August 7, 2003

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Thursday, August 7, 2003        Edition: #2596
Get a Load of This Sheet!

In an attempt to shed her teenybopper image, Britney Spears appears semi-nude on the cover of the SEPTEMBER issue of “Elle” magazine, and reveals in an exclusive interview that she just bought a 4-poster bed that once belonged to Britain’s Royal Family (it’s well worn then) . . . Reports say Britney Spears & Justin Timberlake are in secret talks about a $4.8-million deal to get back together – for a series of TV ads for The Gap . . . 205 Flava Inc, the clothing maker Ruben Studdard is suing, now says it paid him to wear its jerseys on “American Idol”, despite the show’s ban on endorsement deals . . . If you’ve noticed film critic Roger Ebert’s looking unwell of late, here’s why – he’s been diagnosed with cancer and begins radiation treatment NEXT MONTH . . . Jon Bon Jovi has snapped up a 50% share in a new arena football franchise in Philadelphia . . . Word is 40-year-old Demi Moore is concerned about the amount of hate mail she’s getting from fans of her 25-year-old boytoy Ashton Kutcher, mostly from teenage girls – around the age of her 15-year-old daughter Rumer . . . After his grandmother the Queen Mom passed away, Prince Charles moved in to her lavish Clarence House residence, and now he’s throwing it open for tours – at 8 bucks a pop . . . J-Lo is denying reports she tore off her engagement ring and split up with Ben Affleck after she heard he spent a night partying with strippers in Vancouver . . . Meantime, Sony Pictures is yanking expensive ads for their movie “Gigli”, since the $76-million project has yet to gross $4 million.

Here’s a sure sign of production problems – the release of Ben Stiller’s new comedy “Envy”, about a pair of business partners who fall out over an invention that evaporates dog doo, has been postponed yet again until APRIL (how could such a high brow concept like this miss?) . . . Kim Basinger is in talks to play a cosmetics sales rep who kills Elvis impersonators in the upcoming comedy “Elvis Has Left The Building” (how could such a high brow concept …) . . . The dark comedy “Mr & Mrs Smith” about a bored married couple who discover they’re both assassins may not get made at all, with Nicole Kidman pulling out first and now Brad Pitt jumping ship (both citing ‘scheduling conflicts’) . . . Woody Harrelson will play an FBI agent who tracks down retired jewel thief Pierce Brosnan in the Caribbean in the heist flick “After The Sunset” . . . Beyonce Knowles is set to star alongside Cuba Gooding Jr in “The Fighting Temptations” as a nightclub singer who turns to gospel music . . . Bedford NS actress Laura Regan has signed up play the role of US Army private Jessica Lynch, the rescued Iraq War POW, in the upcoming NBC-TV movie “Saving Jessica Lynch” . . . And file this one under ‘flogging a dead dinosaur’ – “Jurassic Park 4″ is said be in development, with Steven Spielberg once again executive producing and Stan Winston once again working on makeup and robotic effects, but plot lines and characters are being kept under wraps.

New research at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia finds that up to 4 drinks a day for men and 2 for women may help melt off pounds. Senior research fellow John Dixon says the study confirms previous evidence that light to moderate drinking has beneficial effects on cholesterol levels. He claims the perceived problem that drinking causes weight gain is mainly due to associated snacking or loss of inhibition that leads to overeating. (Wow, an Aussie in favor of drinking. How unusual!)

Maybe it’s the popularity of ‘80s parties but for whatever reason, Frank Koller of Camden NJ is making a fortune selling ‘mullet wigs’ on the Internet. For the uninitiated, the mullet was that bad ‘80s men’s hairstyle that was short on top and sides but long in back (think Hulk Hogan). Koller’s wigs come in a variety of sizes & colors for both men & women (for whom a ‘mullet’ is called a ‘bingo’) and sell for about 20 bucks.

Researcher Jose Hernandez-Rebollar of George Washington University has developed the ‘AcceleGlove’, an electronic glove that can translate American Sign Language (ASL) gestures into spoken words and simple sentences. It’s designed to help the deaf communicate more easily with the hearing world. (Wonder what it says when you flip the bird.)

Israeli scientists at Hebrew University in Jerusalem have developed a new breed of watermelon that has all the sweetness of regular melons but significantly less sugar. The new variety has up to 40% fewer calories. (Who cares? As any kid’ll tell you, the only reason to eat watermelon is to get seeds to spit at your siblings.)

Scientists in Japan are hopeful the long extinct woolly mammoth, a relative of today’s elephant, may return to roam Earth again. Geneticists from several different Japanese universities have started to analyze tissue samples taken from a 20,000-year-old woolly mammoth carcass unearthed in the frozen Siberian tundra last AUGUST. But the scientists caution that it may take years to bring the prehistoric beast to life through cloning – if it’s possible at all. (This is not a good idea – for more info, see “Jurassic Park 1 through 3″.)

