Thursday, August 22, 2002        Edition: #2362
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Just as the Rolling Stones get set to kick off their “Licks” tour, a new biography is coming out written by the group’s old manager Andrew Loog Oldham, who claims that he & Mick once spent a night in the sack together (Jagger caught in bed with someone he’s not supposed to be in bed with –  shocking stuff!) . . . Beyonce Knowles has gotten herself into hot water with animal rights groups for admitting that she loves wearing fur (or she doesn’t shave her legs or something like that) . . . The poor 6-month-old tot recently adopted by Michael Jackson will have to suffer through life being called ‘Prince Michael Jackson II’, the ingenious moniker thought up by his fruitcake father, who already has a 5-year-old son called Prince Michael Jackson (and a 4-year-old daughter called Paris Michael Katherine) . . . Meantime, word has it several members of the Jackson family (including “American Idol” judge Randy) attempted an emergency intervention to rescue Michael from drugs & alcohol, but he flatly refuses to get treatment . . . When Julia Roberts new hubby Danny Moder gave her a black Labrador puppy her snooty LA building demanded she adhere to its no-pooch policy, so they’ve moved out to a house in Venice – with a yard . . . Justin Timberlake will release his debut solo album, “Justified”, on NOVEMBER 12 (putting the ‘light’ back into ‘lightweight’) . . . Next to kings and queens, explorers and scientists, the BBC’s new survey of the ‘100 Greatest Britons of All-Time’ also includes pop trash the likes of Boy George, Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols, and Robbie Williams (what, no Spice Girls?) . . . And we quote “Vanity Fair” editor Graydon Carter – “The shelf-life of a movie actor or actress is so short, it’s like milk.”

Juno Award-winner Glenn Lewis will play himself and perform a pair of songs in the upcoming Jennifer Lopez film “The Chambermaid” . . . The movie “Batman vs Superman” has the green light, but lining up the cast has proven a superhuman task – latest rumors have “American Psycho” star Christian Bale as the favorite for the role of ‘Batman’ (replacing Matt Damon), with Colin Farrell and Josh Hartnett in contention to play ‘Superman’ (replacing Jude Law) . . . “Sopranos” star James Gandolfini certainly isn’t svelte, but he’s been asked to beef up even more to play the role of ‘Ralph Kramden’ in a bigscreen version of Jackie Gleason’s TV classic “The Honeymooners” . . . Word around Hollywood is that Demi Moore is getting about $3 million – possibly less – to play a villain in “Charlie’s Angel 2: Halo”, her first major role in 5 years (she got $12.5 million apiece for the back-to-back box-office bombs “Striptease” [1996] and “GI Jane” [1997]).

Scientists at University College in London believe compounds found in coffee, cola and chocolate may help curb cancer and heart disease. Tests show caffeine and theophylline may block cell growth and blood clotting by targeting an enzyme that’s key to the biochemical process. (Actually this is what scientists caught taking an extra coffee break claim they’re researching – coffee and Tim bits.)

An Illinois company called ‘Life Gem’ has come up with a unique way to remember a deceased loved one – turning their cremated remains into a diamond. The so-called ‘memorial diamonds’ are made by collecting the carbon created during cremation and turning it into graphite. A lab in Germany then makes the graphite into gems by simulating the intense pressure and temperature needed to produce a diamond. You can now have family members or even pets mounted into a ring, pendant or other jewelry for about $4,000 a quarter-carat. (“I didn’t inherit these earrings from my grandma – they ARE my grandma!”)

• A group of white water rafters on a 4-day trip down the Ram River in Alberta needed to be rescued after 2 of them went over a 20-meter (66-ft) waterfall. Airborne searchers found them hours later after spotting their makeshift sign, the word ‘HELP’ spelled out – in toilet paper. (Wow, if you fell over a 20-meter waterfall, wouldn’t the toilet paper be used?)
• VANDU (‘Vancouver Area Network of Drug Users’), which represents about 1,000 residents of Vancouver’s seedy downtown eastside, has sent a letter demanding compensation to some 30 movie production companies. The group wants financial compensation for all work disrupted by on-location filming – including panhandling and streetwalking. (“We demand our f–ing rights!”)
• And in a totally bogus announcement, scientists at the Canadian Astrophysics Institute have identified the smallest particle known to man – Jean Chrétien’s political future.

