Tuesday, August 20, 2002        Edition: #2360
Sheet Happens!

TODAY is the deadline for Martha Stewart to cough up e-mails and phone records to US congressional investigators as they continue to dig into the ImClone insider-trading scandal (if convicted, she faces 15 years in a non-color-coordinated room) . . . The movie industry will open its own ‘Hall of Fame’ by late 2003, with 2 actors and 2 actresses to be inducted each year (who should be first?) . . . Former animal-rights activist Drew Barrymore has apparently fallen off the PETA wagon, eating meat and wearing leather again (well, that’s better than the other way around!) . . . Cult-followed singer Jimmy Buffett is now inviting other artists to join his revolutionary Mailboat Records label because the pay’s good – $5 per record sold, about 4 times what major labels pay (first act to sign is retro-rockers Poison) . . . “Friends” star Matt LeBlanc will soon have an instant family – he’s reportedly set to tie the knot with longtime fiancée Melissa McKnight and become a father to her 2 kids . . . Word is Whitney Houston is having trouble finishing her so-called ‘comeback album’ and canceled a video shoot LAST WEEK to go back into the recording studio (where Bobby was waiting with the blow) . . . Warner Vision is releasing 60 classic music albums in the new ‘DVD-A’ format, playable on DVD players, PlayStation 2, DVD ROMs and DVD-enabled Xbox players, and loaded with extra features such as song lyrics, video clips, artist comments and photo galleries (great, your CD player is now only useful as a doorstop).

Mel Gibson stars in the war drama “We Were Soldiers”, the story of the first major battle of the
American phase of the Vietnam War and the soldiers on both sides that fought it . . . In the animated Disney sequel to “Peter Pan”, “Return to Neverland”, ‘Wendy’s’ daughter ‘Jane’ is kidnapped by ‘Captain Hook’ and ‘Peter Pan’ must come to the rescue . . . And there are new DVD ‘Special Editions’ of the Quentin Tarantino films “Pulp Fiction” (1994) and “Jackie Brown” (1997), as well as the 1984 kid comedy “Gremlins”.

A new survey on the workplace finds fully a third of workers have suffered or witnessed bullying on-the-job. More than half of those cases involve bosses bullying subordinates. Bullying goes on more often among people of the same sex, with 40% of men and 33% of women suffering same-sex bullying. So what do we do about it? 40% of victims say they spoke to the protagonists, while a third say they discussed it with their boss or personnel department. The rest suffer in silence. (And save up for an Uzi.)

Scientists say that within the next decade a powerful new drug could be helping women keep breast cancer at bay and it’s derived from – broccoli. Researchers have developed a compound based on a potent anti-cancer agent in broccoli which shows enormous potential as a preventative treatment. They believe a one-a-day ‘broccoli pill’ for high risk women could be on the market in 7 to 10 years. (In the meantime, eat your veggies!)

A small group of PC owners has quietly filed a class action lawsuit against Intel, Gateway, and Hewlett-Packard alleging the companies misled them into believing the Pentium 4 chip was a superior processor to the Pentium III. The complaint alleges that the Pentium 4 is actually LESS powerful and slower. (Hey techno-suckers, about 90% of the upgrades you’ve been sucked into were a waste of money!)

NASA is developing a ‘brain-monitoring device’ that will receive and analyze brain-wave and heartbeat patterns, then feed that data into computerized programs. What the heck for? The immediate use might be to detect airline passengers who might potentially pose a threat. (Soon in addition to searching your pockets, airport security will be wracking your brain!)

A Manx cat in Stone Creek BC has a chance of making it into the “Guinness Book of World Records” for feline with the most toes. ‘Bobbi’ has 28 toes, one more than the current record-holder. Owner Kathy Williams saved ‘Bobbi’ from being put down 3 years ago while working as a volunteer with the SPCA in Prince George. (28 toes = 28 claws = no drapes left in the living room.)

Animal rights activists in Chile are protesting against an art exhibition composed entirely of – dead dogs. Artist Antonio Becerro found the dogs dead on the streets of Santiago. He then stuffed them, painted on their fur and arranged them in different poses for his exhibition titled “Oil Paintings On Dogs”. Becerro rejects the criticism saying, “I’m not the one who killed these dogs by reckless driving.” (If someone would pick up all the doggy doo and make art from it, then we’d have something!)

According to a new survey by the makers of Brawny paper towels, 40% of women think a guy who does chores around the home is sexier than a fitness freak. Only 5% of women are turned on by a guy who reads poetry. (We all know what’s really impressive to a woman – a guy who can name the entire starting line-up for the Rams.)

10. She is relentless, having no qualms about letting you know she’s interested, whether walking past you over and over or bumping into you – literally.
9. She makes overtly suggestive moves – playing with her hair and smiling – or makes suggestive comments.
8. She inquires about where you’re going later, indicating she wants to make sure your paths cross again.
7. She introduces you to her friends.
6. She sells herself, pointing out her assets and strengths.
5. She volunteers personal information about herself.
4. Of all the people in the room, she only has eyes for you.
3. She stays by your side, reinvigorating the conversation and flirting with you.
2. She wants a follow-up and asks to see you again.
1. She invites you over.
Source: AskMen.com

• The Automotive Occupant Restraints Council warns that ‘false airbags’ have been discovered in over 100 used vehicles in North America in the past year and have been the direct cause of at least 2 deaths. To save money, ripoff repair shops are installing fake airbags after the originals have been deployed – some of them stuffed with rags, cans, paper or other debris.
• Major League Baseball’s highest paid player, Alex Rodriguez of the Texas Rangers, stands to lose more than $100,000 PER DAY if there’s a work stoppage, but he is still supporting the AUGUST 30 strike deadline set by the players union.


