Tuesday, August 19, 2008        Edition: #3839
If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Baffle Them With Bull!

Chinese basketball star Yao Ming (Team China, Houston Rockets) is the financial backer of a huge new music download system in China (NET: http://top100.cn/) . . . Simon Cowell is even a bigger deal over the pond than in America, as evidenced by the new season debut of his “X Factor” talent show in the UK which captured HALF the total TV audience (proves how incredibly limited the choices are on Brit TV) . . . Newly-released documents reveal that, among some 24,000 others, late TV chef Julia Child was a WW2-era spy managed by the OSS (Office of Strategic Services), predecessor of the CIA (well, she was used to keeping recipe secrets) . . . Actor Brad Pitt is endorsing the new ‘Kiehl’s Aloe Vera Biodegradable Liquid Body Cleanser’, out this OCTOBER, in return for 100% of proceeds going to charities such as his Make It Right hurricane relief organization . . . The touchscreen iPhone has proven so lucrative for Apple that the company’s share value has risen an astonishing 44% in 12 months, upping its market value to almost $159 billion, slightly ahead of Google . . . “The Dark Knight” has now surpassed $800 million in worldwide box office, ranking it #19 all-time (still a billion to go to best “Titanic”) . . . Much is being made about singer John Mayer kicking actress Jennifer Aniston to the curb, but according to an insider it was she who dumped he because she simply got tired of his roving eye (okay, is THIS the last word on it?) . . . And 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby daddy, 19-year-old Casey Aldridge, was allegedly cheating on her even while she was 6-months-pregnant, at least according to the self-proclaimed ‘other woman’, 28-year-old Kelli Dawson (this would all be shocking except – this all takes place in South Hicksville, Louisiana).

• AC/DC – After months of speculation, there’s finally an ‘official’ announcement. “Black Ice”, their first studio album in 8 years is out OCTOBER 20th. “Rock ‘N Roll Train”, the album’s first single, debuts AUGUST 28th. Their first world tour since 2001 is coming in late OCTOBER.
• Amy Winehouse – She was booed at Britain’s “V Fest” because she was 20 minutes late for her set. (Just 20 minutes? For her, that’s early!)
• Avril Lavigne – Malaysia’s Islamic opposition party is urging the government to cancel her scheduled AUGUST 29th performance in Kuala Lumpur because her on-stage moves are … ‘too sexy’. (In response, the government is offering free eyeglasses for all politicians.)
• Chris Brown – He says he’s frustrated fans have already heard an unfinished version of a new song called “Electric Guitar”. It’s intended as a duet with his GF Rihanna that would appear on his 3rd album, due NEXT YEAR. But the online leak may scrap that plan.
• Jackson Browne – The singer/songwriter is suing presidential nominee John McCain and the Republican party for using his song “Running On Empty” in a recent TV ad without permission. He’s seeking unspecified damages and a permanent injunction prohibiting the use of his tune. (This happens every election. Why don’t campaigners ever secure proper rights?)
• Ozzy Osbourne – He’s just signed a new deal with Sony for 3 more albums. (Covering the remaining period until he turns 103.)
• 30 Seconds To Mars – Virgin Records claims they haven’t delivered 3 of the 5 albums required by their contract, so it’s suing for breach of contract and damages in excess of $30 million. (As if a milquetoast band has that kind of money.)
• U2 – A leak of 4 tracks from their new album may be Bono’s fault. Seems he was playing the tunes so loudly at his French Riviera vacation home that a fan walking by was able to record them and later (temporarily) upload them to YouTube. Among the leaks: the album’s first single, “Sexy Boots”. The albums is rumored to be titled “No Line On the Horizon”.

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Huey Lewis & The News are onstage.
• Keith Urban – He releases his repackaged “Greatest Hits: 19 Kids”. It includes the new version of “You Look Good in My Shirt”, thereby adding another ‘kid’ to the album’s original 18.
• George Jones – The country icon releases “Burn Your Playhouse Down”, an album of previously unreleased duets with the likes of Dolly Parton, Keith Richards (Rolling Stones), Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits), Tammy Wynette, and Vince Gill.
• Glen Campbell – The country has-been releases an album of cover versions entitled “Meet Glen Campbell“, featuring material that has ‘moved and inspired’ him. That apparently includes tunes by the Foo Fighters, Green Day, John Lennon, Tom Petty, and U2. (This could be the funniest recording since that 1997 Pat Boone album, “In a Metal Mood”.)
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – NERD performs.

