Wednesday, August 20, 2003        Edition: #2605
There’s a Difference Between Sheet and Crapola!

Despite her public show of forgiveness, word is J-Lo is refusing to let Ben Affleck back in their shared LA mansion after his episode with Vancouver strippers (hell hath no fury …) . . . Nicole Kidman says she’s more concerned with finding a good father for her 2 children than a passionate lover for herself (yeah right, we’ll no doubt see her dating some fat, balding dude who enjoys finger painting) . . . 27-year-old “American Pie” star Tara Reid says she’s rarely approached by men since busting off her engagement with MTV’s Carson Daly, and would love a real date because she’s ‘not having regular sex right now’ (‘regular’ sex is so boring, isn’t it?) . . . Meow! Britney Spears has been spotted out & about with actor Jared Leto, who just happens to be the former fiancé of Cameron Diaz (the shameless hussy who stole Justin!) . . . Meantime, Timberlake is said to be considering a deal with McDonald’s that could have him providing background vocals for an ad campaign jingle (“I just wanna a french fry baby!”) . . . Reese Witherspoon tells “Now” magazine her beauty secret is to wear lots of sunscreen, drink a lot of water – and hire a really great make-up artist (and/or plastic surgeon) . . . Kelly Osbourne’s new boyfriend is described by gawkers as ‘very unattractive, much older than her, bald-headed and covered in tattoos’ (well look at her – she ain’t exactly a ‘catch’ either!).

• ‘YOYO’ [You’re On Your Own] – Originated in text messaging and chat rooms but it’s increasingly slipping into daily business discourse. (“Go ahead and call another meeting if you want, but it’ll be YOYO.”)
• ‘Open Issues List’ [OIL] – A favorite of consultants, it’s simply a list of issues that need to be resolved in order to complete a project. (“We can finish this project quickly if we just apply OIL.”)
• ‘Action Sports’ – The current name for ‘alternative’ or ‘extreme’ sports, according to “LA Daily News”.
• ‘Personal Coordinates’ – The trendy new term for a person’s contact info, ie: name, address, phone number, e-mail, etc. (“Please leave your personal coordinates at the tone.”)

TODAY at a conference in Paris, sports reps from Norway and several other northern European countries will propose that all athletics records set before 2000 be stricken from the books. Why? It’s contended that records set in the ‘80s and ‘90s are impossible to beat because they were set by doped athletes. The proposal will be put forward to a congress of the IAAF (International Association of Athletics Federations). It was already rejected once, in 1999. (If they buy into this time, the new high jump record will be – 2 feet!)

The new edition of the “Journal of Consciousness Studies” features analysis of 40 years of research that began in London in 1958 on the validity of astrology. Experts say this most thorough scientific study ever made on the subject confirms what most of us already thought – astrology is a load of hooey. (Now about the Easter Bunny …)

China is deploying eagles to control giant gerbils that have damaged an area of grassland larger than Switzerland. “China Daily” reports that burrowing by the great gerbils, which grow up to 16 inches long, has damaged over 11 million acres of grassland. “It has been the most severe rodent disaster since 1993,” says Xiong Ling of the state Headquarters for the Control of Locusts & Rodents. (Also known as the ‘Exotic Pet Export Council’.)

THIS WEEK an early childhood education center called Creme de la Creme opens in Chicago which boasts it will teach 4-year-olds to produce their own TV shows in an interactive studio.  The center calls it a ‘unique approach to child development’. (From the looks of the upcoming fall season on TV, their graduates are already working at networks.)

Hood College in Frederick, Maryland has a treat for cash-strapped descendants of alumni this fall. They’re allowing them to pay the same tuition their grandparents paid when they attended. For 18-year-old Rebecca Dupont, that means paying $325 instead of $19,940, the same amount her grandma paid in 1948. The college says it’s a payback to alumni. (Thanks to my grandpa, I got cheap tuition at the school of hard knocks.)

In an attempt to entice more people to get active, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention has loosened its definition of ‘exercise’ to include a more comprehensive picture of our daily lifestyles. Some of our activities now considered to be at least a step in the right direction toward exercise – playing video games, coloring, making photocopies, sitting in a whirlpool and – purposeless wandering. (Hey, you forgot ‘sitting up’.)

• To cut costs, Sweden’s armed forces will operate only during office hours for the rest of the year. (So please plan to stage any invasions between 9 and 5.)
• A 50-year-old German woman says she still loves her 26-year-old boyfriend – even though he bit her nose off. Although she’s suffered through 6 operations to build a synthetic nose, she told a judge, “I still love this man. He was just drunk.” (Also half her age and full of ‘spunk’.)
• Blonde jokes will soon be made illegal in Bosnia under a new law that will enable women to sue people who make jokes about their hair color. (OK, guess it’s back to fat lady with mustache jokes.)
• British Rail staff will soon be carrying DNA testing kits to combat the rise in – spitting assaults. Samples will be compared with the national DNA database to see if they match a previous offender. (Let’s get this straight … they can’t find terrorists but they’re gonna nail spitters?)

