Wednesday, August 6, 2008      Edition: #3830
Avoid Sheet Fits – Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription!

71-year-old movie actor Morgan Freeman is in good spirits and expected to fully recover from a broken shoulder & arm suffered in that auto accident SUNDAY in Mississippi (maybe rolling a car was on his “Bucket List”?) . . . At a movie props sale by Hollywood auction house Profiles In History, the axe used by Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” (1980) went for $25,000; Charlton Heston’s stone tablets from “The Ten Commandments” (1956) fetched $60,000; a hoverboard ridden by Michael J Fox in “Back To the Future” (1985) went for $55,000; and an 18-inch model spacecraft used in the filming of the original “Star Wars” (1977) has sold for a whopping $350,000 . . . The new documentary, “It Might Get Loud“, focusing on Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page, U2 axeman The Edge, and White Stripes’ Jack White will premiere this SEPTEMBER at the “Toronto International Film Festival”, according to “Variety” . . . “American Idol” has staged open auditions for its 8th season in San Juan, Puerto Rico for the first time, but things didn’t go so well – only about 300 wannabes reportedly showed up (an omen?) . . . A shyster representing 22-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen says she’s now provided the DEA with everything she knows about actor Heath Ledger’s death, refuting earlier reports suggesting she was demanding complete immunity first (that would make you wonder what she’s hiding, no?) . . . And Robin Williams is hitting the road for his first standup comedy tour in 6 years, purportedly because ‘the current political climate in America is too funny to pass up’ (BS translation: I’ve now been to rehab so many times I can’t get a movie role).

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Country phenom Taylor Swift entertains.
• “Hard Knocks: Training Camp With the Dallas Cowboys“ (HBO) – QB Tony Romo gets a visit from GF Jessica Simpson. (Fumbling ensues.)
• Kenny Chesney – He headlines TONIGHT’s “Rock’N the Rally” entertainment at “Sturgis Bike Week”, the 68th annual motorcycle rally in Sturgis SD. Others performing during the week include Dierks Bentley, Sugarland, and ZZ Top.
• “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC) – The B-52’s perform “Hot Corner”, a track from their recent album “Funplex”.
• “Project Runway” (Bravo) – The designers create sports-themed outfits. (Nice jockstrap!)
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – The remaining 4 take the floor in a 2-hour show.

• AFI – Frontman Davey Havok has launched ‘Zu Boutique’, a new fashion line of limited edition T-shirts. Only 100 numbered shirts will be printed in each design.
• Bon Jovi – Virgin Mobile will sponsor a free concert to celebrate the Philadelphia Soul’s Arena Football League championship earlier THIS MONTH. Jon Bon Jovi is majority owner of the team. Details about location and date are yet to be revealed.
• 50 Cent – In a temporary custody deal with former girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins, he’s spending 10 days with his 11-year-old son, Marquise, at his sprawling Connecticut estate before leaving to shoot a movie overseas. Fiddy previously accused his ex- of ‘kidnapping’ their boy.
• Joss Stone – The 22-year-old Brit soul singer has lined up her first TV acting role, playing ‘Anne of Cleves’ in the upcoming 3rd season of “The Tudors” (BBC2/Showtime/CBC), which chronicles the reign of Henry VIII (Jonathan Rhys Myers).
• Miley Cyrus – The person that purportedly hacked her cellphone has released a new batch of racy photos … and promises even more in the future. (Have we reached ‘overkill’ yet?)
• Stooges – Iggy Pop’s band has had a truckload of instruments worth thousands highjacked after playing a gig in Montréal. The theft comes just as they’re due to embark on a European tour, including a performance at the “Loaded In the Park” concert in London.

• “Pineapple Express” ( R-Rated Crime Comedy ): Seth Rogen (“Knocked Up”) & James Franco (“Spider-Man 3”) play a stoner & his dealer who hit the road trying to outrun a gang of corrupt cops. Co-stars Amber Heard, Gary Cole, and Rosie Perez. Another raunchy comedy from Rogen & his producer/screenwriter partner, Evan Goldberg (“Superbad”, “Knocked Up”, “Da Ali G Show”).
• “The Sisterhood Of the Traveling Pants 2” ( PG-13 Adventure Comedy ): Thanks to contractual requirements, all 4 original castmates – Alexis Bledel (“Gilmore Girls” 2000-07), America Ferrera (“Ugly Betty”), Amber Tamblyn (“Joan of Arcadia” 2003-05), and Blake Lively (“Gossip Girl”) – return for this sequel to the 2005 film, which is an adaptation of the 4th book in Ann Brashares’ popular series of novels. This time, they reunite during their 1st year of college in a Greek village in a bid to locate their missing pair of magical jeans.

