Thursday, August 7, 2008        Edition: #3831
Get a Load of This Sheet!

23-year-old actress Keira Knightley reveals she had to get drunk to audition as ‘Eliza Doolittle’ for the upcoming movie remake of “My Fair Lady“ because it was the only way she’d feeling comfortable singing – and apparently it worked! (Audrey Hepburn must be rolling over in her urn) . . . “The Dark Knight” has broken the $400-million domestic box office mark in just 18 days, clobbering the previous record of 43 days by “Shrek 2” (worldwide “Bat” box is now over $600 million) . . . Elvis’ spawn Lisa Marie Presley has jumped on the bandwagon and announced she’s expecting twins – like everyone else in La-La Land (a way to double those ‘exclusive first photo’ fees?) . . . Actress Lindsay Lohan has reportedly slipped into Miami to hang with the parents of GF Samantha Ronson (could those pending wedding reports actually be true?) . . . Actress Scarlett Johansson says kissing Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen’s new comedy “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” (out AUGUST 15th) was the ‘least sexy thing you could imagine’, thanks to a crew of about 60 watching (well, that IS kinky then) . . . PETA campaigner Pamela Anderson says she’s proud of Canadian KFCs for being the first in the world to adopt more humane ways of killing chickens and to offer a veggie ‘faux chicken’ sandwich (unfortunately, it’s the only thing that DOESN’T ‘taste like chicken’) . . . Fashion mogul Tommy Hilfiger’s wedding to GF Dee Ocleppo (previously linked to Bruce Willis & Prince Albert of Monaco) scheduled for the Caribbean island of Mustique has been called off at the last minute due to an ‘amicable’ split-up (she thought the designer gown sucked?) . . . And Hollywood couple Reese Witherspoon & Jake Gyllenhaal are now denying all those Christmas wedding rumors that were floated online earlier in the week (maybe he finally focused on her incredibly pointy chin … and freaked?).

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Leona Lewis sings a medley of her greatest hit.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Rock band From First To Last (“Worlds Away”) performs.
• “Kathy Griffin: My Life On the D-List” (Bravo) – Kathy visits Silicon Valley with boyfriend-Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, but things quickly go south for the couple.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Country singer Shooter Jennings (“This Ol’ Wheel”) is the guest.
• “Last Comic Standing” (NBC/Global) – Both John McCain & Barack Obama have filmed ‘fake’ campaign commercials to air during the Las Vegas finalé. Jon Lovitz and last season’s winner, Jon Reep, perform; then the winner is revealed.
• “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC) – 1970s soul singer Al Green performs.
• NFL Pre-Season Football (NBC/CBS) – How cruel. They just do this to remind us that Summer is too-quickly coming to an end, right?
• The Police – At NYC’s Madison Square Garden, it’s their last-ever show. Proceeds benefit public television stations. Opening act is The B-52s.
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – The Jonas Bros and the cast of Cirque du Soleil entertain before a winner is crowned in the season finalé.

• Britney Spears – She’s vehemently denying she brokered a deal with paparazzi to take pics of her during her recent vacation in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico in order to get a cut of the sale price. (BS translation: Daddy set it up.)
• Brooks & Dunn – The country duo now have their very own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, after unveiling the 2,367th such marker along the sidewalks of Hollywood & Vine.
• Elvis Presley – A new album due OCTOBER 14th, entitled “Elvis Presley Christmas Duets”, will feature present-day singers electronically paired up with ‘The King’ on some of his holiday classics. Among those involved: Anne Murray, Gretchen Wilson, Martina McBride, Sara Evans, and Wynonna; as well as Carrie Underwood and LeAnn Rimes … who weren’t even born yet when Elvis died in 1977.
• Jonas Bros – They’ve announced their new Disney Channel show, which begins shooting in about 7 weeks, has changed formats and will now be more like HBO’s “Flight Of the Conchords”. (Ah, in that case … we’re still not watching.)
• Maroon 5 – 29-year-old frontman Adam Levine says he wants to quit music within 10 years’ time because he doesn’t want to become a dinosaur rocker like the Rolling Stones. (Like Maroon 5 is gonna be around in a decade.)
• Rihanna – She’s sparked rumors she is engaged to singer-BF Chris Brown after being photographed wearing a diamond ring.
• Smashing Pumpkins – Billy Corgan is reportedly so miffed by video taken of his 2003-05 live gigs and studio sessions, that he’s suing the videographer for more than $100,000 in damages. (Dude, you can’t blame UPS for what’s in the package.)

