Friday, August 9, 2002 Edition: #2353
My dog is almost human – but I wish he wouldn’t howl in the shower!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Rumor has it that Pamela Anderson & Kid Rock have already wed, in secret (be still my heart!) . . . “Signs” star Mel Gibson got into trouble Down Under after he was filmed by a TV station throwing a cigarette butt into the gutter during a recent visit to Sydney (he could have been fined $60 under Australia’s tough environmental laws, but only received a warning from the EPA) . . . Jennifer Aniston tells “Hello!” magazine that she & hubby Brad Pitt host Hollywood parties that revolve around charades and sometimes poker (yee-haw, party down!) . . . 66-year-old opera heavyweight Luciano Pavarotti and 32-year-old girlfriend Nicoletta Mantovani are expecting twins (eww, that brought up a gross mental picture) . . . The Odeon theater chain is publishing a new guide to film credits, noting that more people are staying to watch them because of comedy out-takes at the end of movies like “Austin Powers in Goldmember” (just what the heck IS a ‘gaffer’ anyway?).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
“The Good Girl”, a dark comedy that stars Jennifer Aniston as a woman with a dead-end retail job and a dead-end marriage who runs into a dreamy kid (Jake Gyllenhaal) who rekindles her passion for life (Aniston says she hated filming her first-ever sex scene because Gyllenhaal is so young, it was ‘like doing it with a child’) . . . In the action thriller “XXX”, Vin Diesel plays ‘Xander Cage’, an extreme sports athlete recruited by the US government for a special mission to infiltrate an underground Russian crime ring . . . Clint Eastwood directs and stars in the crime thriller “Blood Work”, the story of a former FBI director and heart transplant recipient who comes out of retirement to investigate the death of the organ’s donor.
PORTRAIT OF A DUFFER:
Highlights of the largest and most definitive survey of golfers ever done, which will appear in “Golf Magazine” in the SEPTEMBER issue –
• There are about 25 million golfers in the United States & Canada.
• Their average score is 91.9 and they average playing 72 rounds per year.
• On average they spend $2,382 per year on golf. 3% spend more than $10,000 per year on golf.
• The temperature must be over 107 degrees F or below 41 degrees to keep them off the course.
• 8% have had sex on the golf course, but that figure rises to 18% for low handicappers.
• 14% have snuck onto a course without paying.
• 37% would like to trade places with Tiger Woods, but 45% would even trade places with the 200th ranked player on the PGA Tour.
• 16% have broken a club in anger and 43% have thrown a club in anger at least once.
• 59% have improved their lie when nobody was looking.
• 72% bet on the course and the most money lost on a single day is $31.92 on average.
NO APOLOGY REQUIRED:
According to a study in the “Ladies’ Home Journal”, women say ‘I’m sorry’ far more than men, but often use it as an expression of sympathy rather than apology. (What they’re really saying is “How to blow it, bonehead!” as in, “Oh, you had a car accident? I’m sorry.”)
WE NEED IN-FLIGHT RECLINERS:
A new study finds that at least 1 in every 100 air travellers on long-haul flights develops blood
clots. The discovery came after New Zealand researchers tested blood samples from 1,000 travellers aged 18-70 after flights of 4 hours or more.
FLIP IT OVER:
A funeral home chain is offering a memorial service where the deceased is put next to a barbecue pit and grill. “We actually put dry ice in the bottom of the barbecue so it will be smoking when you lift the cover,” says a spokesman. (I want to be buried with the TV remote, for no other reason than to annoy the family.)
I’M STILL WAITING:
The older generation in North America has amassed a collective fortune of over $10 trillion. “Investor” magazine predicts that over the next few years, it will be passed down through inheritances in what will be the largest transfer of wealth in history!
HMMM, WHAT COULD THIS BE FOR?
A South Korean inventor has designed a lipstick which massages your lips. The make-up’s metal cap contains a small battery, a heating wire and a motor. When it is switched on the metal heats up and vibrates, giving the lips a warm massage.
FOR THE RECORD:
TOMORROW the citizens of Breckinridge, Colorado will attempt the world’s largest ‘bell movement’ as thousands of spectators at a cycling event will be given cow bells and asked to ring them simultaneously at the finish in hopes of getting into the “Guinness Book of World Records”. (The previous record for ‘largest movement’ occurred at a Taco Bell.)
ANOTHER GOOD EXCUSE:
New research shows that jogging in urban areas on high-pollution days can cause short-term lung damage. One little run could be roughly equivalent to inhaling 20 cigarettes. (We knew jogging was bad for you! After all, have you ever seen a jogger smiling?)
In Singapore it’s mandatory for a flashing red light to be activated when a nude scene is about to begin in a theater, so movie-goers can avoid seeing what they don’t want to. A ringing bell signals the end of the ‘embarrassment’. (And you thought cell phones were annoying in theaters!)
MEN’S TOP SEXUAL TURN OFFS:
• Women who make the man responsible for their pleasure.
• Women who act unfamiliar with a man’s body.
• Women who never initiate sex.
• Women who are unresponsive in bed, the ‘sexual corpse’.
• Women who are sexual ‘traffic cops’.
(So you’re damned if you take control and damned if you don’t!)
