshots of who we are and what we think …
• 70% of employees think their boss is trustworthy.
• 70% of all medical emergencies during vacations are heart attacks.
• 63% of women still think taking the husband’s surname after marriage is preferable.
• 20% of us never, ever use mouthwash.
• 18% of us say that if there was a magic pill to help us see into the future, we’d take it.
• 17% of German adults believe the whole point of drinking is to get drunk.

So far, computer chips have been implanted into pets in order to help locate them if they get lost; then paranoid rich folks began implanting microchips in their kids in case they went missing or were kidnaped. LAST YEAR VeriChip rolled out the ‘Chipmobile’ which has been touring the southern US micro-chipping seniors with implants which carry their medical records. And now, Mexico’s Attorney General Rafael Macedo says he’s received a non-removable microchip in his arm in order to give him secure and exclusive access to a new computerized crime database and also to help find him if he is ever abducted. Macedo says as many as 160 Mexican government employees will also receive implants in the near future.

University of Durham scientists have developed a revolutionary nanometer-thick coating that will waterproof almost anything. The invisible coating was first developed to protect military uniforms against chemical and biological warfare. Said to be 3 times more water repellent than Teflon, it may radically change sportswear, clothing, mobile phones and medical devices. UK-based P2i Limited is set to make and market the product to coat textiles, plastics, glass, metal and wood.
– PA News

Vonda Mallery, author of the new book “Clueless: Get Anything You Want From Your Man” advises you forget about trying to make your man listen to what you’re saying. Instead, use his inattentiveness to your own advantage to get what your want. Some of her tips …
• Make your move when he’s most distracted. You’re all but guaranteed to get a ‘Yes’ near the end of a big game on TV or the beginning of a lovemaking session.
• Leave your big clothing purchases in the car until he’s gone to work. If he doesn’t actually see you bringing the $200 shoes into the house, he’ll be none the wiser.
• Stick your new outfit in the closet for at least 3 days. If, when you finally wear it, a miracle occurs and he asks if it’s new, you can honestly say, “Why, I just pulled it out of the back of my closet.” Then give him a dirty look for being so out of touch.
• If you need his signature on a loan form, mix the papers with something harmless like notes from your child’s school. By the time he gets to the important stuff, the commercials will be over and he’ll want to get back to the big game.
– “Weekly World News”

About 500 years ago, humans spoke some 13,000 languages. Within a few centuries, there could be as few as 500.
– “Philadelphia Inquirer”

If you want creative workers, give them enough time to play.
– Former “Monty Python” comic, movie actor & motivational speaker John Cleese.


1926 [78] Tony Bennett (Bennedetto), Astoria NY, pop/jazz singer (“I Left My Heart in San Francisco”)

1940 [64] Martin Sheen (Ramon Estevez), Dayton OH, TV actor (‘President Josiah Bartlet’ on “The West Wing” since 1999)/father of actors Charlie Sheen & Emilio Estevez

1941 [63] Martha Stewart, Jersey City NJ, TV host/author (“Martha Stewart Living”) convicted of obstructing justice & lying to investigators

1963 [41] James Hetfield, LA CA, heavy metal singer/guitarist (Metallica-“St Anger” “Enter Sandman”)

1966 [38] Dean Sams, Garland TX, country singer/keyboardist (Lonestar-“Mr Mom”, “Amazed”)

1977 [27] Tom Brady, San Mateo CA, NFL QB (New England Patriots)/2002 & 2004 Super Bowl winner)

TODAY is “Watermelon Day”, celebrating the summer treat that’s part of the pumpkin, squash & gourd family. Watermelons originated in Africa, then spread to Egypt, India, China and eventually around-the-world. On July 24th, a Nevada couple won the first watermelon-eating contest to be sanctioned by the International Federation of Competitive Eating. Rich LeFevre won the title of ‘World Watermelon Eating Champion’ by putting down 11.22 lbs in 15 minutes at the “Swellin’ with Melon” contest in Brookville OH. His wife Carlene took 2nd place with 9.78 lbs. The good news about watermelon – only 40 calories per cup and lots of vitamin C! (Plus lots of seeds to twap at your little sister.)