• Mmm, tastes like Dolly! After studying what little research exists on the topic, experts at the National Academies of Science have concluded that eating meat or drinking milk from cloned animals is probably safe. (“Pork, the other genetically-engineered white meat.”)
• “LA Times” reports it won’t be long before human sperm can be grown in mice. That may be good news for men who’ve lost the family jewels to surgery or cancer treatment, but it also may lead to some strange ethical issues. For instance, it would be entirely possible that a male fetus that was never even born could someday become a father. (Future family trees are gonna look really, really weird!)

• An Air France flight heading for Oslo, Norway had to make an emergency landing in Brussels, Belgium after a passenger suddenly started stripping! After taking off all his clothes in his seat, the fully naked man then tried to storm the cockpit. He was eventually removed from the plane, arrested, then released without being charged. (Why not, he was on location for “Full Monty 2″?)
• EthioGift, Ethiopia’s leading e-commerce Website, caters to overseas customers wanting to send gifts to friends and family back home. Most popular item? Sheep – available in medium, big and very big. (Remember, nothing says ‘thank-you’ like a large sheep.)
• A UK man who took Viagra ended up in hospital for almost a week with an unstoppable nose bleed. (What, did it keep whacking him in the face?)
• A Norwegian man has been sentenced to over $1,300 in fines and a 30-day suspended jail term for taking revenge on the female radio station manager who fired his girlfriend. The lawyer/boyfriend placed a false sex ad on a local Website, complete with the Radio Kongsvinger manager’s phone number and e-mail address. She received over 50 kinky offers in a 2-day period. (Had it been a male manager, he would’ve sent a thank-you note.)
• The Shugborough estate in Staffordshire, England has posted an odd job opening – ‘hermit in residence’. Seems in the 1700s members of the landed gentry considered it the height of fashion to have a hermit living on their country estates. The Shugborough hermit will receive a small stipend to inhabit a cold, damp cave miles from anywhere during the estate’s upcoming ‘Heritage Week’. Surprisingly, over 100 loners from as far away as Poland and Pakistan have applied! (This would make a fun contest for “National Hermit Week” or any other excuse you can come up with.)


1920 [82] Ray Bradbury, Waukegan IL, sci-fi author (“Fahrenheit 451″, “Martian Chronicles”, “Illustrated Man”)

1937 [65] Pat Gillick, Chico CA, MLB exec (Baseball Operations & General Manager-Seattle Mariners)/former Blue Jays GM who was the architect of Toronto’s 5 AL East titles and back-to-back World Series wins

1945 [57] Steve Kroft, Kokomo IN, CBS News correspondent (“60 Minutes”, since 1989)

1973 [29] Howie Dorough (Dwaline), Orlando FL, pop singer (Backstreet Boys-“Shape of My Heart”, “Larger Than Life”)

TODAY is “Tooth Fairy Day”. So what’s the proper amount for the devious dental donor to leave under the pillow these days anyway?

TODAY is “Be An Angel Day”, a day to do ‘one small act of service for someone’. So if you see someone walking around yakking on a cell phone today, give ’em a slap upside the head – as a public service of course.

TODAY-September 2nd the 26th annual “Festival Des Films du Monde” (“World Film Festival”) reels in Montréal. Some 300,000 moviegoers are expected to take in 200-plus films from countries around-the-world vying for the ‘Grand Prix des Ameriques’.
PHONER: 514-495-8176 (Henry Welsh, Ixion Communications)

One of the hottest tickets at THIS MONTH’S “Edinburgh Fringe Festival” (wrapping up Monday) in Scotland is “Jerry Springer: The Opera”, which features expletive-spitting louts, a man clad only in a diaper, a talk show host and/or Satan – all of them singing. One of the rousing show-stopping tunes is “My Mom Used to be My Dad”.