According to an Internet survey, 19% of parents with a child under age 5 NEVER go out together without their kids because they don’t trust babysitters. (What I hate most about babysitters is when they call the restaurant and ask where you keep the fire extinguisher.)


1946 [57] Connie Chung, Washington DC, unemployed news anchor who’s burned her way through NBC, CBS & CNN/Mrs Maury Povich since 1984

1948 [55] Robert Plant, West Bromwich ENG, classic rock singer (“29 Palms”, Honeydrippers-“Sea of Love”, Led Zeppelin-“Stairway to Heaven”)

1954 [49] Al Roker, Queens NY, TV weatherman (“The Today Show” since 1996)

1962 [41] James Marsters, Greenville CA, TV actor (Spike-“Angel”, Spike-“Buffy the Vampire Slayer” 1997-2003)

1970 [33] Fred Durst, Gastonia NC, rock singer (Limp Bizkit-“My Way”)/movie soundtrack artist (“The Fast & the Furious”, “Mission: Impossible 2”)  FACTOID: Now touring with Metallica and Linkin Park as part of the “Summer Sanitarium Tour 2003″ during which he was booed off the stage in Chicago.

TODAY is “National Radio Day”, for no apparent reason other than someone penciled it in on a calendar years ago. To celebrate, all on-air personalities get a hefty raise, free lunch and a magnum of Champagne. (In your dreams!)

TODAY is the “Moon’s Birthday”, according to the ancient Aztecs. (The Aztecs had pants?)

TODAY is “National Stop & Smell Your Dog Day”. (And possibly ‘Give Your Dog a Bath Day’.)

1896 [107] 1st ‘dial telephone’ (explain what that is to your kids)

1920 [83] 1st NFL organizational meeting (Ralph Hay’s Hupmobile Agency-Canton OH)

1983 [20] 1st person killed by a ‘waterbed’

1993 [10] ‘Canadian Motorsports Hall of Fame’ opens at Toronto’s Exhibition Place

1998 [05] 1st MLB player to hit 50 home runs in 3 consecutive seasons (St Louis Cardinal Mark McGwire, on way to setting all-time season record of 70)

2000 [03] Tiger Woods wins golf’s 82nd PGA Championship in Louisville KY, becoming first to win back-to-back PGAs since Denny Shute in 1936-37, and tying Ben Hogan’s 1953 record of winning 3 majors in a year

[Thurs] National Spumoni Day
[Fri] Tooth Fairy Day
[Sun] Single Parent Family Day
[Mon] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Tues] Women’s Equality Day
This Week Is . . . Truck Driver’s Appreciation Week
This Month Is . . . Foot Health Month


Are you lonely? Don’t like working on your own? Hate making decisions? Then call a meeting! You can see people, draw flow charts, feel important, form subcommittees, impress your colleagues, and make meaningless recommendations … all on company time! Meetings – the practical alternative to work.

The week’s most-requested music files online …
1. Chingy – “Right Thurr”
2. Lumidee – “Never Leave You”
3. 50 Cent – “PIMP”
4. Justin Timberlake – “Senorita”
5. Mya – “My Love Is Like … Whoa”

What’s the absolute worst job in the world? People with lousy occupations compete to be worst at the ‘Worst Job’ Website. LAST YEAR the worst of the worst was ‘Porta-Potty Cleaner’. Candidates for this year’s worst occupation include ‘Adult Video Store Clerk’, ‘Asbestos Remover’, ‘Hog Slaughterhouse Processor’, ‘Donut Shop Counter Girl‘ and – ohmygawd quit right now! – ‘Peepshow Janitor’.

Are those extraterrestrial pants? ‘Cause they make your butt look out of this world.

THIS MONTH is “International Inventors Month”. Inventor Ike Sewell died 3 years ago TODAY. What’s his claim to fame?
a. He invented the fold-up fishing rod.
b. He invented Chicago-style deep-dish pizza. [CORRECT]
c. He invented the non-skipping portable CD player.

Two of the following are facts, one is total hooey. But which?
1. The minimum age for marriage of Italian girls was raised by law to 12 years in 1892.
2. The sale of chewing gum is outlawed in Singapore because it is a means of ‘tainting an
environment free of dirt’.
3. In the Netherlands, a pet legally becomes a member of a family after living with it for 1 year. [BS]

If recording song parodies is part of your bag of tricks, you’ll find parody lyrics for tunes from the ‘60s right up to present day at the ‘Am I Right’ Website. “The School Food They Gave Us” to Chad Kroeger’s “A Hero Will Save Us” is particularly amusing.

BS ‘5 IN 10′ GAME:
Contestant has 10 seconds to name 5 of the following –
• Things you keep in the bathroom.
• Lullabies you sing to a child.
• Breakfast foods.
• Things that you wash.
• Bad nicknames to get stuck with.
(Add up their total score out of 25.)

Today’s Question: Sometimes you can tell and sometimes you can’t, but almost half of women fake THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A tan.

Things turn out best for those that make the best of the way things turn out.

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