A new play called “Sweet FA” is the talk of this year’s “Edinburgh Fringe Festival” in Scotland. That’s because, for an admission fee of $5, you get – nothing. No actors, no props, no sound and no plot. Just a seat in a 142-seat theater in the wee hours of the morning. If you survive a full hour of nothing, management refunds half your investment. Sweet Productions calls it the ultimate nihilistic experience on stage. (We call it a rip-off.)

• According to a new study by McAfee Security, 57% of spam messages offer credit counselling or financing. Despite what it may seem, just 27% of spam is sex-oriented. (It seems like about 90% of it involves some guy in Nigeria with money problems.)
• Fully 50% of those surveyed by haven’t had a serious relationship in more than a year. And half of these lonely people haven’t had a single date. (Maybe because they waste all their time staring at a computer screen, surfing dumb Websites?)
• A recent survey by finds that more than a third of male sports fans abstain from sex the night before a big game. We’re not talking participants, but the fans! (Then they watch their team get what they didn’t.)
• How long do you spend in the bathroom in the morning? A poll by Roto-Rooter finds most women average an hour or more getting ready each morning, while 75% of the male species spend less than an hour in the bathroom. (Making 95% of the mess.)
• According to a new poll by, 70% of respondents think that eyes are the ‘sexiest facial feature’. 25% picked the mouth. (5% picked their nose.)

Common house flies can do back flips. Scientists using slow-motion cameras discovered that a back flip is the method flies use to land on the ceiling.


1960 [43] David Duchovny, NYC, movie actor (“Zoolander”, “Return to Me”)/ex-TV actor (Agent Fox Mulder-“The X Files” 1993-2002)/Mr Tea Leoni since 1997

1975 [28] Charlize Theron, Benoni, South Africa, movie actress (“The Italian Job”, “The Devil’s Advocate”)

TODAY is “Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day”, to draw attention to the environmentally unfriendly practice of over-packaging consumer goods.

TODAY-Saturday some 30,000 professional and part-time hobos are expected for the 103rd annual “National Hobo Convention” in Britt, Iowa. Participants hop trains from all over North America to attend the parade, the ‘King & Queen of the Hobos’ coronation, ‘Hobo Jungle’ and ‘Hobo Museum’.
PHONER: 515.843.3867

SUNDAY is the 7th annual “Wreck Beach Bare Buns Run/Walk” at Vancouver’s infamous nude beach. This year’s event is part of the “Buns Across the Border 3-Way Celebration of Naturism” in cooperation with 2 other locations in Washington state.
PHONER: 604.273.6950

1995 [08] 27-year-old Playmate-cum-gold-digger Anna Nicole Smith wears low-cut, side-slit white gown to the funeral of 90-year-old husband, oil tycoon J Howard Marshall

1888 [115] 1st ‘revolving door’ invented by Theophilus Van Kannel of Philadelphia (later perfected by radio)

1891 [112] 1st ‘telephoto lens’ patented (next day, a picture of Queen Victoria sunbathing topless appears in tabloids)

1929 [74] Charles Leiper Grigg of St Louis MO introduces the new soft drink ‘Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Soda’, which he fortunately soon re-names ‘7-Up’ (no one knows the real story of how that name came about)

1993 [10] 1st time Britain’s Buckingham Palace opens for public tours

[Fri] Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
[Sat] International Art Appreciation Day
[Sun] S’mores Day
[Mon ] Dog Days of Summer end
This Week Is . . . Recreational Scuba Diving Week (aka ‘I Dropped My Watch in the Toilet Week’)
This Month Is . . . Back-to-School Month (just what every kid wants to hear)


• Whyzit men’s bicycles have crossbars?
• Whyzit when you’re trying to think of a certain song you can’t, but when you don’t want to think of a song you can’t get it out of your mind?
• Whyzit people tie up their dogs but let their 16-year-olds run wild?
• Whyzit in the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we’re at a game, the mall or out on the lake, we talk about business?
• Whyzit the more money a person accumulates, the less interesting they become?

What’s the oddest placename you came across while on vacation? Check these out!
• Beaver (Oklahoma)
• Shitlingthorpe (Britain)
• Bastard (Norway)
• Muff (Northern Ireland)
• Climax (Colorado)
• Dildo (Newfoundland)
• Dong Rack (Thailand)
• Intercourse (Pennsylvania)
• Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
• Chinaman’s Knob (Australia)
• Sexmoan (Philippines)

“Did you have a cruel nickname in school?”

The week’s most requested music files online –
1. Chingy – “Right Thurr”
2. 50 Cent – “PIMP”
3. Lil’ Kim – “Magic Stick”
4. Mya – “My Love Is Like … Whoa”
5. Coldplay – “The Scientist”

The finalists have been chosen for the 4th annual “World’s Most Beautiful Feet Contest”. You can help choose the winner at or Voting ends SEPTEMBER 13TH. Among other prizes, the winner gets a professionally photographed portfolio to help them launch a foot modeling career! (Can you stand the excitement?)

Today’s Question: According to a recent survey, 10% of men admit to doing THIS in the shower.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Shaving their legs.

If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.

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