Thursday, August 29, 2002        Edition: #2367
Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s BS!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Just a week ago Gwyneth Paltrow was slamming British men as being too shy and gawky, now it turns out she has a new Brit boyfriend, Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin (who apparently wasn’t “Yellow”, after all) . . . Meantime, Gwyneth has become the first to own the new Nokia ‘Vertu’ mobile phone, which is hand-made with either a stainless steel, gold, or platinum front and costs – about $20,000 (not yet available to us commoners) . . . . . . “Penthouse” is being sued again over those bogus pics that weren’t really Anna Kournikova topless, this time by 2 men who claim the fakes caused them ‘distress’ so they’re each suing for $8.99 – the cover price of the mag . . . Former Mrs Michael Jackson, Debbie Rowe, confirms she’s NOT the mother of his latest ‘son’, Prince Michael II, saying she wouldn’t ‘do it’ for $100 million (maybe because she already got $30 million as a divorce pay-off) . . . Britney Spears has been voted the ‘World’s Worst-Dressed Celebrity’ by readers of “Prima” magazine (but the best ‘undressed celebrity’) . . . Jerry Seinfeld’s apparently been busy in retirement – expecting a 2nd child with wife Jessica . . . The Strokes, Shaggy, No Doubt, Elvis Costello & Sheryl Crow will be the support acts during the Rolling Stones “Licks” tour (opening TUESDAY in Boston) . . . Pregnant “Sex & the City” actress Sarah Jessica Parker wants to be a Democratic candidate for Senator (so far her only involvement in politics was sleeping with JFK Jr in the ‘90s) . . . Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck were forced to flee his NYC loft when fire broke out while they were entertaining Ben’s brother Casey & Joaquin Phoenix – all four escaped uninjured.

19TH ANNUAL MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS:
• TONIGHT from NYC’s Radio City Music Hall, hosted by “SNL’s” Jimmy Fallon.
• Presenters include the “American Idol” contestants & judges, Avril Lavigne, Britney Spears, Nelly, Kylie Minogue, Elton John, and Enrique Iglesias.
• Performances include Bruce Springsteen, Pink, Shakira, P Diddy, Ashanti and Nas.
• Eminem, Missy Elliott, and POD lead nominations with 6 apiece.
NET: http://www.mtv.com

MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
A prequel to the 1997 movie “Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion” has been green-lighted as a TV-movie for ABC, but don’t expect stars Mira Sorvino and Lisa Kudrow to show up in “Romy & Michele: Behind the Velvet Rope” (even really lame movies get sequels these days) . . . “American Pie” star Jason Biggs has joined the cast of director Kevin Smith’s “Jersey Girl”, starring Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez, which starts shooting NEXT WEEK . . . Another classic TV show is coming to the bigscreen, this time “MacGyver”, in which original star Richard Dean Anderson is expected to have a cameo role . . . Following in the footsteps of Beyonce Knowles, Destiny’s Child singer Kelly Rowland will make her bigscreen debut in the upcoming horror flick “Freddy vs Jason” . . . And apparently we’ll have trouble recognizing Nicole Kidman in the now-shooting flick “The Hours”, because to play the role of author Virginia Woolf she’s adopted a mousy brown hairdo, a dowdy wardrobe, and – a fake nose.

GET A CAT, QUIT SNEEZING:
A 7-year study has found that children who grow up living with cats and dogs are LESS susceptible to common allergies. Researchers at the Medical College of Georgia say the results go against the traditional belief that pets are bad for conditions like asthma and contribute to mounting evidence that the things allergists have believed for years may be dead wrong. (Yeah right, and pass the ragweed would ya? Ah-CHOOO!)

HEY, I’M IN SHAPE – I’M ROUND!
Metabolic Pharmaceuticals claims it has developed a ‘fat-busting pill’ to help people lose weight without dieting or exercise. Preliminary trials show that ‘OD9604 ‘ speeds up the body’s metabolism, thereby stimulating the breakdown of fats and leading to weight-loss without any known side effects. It could be on the market within 4 years. (There’s already a pill on the market offering instant weight-loss – it’s called Ex-Lax.)