1946 [56] Connie Chung, Washington DC, CNN news anchor (“Connie Chung Tonight”)/Mrs Maury Povich since 1984

1948 [54] Robert Plant, West Bromwich ENG, classic rock singer (“29 Palms”, Honeydrippers-“Sea of Love”, Led Zeppelin-“Stairway to Heaven”)

1954 [48] Al Roker, Queens NY, TV weatherman (“The Today Show” since 1996)

1971 [31] Fred Durst, Gastonia NC, rock singer (Limp Bizkit-“Chocolate Starfish & The Hot Dog Flavored Water”)/movie soundtrack artist (“The Fast and the Furious”, “Mission: Impossible 2”)

1971 [31] James Marsters, Greenville CA, TV actor (Spike/William the Bloody-“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”)

TODAY is “National Radio Day”, for no apparent reason other than someone penciled it in on a calendar years ago. To celebrate, all on-air personalities get a hefty raise, free lunch and a magnum of Champagne. (In your dreams.)

1896 [106] 1st ‘dial telephone’ (explain what that is to your kids)

1920 [82] 1st NFL organizational meeting (Ralph Hay’s Hupmobile Agency-Canton OH)

1983 [19] 1st person killed by a ‘waterbed’

1993 [09] ‘Canadian Motorsports Hall of Fame’ opens at Toronto’s Exhibition Place

1998 [04] 1st MLB player to hit 50 home runs in 3 consecutive seasons (St Louis Cardinal Mark McGwire, on way to setting all-time season record of 70)

2000 [02] Tiger Woods wins golf’s 82nd PGA Championship in Louisville KY, becoming first to win back-to-back PGAs since Denny Shute in 1936-37, and tying Ben Hogan’s 1953 record of winning 3 majors in a year

[Wed] National Spumoni Day
[Thurs] Tooth Fairy Day
[Thurs] Montréal World Film Festival begins
[Fri] 7th World Air Guitar Championship begins (Oulu, Finland)
[Sat] Single Parent Family Day
[Sun] Kiss & Make Up Day
Don’t Wait, Celebrate! Week
Foot Health Month

THIS MONTH is “International Inventors Month”, a good excuse to review the –
• Heat n’ Eat Popsicles
• The See-Through Mirror
• Roll-on Hairspray
• The Revolving Basement Restaurant
• The Moped Exercycle
• The Braille Speedometer

Put the following sports in order in regard to the size of their playing area from the smallest to the largest –
a) baseball
b) tennis
c) hockey
d) boxing
[ANSWER: dbca]

A company called Love Air is offering adventurous couples the chance to enjoy a ‘romantic adventure’ in a small airplane. Yup, we’re talking joining the ‘Mile-High Club’. It officially began offering flights LAST MONTH out of Pemberton, about 40 clicks north of Whistler BC. A 30-minute ‘Quickie’ flight costs $250, an hour-long flight called ‘The Big One’ goes for $350. So who’s buying? And how do they ensure privacy?
PHONER: 604-932-6906 (Tony Cailes, Tyndall Stone Lodge, Whistler BC)

One of these statements about greyhounds is total BS, but which one?
1. Greyhounds have the best eyesight of any breed of dog.
2. The greyhound can reach speeds of about 85 miles per hour. (BS. About 45 mph.)
3. The greyhound breed was developed in Egypt about 5,000 years ago.

• 30-year-old Russ DeMers of Portland, Maine is asking Web surfers to make his dream a reality – owning a new 2002 BMW 325xi. He’s started a Website looking for donations and is offering a ‘Certified Certificate of Peace of Mind’ at 2 auction sites to the winning bidder who buys him the Bimmer – monetary value $33,170 but it’s ‘emotional and spiritual value’ to the donor is supposedly priceless. Not surprisingly, no one has bid even a dollar over the base price.
NET: www.geocities.com/need_a_bmw
• What’s the absolute worst job in the world? People with lousy occupations compete to be worst at the ‘Worst Job’ Website. LAST YEAR the worst of the worst was ‘Pest Control Gofer’. This year’s entries include ‘Human Remains Removal Specialist’, ‘Grocery Store Bathroom Cleaner’, ‘Ham Skinner’, and – surprise surprise – ‘Radio Station Gofer’.
NET: http://www.worstjob.com
• Fill in your real name and personal qualities and instantly find out your Chinese name and zodiac sign at the ‘Chinese Name Generator’. The Bull is Chinese-named ‘Bi Touhan’, which means ‘penetrating writing’. Cool!
NET: http://www.mandarintools.com/chinesename.html

“I don’t want to make money. I just want to be wonderful.”
a) Barry Bonds
b) Marilyn Monroe
c) Martha Stewart
ANSWER: Marilyn Monroe.

BS ‘5 IN 10′ GAME:
Contestant has 10 seconds to name 5 of the following –
• Famous Canadians with the first name ‘John’.
• Stupid songs to play as the bride walks down the aisle.
• Dumb things to take into the bathtub with you.
• Surnames you wouldn’t want to be born with.
• Embarrassing things to ask for at the drug store.
(Add up their total score out of 25.)

Today’s Question: Most men receive about 5 of these in a lifetime, most before the age of 25.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Wedgies.

I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut

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