Friday, August 23, 2002        Edition: #2363
Ahhhhh! It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

TODAY’S the latest deadline for ‘N Sync’s Lance Bass to pay up the $20 million he owes the Russian space agency if he wants to make his planned trip to the International Space Station this fall, otherwise it’s “Bye Bye Bye” (do they take VISA? – it’s ‘everywhere you want to be’, except out of debt) . . . TOMORROW night is the 8th annual “Soul Train Lady of Soul Awards”, made interesting this year by an online petition signed by over 20,000 fans who are denouncing the show’s choice to give Ashanti its ‘Lady of Soul’ entertainer of the year award (dissenters say she’s not talented enough to deserve it, especially since the award is named after the ‘Queen of Soul’, Aretha Franklin) . . . Word is Britney Spears’ mom Lynne has laid down the law, demanding that her daughter ditches her wild lifestyle (will a 20-year-old listen to anybody’s advice?) . . . Jennifer Aniston reportedly saved a choking man’s life in a Mexican restaurant in Hollywood THIS WEEK by giving him the Heimlich maneuver (I would’ve held out for mouth-to-mouth) . . . Vancouver rockers Nickelback were pelted by rocks and bottles at a music festival in Portugal THIS WEEK, forcing them to quit just 2 songs into their set (if I hear Chad Kroeger moaning “Hero” one more time, I may stone my radio!) . . . U2 has confirmed they’ll release a new single in late OCTOBER called “Electrical Storm” . . . And watchdog group Parents Television Council has released it’s annual list of what’s good for us on TV (because we’re totally incapable of deciding on our own) and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” is rated the ‘Worst Show for Families’, while “Doc” is rated ‘Most Family-Friendly’ (it stars that “Achy Breaky Heart” dude, Billy Ray Cyrus – nuff said).

A producer’s film is endangered when his star walks off the set so he decides to digitally create an actress as a substitute and she becomes an overnight sensation in the fantasy comedy “Simone”, starring Al Pacino & Rachel Roberts – as the cyber-actress (it’s technically possible, so why didn’t they actually create a digital star?) . . . In the comedy “Serving Sara”, Matthew Perry plays a process server who successfully delivers divorce papers to a wealthy wife (Elizabeth Hurley) but hijinks ensue when she enlists him in a scheme to keep her money . . . Wesley Snipes & Ving Rhames star in the drama “Undisputed”, the story of a top-ranked heavyweight boxer who’s sent to prison on rape charges (gee, could this ever happen?) and ends up fighting the prison boxing champ to see who’s tops . . . And the thriller “One Hour Photo” opens on limited screens, starring Robin Williams as an employee at a photo lab who becomes obsessed with a young suburban family (word is he makes a really creepy stalker).

According to a new UN report, swimming in the ocean causes more illness worldwide than diseases such as leprosy and diphtheria. The report claims that 1 in every 20 people who swim in the world’s oceans becomes ill after just one dip. Bathing in water contaminated by sewage causes some 250 million cases of gastroenteritis and upper respiratory disease each year. (The good news is – with the amount of medical waste washing up on beaches, you may find a handy cure right on-the-spot!)

Researchers claim people with one foot or hand bigger than the other are more likely to be jealous lovers. Canadian scientist William Brown studied 50 men and women in heterosexual relationships. He compared the size of paired features such as feet, ears and fingers, then asked volunteers to fill out a questionnaire assessing romantic jealousy. “New Scientist” reports he found people who were less symmetrical were more likely to be jealous lovers. (That’s the last time I look for a date at the circus.)

A new study published in “The Week” magazine finds that about 90% of bacteria on hands can be found under the fingernails, and long nails provide more room for accumulation. University of Georgia researchers stuffed ground beef contaminated with E coli under the nails of volunteers and asked them to wash their hands. Even those who used nail brushes were unable to remove much of the bacteria. (Wow, a new fast-food restaurant – ‘Beef Graspers’!)

A Ukrainian chocolate company has begun marketing what may be the stickiest, richest and most fattening treat on the market – pure pork fat covered in chocolate. Cracking open a finger-sized stick of ‘Fat in Chocolate’ reveals exactly that – a vein of white fat. The dark chocolate product is meant to poke fun at the traditional Ukrainian snack of ‘salo’, or salted pork fat, usually consumed with vodka and pickles. (That gurgling you just heard was my stomach flipping. Excuse me for a few minutes?)

