Wednesday, August 8, 2001        Edition: #2106
I think something must have died inside my brain. This morning my eyelids will only go to half-mast.

THE MONTH’S WEIRDEST TABLOID HEADLINES
• “Satan’s Cell Phone Ruined My Life!”
• “Alien Blob Ate My Truck!”
• “Good News: Hand Grenades Can Kill Demons!”
• “Adam & Eve Never Even Knew Each Other!”
• “Mickey Mouse Gave Us Scabies”
• “Turkish Soldiers are World’s Best at Fighting Vampires!”
• “Space Aliens Hate Spiders!”
• “Pain-Crazed Trucker Yanks Dentist’s Teeth Out After Dumb Doc Drills His Nerve!”
(Courtesy of “Weekly World News” and “Sun”)

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Nelly Furtado will open for U2 at selected dates when the British leg of the “Elevation” tour kicks off THIS WEEKEND . . . Sheryl Crow has had to put her summer tour on hold due to recovery from an unspecified ‘surgical procedure’ (a ‘career augmentation’?) . . . Word is Mariah Carey is still in hospital following her suicide attempt (reportedly a wrist slash) but has told aides she WILL be at the LA premiere of her new film “Glitter” which the studio has now postposed from August 31 to September 21 . . . The next “Star Wars” prequel now has a title — “Star Wars: Episode II — Attack of the Clones” (isn’t that a tad ironic?) . . . Philadelphia-born rapper Eve tells the UK press she was ‘stunned’ to discover that there were other black people outside the US (Dubya was recently stunned to discover other COUNTRIES outside the US).

SILLY SURVEYS:
• The stereotype is true! According to a recent AT&T Broadband poll, men are far more likely  to hog the TV remote as women, by a whopping 63% to 32% margin.
• A new poll of teenage girls finds most of those polled do not consider ‘oral sex’ as ‘sex’. (Leading to the new pickup line “Let’s NOT have sex.”)
• A new survey finds only 1 in 3 men would go to a doctor if they were having chest pains. (On the other hand if a woman was having chest pains, 2 out of 3 men would PRETEND to be a doctor.)
• Women who dye their hair red are more likely to cheat on their partners, according to a new survey for hair product maker Dermoline. Pollsters conclude red hair makes women feel more confident and thus more willing to play the field. (Guess that’s why I woke up this morning next to Carrot Top.)
• 13% of women polled admit they have said the words ‘I love you’ to get a guy into the sack. (As compared to 84% who have said the words ‘I love you’ to get a guy to leave.)

VIRTUAL BACK-SEAT DRIVER:
IBM is developing the world’s first ‘intelligent dashboard’ for vehicles. The ‘Artificial Passenger’ uses cameras to monitor a driver’s eye movements for signs of sleepiness, then automatically opens windows or spritzes the face with cold water when reactions are slow. The ‘AP’ also includes a ‘conversation planner’ that uses a driver profile to initiate interesting topics using a speech generator and the vehicle’s speakers. (For much less money, I’ll ride around with you and slap you upside the head whenever you nod off.)

WHAT A CROC:
The Australian Institute of Sport has condemned a swim coach who’s attempting to improve his team’s performance using a live crocodile in the pool! Darwin coach Mark Davies claims the 6-foot-long croc’s jaw is taped shut and the claws are clipped, so it’s just the thought of something chasing them down the pool that improves swimmers’ times. (This type of motivation really DOES work. [Your co-host] once set a record in the 100-meter dash when his girlfriend’s husband showed up with a shot gun.)

DOLLARS FROM DOG DOO:
A Swedish dog owner has managed to retrieve money swallowed by her bull terrier. Gunilla Gonon-Sabelstrom says the two 500-kronor bills (worth about $100) cleared the pooch’s digestive system during two walks the next day and although a bit yellowed and smelly, will be spendable with a little ironing. (I know the feeling — the crap I go through to get money!)