A team of forensic psychiatrists in Michigan claims that criminals who sport tattoos have a 73% chance of suffering from anti-social personality disorder (ASPD), making them prone to pathological lying, cheating, stealing, physical aggression, and drug abuse. Similar research in Glasgow, Scotland has found that tattooed university students have poorer study skills and are more likely to have substance abuse problems than students without tats. (That’s why I’ve had all my body art done with invisible ink.)
– “Sunday Herald”

According to a new ranking, here’s 2008’s top take-home pay for TV actors …
3. Mariska Hargitay, “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” – $400,000 per episode.
2. William Petersen, “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” – $600,000 per episode.
1. Charlie Sheen, “Two & a Half Men – $825,000 per episode, including income from ownership rights.
– “TV Guide”

Japanese women have been going ga-ga over the ‘Boyfriend Arm Pillow’, a snuggly alternative to the real thing. The bed buddy comes with his own shirts and an optional vibrating alarm function to gently shake the owner awake. The faux-BF is currently only available in Japan but there are plans to export. Advantages of having a fake bed buddy – he won’t stay out late, he doesn’t snore, and he won’t hog the blankets. (And odds are you won’t get pregnant.)

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Defriend’ – To remove someone from your ‘friends’ list on a social networking site. (“I defriended Melissa after she posted those embarrassing pics on her Facebook page.”)
• ‘DWT’ – Driving While Texting messages. (“That cop sure was an SOB. He charged me with DUI and DWT.”)
• ‘Get Her Jersey’ – To obtain a female’s name and phone number. (“I saw you talking to that blonde babe … did you get her jersey?”)
• ‘Schlumpadinka’ – A woman who has let herself go. (“Seen Kate Hudson lately? She’s become a real schlumpadinka after splitting up with Lance.”)

A new study of some 30 billion instant messages between 180 million people around-the-world has found that there is an average of 6.6 steps between any 2 people using Microsoft’s instant messaging. While the largest separation between 2 users is 29 steps, the study finds that 78% can be connected in less than 7. The last experiment of this ilk, conducted in 2003, found that it took 5-to-7 steps to find a stranger via e-mail. (Riveting. But there’s still no cure for cancer.)

Crankiness is just your brain’s response to outside stimuli, so if you change the stimuli, you can change your mood. Here are a few tips on how to do it …
• Fabricate a Smile – Just try to remain angry with a smile on your face … it’s impossible!
• Clean Up – Visual confusion makes us uneasy. Tidying your work or living space will calm you.
• Wear Blue – The color is naturally relaxing, the reason shrinks tell patients to stare at the sky.
• Make Music – Hearing your favorite tunes will energize, motivate, and relax you.
• Diversify Diet – Throw your tastebuds a change-up. Even varying food textures works.
• Snort Something – Pleasant smells (fresh fruit, a rainstorm, just-mowed grass) can help turn your mood around.
• Touch Someone – Skin-to-skin contact is a natural upper. If no one else is around, pet your pup .. skin-to-fur works too.
– “Men’s Health”

 A study published in the  “Archives of Facial Plastic Surgery” surveys both plastic surgery patients and non-patients about … noses. They were asked to select their favorites from several ‘nasal profiles’ presented in pictures. The best beak? According to the participants, the ideal nose is not too prominent, with a modest scoop at the bridge and a slightly upturned tip. (Not to mention hair-free.)
– “Social Studies”

A recent University of Wisconsin study shows that we take almost 500 more steps and burn an average 25 more calories when we wear jeans to work. (Blue jeans … the healthy alternative!)
– “Oxygen Magazine”

1962 [46] Michelle Yeoh (Yeoh Chu-Kheng), Ipoh, Malaysia, movie actress (“Memoirs Of a Geisha”, “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”)

1965 [43] Jeremy Ratchford, Kitchener ON, TV actor (‘Nick Vera’ on “Cold Case” since 2003)/movie actor (“Leatherheads”)

