Wednesday, August 22, 2001        Edition: #2116
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AUGUST is “International Air Travel Month”, so here’s a BS look at . . .
ANNOUNCEMENTS YOU HATE TO HEAR WHILE FLYING:
• “Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia . . .”
• “Can anyone in the passenger cabin drive a stick?”
• “It would be a good idea if everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie — right now.”
• “Well, we hope you all brought your bathing suits.”
• “Ah! So that’s what those buttons do!”
• “And remember, for today’s meal you can choose between the white crap and the yellow crap.”
• “Your kids are gonna love our inflatable slides.”
• “Does anybody else want a slug of this before I finish the bottle?”
• “And we’ve reached our cruising altitude of 40 feet . . .”
• “We apologize for the turbulence. If you think it’s so easy, get your own damn plane!”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
It’s been confirmed Shania Twain gave birth to a baby boy SUNDAY, who’s been named ‘Eja’ (Eja? That don’t impress me much) . . . AJ McLean has reportedly completed alcohol rehab and will rejoin Backstreet Boys for their concert in Milwaukee FRIDAY . . . That’s one back and here’s another one down – 29-year-old Toronto-born former teen heartthrob actor Corey Haim  (“Lost Boys”) has been rushed to hospital in a coma after a drug overdose . . . Word is Christina Aguilera has been forced to move OUT of the $4-million LA mansion she just moved INTO a month ago with dancer boyfriend Jorge Santos after receiving a chilling letter from a stalker threatening ‘to pay her a visit’ . . . And buzz is the $4.5 million hovel inhabited by Hollywood’s weirdest duo, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton, has one room with a giant trampoline and walls covered in Velcro, and another that’s a fully-equipped dungeon, complete with whips and chains — and it’s sound-proof!

MIND READING:
What does the typical husband think about during sex with his spouse?
• His wife (56%)
• Absolutely nothing (22%)
• Another woman (8%)
• Work (7%)
(Source: “Redbook” poll)

RAISING MORONS:
A survey of parents finds 16% of don’t read to their kids at all, and just 39% of parents with children under 3 read or look at picture books with their little ones at least once a day.

HICS HAPPEN:
“Men’s Health” magazine says sticking your fingers in your ears may cure hiccups because it short-circuits a nerve. Apparently many of the old home remedies actually have sound scientific reasoning behind them. Here’s a few of them — gargling with water, swallowing stale bread, chewing on a vinegar-soaked sugar cube, squeezing the bridge of your nose, and pulling your tongue. (Dropping a large cinder block on your toe will also make you forget about hiccups right away, but is not recommended.)

OLD PERSON SMELL:
The American Aging Association says the older you get, the less you smell. Why? Because your odor-making apocrine glands become less productive as you age. (However, that’s counterbalanced by the fact that you can’t remember if you’ve bathed this month.)

1 BALL, 2 STRIKES:
MONDAY a Peruvian man who was demonstrating at the parliament building in Lima over his unemployment problems — chopped off one of his testicles. What’s even dumber — in a similar demonstration LAST YEAR he sliced off his penis. (Apparently he was disconsolate after being turned down for a position as a rabbi.)

JAWS IN JEOPARDY:
Heard about those recent shark attacks in Florida? Well, here’s the REST of the story – for every shark that bites a human, humans kill about 1 million sharks, according to “Omni” magazine.

CAFFEINE BIRTH CONTROL:
Women who drink at least 3 cups of coffee daily reduce their chances of becoming pregnant by 27%, according to a Yale University study. (Now guys are asking their dates, “Are you on the mug?”)

THE BEN JOHNSON CENTER:
Montréal has beaten out Lausanne, Switzerland and Vienna, Austria to become the world center for drug testing in sports as the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) has decided to locate its permanent headquarters there. (Hey let’s face it, if anybody knows anything about doped athletes – it’s Canada!)

THE UGLY TRUTH:
After studying workplaces in the US, Canada and China, a University Of Texas researcher has found that better-looking employees are generally better paid. ‘Ugly’ people earn up to 10% less than those with ‘average’ looks, while the ‘best looking’ people earn up to 5% more. (So [co-host], want me to spot you a 20? I’m asking for a raise.)

SEXY SWEDES:
A poll by Swedish tabloid “Aftonbladet” finds 80% of women in Sweden would like to have sex more often, and over half admit they’ve been unfaithful to their partners. (Note to self — check airfare to Stockholm.)

VISIBLE MAN:
An ‘art exhibit’ of human and animal remains in Berlin, Germany has been forced to remain open 24-hours-a-day to cope with demand. Visitors have been lining for 6 hours to see bodies that have been cut open, then pumped full of preservative plastic to show what’s inside. ‘Bodyworlds’ creator Gunther von Hagens used corpses from morgues and research institutes across Europe. One of the most popular figures is a man riding a horse — both of them partially dissected. (OK, I think I’ll skip the bacon and just have toast this morning.)