VARIATIONS ON PB & J:
Highlights of a new survey by jam-maker Smuckers –
• 96% of adults leave the crusts on their peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, while 27% of kids want the crusts cut off. (The whiners!)
• 73% of men do NOT cut their sandwiches in half, compared to just 40% of women. (They’re quicker to inhale if they’re whole.)
• 38% of adults prefer crunchy peanut butter, compared to just 12% of kids. (Who don’t like finding mysterious hard things in anything they’re chewing.)

CANCER ‘LABS’?
Scientists at Britain’s Cambridge University are hoping that dogs can be trained to sniff out human cancers. Dogs’ sense of smell is up to 100,000 times more powerful than humans and it’s believed their enhanced ability could save lives because cancer cells produce chemicals with a scent not present in healthy cells. An experiment to see if dogs can detect prostate cancer is currently being developed. (Well, off course they’d pick that one – it’s the first place dogs sniff!)

GROUP GRUNTS:
Archaeologists on a dig in the north of Scotland have discovered that ancient Roman soldiers went to war on a diet of egg and pizza. That’s the conclusion after analysis of the 2,000-year-old remains of legionnaires’ breakfasts uncovered in Roman army toilets near where the Battle of Mons Graupius took place in 84 AD. It’s also been discovered that the soldiers went to the latrine in pairs. The reason why they dug ‘2-holers’ is a mystery, but some suggest they simply enjoyed a good conversation.

WE’RE A RUDE BUNCH:
A popular exhibition called “Grossology: The Impolite Science of the Human Body” has visited museums all over the world. An accompanying survey found that –
• 34% of respondents admit they pick their nose more than 5 times a day.
• 34% have no shame about burping loudly in public.
• 29% don’t mind passing wind indiscreetly.

BS SHOCKING FACT:
A poll on sexual habits by Adam & Eve finds that 21% of us aren’t currently ‘sexually active’, 4% of adults have NEVER had sex, and 3% refuse to!

THE BULL SHEET 08.29.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1938 [64] Elliott Gould (Goldstein), Brooklyn NY, movie actor (“Oceans 11″, “Bugsy”, “M*A*S*H”)/ex-Mr Barbra Streisand

1956 [46] Dan Truman, St George UT, country musician (Diamond Rio-“Sweet Summer”, “One More Day”)

1958 [44] Michael Jackson, Gary IN, self-titled ‘King of Pop’ (“You Rock My World”, “Thriller”) /Lisa Marie Presley’s ex-weirdo  NOTE: Yes, Michael Jackson wants to play the lead in the movie “The Nightmare of Edgar Allan Poe” and will be coached for the role by Marlon Brando, but what isn’t being said is – it will only get made because Michael owns the studio!

1971 [31] Carla Gugino, Sarasota FL, movie actress (Ingrid Cortez, the mom in “Spy Kids 1 & 2″)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Italy] “58th Venice International Film Festival” (through September 8)

TODAY is “More Herbs, Less Salt Day”, because it’s ‘healthier, zestier and lustier!’ So go ahead, spice up your life! (What’s the world’s most-used spice? Black pepper.)

TODAY is “According to Hoyle Day”, honoring Britain’s Edmond Hoyle on the anniversary of his death in 1769. He’s the guy who took the time to formalize rules to many popular games. Thus the expression ‘according to Hoyle’ has come to mean ‘playing by the rules’.