Source: “Woman’s Own”
THE BULL SHEET 08.09.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1942  David Steinberg, Winnipeg MB, comedian/TV actor (“Big Sound”)/TV director (“Mad About You”, “Seinfeld”)
1957  Melanie Griffith, NYC, movie actress (“Milk Money”, “Working Girl”)/Mrs Antonio Banderas/divorced actor Don Johnson – twice
1963  Whitney Houston, East Orange NJ, pop singer (“It’s Not Right But It’s OK”, “Heartbreak Hotel”)/movie actress (“Waiting to Exhale”, “The Bodyguard”)/Mrs Bobby Brown
1964  Brett Hull, Belleville ON, NHL star winger (‘02 Stanley Cup-Detroit Red Wings, ‘99 Stanley Cup-Dallas Stars)
1968  Gillian Anderson, Chicago IL, former TV actress (Dr Dana Sculley-“The X Files”)
1970  Arion Salazar, Oakland CA, rock musician (Third Eye Blind-“Jumper”, “How’s It Gonna Be”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1949  Gene Johnson, Jamestown NY, country singer (Diamond Rio-“One More Day”)
1959  Rosanna Arquette, NYC, movie actress (“Whole Nine Yards”, “Pulp Fiction”)/lived in Europe with Peter Gabriel from 1992-98/sister of actors David Arquette & Patricia Arquette
1960  Antonio Banderas, Malaga SPA, movie actor (“Spy Kids 1 & 2”, “The Mask of Zorro”, “Philadelphia”)/Mr Melanie Griffith
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the UN’s “International Day of Indigenous People”. But is there really such a thing? Weren’t all people originally wanderers?
TOMORROW is the 6th annual “Wreck Beach Bare Buns Run” at Vancouver’s clothing-optional beach.
TOMORROW- August 18 is “Elvis Week 2002” as his Memphis mansion Graceland offers a raft of activities to perpetuate the legend. AUGUST 16 will be the 25th anniversary of his death. (The King is dead – let’s make money!)
• The new CD “Elvis Presley Roots Revolution: The Louisiana Hayride Recordings” features Elvis’ earliest vocal performances backed by modern-day musicians.
• A new album of 30 of his #1 hits called “Elv1s” is expected to sell at least 10million copies when it is released SEPTEMBER 24.
TOMORROW is “International S’Mores Day” celebrating one of our favorite campfire treats. Here’s the complicated directions – toast marshmallows over campfire, then place them on graham cracker with piece of chocolate. Take second graham cracker and smush it on top. Inhale.
MONDAY is “Middle Children’s Day”, to salute middle-born children whose childhood activities were limited by always being ‘too young’ or ‘too old’. A good excuse to ask listeners who are middle children to call your recording line and tell their tales of woe. Pick the best whiners and lay some sad-sack violin music in the background when you play them back Monday.
TUESDAY is “International Lefthanders Day”, saluting all lefties, and recognizing their needs and frustrations. Ask about peculiar problems that southpaws encounter.
PHONER: 785-234-2177 (Lefthanders International-Topeka KS)
PHONER: 800-818-9616 (Southpaw Enterprises-Nelson BC)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1944  ‘Smokey Bear’ (not Smokey THE Bear) 1st introduced by US Forest Service (original name — ‘Hot Foot Teddy’) QUOTE: “Remember only YOU can prevent forest fires!”
1898  1st ‘combustion engine’ (Rudolf Diesel)
1955  1st “Guinness Book of World Records” published
1974  1st (and only) US President to resign (Richard Nixon)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1930  Canadian sprinter Percy Williams sets world record in 100-meter dash at 10.33 seconds
1986  David Childs sets ‘inside loop’ record for airplanes with 2,368 of them (hurl!!)
1988  NHL’s Edmonton Oilers trade Wayne Gretzky to LA Kings for then-record $15 million, 2 players and 3 first-round draft picks
1999  5 grand slams are hit, most in a single day in 129 years of MLB
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] National Garage Sale Day
[Sat] Lazy Day (“I am like a slug . . .”)
[Sun] National Kool-Aid Day (Don’t drink the purple!)
[Sun] Daughter’s Day
[Sun] Dog Days of Summer end
[Mon] Truck Drivers Day
National Pamper Yourself Week (Something to do with self-diapering?)
National Eye Exam Month (You know, those eye charts with the big ‘F’ on top? Oh, it’s an ‘E’?)
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If you add voice recognition software to your computer, can you yell at it?
• Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?
• Don’t you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not?
• Why does the government offer free brochures for the illiterate?
• How come, no matter what part of the world they’re from, all babies cry in English?
• Why does the Queen have so many ‘bad heir’ days?
• Do people drive really slow in the morning because they’re afraid they’ll be early for work?
• Shouldn’t we all be saving our money in case it becomes valuable again someday?
• How does an Aspirin find the headache?
• Can anyone remember even hearing of a time when any pooper scooper law was actually enforced?
A BS PSA:
Police are warning all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting bar regulars to stay alert and be cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called ‘beer’ is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. ‘Beer’ is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of ‘beer’ and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several ‘beers’, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking ‘beer’ men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings in a familiar scam known as ‘a relationship’. Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after ‘beer’ is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Q: She made her movie debut in “Dizzy Dishes” wearing a mini-skirt and a garter. Who is she?
A: ‘Betty Boop’, who 1st appeared in the Max Fleischer cartoon 72 years ago TODAY (1930).
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s the most revolting thing you have ever eaten?”
• “What’s the worst thing your kids have done to embarrass you in public?”
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: A new study shows that 27 million North Americans do this by themselves.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Live.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.