August 31, 2000                                             Edition:  #1880

A new program in Toronto posts report cards in restaurants, grading them for cleanliness. So here’s a BS look at . . .
THINGS YOU DON’T WANNA OVERHEAR IN A RESTAURANT:
• “Dammit, that’s the third band-aid I’ve lost this week!”
• “C’mon! Let’s get those forks spit-shined!”
• “Y’know, those food prep gloves work in a pinch for a prostate exam.”
• “Attention! Did anyone on the kitchen staff lose a finger?”
• “Dude, you have to use the microwave to heat up that chicken. You can’t just keep it your pants!”
• “I can’t believe he STILL ate it!!”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
The Toronto-shot TV series “La Femme Nikita” staring Peta Wilson has been saved from extinction by the lobbying efforts of fans and 8 new episodes are in the works . . . Brad Pitt tells a Brit reporter the good things about being married are “you can fart and eat ice cream in bed” (and women were actually ENVYING Jennifer?)  . . . Ben Affleck won $140,000 while playing blackjack with Matt Damon at the Hard Rock in Vegas and GAVE IT ALL AWAY to employees in tips — 5 grand or more to EACH . . . Sleazy guy Geraldo Rivera has leaked the news he wants to run for NYC mayor NEXT YEAR (yeah right, maybe in a guest shot on “Spin City”).

UPCOMING MOVIES:
Rodney Dangerfield says he’ll renew his real life wedding vows at the premiere of his latest, “My 5 Wives”, a comedy in which he plays a POLYGAMIST (it’s like holding an AA meeting in a bar) . . . Will Smith will star in the true story of the Moulin Rouge, the first interracial hotel/casino in Las Vegas back in the 1950s (Warning! Warning ! Here comes another rip-off theme song!) . . . The next film for Jennifer Lopez may be a biopic about famous Mexican painter Frida Kahlo (who coincidently also had a big ass).

GOT YOUR WEBSITE YET?
New Arbitron/Edison Media research shows the number of people who have listened to radio stations online has TRIPLED in the last 2 years — from 6% in ‘98 to 20% this summer!

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• TODAY Dennis Rodman launches the new Website, RodmanTV.com, where you can watch ‘The Worm’ live 24/7 thanks to Web cameras throughout his Newport Beach CA home. (Y’know, we’ve already learned WAY more than we really need to know about his pathetic life.)
• YESTERDAY Hasbro unveiled the John F Kennedy action figure as part of its ‘GI Joe Classic Collection’. (We need a JFK doll like we need a hole in the head.)
• John McEnroe says any good male college tennis player could beat women’s tour stars Venus and Serena Williams. (Tomorrow’s headline, “Sisters Beat Crap out of Bigmouth”.)
• Whitewater Voyages, employer of “Survivor’s” $100,000 runner-up Kelly Wiglesworth, is now saying the “Send a Buck to Kelly” campaign on its Website which asked 900,000 supporters to add a dollar to her winnings, was initiated by a fan and the company has donated the money to charity. (However, the ’Send a Buck to The Bull’ campaign is still on!)

THE BULL SHEET 08.31.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1928    [72] James Coburn, Laurel NE, movie actor (Oscar-“Affliction”, “The Magnificent Seven”)
1945     [55] Van Morrison, Belfast N IRE, classic rock/blues singer (“Moondance”, “Brown Eyed Girl”)
1949    [51] Richard Gere, Philadelphia PA, film actor (“Autumn in New York”, “The Runaway Bride”)/”People” magazine’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ 1999
1969    [31] Jeff Russo, rock guitarist/singer (Tonic-“If You Could Only See”, “Open Up Your Eyes”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TOMORROW-Monday is the 12th annual “Carrefour Mondial de l’Accordeon” (“World Accordion Jamboree”) in Montmagny PQ, featuring squeeze box enthusiasts from around-the-world. What’s the weirdest tune someone has played at the festival?
PHONER: 418-248-7927 
NET: http://www.quebectel.com/accordeon/

SATURDAY they’ll pull the cord on the 9th annual “Nationals Championship Race for Riding Lawn Mowers” in Greenfield, Indiana. Racing classes include ‘Stock’ (10 mph), ‘IMOW’ (25 mph), ‘Prepared’ (50 mph) and ‘Factory Experimental’ (60 mph). In case you’re wondering, cutting blades are removed for safety. “Ladies & gentlemen, start your Toros!”
PHONER: 847-729-7363 (Bruce Kaufman) 
NET: http://www.letsmow.com/media/news.html

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999    Dixie Chicks release smash album “Fly”, Ricky Martin releases sappy single “She’s All I Ever Had”

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1954     [46] 1st storm with a name (‘Hurricane Carol’ hits New England)
1955    [45] 1st ‘sun-powered automobile’ is demonstrated (so why are we still buying gas?)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] NFL season opens
[Mon] Labour Day (no BS service)
Be Kind to Humankind Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
THREE WORDS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR TOGETHER:

Ask listeners to come up with 3 words that WILL NEVER appear in the same sentence. Here’s a few primers – ‘really understanding wife’, ‘inexpensive health care’, ‘sweet smelling diaper’, ‘Oscar winning Madonna’, ‘Roseanne’s Playboy pictorial’ (thank gawd), and we certainly hope these 3 never co-exist – ‘hungry’, ‘Rottweiler’ and ‘testicles’.

TRUTH OR BS?
• According to ‘Miss Manners’, it’s OK to talk on the phone while you’re in the bathroom. (True, she says, as long as you don’t flush.)
• Genetic experts say people with a flatulence problem usually inherit the trait from their dads. (BS. However they do say nearly all redheads get their hair color from pop.)
• “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” was originally scheduled for a limited run of 2 weeks on ABC. (True. It was planned as summer filler last year.)
• For every shark that bites a person, people kill about 1 million sharks. (True, according to “Omni” magazine. We like ours grilled with a tangy lemon and basil sauce.)
 
BS TAG LINE:
Bureaucracy — a method of turning energy into solid waste.


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