TODAY-Monday is the 14th annual “Carrefour Mondial de l’Accordéon” (“World Accordion Jamboree”) in Montmagny QC, featuring squeeze box enthusiasts from around-the-world.
PHONER: 418-248-7927
NET: http://accordeon.montmagny.com/en/index.php

SATURDAY-Sunday Buffalo NY honors it’s tastiest export with the “National Buffalo Wing Festival”. The first buffalo wings were created in 1964 at Buffalo’s Anchor Bar when some hungry friends of the owner came in late one night. The only thing left was some chicken parts which were fried up and covered in hot-sauce. They were such a hit that they became part of the menu and the legend grew from there. This weekend it’s expected some 20 tons of chicken wings, or 400,000 in all, will be deep-fried, drenched in hot-sauce and served up.
PHONER: 716-853-1791 (Ivano Toscani, Anchor Bar GM)
NET: http://www.buffalowing.com

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1844 [158] 1st ‘white-native lacrosse game’, in Montréal (natives win, of course)

1893 [109] 1st ‘zipper’ patent (Whitcomb Judson, who the next day was first to exclaim, “OUUUCCCCHHHH!”)

1896 [106] 1st ‘chop suey’ served (Chinese ambassador’s chef devises dish to satisfy both Western and Oriental tastes for a dinner in NYC)

1934 [68] 1st Boy Scout Camp in America opens at Hawk Mountain PA (the next day, the 1st ‘wedgie’)

1965 [37] 1st ‘parachuting bull fighter’, Luis ‘The Conceited’ Rios, misses Spanish ring and lands in the city dump

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1982 [20] Longest recorded kite flight lasts 180 hrs, 17 mins (Washington DC)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] National Toasted Marshmallow Day
[Sat] National Trail Mix Day
[Sat] Love Litigating Lawyers Day
[Mon] Labor Day (no BS service)
This Week is – Veterinary Week
This Month is – National Golf Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:

• Is Victoria’s Secret that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff?
• When a songwriter dies, does he decompose?
• If two musicians share an apartment are they in A-flat?
• Is a friend somebody who knows you but likes you anyway?
• Why is there ‘text-messaging’ on the phone when it takes away the one task a phone was invented for – talk?
• What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
• If you have your finger TOUCHING the rearview mirror that says ‘objects in mirror are closer than they appear’, how can that be possible?
• In order to make a REAL sponge cake wouldn’t you have to BORROW all of the ingredients?
• If Maxwell House coffee is ‘good to the last drop’, what’s wrong with the last drop?
• If you have liposuction, should you put it under your pillow for the ‘Fat Fairy’?

BS INTERVIEW:
THIS FALL at the University of Calgary there’s a credit course in – ”The Sopranos”. How the award-winning HBO series fits into the gangster film genre will be examined as part of the university’s film studies program. So, wanna sign up? Fuhgedaboudit! The course has been booked solid for months.
PHONER: 403-220-8174 (English Professor Maurice Yacowar)

BS Q & A:
Q: Who were the 1st father-son teammates on a Major League Baseball club?
A: It was Ken Griffey Sr & Ken Griffey Jr, who first played together on the Seattle Mariners 12 years ago TODAY (1990).

BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
• Aries: Don’t worry about your hair. It’s your breath that makes people look at you like that.
• Taurus: An old flame will call today and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with Amway. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.
• Gemini: Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!
• Cancer: Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin.
• Leo: You will soon learn to fear and loath the word ‘diaper’.
• Virgo: While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a ‘ping’ sound
rather than a ‘pop’.
• Libra: Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful.
• Scorpio: Bad hair day today. In fact, it’s quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.
• Sagittarius: You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been ‘blackened’, beginning with your toast for breakfast.
• Capricorn: In an attempt to simplify your life you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this but will be too proud to admit it.
• Aquarius: You will quit your job, run away from home and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler under an assumed name. Personally, I think that’s over-reacting.
• Pisces: This is your lucky day. You will catch the wreath at a funeral.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: What 2 professions are nearly 100% filled by women?
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Kindergarten teacher and dental hygienist. (Not to mention lap dancer, retail lingerie sales, women’s tennis pro – well, except for Serena.)

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.


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