TONIGHT is the 21st “National Night Out”, a unique crime & drug prevention event sponsored by the National Association of Town Watch (NATW). Cities, towns and neighborhoods are encouraged to participate by turning on outdoor lights, staging front porch vigils, and organizing flashlight walks.
NET: http://www.nationaltownwatch.org/nno

TODAY is “National Park Day”, perhaps the reason the National Park Service chose TODAY as the day for the grand re-opening of NYC’s Statue of Liberty. In addition to once again climbing to the statue’s original torch and viewing panoramic views from the observation deck, visitors will now get a unique new view inside the statue through a glass ceiling.
NET: http://www.folgers.com/liberty/press_release.shtml

TOMORROW the “Miss Crustacean USA” pageant creeps into Ocean City NJ, an annual competition where judges try to find the sexiest hermit crab (“Geez, look at the feelers on that baby!”). The winner parades the stage to the strains of “Here she comes, Miss Crustacean . . .”
PHONER: 800-BEACHNJ/ 609-525-9300 (Community Services)

THURSDAY-August 15th some of the world’s best street performers show their stuff at the annual “International Busker Festival” in Halifax NS. Each year hundreds of performers apply, but only the top 25-30 acts are accepted. Ask about some of the more unusual.
PHONER: 866.773.0655/902.429.3910
NET: http://www.buskers.ca

1975 [29] Home version of pioneering video game ‘Pong’ released by Atari Corp
Pong SFX here: http://www.tintagel.net/resources/Multimedia/Audio/Beeps

1996 [08] Los Del Rio’s infamous “Macarena” hits #1 after a record 33 weeks on singles charts

1999 [05] Santana releases Grammy-winning comeback single, “Smooth”

1933 [71] 1st ‘Mickey Mouse Watch’ ($2.75)

1949 [55] Basketball Association of America & National Basketball League merge to form ‘NBA’

1983 [21] John Sain builds 3.91 meter-high (12-ft) house of cards (South Bend IN)

[Wed] US Coast Guard Day
[Fri] Fresh Breath Day
[Fri] Pamper Yourself Day
[Fri] “Collateral” and “Little Black Book” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Billboard R&B/Hip-Hop Awards (Miami)
[Sat] National Date Night
[Sun] 2004 Pro Football Hall of Fame Enshrinement Ceremony
This Week Is . . . World Breastfeeding Week
This Month Is . . . Win With Civility Month


• “She has no fever or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”
• “Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”
• “The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”
• “The patient refused autopsy.”
• “The patient has no previous history of suicides.”
• “She is numb from her toes down.”
• “Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.”
• “Skin: somewhat pale but present.”
• “Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.”
• “Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.”

• If you had to be handcuffed to someone for 24 hours, who would you choose?
• What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done while drinking?
• What’s the weirdest thing your kid has swallowed?

• Why are tattoos usually blue?
a. They first became popular with sailors who wanted them to match their navy uniforms.
b. The thousands of little pinpricks required to make them cause arteries to become more visible.
c. They aren’t. Standard tattoo ink is black but appears blue against our yellowish or brownish skin. [CORRECT]

• What’s the difference between ‘jams’ and ‘jellies’?
a. Jams are made from crushed fruit and have rougher texture. Jellies are strained and therefore smoother. [CORRECT]
b. There is no difference. They are simply two words that mean the same thing.
c. Jams are more often made from red fruits, jellies from purple.

• Why are hot dog buns from the same package sliced on different sides?
a. To cater to both right-handed and left-handed consumers. 
b. They are placed side-by-side in pairs when they pass through slicing machines. [CORRECT]
c. Some of the buns end up in packages upside-down.
– “Imponderables”

• We say children have a lot to learn, but they’re the ones playing outside.
• If you want tighter abs, just laugh all the time.
• Catholics can do anything they want so long as they feel guilty afterward.
• It’s strange to live in a world where everyone is hoping to get hit by a well-insured vehicle.

Today’s Question: According to teens, moms rate far better than dads in THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Fashion sense.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

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