• “Camp Rock” ( Musical Comedy ): This Disney TV movie starring the Jonas Bros focuses on a teen girl (Demi Lovato) who only manages to attend a prestigious rock camp by getting a job as a cook. But when she’s overheard singing over a hot stove – guess what? – she’s encouraged to step out of the kitchen and into the spotlight. DVD comes in an ‘Extended Rock Star Edition’.
• “Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds” ( Music Concert ): Miley Cyrus performs during her 54-city SRO tour in Digital 3-D. Also on the bill: the Jonas Bros, Kenny Ortega, and Miley’s pop, Billy Ray Cyrus. Available in a ‘2-Disc Extended Edition’.
• “Prom Night” ( Horror Thriller ): A group of high schoolers are stalked on prom night by a vengeful killer who witnessed the same kids causing a young girl’s ‘accidental’ death years before. Stars Brittany Snow. Remake of the 1980 scream gem.
• “Street Kings” ( Crime Thriller ): Keanu Reeves plays an LAPD detective who vows to do whatever it takes to find his former partner’s killers. Co-stars Chris Evans (“Fantastic Four”), Forest Whitaker (“Last King of Scotland”), and Hugh Laurie (“House MD”). Rappers Common and The Game have bit parts.
• Also released TODAY: “The Fletch Collection” (Comedy); “Gossip Girl: The Complete 1st Season” (TV); “House MD: Season 4“ (TV); “Lonesome Dove: 2-Disc Collector’s Edition” (Western); and “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles – The Complete 1st Season” (TV).

Music and musicians’ fashion fads that will soon be so passé …
• Swooped Hair – First popular in the indie scene, now almost every wannabe rock star seems to tease, dye, and spike their swoop to create a hairstyle that demands attention … even if their music doesn’t. The hair in the face does hide the acne, however.
• Deep V-Necks – We know you love your chest tattoos. Seriously, we get it. That doesn’t mean that it’s okay to wear a T-shirt with a neckline that would be illegal in some countries.
• Full Sleeves – Speaking of tattoos, is there really a need to rush into a ‘full-sleeve’ the week of your 18th birthday? If you must ink your entire bod’, at least get something original.
• Pop Covers – It was a funny novelty … for about a minute. But punk bands covering pop classics (ie: Fall Out Boy’s “Beat It”) has already become so last year.
• Song Titles That Are Really Long Run-On Sentences That Are Totally Unnecessary and Distracting and Too Long As Well – Panic! At The Disco’s “The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage”, for instance. Whatever happened to “One”?
– adapted from Gibson.com

Complaints about the vile odor coming from landfills in the metropolis of Mumbai, India (at 13 million, the 2nd largest city in the world) have led engineers to develop an at least temporary solution …. spraying perfume. Over the past 6 months, some 42,000 liters (11,100 gallons) of an herbal perfume costing $115,000 is being sprayed on 2 city dumps on an almost daily basis. Scenting the garbage has apparently helped, as residents are complaining less. Municipal engineers say the process will continue until a long-term solution is found. (This is about as effective as a sweaty fat guy plastering on cologne.)
– “Curious Times”

An inflatable artwork has caused extensive damage after being blown away from a museum in Bern, Switzerland. The sculpture by American artist Paul McCarthy, entitled ‘Complex Sh–‘, is an air-filled representation of … gigantic turds. It was equipped with a safety system that should have deflated it when it became untethered but that apparently failed. The windblown crap brought down a power line and broke a greenhouse window before finally crash-landing. The fake feces has been returned and will remain on display at the Zentrum Paul Klee until OCTOBER. (Now the museum curator is in deep sh–.)
– BBC World

Before you head off for your next Botox injection you might want to know this little tidbit of information … Botulinum Toxin (bo+tox = botox) is one of the most poisonous naturally occurring substances on Earth. As little as 1 microgram in the pure form is lethal to humans and eating food contaminated with it will put you in the hospital and might very well kill you. (At least you’ll have a wrinkle-free corpse!)
– Listverse.com

A British great-grandmother, 102-year-old Ivy Bean, has most likely become the ‘Oldest Person on Facebook’. Staff at her care home in Yorkshire helped her set up an account and she now uses it to keep in touch with friends and family. (Unfortunately, her ‘friend list’ is mostly dead.)
– “The Sun”

• As a baby name, ‘August’ ranked 607th in popularity LAST YEAR. ‘Summer’ was #158.
– BabyNameWizard.com
• Democrats who appear on Stephen Colbert’s “The Colbert Report” (Comedy Central) average a 40% increase in contributions in the 30 days afterward.
– MediaPost.com
1946 [62] Bill Clinton, Hope AR, 42nd US President (1993-2001)/best-selling author (“My Life”)

1951 [57] John Deacon, Leicester UK, retired classic rock bassist (Queen-“Bohemian Rhapsody”, “Another One Bites the Dust“)