DOLLARS FROM DOG DOO TOO:
Matthew Osborn’s “The Professional Pooper-Scooper: How To Start Your Own Low-Cost, High-Profit Dog Waste Removal Service” is considered ‘the bible’ of the booming poop pick-up business. No BS, this guy’s made big bucks from ‘DS’.
PHONER: 614-231-4101 (Columbus OH)
E-MAIL: matthew@pooper-scooper.com
NET: http://www.pooper-scooper.com

THE BULL SHEET 08.08.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1937 [64] Dustin Hoffman, LA CA, 5′-5″ movie actor (2 Oscars-“Rain Man”, “Kramer vs Kramer”) NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Susan Sarandon as parents of a murdered daughter in “Baby’s in Black”, coming next year

1947 [54] Ken Dryden, Hamilton ON, NHL exec (Toronto Maple Leafs president)/Hall of Fame NHL goalie (6 Stanley Cups-Montréal Canadiens, 5 Vezina Trophies)/author (“The Game”)

1961 [40] The Edge (David Evans), London ENG, rock guitarist (U2-“Elevation”, “Beautiful Day”)

1973 [28] Mark Wills (Williams), Blue Ridge GA, country singer (“Back At One”, “I Do”)

1976 [25] Drew Lachey, Cincinnati OH, 5’-6″ pop singer (98 Degrees-“I Do Cherish You”, “Hardest Thing”)/brother of Nick Lachey

1976 [25] JC Chasez, Bowie MD, pop singer (‘N Sync-“Pop”, “Bye Bye Bye”) NOTE: Only member on ‘N Sync not to get a tattoo on his ankle because he’s afraid of needles

1981 [20] Bradley McIntosh, London ENG, pop singer (S Club 7-”Two in a Million”, “Bring It All Back”) who was busted for cannabis along with bandmates in March NOTE: Group was created and is managed by ex-Spice Girls manager Simon Fuller

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night”, a day to share the wealth of your vegetable garden with friends and neighbors. (Unless you can’t stand ‘em, in which case it’s ‘Sneak a Flaming Paper Bag of Poop Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night’.)

TODAY is “National Admit You’re Happy Day”. Go ahead, say it – ‘I feel good dada dada dada dum, I knew that I would dada dada dada dum . . .’

THIS WEEK is “National Bargain Hunting Week”. What’s the absolute best deal you’ve ever found? (Besides this wowzer show prep that allows you to keep your job for about a buck-a-day.)

ON THIS DAY . . .
1995 [06] Wendy’s announces $400-million merger with Canadian doughnut chain Tim Horton’s (how come there’s no ‘Dave Bits’?)

2000 [01] 30-year-old actress Catherine Zeta-Jones gives birth to son of 55-year-old fiancé Michael Douglas, named Dylan Michael Douglas (they wed 3 months later)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1920 [81] Shortest-ever American League baseball game as Detroit Tigers beat NY Yankees 1-0 in just 73 minutes

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] UN International Day of Indigenous People
[Sun] Middle Children’s Day
[Mon] International Lefthanders Day
Don’t Wait — Celebrate Week!
National Inventors Month
Shameless Promotion Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
‘FEAR FACTOR’ FOR GUYS ONLY:

Looks like “Fear Factor” is THE TV hit of the summer. Here’s some radio adaptations where you play on some of guys’ biggest fears . . .
• Male phone contestants compete to give most convincing crying performance in ‘Tear Factor’. To prime the ol’ ducts, give each a topic for them to make up a sad tale of woe (‘I lost my tickets to the big game’, ‘My best buddy stole my last beer’, ‘I can’t believe I’ve put on 5 lbs’, etc.)
• Conference a male phone contestant with a local drug store or supermarket whom he must query about the best deals on various feminine products – moisturizing creams, depilatories, tampons, etc.
• Fully-clothed guys parade on stage in best tush competition, ‘Rear Factor’, a bar promotion judged by a panel of women.
• To win a prize, male phone contestant must call girlfriend or spouse and use the 5 extremely mushy terms of endearment you specify (‘honey’, ‘sweetheart’, ‘baby’, ‘hug bunny’, ‘cuddle-bum’) in the conversation before his partner catches on to the scam.

BS Ts FOR TWO:
Each word in the 2-word answers begins with the initial ‘T’.
• The stuff athletes say to intimidate competitors. (Trash Talk)
• He was a famous circus midget. (Tom Thumb)
• The TV magazine show hosted by Barbara Walters. (“20/20″)
• He’s the CNN founder and a buffalo rancher. (Ted Turner)
• Slang for cheating on your partner. (Two-Timing)
• She was the subject of the biographical movie “What’s Love Got to Do With It”. (Tina Turner)
• Another name for the game of ping pong. (Table Tennis)

BS TRIVIA:
Q: Compared to body size, who has a larger brain – humans or hummingbirds?
A: The human brain is about 7,000 times larger than the hummingbird’s, but the itty bitty birdy  brain represents about 4.2% of the hummer’s body weight, nearly TWICE that of humans!
(Source: “Canadian Geographic” magazine)

BS TAG LINE: The boss and I have been a lot more friendly lately, but not to each other.


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