“I’m an Accountant and I’m Single!”
“I Have Normal Sized Breasts and I Keep Them Discreetly Covered!”
“The Woman I’m Dating is Really….a Woman!”
“My Teenager is a Pleasure to Live With!”

THIS MONTH is “Home Business Month”, set aside to recognize the growing number of entrepreneurs who’ve set up shop in their own house. You may want to think twice about the idea – in a recent survey, 32% of those running home businesses say they’ve gained weight since. (Oh no, another new syndrome – ‘home office ass’!)

565 [1437] 1st reported sighting of ‘Loch Ness Monster’ (St Columba)

1851 [151] 1st ‘Hundred Guinea Cup’ won by yacht ‘America’, resulting in trophy being re-named ‘America’s Cup’

1865 [137] 1st ‘liquid soap’ patented (we can thank William Sheppard for those public restroom dispensers that squirt goo down your sleeves)
1989 [13] British Telecom unveils the 1st ‘pocket phones’

1951 [51] Largest-ever crowd to see a basketball game (75,052 watch Harlem Globetrotters in a free performance)

1989 [13] 1st major league pitcher to strike out 5,000 batters (Nolan Ryan-Texas Rangers)

1992 [10] Most costly US hurricane, Hurricane Andrew, causes $20.6 billion damage in South Florida

1958 [44] Toronto Argos’ Boyd Carter & Dave Mann combine for CFL record 131-yd punt return (they start in the parking lot or what?)

1998 [04] Westlock, Alberta farmers set Guinness World Record by using 64 combines to harvest 63 hectares in just 15 minutes and 43 seconds

[Fri] 7th World Air Guitar Championship begins (Oulu, Finland)
[Sat] Single Parent Family Day
[Sun] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Mon] Woman’s Equality Day
This Week is – Thanks for All the Gifts Week (a week to catch up on all your thank you cards)
American Dance Week
American Artist Appreciation Month
August is – Children’s Good Manners Month


What product labels say [and what they really mean].
• “King Size” [Big wrapper – small candy bar.]
• “Limited Offer” [This offer is limited to people who are related to the CEO.]
• “Diet” [Smaller can – larger price.]
• “Special Low-Salt” [Special high price.]
• “Crush-Proof Package” [We smashed the potato chips before we crammed them in the can.]
• “New and Improved” [We had some new and improved labels printed.]
• “Special Introductory Price” [We have to unload this stuff fast before the health inspector shows up.]
• “Farm Style” [We didn’t wash the sand out of the spinach.]
• “All Natural Ingredients” [We also consider sugar and fat natural ingredients.]
• “Freshness Guaranteed” [This junk has more preservatives than a stuffed owl.]
• “Specially Priced” [We raised the price.]
• “Safety-Sealed in Plastic” [You’re gonna need a chainsaw to open this.]

Two of the following are actual tabloid headlines, the other one a total fake. But which one?
GAME #1 –
• “Bigfoot’s Fleas are Huge!”
• “Ozzy Osbourne Admits ‘I Have No Talent’!” [FAKE]
• “Half Man-Half Rabbit Terrorizes Germany!”   

GAME #2 –
• “Talking Dog Tells Owner the Kibble Stinks!” [FAKE]
• “Woman Gives Birth to 4-Pound Rock!”
• “2-Headed Man Runs For Mayor – Against Himself!”

Q: Which team played its first game first – the Montréal Expos or the Toronto Blue Jays?
A: Expos debuted in 1969, Jays in 1977.

Q: You’re sitting around the campfire singing “Kumbaya” with the kids. Are the pesky mosquitoes more likely to attack you if you’re wearing light colored clothing or dark colors?
A: Mosquitoes are more attracted to dark colors like blue-jean blue, brown or black. They are less fond of tan, beige or other light colors.

Today’s Question: 89% of married couples admit to doing this, especially when their partner is away.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Sleeping on the same side of the bed.

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

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