1970 [38] M Night (Manoj Nelliyattu) Shyamalan, Pondicherry, India, movie director (“The Village”, “The Sixth Sense” [opened this day in 1999])/screenwriter (“Stuart Little”)

1972 [36] Geri Halliwell, Watford UK, retired pop singer (Spice Girls-“Goodbye”, “Wannabe”)

• “Fresh Breath Day”, a gentle reminder for [your co-host]. If you’re average, you have over 10 billion bacteria in your mouth right now. Some of them churn out truly stinky chemicals such as hydrogen sulphide, the same gas that gives rotten eggs their odor. Some germs release putrescine, another sulfurous compound that has the essence of rotting meat. Ask listeners for old folk remedies for bad breath like chewing cloves or scraping your tongue with a spoon.

• “Miss Crustacean USA” pageant creeps into Ocean City NJ, an annual competition where judges try to find the sexiest hermit crab (“Geez, look at the feelers on that baby!”). The winner parades the stage to the strains of “Here she comes, Miss Crustacean . . .”

• “Pamper Yourself Day”. If you were to be given any free luxury treatment you wanted, which would you pick? Massage? Steam room? Pedicure? Chocolate bath?

• “Royal St John’s Regatta”, the 192nd annual on Quidi Vidi Lake in Newfoundland. It’s the oldest continuing sporting event in North America and regularly draws over 50,000 spectators. “Regatta Day” is a public holiday in the St John’s metro area … but only if the weather’s good enough for the races to run. You have to listen to the radio to see if it’s on or not!

• “Wiggle Your Toes Day” in celebration of “Foot Health Month”. Slippers are officially OK today!

2003 [05] Movie actor Arnold Schwarzenegger officially announces his (successful) bid to replace California governor Gray Davis on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC)

2004 [04] Funk legend Rick James (“Super Freak”) is found dead in his LA home by a caretaker at age 56

1926 [82] “Don Juan” becomes the ’First Movie With Sound’ (no dialogue, just music and SFX)

1961 [47] 1st case of ‘Motion Sickness in Space’ (Russian cosmonaut Gherman Titov tosses his cookies)

[Thurs] Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day
[Thurs] The Police last-ever show (NYC)
[Thurs] Edmonton Folk Fest begins
[Fri] Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
[Fri] Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremonies
[Fri] Toby Keith’s “Beer For My Horses” opens in movie theaters
This Week Is … Turtles International Awareness Week
This Month Is … Home Business Month

• Turtles can actually attack fairly fast if you keep annoying them with a paddle.
• You should never play a prank on a cabin full of Ninja wannabes.
• It’s impossible to determine if ‘Batman’ could beat the ‘Hulk’ in a fight.
• It doesn’t need to be either meat or loaf for the dining hall to call it ‘meatloaf’.
• The secret route to the girls’ cabin … isn’t.
• Trying to put a raccoon in a headlock isn’t as easy as it sounds.
• The water level of the lake rises whenever someone flushes the toilet.
• Frog sushi isn’t all that good.

Knowing you had a 50% chance of winning and would be paid 10-times the amount of your bet if you won, what fraction of what you now own would you be willing to wager?

Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – Good day to let down old friends who need help.
• Taurus – Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don’t actually know your new friend that well yet.
• Gemini – You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an evil laugh to use instead.
• Cancer – You will be successful with your new project. Although why you’d want to produce a cross between a St Bernard and a Chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
• Leo – Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You’ll find it works out a lot better than the sad-go-loser you’ve been trying.
• Virgo – Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember … gruntled people are more fun!
• Libra – Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-size pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone’s office window.
• Scorpio – Nothing unusual coming up today, unless you count that episode with the iguana …
• Sagittarius – Today will be mostly OK, except that you’ll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase “Be careful, filling is hot!”.
• Capricorn – While attending a seance just for fun, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
• Aquarius – You will accidentally discover why it is that so many things taste like chicken. It’s because they ARE chickens … in clever disguises.
• Pisces – You will become trapped in the sofa … again. People will point and laugh.
– Adapted & condensed from

We have to keep building stuff in order to stave off unemployment for long-haired, tattooed guys.

Today’s Question: A study shows that women are more likely than men to do THIS while on vacation.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Cheat on their mate.

You can’t buy happiness … but you can lease it.

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