THE BULL SHEET 08.22.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1917 [Died-6/21/01] John Lee Hooker, Clarksdale MS, legendary bluesman (“Boom Boom”, “One Scotch One Bourbon One Beer”)/1999 ’Lifetime Achievement Award’ Grammy

1920 [81] Ray Bradbury, Waukegan IL, sci-fi author (“Fahrenheit 451″, “Martian Chronicles”, “Illustrated Man”)

1937 [64] Pat Gillick, Chico CA, MLB exec (Baseball Operations & General Manager-Seattle Mariners)/former Blue Jays GM who was the architect of Toronto’s 5 AL East titles and back-to-back World Series wins

1945 [56] Steve Kroft, Kokomo IN, CBS News correspondent (“60 Minutes”, since 1989)

1973 [28] Howie Dorough (Dwaline), Orlando FL, pop singer (Backstreet Boys-“Shape of My Heart”, “Larger Than Life”) NOTE: He’s hosting a 1-week Caribbean cruise leaving December 15 for Cozumel, Mexico to benefit his Dorough Lupus Foundation

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Be An Angel Day”, a day to do ‘one small act of service for someone’. So if you see someone walking around yakking on a cell phone today, give ‘em a slap upside the head — as a public service.

The annual “International Beatles Week” runs TODAY-Tuesday in Liverpool ENG, attracting ‘Fab Four’ fans and look-alike, sound-alike ‘Beatle bands’ from around-the-world.
PHONER: 01-44-151-236-9091 (Cavern City Tours)
NET: http://beatle-city.merseyworld.com/beatleweek/beatleweek.htm

The 25th annual Festival Des Films du Monde (World Film Festival) reels TOMORROW through September 3rd in Montréal. 300,000 moviegoers are expected to take in some 240 films from 60 countries vying for the ‘Grand Prix des Ameriques’.
PHONER: 514-848-3883 or 514-495-8176 (Henry Welsh, Ixion Communications)
NET: http://www.ffm-montreal.org/

THIS MONTH is “Home Business Month”, set aside to recognize the growing number of entrepreneurs who’ve set up shop in their own house. You may want to think twice about the idea — in a survey, 32% of those running home businesses say they’ve gained weight since. Oh no, something else to worry about — ‘home business butt’!

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
565   [1436] 1st reported sighting of ‘Loch Ness Monster’ (St Columba)

1851 [150] 1st ‘Hundred Guinea Cup’ won by yacht ‘America’, resulting in trophy being re-named ‘America’s Cup’
 
1989 [12] British Telecom unveils the 1st ‘pocket phones’

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1951 [50] Largest-ever crowd to see a basketball game (75,052 watch Harlem Globetrotters in a free performance)

1958 [43] Toronto Argos’ Boyd Carter & Dave Mann combine for CFL record 131-yd punt return (they start in the stands or what?)

1998 [03] Farmers in Westlock, Alberta set Guinness World Record by using 64 combines to harvest 63 hectares in just 15 minutes and 43 seconds

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Kiss-And-Make-Up Day
[Sun] National Make Your Own Lucky Day Day
[Sun] National Women’s Equality Day
Freedom of Enterprise Week
National Golf Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BEST STARS TO HIT UP FOR AN AUTOGRAPH:

• Angelina Jolie
• George Clooney
• LeAnn Rimes
• Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit)
• Eddie Murphy
• Russell Crowe (only signs his first name)
• Julia Roberts (who actually became more accessible AFTER she hit the big time)
• Mel Gibson
• Sylvester Stallone (hey, what else does he have to do?)
WORST STARS TO HIT UP FOR AN AUTOGRAPH:
• Tobey Maguire (egocentric star of upcoming “Spider-Man” movie, ranked ‘worst signer of the year’)
• Cameron Diaz
• Edward Norton
• Britney Spears (her security will actually toss you aside)
• Winona Ryder (says she only signs for children)
• Gwyneth Paltrow
• Sean Connery (routinely turns people down)
• Catherine Zeta-Jones (since marriage to Michael Douglas she won’t sign — and he won’t either)
(New listing by “Autograph Collector” magazine)

BS TRIVIA:
Q: Who lives at 541 Acacia Avenue in Ottawa?
A: That’s the address of ‘Stornoway’, the 34-room official residence of the federal leader of the opposition. So the answer is Stockwell Day — for now. THIS WEEK he strongly hinted he’ll quit earlier than his previously announced mid-December deadline.
(Source: “You Asked Us”)

BS TAG LINE: There is no job so small that it can’t be made longer by listening to advice.


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