1963 [45] John Stamos (Stamotopoulos), Cypress CA, TV actor (‘Dr Tony Gates’ on “ER” since 2005, “Jake in Progress” 2005-06, “Full House” 1987-1995)

1965 [43] Kevin Dillon, Mamaroneck NY, TV actor (‘Johnny Chase’ on “Entourage” since 2004)/brother of actor Matt Dillon

1965 [43] Kyra Sedgwick, TV actress (‘Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson’ on “The Closer” since 2005)/Mrs Kevin Bacon since 1988

1966 [41] Lee Ann Womack, Jacksonville TX, 5′-1″ country singer (“I May Hate Myself In the Morning”, “I Hope You Dance”)

1969 [39] Matthew Perry, Williamstown MA [raised Ottawa ON], former TV actor (“Friends” 1994-2004)/movie actor (“The Whole Nine Yards”)

1969 [39] Clay Walker, Beaumont TX, country singer (“Fall”, “The Chain of Love”)

1970 [38] Fat Joe (Joseph Cartagena), Bronx NY, rapper (f/Remy Ma-“Lean Back”, f/Ja Rule & Ashanti-“What’s Luv?”)

• “Afghan Independence Day“, celebrating the country of Afghanistan gaining full independence from the United Kingdom in 1919. (Only to be invaded like 87 times afterward.)

• “Aviation Day”, an annual observance honoring the birthday of Orville Wright, who piloted the first self-powered flight in history on December 17, 1903. (Older brother Wilbur got to run along beside while Orville kept yelling, “Look at me, look at me!”)

• “National Truck Driving Championships” in Houston TX through SATURDAY. Hundreds of professional truckers vie for the top honor of ‘National Grand Champion’ in the 71st annual competition.
NET: http://www.truckline.com/2k8ntdc/index.aspx

2005 [03] “The 40 Year-Old Virgin”, starring Steve Carell, opens in movie theaters (making Seth Rogen a comedy star)

1951 [57] 1st (and last) midget in Major League Baseball is used as a pinch-hitter (3-foot, 7-inch Eddie Gaedel gets a walk for the St Louis Browns … “High! Ball four!”)

1962 [46] Homer Blancos records the ‘Best-Ever Score in Competitive Golf’, shooting a 55 for 18 holes (Premier Invitational Tournament in Longview TX)

[Wed] Potato Day
[Wed] Radio Day
[Wed] “Rocker” opens in movie theaters
[Thurs-Sept 1] Montréal World Film Festival 2008
[Thurs] Spumoni Day
[Fri] Tooth Fairy Day
This Week Is … Freedom of Enterprise Week
This Month Is … Foot Health Month

The ‘Olympet Games’ are in full swing in Hong Kong. Organized by the city’s largest pet store, its not-so-Olympian events include ‘Canine Tug-of-War’ and a track event that involves parrots racing each other up a rope. The following events are NOT included, but maybe should be …
• Butt Sniff Relay
• Long-Distance Hairball
• 10,000-Meter Car Chase
• Synchronized Frisbee Catch
• Cat-On-a-Leash Slalom
• Canine Triathlon (eating, peeing, crapping)
• Rhythmic Leg Hump

What’s the dumbest purchase you’ve ever made?

Are the following statements about the Summer Games true or just a load of hooey?
• All athletes competed nude at the ancient Olympics. [TRUE]
• At the first modern Olympic Games in Athens in 1896, silver medals were awarded to the winners and bronze to those in 2nd place. [TRUE]
• In the ancient Olympics, the philosopher Plato was a double winner in synchronized thinking. [BS]
• More athletes than spectators attended the 1900 Paris Olympic Games. [TRUE]
• At the first modern games in 1896, a total of 50 men and 50 women competed. [BS. No women competed, as IOC founder Pierre de Coubertin thought their inclusion would be ‘incorrect, impractical, uninteresting, and unaesthetic’. Obviously he hadn’t witnessed Beach Volleyball.]
– adapted from TopEndSports.com

• “Squirrels – Satan’s Secret Army!”
• “Mummified!: The Makeup Techniques of Pam Anderson”
• “When Animals Can’t Digest Doritos”
• “Wildflowers of the Antarctic: We Got There, There Weren’t Any, But We Made a Show About it Anyway”
• “National Geographic’s Naked Fat Guys at the Beach”
• “Stuff That Was Too Boring Even for the CBC/PBS”

I call my dog ‘Blacksmith’ because every time I have a visitor he makes a bolt for the door.

Today’s Question: Taller men have more of THESE than shorter men; but shorter women have more than taller women.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Children.

Never return a kindness … pass it on.

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