YESTERDAY in San Francisco, a team of 20 from a local Italian restaurant unveiled the result of some 600-man hours of work – the world’s ‘largest bowl of pasta’. The big bowl was concocted using over 2,700 lbs of noodles & tomato sauce as a stunt for video game maker Nintendo to promote its newest ‘Mario’ game, “Super Mario Sunshine”. Several contestants dressed as ‘Mario’ were allowed to jump in and swim around looking for a free copy of the game and the grand prize, a trip to Hawaii.

• Residents of Bangkok, Thailand (are they called Bangkokers? Bangkokians? Bangites?) are being warned not to keep GIANT AFRICAN COCKROACHES as pets as they can become a health risk if they get loose. (Why would you want something as a pet that most people would pay big bucks to have exterminated?)
• A 10-hour-old baby in Vietnam has undergone surgery to remove – the fetuses of his 2 unborn siblings from his stomach. Otherwise, the newborn is said to be in perfect health. (Wow, talk about your sibling rivalry!)
• Police in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil have arrested a drug dealer on their most-wanted list when he showed up for the premiere of ”God City”, a movie about DRUG DEALING. (They hope to solve a local serial killing at next week’s opening of a murder mystery.)
• Children are staying away from school in Malaysia because of rumored sightings of – HEADLESS GHOSTS. (Y’know, as an excuse it beats the hell out of “My grandma died . . . again.”)

• Since 1500, a total of 816 animal species are known to have been forced into extinction by humans, an average of 1.6 per year! (For this year, might we nominate GIANT AFRICAN COCKROACHES?)
• According to a new survey, 1 in 9 kids runs away from home at least once before the age of 16! (Most return home, unfortunately.)


1949 [53] Shelley Long, Fort Wayne IN, TV actress (“Brady Bunch in the White House”, “Cheers” 1982-87)/movie actress (“The Brady Bunch Movie”, “The Money Pit”)

1970 [32] Jay Mohr, Verona NJ, movie actor (“Simone”, “The Adventures of Pluto Nash”, “Jerry Maguire”)/ex-TV actor (“SNL” 1993-95)

1978 [24] Kobe Bryant, Philadelphia PA, NBA superstar (3 consecutive NBA championships-LA Lakers)

1934 [68] Kenny Baker, Birmingham ENG, dwarf movie actor (‘R2-D2′ in “Star Wars” series)

1962 [40] Craig Kilborn, Hastings MN, TV host (“The Late Late Show” since 1999)

1965 [37] Marlee Matlin, Morton Grove IL, blind TV actress (political consultant Joey Lucas-“The West Wing”)/film actress (Academy Award-“Children of a Lesser God”)

1970 [32] Kristyn Osborn, Magna UT, country singer (SHeDaisy-“The Whole Shebang”, “Little Good-byes”)  NOTE: The sister trio’s name is taken from a Native American word meaning ‘my sisters’

1988 [14] Rupert Grint, Hertfordshire ENG, movie actor (Harry’s red-headed pal Ron Weasley in the “Harry Potter” series)

TODAY the 7th annual “World Championships of Air Guitar” will be held in the northern Finnish town of Oulu, the ‘Mecca of airheads’. Contestants are judged on stage charisma, originality, artistry and ‘airiness’. Competitors play their imaginary guitars to one compulsory tune and one track of their choice. Zac Monro of London ENG, the reigning ‘World Champion’, will defend his title in the finals. He is determined to become the first air guitarist in history to win the World Championship twice. Grand prize is a real electric guitar. (2nd prize is a used tennis racquet.)
PHONER: 011-358-8-570-0500 (Festival Office)

TOMORROW-Sunday the 22nd annual “Great American Duck Race” paddles into Deming NM. No little rubber duckies here, just real live quackers competing for prize money in the ‘world’s richest duck race’.
PHONER: 888-345-1125/505-544-0469

TOMORROW-Sunday the 11th annual “Canadian Garlic Festival” invades Sudbury ON. Events include a ‘garlic hunt’ and ‘garlic relay’ (eat a clove, then breathe on the next person?).
PHONER: 705-673-7404 (Mary Stefura or Mike Sharko)

TOMORROW the “Canal Vaulting Championships” hop to it in Jaarsvelt, Holland when competitors attempt to pole vault up to 20 meters across canals. About a third end up falling in the water.