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “Batman” sequel – For the next, as-yet-untitled installment in the series, Johnny Depp is being sought to play villain ‘The Riddler’ (played by Jim Carrey in 1995’s “Batman Forever”). And word has it producers would like Oscar-winner Philip Seymour Hoffman (“Capote”) to play another of the ‘Caped Crusader’s arch-foes, ‘Penguin’ (Danny DeVito’s role in 1992’s “Batman Returns”).
• “Jurassic Park IV” – Yet another sequel is currently ‘in production’ with screenwriters working on a script. Many question whether a 4th film is necessary, particularly following what many call a disastrous 3rd installment in the franchise. Are you up for escaped dinosaurs again?
• “Lenin’s Brain” – Leonardo DiCaprio is reportedly in talks to play Russian revolutionary Vladimir Lenin in this upcoming bio-film. The picture will be directed by Russian moviemaker Alexander Der Borodyansky, who says Leo is perfect for the part because of his striking physical resemblance to the communist leader, who died in 1924.
• “The Man Who Killed Don Quixote“ – Filmmaker Terry Gilliam says he’ll revive this abandoned project as soon as Johnny Depp is available to start filming. The movie was shelved 8 years ago after just 1 week of shooting due to a string of disasters while on location in Spain. However, it now looks as if production will begin again sometime before Summer 2009.

The parasitic protozoa Toxoplasma gondii, which normally lives in cat, can also infect humans.  The rate of infection can vary wildly from country-to-country. For instance, only 3% of South Koreans are infected, while an estimated 80% of the French are carriers. Researcher believe Toxoplasmosis can make people more likely to be schizophrenic and can change personality in subtle ways. One researcher has found that infected men are more aggressive and jealous, while women were more outgoing. Both genders exhibit slower reaction times and are involved in more traffic accidents. (Is this what makes a French waiter’s nose rise?)
– “Discover Magazine”

According to a hair products survey, the average woman fusses with her hair at home for 33 minutes per day and then ‘thinks’ about it a further 43 minutes per day. Other highlights of the poll of women …
• 65% admit to fixing their hair in the rearview mirror … while driving.
• 41% wish they had someone else’s hair.
• 40% claim they’ve changed their hairstyle in order to please a guy.
• 20% would give up the options of ‘great love life’ or ‘personal wealth’ in return for ‘perfect hair’.
– Reuters

With over 20 million people in its extended metropolitan area, Shanghai is China’s most populated city. And with an area of nearly 5,300 sq km (2,046 sq mi), it is also one of the world’s largest urban areas … and it’s growing fast. On the 3rd floor of the Shanghai Urban Planning Museum, there is what probably ranks as the world’s largest scale model of a city. The room-sized model of central Shanghai, as envisioned by urban planners for the year 2020, fills an area greater than 100 square meters or 1,000 square feet. (It’s Lego for adults.)

A new ranking of the most terrible tunes to ever top the charts …
10. “My Heart Will Go On” – Celine Dion (1997)
9. “La Macarena” – Los Del Rio (1996)
8. “Ebony & Ivory” – Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder (1982)
7. “I’m Too Sexy” – Right Said Fred (1992)
6. “I Am Woman” – Helen Reddy (1972)
5. “U Can’t Touch This” – MC Hammer (1990)
4. “Barbie Girl” – Aqua (1997)
3. “She Bangs” – Ricky Martin (2000)
2. “Ice, Ice Baby” – Vanilla Ice (1991)
1. “Who Let the Dogs Out?” – Baha Men (2000)

• In the early days of the oil biz, gasoline, a by-product of petroleum distillation to produce kerosene, wasn’t much in demand. It was a cheap product used to treat lice and a solvent to remove grease stains from clothing. In fact, gasoline was so cheap that oil companies used to dump it in rivers to get rid of it. (Doesn’t that further endear them to you?)
• Names beginning with the letter ‘J’ didn’t make it into the latest top 10 list of the most popular baby girl names. In fact, a ‘J’ name doesn’t appear until #43. (What’s happened to all the Jessicas and Jennifers?)

