Wednesday, August 29, 2001        Edition: #2121
I’m writing a book. So far I’ve got the page numbers done.

BEST PAID DEAD CELEBS:
(based on their income in the past year)
1. Elvis Presley $35 million
2. Charles Schulz $20 million-plus
3. John Lennon $20 million
4. Dr Seuss $17 million
5. Jimi Hendrix $10 million-plus
6. Bob Marley $10 million
7. Andy Warhol $8 million
8. JRR Tolkien $7 million
9. Frank Sinatra $6 million
10. Jerry Garcia $5 million
[Rising fast – Aaliyah]
(Source: “Forbes” magazine ‘Richest Deceased Celebrities’)

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Over the LONG WEEKEND Disney will more than quintuple the number of screens showing “Pearl Harbor” in an attempt to wring every last buck they can from the summer’s biggest movie disappointment (amazin’ the state Hollywood’s in when a $200-million gross is a ‘disappointment’) . . . The Dixie Chicks are suing Sony Music, alleging they were cheated out of $4 million-plus in royalty money (seems ‘Earl’ ain’t the only one abusing them) . . . Anne Heche formally abandons the gay lifestyle SATURDAY when she weds cameraman boyfriend Coleman Laffoon (who’ll be wearing an off-white strapless taffeta gown) . . . A US federal judge has ruled Playmate-cum-gold digger Anna Nicole Smith must go to trial in DECEMBER to decide whether the $474-million inheritance she won will be upheld (soon legal fees will have eaten through the whole shebang — how many trials is this now?).

A BUNDLE FOR A B.A.:
New StatsCan figures show the average tuition fees paid by arts students working on their first university degree THIS FALL will be $3,453. That’s twice as much as 10 years ago. (Coincidently that’s also the annual income a graduate with an ‘arts’ degree can expect.)

WHO’S UNDER THE TABLE:
Women feel the effects of alcohol more than men. Studies show men have more of a certain stomach acid that helps break down booze before it reaches the bloodstream. (And thanks to beer, men also have more of a stomach.)

FORGET POWERBALL:
Money cannot, in fact, buy happiness, according to Social Indicators Research. A 39-country study shows that no matter where you live the more you make, the more you want! (So keep that in mind before you start demanding that second bowl of gruel this morning, mister!)

THE AGONY OF DA FEET:
How far do you walk per day? According to a recent study, here’s the average mileage by profession –
• Doctor (6.25 miles)
• Administrative Assistant (6.75)
• College Student (18)
• Police Officer (18.3)
• Letter Carrier (24.4)
• Sales Rep (25.75)
• Restaurant Server (27.25)
• Homemaker (28)
[A couple that were missing – Slug (0.5), Radio Personality (0.1)]

SHOWER TIME:
A Water Pik survey shows women take longer than men in the shower each morning, an average 13 minutes compared to the male average of 11.4 minutes. Overall, the average shower lasts 12.2 minutes. (Much less if someone flushes.)

MONKEYIN’ AROUND:
Sex researchers estimate the average duration of a human sexual encounter is 10 minutes. For chimps, it’s just 10 seconds! (No wonder your wife calls you ‘Cheetah’.)

WARNING! WARNING!:
Studies show the #1 cause of injuries during summer is yardwork, accounting for 28% of all mishaps. (Another excuse to avoid mowing the lawn.)

BS FUN FAX:
Unusual statistics from Bernice Kanner’s book “Are You Normal?” –
• Almost 50% of women would wear short skirts and revealing blouses if it would double their pay. (Well, now we know what you are. We’re just quibbling over the price.)
• Some 6% of heterosexual men wear nail polish. (Most of them thanks to their 8-year-old daughters.)
And from Stephen Strauss’ “The Sizesaurus” –
• The average male brain weighs 1.4 kg while the average female brain weighs 1.275 kg. (Unfortunately it’s not what most men think with.)
• The average speed of human growth between the ages of 0 and 18 is .000008 km/h. (All of it just before you take them back-to-school shopping.)

THE BULL SHEET 08.29.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1938 [63] Elliott Gould (Goldstein), Brooklyn NY, movie actor (“Bugsy”, “M*A*S*H”)/ex-Mr Barbra Streisand NEXT FILM: Appears in upcoming George Clooney/Julia Roberts heist film “Oceans 11″, opening DECEMBER 7

1956 [45] Dan Truman, St George UT, country musician (Diamond Rio-“Sweet Summer”, “One More Day”)

1958 [43] Michael Jackson, Gary IN, self-titled ‘King of Pop’ (“You Rock My World”, “Thriller”) who’s record-setting $30-million album “Invincible” comes out OCTOBER 30/Lisa Marie Presley’s ex-weirdo NOTE: 9 days until his ‘30th Anniversary Celebration’ concert in NYC
BS WAYS MIKEY’S CELEBRATING HIS BIRTHDAY:
• Spending a quiet evening at home with a giraffe, a chimp and a coupla dwarfs.
• Playing ‘Pin the Tail on the Tito’.
• Puttin’ on a whole whack of makeup, a black hood and generally actin’ goofy for the day.
• Picking his nose. He hasn’t had a new one in 2 years.
• Bring your jammies, it’s a sleepover!

