Thursday, August 21, 2003        Edition: #2606
The Sheet Hits the Fans!

TODAY the cast of the 1978 gross-out comedy “Animal House” attends a reunion in Hollywood that will feature a food fight and ‘Deathmobile’ replica, all to hype the release of a new “Special 25th Anniversary Edition” DVD of the movie . . . It’s been announced that anyone who contributes more than $5,000 to porn actress Mary Carey’s campaign for California governor will be eligible for ‘a date’ with the candidate (cool, most politicians wait until after the election to screw you) . . . London’s Madame Tussaud’s has unveiled a new wax model of “American Idol” (and UK “Pop Idol”) judge Simon Cowell that’s interactive, offering putdowns & one-liners to visitors who sing to it (ie: “That was extraordinary. Unfortunately, extraordinarily bad!”) . . . Meantime, word is co-judges Paula Abdul & Randy Jackson are threatening to leave “American Idol” if they don’t get a salary bump to $1.5 million, about 40 grand per episode (they currently get $15,000 a show, ONE-TENTH of what Simon Cowell gets) . . . Enrique Iglesias has revealed he had his trademark mole removed a few months ago after a doctor told him it might eventually turn cancerous (it was already hideous) . . . Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston have finally moved into the $16-million Beverly Hills dream home they bought 2 years ago, which boasts 6 bedrooms and – rumor rumor! – a gigantic children’s playroom . . . It looks like Beyonce Knowles & Jay-Z really are “Crazy in Love” – they’ve been spotted vacationing in St Tropez on the French Riviera . . . That’s also where P Diddy just finished a summer of wild partying aboard the leased yacht ‘Southern Cross’, which the owners say was so trashed by Diddy & his posse they asked him to disembark early and told him they’ll never charter their craft to him again . . . Lisa Marie Presley has reportedly turned down the chance to sing a duet with pop Elvis through the use of digital editing, saying “It would just be too weird” . . . And sometime actress Carmen Electra tells “FHM” magazine that she thinks about sex at least once – every 20 seconds (well it’s not like she has a helluva lot else to do).

A sequel to the Eddie Murphy comedy “Daddy Day Care” is in the works, to be called “Daddy Day Camp” (which leads to the question – why?) . . . “Intuition” singer Jewel will make her first movie appearance since her bigscreen debut in Ang Lee’s 1999 film “Ride With the Devil” in the upcoming indie drama “Wave” . . . He said he wanted it and now Johnny Depp has reportedly been offered the role of ‘Willy Wonka’ in director Tim Burton’s upcoming remake of “Charlie & the Chocolate Factory” . . . Word is the highlight of “The Matrix Revolutions” (the 3rd and final part of the movie trilogy that’s opening NOVEMBER 5th) is a 17-minute battle on the scorched earth of the nuclear-ravaged world, a segment that cost over $60 million – or about two-thirds of the budget of the first “Matrix” movie.

5 years ago, when summer movies were arguably just as bad as they are now, the average audience drop-off between a film’s opening weekend and its 2nd weekend was 40%. THIS SUMMER the drop-off has averaged 51%. Movie honchos are saying the problem is teenagers instant-messaging their friends with their opinion on new movies, sometimes while they’re still sitting in the theater watching. These instant critiques are supposedly what’s negating Hollywood’s carefully crafted movie marketing campaigns. (Or, heaven forbid, might it just be really lame movies?)

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say … ‘beer goggles’ actually exist! Researchers in Scotland claim they’ve now proven that people who drink a moderate amount of alcohol find the opposite sex 25% more attractive. (They also discovered there may be a link between matches and fire.)
• Scientists say … a big allowance leads to drug abuse! A new study by the National Center on Addiction & Substance Abuse shows that teens with over $25 a week in spending money are twice as likely as teens with less to smoke, drink and use illegal drugs. (Well, there goes your argument for Junior to ‘get a job’.)
• Scientists say … ‘old person smell’ is a good thing! Newcastle, England researcher Clive Ballard has found that certain odors help make seniors less cranky and agitated. The scent of lemon balm, for instance, has effects on the parts of the brain that deal with memory and behavior. (Unfortunately, that’s not the ‘bomb’ odor old Uncle Al keeps dropping.)
• Scientists say … ‘synthetic cannabis’ is good for Alzheimer’s patients. Dr Joshua Shua-Haim of New Jersey’s Meridian Institute for Aging says the compound dronabinol appears to reduce agitation and improve the appetite of patients – by giving them the ‘munchies’. (Trouble is, they just won’t stop giggling.)

More than two-thirds of American adults and half of those in Canada are now considered overweight, and increasing numbers of children have been diagnosed as obese. So now the makers of bathroom scales are adjusting their devices for – bigger numbers. The industry standard was a top reading of 300 lbs (136 kg) but ‘Health-O-Meter’ and other manufacturers are introducing new scales with a capacity up to 400 pounds (181 kg). (Also can be used to determine oversize loads for your 18-wheeler.)

After years of making fun of Canadian bills as being “Monopoly” money, Americans are about to see their ‘greenbacks’ turning colors too. Beginning in OCTOBER the most counterfeited US note, the $20-bill, will feature a blue eagle and peach hues beside President Andrew Jackson’s face, and the number ‘20′ will change from copper to green when shifted in the light. The back of the bill will be mostly green with dozens of tiny yellow ‘20s’ floating in the margins.