1942 [66] Garrison Keillor, Anoka MN, public radio host (“A Prairie Home Companion” since 1974)/author (“Radio Days”, “Lake Wobegon Days”)/Radio Hall of Fame (1994)

1960 [48] David Duchovny, NYC, movie actor (“X-Files: I Want to Believe”, “Zoolander”)/TV actor (‘Hank Moody’ on Californication” 2007, ‘Fox Mulder’ on “The X Files” 1993-2002)/Mr Tea Leoni since 1997

1963 [45] Harold Perrineau Jr, Brooklyn NY, TV actor (“Lost” since 2004)/movie actor (“The Matrix” trilogy)

1975 [33] Charlize Theron, Benoni, South Africa, movie actress (“Hancock”, 2003 Academy Award-“Monster”)  COMING UP: The sequel, “The Brazilian Job”, due in 2009.

1987 [21] Sydney Crosby, Cole Harbour NS, NHL center (Pittsburgh Penguins since 2005)

• “Edmonton Folk Music Festival”, the 28th annual through SUNDAY in Edmonton’s downtown Gallagher Park. This year’s line-up includes Broken Social Scene, Chris Isaak, Joan Osborne, Martha Wainwright, and Ron Sexsmith among many others.

• “Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day”, an annual observance to draw attention to the environmentally unfriendly over-packaging of consumer goods. Which do you think are the most over-packaged products? Toys in ‘blisterpacks’? Fruit in shrink-wrapped trays? Pain-killers in layer upon layer of packaging?

1995 [13] 27-year-old Playmate-cum-gold-digger Anna Nicole Smith wears low-cut, side-slit white gown to the funeral of her 90-year-old husband, oil tycoon J Howard Marshall

1997 [11] Garth Brooks plays to a crowd estimated at 750,000 in NYC’s Central Park, ranked the 3rd-largest concert audience of all-time (over 15 million watch on HBO)

1888 [120] 1st ‘Revolving Door’ is invented by Theophilus Van Kannel of Philadelphia (later perfected by radio)

1891 [117] 1st ‘Telephoto Lens’ patented (next day, a picture of Queen Victoria sunbathing topless appears in tabloids)

1929 [79] Charles Leiper Grigg of St Louis MO introduces the new soft drink ‘Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Soda’, which he fortunately later re-names ‘7-Up’ (no one knows the real story of how that name came about)

2007 [01] Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants breaks baseball great Hank Aaron’s MLB career record by hitting his 756th home run (he’s likely finished his career with a total of 762)

[Fri] Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremonies
[Fri] Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
[Fri] Toby Keith’s “Beer for My Horses” open in movie theaters
[Fri-Sun] Summer Sonic Festival (Tokyo/Osaka, Japan)
[Fri-Sun] All Points West Festival (NJ)
[Fri-Sun] Newport Jazz Festival (Newport RI)
[Sat-Sun] Virgin Mobile Festival (Baltimore MD)
[Sat-Aug 17] Elvis Week (Memphis TN)
[Sat] Book Lovers Day
[Sat] International Art Appreciation Day
[Sat] Garage Sale Day
This Week Is … Smile Week
This Month Is … What Will Be Your Legacy Month

10. What’s your company’s policy on severance pay?
9. How long does it take your company’s bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?
8. Do you have a random drug testing policy?
7. Does your company’s life insurance cover suicide?
6. How in-depth are your criminal background checks?
5. Does your company’s insurance consider genital herpes a ‘pre-existing condition’?
4. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying for not being here?
3. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?
2. Does your Internet access have a firewall that blocks adult websites?
1. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?
– “Look At This …”

No means no. So does pepper spray.

The tongue-in-check online ‘Boy Scout Store’ sells merit badges for accomplishments that would never be listed in the official “Boy Scout Manual”. Among them: Adult Beverage Drinking; Belching; Blogging; Cat Herding; Cow Tipping; Going Bald; Snoring; and Texting. Each costs a measly $1.65. As many of you know … scouting was never this fun!

• Shouldn’t a ‘French kiss’ be when you peck someone on either cheek?
• Should animal shampoo be tested on humans?
• Where the heck does the ‘o’ come from when we abbreviate the word ‘number’?
• If someone who can’t count finds a 4-leaf clover, is it still lucky?
• When someone is yelling at you in sign language, do you just close your eyes?
• How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?

While walking through a shopping center parking lot on a steamy summer afternoon, you notice a dog suffering badly from the heat inside a locked car. What would you do?

Today’s Question: In a recent poll, women were asked to rank things they consider romantic. Candlelight dinners came out on top; and THIS ranked #2.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Picnics.

Money buys a pretty dog, but not the wag of its tail.

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