August 14, 2000                                           Edition:  #1867

BS SIGNS THIS SUMMER SUCKS SO FAR:
• The biggest boobs you’ve seen on the beach belonged to your Uncle Murray.
• Everyone’s taken a vow of celibacy since June. Or, at least all I’ve asked.
• You’ve watched the “The Practice” Christmas episode 6 times.
• You’ve had to take out a bank loan to pay your water bill.
• It’s been so humid you use your forehead instead of your tongue to lick stamps.
• That bare-assed conniving guttersnipe Richard is still on the island.
• You’ve actually become accustomed to that special sweaty underwear feeling.

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• Still no word on where Madonna gave birth FRIDAY, or how much the baby weighed. But “E! Online” reports that mother, father Guy Ritchie, sister Lourdes and one-month premature new son Rocco are all “safe and sound at an undisclosed location”. (Rocco? Seems Madonna learned baby naming from Bruce Willis!)
• Even though there seems to be no plan to reconcile, “People” mag reports Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid have been spotted together recently, once going to the movies and once going to church. (Where Quaid reportedly gently encouraged her to “Repent you Russell Crowe-lovin’, two-timing slut!”)
• “Q Online” says Eminem is refusing to pay $2 million to settle the $10-million defamation suit his mother Debbie Mathers-Briggs filed against him last year. That means the case goes to court in September. In the past he’s referred to her as an “unstable drug addict” and a “lawsuit-happy druggie”. (And THAT was on Mother’s Day cards!)
• With “The Klumps” doing respectable box office, “Hollywood Reporter” reports that Eddie Murphy is primed to do a 3rd “Nutty Professor” movie — if he can find a decent script. (Hey, it never mattered before — why let that get in the way next time?)
• Seems John Travolta has left his regular-guy roots in the dust. According to “Star”, he has his personal chef cook him Big Macs just like McDonald’s, except big John’s are made with expensive cuts of filet mignon. (The way he’s porking it on he’ll play ‘Chili Palmer’ again in the sequel “Get Fatty”.)
• And here are some Earth-shattering headlines courtesy of the latest edition of the trashy “Weekly World News” – “Book made of human skin is growing real hair!”, “Laughing gas cure for smoking!”, “Man ordered to eat hay because he fed his horse junk food!”, and our fave – “Foil aliens by sleeping on your tummy!”

WHAT DO YOU ARGUE ABOUT?
Hey, every marriage has its tiffs, right? A “McCall’s” magazine poll finds the top subjects that cause marital spats are, in order — money (or the lack thereof), housework (or the lack thereof), sex (or the lack thereof), children (or the lack thereof), and what to do in free time (or the lack thereof).

EVEN GOD IS DOWNSIZING:
TODAY the Anglican Church of Canada begins laying off staff and shutting down some services in an attempt to avoid bankruptcy threatened by the hundreds of lawsuits brought by former students of native residential schools. (So don’t be surprised if your minister begins preaching about the glory of Amway products.)

THE BULL SHEET 08.14.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1941    [59] David Crosby, LA CA, classic rock musician (CS&N-“Suite: Judy Blue Eyes”)/liver recipient/sperm donor father of Melissa Etheridge’s two children
1945    [55] Steve Martin, Waco TX, film actor (“Bowfinger”, “Father of the Bride”)/comedian who’s made the most appearances on “Saturday Night Live” (at least 25)
1950    [50] Gary Larson, Tacoma WA, retired cartoonist whose “The Far Side” calendars, books and cards are still hot sellers
1968    [32] Halle Berry, Cleveland OH, film actress (“X-Men”, “Introducing Dorothy Dandridge”)/driver of the year
1970    [30] Kevin Cadogan, CA, rock musician (Third Eye Blind-“Jumper”, “How’s It Gonna Be”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY-Sunday the 21st “World Footbag Championships” kick in Vancouver, as competitors from athletes from around the world vie for bigtime prize money in footbag (aka ‘Hackeysack’).
PHONER: 604-732-1240 
NET: http://www.footbag.org/worlds/

TODAY-Friday the ‘Canadian National Championship’ is part of the annual “Festival Montgolfieres St-Jean-Richelieu”, Canada’s largest gathering of hot air balloons in St-Jean-sur-Richelieu, Quebec.
PHONER: 450-346-6000 
NET: http://www.montgolfieres.com

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999     “The Sixth Sense” tops the movie box office

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1899    [101] 1st ‘push-button pay telephone’ (Montreal)
1936    [64] 1st Olympic basketball game (USA defeats Canada 19-8 in Berlin)
1958    [42] 1st ‘Canadian Football League’ game (Winnipeg 29, Edmonton 21)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Central Canada Exhibition opens in Ottawa
[Fri] Canadian National Exhibition opens in Toronto
[Sat] Pacific National Exhibition opens in Vancouver
National Aviation Week
Peach Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
MILLIONAIRE CANADIAN-STYLE:

50,000 calls a day on the Canadian “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” phone line (900-630-6000) over the 12-day try-out period (ending August 20) at 2 bucks apiece would come to a tidy sum of $1.2 million. Even after the phone company takes their cut, CTV will be well on the way to covering any payouts it makes to winners. Here’s some actual ‘Fastest Finger’ questions from the contest line . . .
• Put the following sports in order in regard to the size of their playing area from smallest to largest – 1/ baseball 2/ tennis 3/ hockey 4/ boxing [ANSWER: 4231]
• Put the following politicians in order from when they first served as Canadian Prime Minister from the earliest to the most recent . . . 1/ Wilfred Laurier 2/ William Lyon MacKenzie King  3/ Pierre Trudeau  4/ Louis St Laurent [ANSWER: 1243]
• Put the following groups in order based on the number of people singing, from the least to the most . . . 1/ quartet  2/ solo  3/ duet  4/ trio [ANSWER: 2341]

BS TAG LINE: Frog philosophy — time’s fun when you’re having flies!


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