SUNDAY the annual “Ironman Canada” triathlon huffs and puffs around Penticton BC. Competitors swim 4 Ks, bike 180 Ks, then run 42 Ks. (Then die.)
PHONER: 250-490-8787 (Subaru Ironman Canada HQ)

1617 [385] 1st ‘one-way street’ (London ENG)

1882 [120] ‘Pile of Bones’ SK becomes ‘Regina’

1904 [98] 1st ‘snow tire chains’ invented by Harry Weed (so people could drive in Alberta in July)

1961 [41] 1st ‘athletic mouth guard’ as LL Greenblum patents his ‘Teeth Protector’ (just think, without it we couldn’t have “Dog Eat Dog”!)

1977 [25] 1st ‘man-powered flight’ as Bryan Allen pedals ‘Gossamer Condor’ for 1 mile (Schafter CA)

1998 [04] San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds becomes 1st MLB player to hit 400 home runs and steal 400 bases

1958 [44] Marie Ashton sets ‘piano playing record’ of 133 consecutive hours (during which she played “Chopsticks” continuously and her family committed mass suicide)

1960 [42] World’s ‘largest frog’ (3.3 kg/7.25 lbs) caught in Equatorial Guinea

[Today] Astrological sign Virgo begins
[Sat] Single Parent Family Day
[Sun] Kiss-And-Make-Up Day (did you know an average kiss burns up 6 calories?)
[Sun] Little League World Series championship (Williamsport PA)
[Mon] National Women’s Equality Day
National Hot Lava Week (Ow! Ow! Ooch! Ouch! Ow! Ow!)
National Parks Month


• Doesn’t always attempt some dumb accent like Meryl Streep.
• Her entire ‘entourage’ consists of Ziggy the computer programmer.
• When her agent gets on your nerves you can just delete the bastard.
• One actress who won’t be sleeping with George Clooney.
• She ‘downloads’ whenever you ask.
• Wardrobe free, courtesy of ‘Paintbrush’.
• Only person she’ll be thanking in her Oscar acceptance speech is Bill Gates.
• Julia Roberts – 25 million bucks. ‘Simone’ – squat.
• Hey, she can actually act!

One of these statements is pure BS, but which one?
1. Denzel Washington received a BA in Journalism from Fordham University in New York.
2. Anna Nicole Smith got her BA in Economics at the University of Miami. (BS. As if!)
3. Hugh Grant is a graduate of English Literature at Oxford University.

”What did your spouse wear the first time you met? Has he/she still got the outfit?”

Which famous John –
• Was Canada’s 17th Prime Minister? (John Turner)
• Had a hit with “Rocky Mountain High” then ended up falling from the sky? (John Denver)
• Crashed his plane July 16, 1999 near Martha’s Vineyard? (John Kennedy Jr)
• Spends a lot of time on his 130-foot yacht, the ‘Serengeti’, since retiring? (Johnny Carson)
• Made money as a lawyer, then made even more writing about them. (John Grisham)
• Received a knighthood from Queen Elizabeth under his real name Reginald Dwight? (Elton John)
• Was gunned down outside the Dakota Building? (John Lennon)
• Was a pirate searching for the treasure of ‘Captain Flint’? (‘Long John Silver’ in “Treasure Island”)
• Made a “Cherry Bomb” that wasn’t a bomb? (John Mellencamp)
• Had a tongue-twisting country hit called “Sold”? (John Michael Montgomery–“Sold: The Grundy County Auction Incident)
• Is the most famous person ever born in Wadowice, Poland? (Pope John Paul II)
• Once swapped faces with Nicolas Cage. (John Travolta in “Face/Off”)
• Has given the landlord notice he’s moving out of 24 Sussex Drive? (Jean Chrétien)
• Is still a top-10 favorite movie actor even though he’s been dead 23 years? (John Wayne)

Today’s Question: Over half of all guys surveyed say that doing this while in the sack really kills the mood.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Staring at the clock.

I get plenty of exercise. I put on my roller blades and turn my treadmill up to full speed!

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