1971 [30] Carla Gugino, Sarasota FL, movie actress (“Spy Kids”) NEXT FILM: “Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams” (2002)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “According to Hoyle Day”, honoring Britain’s Edmond Hoyle on the anniversary of his death in 1769. He’s the guy who took the time to formalize rules to many popular games. Thus the expression ‘according to Hoyle’ has come to mean ‘playing by the rules’.

TODAY is “More Herbs, Less Salt Day”, because it’s ‘healthier, zestier and lustier!’ So go ahead, spice up your life!

TOMORROW-Monday is the 13th annual “Carrefour Mondial de l’Accordéon” (“World Accordion Jamboree”) in Montmagny PQ, featuring squeeze box enthusiasts from around-the-world.
PHONER: 418-248-7927
NET: http://accordeon.montmagny.com

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1844 [157] 1st ‘white-native lacrosse game’, in Montréal (natives win, of course)

1893 [108] 1st ‘zipper’ patent (Whitcomb Judson, who the next day was first to exclaim, “OUUUCCCCHHHH!”))

1896 [105] 1st ‘chop suey’ served (Chinese ambassador’s chef devises dish to satisfy both Western and Oriental tastes for a dinner in NYC)

1965 [36] 1st ‘parachuting bull fighter’, Luis ‘The Conceited’ Rios, misses Spanish ring and lands in city dump

1990 [11] 1st father-son teammates in ML baseball (Ken Griffey Sr & Jr-Seattle Mariners)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1982 [19] Longest recorded kite flight lasts 180 hrs, 17 mins (Washington DC)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] Molson Indy Vancouver
[Mon] Labor Day (no BS service)
[Sept 6] MTV Music Awards
[Sept 9] NFL Season opens
National Veterinary Week
National Chicken Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS INTERVIEW:

The world’s first ‘chapel for dogs’ has opened, complete with special pooch pews and stained-glass windows depicting black Labs with halos. A sign outside the 15-Fido chapel in a Vermont forest reads, “All creeds, all breeds, no dogma”. The chapel is a gesture of thanks from folk artist Stephen Huneck to his 5 dogs who helped him recuperate from a serious illness.
PHONER: 802-748-5593 (Saint Johnsbury VT)

WHY WERE THEY FAMOUS?
People whose 15 minutes of fame is up. What did they do to make the news?
• Alan Eagleson — once considered most powerful man in hockey, he served time for fraud charges involving Canada Cup tournaments.
• Eddie (‘The Eagle’) Edwards – goofball ski-jumper from the UK who made a splash at the ‘88 Calgary Olympics.
• Fawn Hall — helped White House aide Oliver North shred documents.
• Andrew Cunanan — killed fashion designer Versace.
• Trevor Rees-Jones — lone survivor of the Princess Di crash.
• Selena — Tex-Mex singer shot by her fan club president.
• Mark Fuhrman — the cop in the OJ case.
• Jeff Gillooly– Tonya Harding’s ex- that helped whack Nancy Kerrigan.
• Richard Jewel — the security guard suspected in the Atlanta Olympics bombing.
• Larry Fortensky — Liz Taylor’s last husband.

YOUR SHOE SIZE REVEALS WHEN YOU’LL DIE:
Your shoe size can be used to predict your life span, according to a study by a team of orthopedic doctors in Sweden. Computers were used to analyze data on test subjects, who were all hospital patients that died during a 2-year period. The experts found a strong correlation between the patients’ age at the time of death and their shoe size. So let’s check out how long the members of your morning crew are going to be around. For half-sizes, round up to the next larger size.
WOMEN –
Size 4: 64-69
Size 5: 70-76
Size 6: 77-82
Size 7: 78-84
Size 8: 73-75
Size 9: 70-72
Size 10: 67-70
Size 11: 66-69
MEN –
Size 5: 63-66
Size 6: 64-69
Size 7: 66-69
Size 8: 67-72
Size 9: 72-75
Size 10: 73-77
Size 11: 75-82
Size 12: 74-79
Size 13: 67-72
Size 14: 66-69

BS TAG LINE:
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.


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