August 17, 2000                                            Edition:  #1870

Director Andrew Niccol couldn’t find just the right actress to co-star with Al Pacino in his upcoming film “Simone” so he’s going to use a computer-generated actress as its leading lady — the FIRST TIME a non-animated film’s star will be virtual (‘Jar Jar Binks’ was a computer creation, but not the star of “The Phantom Menace”). So here’s a look at the . . .
BS ADVANTAGES OF CYBER-ACTRESS:
• She ‘downloads’ whenever you ask.
• Wardrobe free, courtesy of ‘Paintbrush’.
• Doesn’t attempt some dumb accent like Meryl Streep.
• One actress who won’t be sleeping with Jack Nicholson.
• Entire ‘entourage’ consists of Ziggy the programmer.
• Only person she’ll be thanking in her Oscar acceptance speech is Bill Gates.
• When her agent gets on your nerves you can delete the bastard.
• Julia Roberts – 20 million bucks. Cyber-actress – squat.
• Hey, she can actually act!

OTHER MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
Brad Pitt will star in the Coen Bros’ next flick “To The White Sea”, about a stranded WW2 tail gunner forced to trek through Asia to find his way home . . . Tom Hanks will star in “American Beauty” director Sam Mendes’ screen version of “The Road to Perdition”, about Al Capone’s top hit man in 1930s-era Chicago . . . First Catherine Zeta-Jones bailed out, then Meg Ryan, and now Angelina Jolie is in talks to co-star with Kevin Costner in the next Oliver Stone pic “Beyond Borders” (gee, why wouldn’t an actress wanna be in one of those oh-so-successful Costner films?).

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
5 former members of Elvis Presley’s inner circle  have incorporated the name ‘Memphis Mafia’ and say they’re prepared to sue anyone who uses it without permission (wow, I can’t think how many times it’s been on the tip of my tongue) . . . The creators of “Big Brother” are now developing a new reality show for German TV called “Big Diet”, in which 10 porky people are sequestered for 100 days while surrounded by fattening goodies and whoever loses the most weight wins the grand prize — gold bars equal to the weight they lost (no BS — you can’t make this stuff up!)

BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• A psychic in Bulgaria has been ordered by a judge to stop reading the minds of her relatives. Her family says they’re sick and tired of her telling them what’s going to happen before it happens. (All moms do that — “Put on a sweater or you’ll catch your death of cold!”)
• Horrified German pig farmer Cedric Steiner watched 22 of his prize porkers explode in front of his eyes! Police discovered the pigs had eaten large quantities of plastic explosives spilled from a derailed train car. A local vet says the explosives smelled like rotten eggs so it was natural the pigs would make a meal of it. (“How’s that pork chop, hon’?” “It’s dynamite!”)
• French men are crossing the English Channel in droves to get snipped. Why? Even though it hasn’t been prosecuted in 40 years, French doctors are leery of risking criminal charges by performing simple vasectomies. According to France’s 19th-century Napoleonic Code, vasectomies fall under a law banning acts of — ‘self-mutilation’. (Like you’re gonna do it yourself — owwwww!)

THE BULL SHEET 08.17.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1943    [57] Robert De Niro, NYC, movie actor (“Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle”, Oscars-“Godfather 2″, “Raging Bull”) NEXT FILM: Plays an aging thief in “The Score” coming out next year.
1960    [40] Sean Penn, Santa Monica CA, film actor (“Sweet and Lowdown”, “Dead Man Walking”)/Mr Robin Wright/ex-Mr Madonna
1964    [36] Colin James (Munn), Regina SK, rock/blues singer/guitarist (& the Little Big BandI-“Jumpin’ From 6 To 6″, “I Just Came Back”)
1967    [33] Steve Gorman, Hopkinsville KY, rock musician (Black Crowes-“Hard to Handle”) NOTE: Band’s tour with Jimmy Page has been canceled because Page is suffering from back injury

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Thriftshop Day”, or as [your co-host] refers to it – ‘Get a New Wardrobe Day’.

Over a half-million visitors are expected for Ottawa’s “Central Canada Exhibition” TODAY-August 27, this year featuring a ‘Live Shark Show’. (Are MPs back from holidays early this year?)
PHONER: 613-237-7222
NET: http://www.the-ex.com

It’s the 12th annual “Winnie’s Hometown Festival” TOMORROW-Sunday in White River ON, celebrating local-bear-made-good, ‘Winnie-the-Pooh’. Get the whole ‘Pooh’ story — fascinating stuff!
PHONER: 807-822-2657
NET: http://wr.lakeheadu.ca/~museum/festival.html

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999    TLC releases hit single “Unpretty”

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1912     [88] 1st ‘drive across Canada’ (Thomas Wilby-Halifax to Victoria in only 52 days!)
1960     [40] 1st ‘birth control pill’ hits the market (Enovid 10)
1990     [10] 1st edition of “The Directory of Elvis Impersonators” is released

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Canadian National Exhibition opens in Toronto
Thanks For All The Gifts Week
National Goat Cheese Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS SIGNS YOU’RE HOOKED ON “SURVIVOR”:

• At last weekend’s family reunion you took a vote every 30 minutes and kicked out one drunken relative.
• Still can’t forgive Preston Manning for starting that ‘Alliance’.
• You can’t understand why no one else at the office brings a flaming torch to staff meetings.
• You’re surprised by the lack of enthusiasm from the folks at McDonalds for a ‘McRat Sandwich’.
• Casual Friday’s BEFORE “Survivor?” Jeans and a T-shirt. Casual Fridays now? Speedo and a smile.

Q: How many US presidents have had an MBA degree?
A: Zero. George W Bush would be the first.
(Source: “New York” magazine)

BS TAG LINE: Only the mediocre are always at their best.


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