What is likely the world’s first baby conceived from sperm bought over the Internet has been born to an anonymous married, heterosexual couple in southeast England. The birth was announced by the Website which says the healthy 10 lb-2 oz boy was born in the past week. The Website was originally set up to cater to lesbian and single women wanting children.

• Inventor Bob Del Principe has developed the first doll that not only talks, but is able to read, tell the time, and do math. ‘Cindy Smart’ can read words from flash cards and even do negative arithmetic problems such as 3 minus 8. One thing she won’t do, however, is read anything racy. Swear words will draw the response, “That’s a bad word. We don’t say those kind of words.” (Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to have another kid?)
• Too late for the recent blackout in Eastern North America but a company called ‘Light for Health’ is developing a fluorescent tube that will glow for 24 hours during a power cut. After being charged up for at least 15 minutes, the 4-ft tubes will keep burning at 80% capacity for 2 hours, then gradually dim over the next 22 hours. (Unfortunately, the place most likely to have fluorescent fixtures using 4-ft tubes is – your workplace.)

• 14 people have managed to squeeze themselves into a phone booth in Edinburgh, Scotland to set a new world record. The old record of 12 was set back in 1997. (Our question is – where the heck did they find a phone booth these days?)
• For years they held a ‘Cockroach Derby’ but TODAY the 56th Pest Management Association Educational Clinic in New Brunswick NJ has a new treat in store – ‘cricket spitting’. Contestants will attempt to break world records set at Purdue University’s 2002 “Bug Bowl” – just under 38 ft for men and a little over 28 ft for women. If cramming a gooey brown house cricket into your mouth doesn’t make you gag, consider the fact that official rules state no part of the cricket may be visible before the attempted ‘spit’. (Didn’t we see this on “Fear Factor”?)


1938 [65] Kenny Rogers, Houston TX, country singer (“Lucille”, “Coward of the County”)/Diamond Award for sales of more than 10 million copies of his “Greatest Hits” album/former TV-movie actor (“The Gambler I-VI”)

1949 [54] Loretta Devine, Houston TX, TV actress (Marla Hendricks-“Boston Public” since 2000)

1956 [47] Kim Cattrall, Liverpool UK [raised Vancouver Island], TV actress (Samantha Jones-“Sex & The City” since 1998)/once dated PM Pierre Trudeau

1967 [36] Carrie-Anne Moss, Vancouver BC, movie actress (Trinity-“The Matrix” 1-3, “Chocolat”)

TODAY is “National Spumoni Day”, honoring the pistachio ice cream filled with dried fruits and nuts. The original Italian Spumoni is a molded dessert made by layering 2 or 3 different flavors of ice cream with a layer of sweetened whipped cream which has nuts and candied fruit folded in. (Yummers!)

TODAY is “National Forgiveness Day”, a day to forgive spouses, children, family, friends, neighbors & enemies, even if you don’t tell them. It’s also a day to forgive … yourself.

The “57th Little League Baseball World Series” is up to bat THIS WEEK in South Williamsport PA where some 100,000 are watching US and international teams battle to make the championship game SUNDAY.
PHONER: 570-326-1921 (Little League Baseball Headquarters)

TOMORROW is the 11th annual “Be An Angel Day”, a day to do ‘one small act of service for someone’. It’s a good excuse to send your stunt flunky out to perform random acts of kindness like buying people’s gas or groceries, paying parking tickets, washing windshields, etc.

1841 [162] 1st ‘venetian blinds’ (later that night, the 1st ‘peeping Tom’)

1933 [70] 1st MLB ‘All-Star Game’ (Babe Ruth’s HR leads AL to 4-2 win)

1973 [30] 1st house made totally of recycled material (Richmond VA)

1986 [17] Colin Watson & Andre Douglas set the ‘world hairdressing record’ in Northcliff, South Africa by cutting, setting & styling hair continuously for 408 hours … or 17 days!

[Fri] Tooth Fairy Day
[Sun] Single Parent Family Day
[Sun] “Six Feet Under” debuts on Showcase
[Mon] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Tues] Make Your Own Luck Day
This Week Is . . . Freedom of Enterprise Week
This Month Is . . . Back-To-School Month

• Whyzit called ‘New’ Zealand. Just where the heck is ‘Old’ Zealand?
• Whyzit we demand speed limits to curb fast driving but would never consider buying a car that can’t go over 100 mph?
• Whyzit when the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on-time?
• Whyzit when women hold off from marrying it’s called ‘independence’ but when men hold off from marrying it’s called ‘fear of commitment’?
• Whyzit we think rabbits feet are so lucky? After all, what happened to the rabbit?

Q: The old adage crime doesn’t pay isn’t always true. So what’s the world’s top-paying crime?
A: According to Interpol, the top 3 are drug trafficking, weapons trafficking, and art theft.

Q: What’s the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh?
A: Lettuce.

Q: What single letter can be added to the words ‘flaming’, ‘hell’ and ‘limb’ to create totally different words?
A: The letter ‘o’, creating ‘flamingo’, ‘hello’ and ‘limbo’.

• The biggest selling books are cookbooks, the 2nd-biggest sellers are diet books. No wonder we’re confused!
• Actually I get all my material from an old guy who goes door-to-door selling knock-knock jokes.
• Our office is now totally smoke-free. They shot the last smoker yesterday.
• I’m not really with it this morning. I think I just put Parmesan cheese in my coffee.

Today’s Question: According to a recent scientific study, men’s pupils grow by 30% when they see 2 things. What are they?
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Naked women and sharks.

Forget the Joneses … I can’t keep up with “The Simpsons”!

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