Friday, August 8, 2008        Edition: #3832
It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

Just days after 71-year-old actor Morgan Freeman was seriously injured in an auto accident comes news his wife of 24 years is divorcing him (that’s what happens when you crash your car containing an ‘unidentified female’) . . . Actress Jennifer Aniston is denying tabloid stories saying she’s engaged to singer John Mayer (just in case anyone writes any) . . . Retired adult film star Jenna Jameson is pregnant (the potential father has been narrowed to a database of 4 million) . . . Mary-Kate Olsen has now been subpoenaed to testify in front of a Grand Jury as investigators hope to end the mystery surrounding actor Heath Ledger’s drug overdose death (the girl’s worth like a 100-million so she’ll lawyer up bigtime to get out of it) . . . 30-year-old actress/model Eva Mendes is refusing to talk about her recent stint in rehab for ‘personal issues’ because she fears it would upset her mom (“You did what??!?”) . . . Hindu leaders are now asking actor Mike Myers to personally apologize for lampooning their religion in his latest movie, “The Love Guru” (guys, it was a career-killing bomb – isn’t that humiliating enough?) . . . Actress Angelina Jolie says she plans to build a TB/AIDS clinic in Ethiopia for her daughter Zahara to take over when she’s older (thanks for planning my life, mom) . . . And a new “Rolling Stone” magazine poll that asks which are the all-time best ‘final albums’ is topped by The Beatles’ “Abbey Road”; Jimi Hendrix’s “Electric Ladyland”; and Nirvana’s “In Utero” (we’ll vote for Jessica Simpson – if she’ll agree to make her latest her last).

• “All Points West Music & Arts Festival” – TODAY through Sunday at Liberty State Park near Jersey City NJ. The new event, established by the same company behind California’s annual “Coachella Festival”, is headlined by Radiohead and Jack Johnson.
• “Gone Country” (CMT) – TONIGHT John Rich (Big & Rich) hosts as the 2nd season debut introduces 7 more celebs attempting to cross over as a country star. The new cast includes rocker Sebastian Bach (ex-Skid Row); singer/actress Irene Cara (“Fame”); Jermaine Jackson (Jackson 5); and Chris Kirkpatrick (*NSYNC).
• “Newport Jazz Festival” – THIS WEEKEND’s 2008 edition in Newport RI is highlighted with performances by ‘Queen of Soul’ Aretha Franklin and 2008 Grammy-winner Herbie Hancock.
• “Summer Sonic Festival” – The lineup TODAY through Sunday in Tokyo/Osaka, Japan includes  Alicia Keys, Coldplay, Devo, Panic! At The Disco, the Sex Pistols, and The Verve.
• “Virgin Mobile Festival” – SATURDAY-SUNDAY the 40-act, US version of the Virgin series of festivals rocks the Pimlico Race Course in Baltimore MD with a lineup that includes Foo Fighters, Jack Johnson, Kanye West, Nine Inch Nails, and Stone Temple Pilots among others.

• Celine Dion – THIS MORNING she performs live on the “Today Show” (NBC).
• Chris Cornell – TONIGHT the former Audioslave rocker does the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).
• Fall Out Boy – Pete Wentz has just put his Hollywood Hills bachelor pad on the market for a tad under $1.8 million. (Seems Ashlee has better digs.)
• Jonas Brothers – THIS MORNING they do “Good Morning America” (ABC).
• Kid Rock/Lynyrd Skynyrd – TONIGHT they kick off the “Rock & Rebels” amphitheater tour in Oklahoma City OK. It’s their first tour together.
• Madonna – Her upcoming “Sticky & Sweet” tour is going very high-end! Costumes will be designed by Givenchy, Miu Miu, Stella McCartney, Yves Saint Laurent, Roberto Cavalli, and Moschino.
• Toby Keith – TONIGHT he promotes his new movie on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).

• “Beer for My Horses” ( PG-13 Comedy ): Country star Toby Keith’s follow-up to his 2006 debut film, “Broken Bridges”, is a road comedy about a pair of small-town deputies (Keith & comedian Rodney Carrington). In addition to starring in the film, Keith also co-wrote and produced it. Co-stars Willie Nelson, Ted Nugent, and Gina Gershon. The title comes from the hit 2003 duet he recorded with Nelson. The soundtrack album will be released TUESDAY.

The latest conspiracy theory making the rounds online is that the spacecraft ‘Phoenix’, now analyzing soil and ice on the arctic plains of Mars, has discovered chemicals so startling and so relevant to the search for life on the planet that the White House and the president’s science advisers have been secretly briefed, even though NASA will not share the info with the public. NASA has mobilized its PR machinery to counter the buzz, which is apparently based on the news that ‘perchlorates’ – chemicals that may or may not have anything to do with Martian life – have been detected. (Let’s send Paris Hilton to find out!)
– “San Francisco Chronicle“

Some of the half-baked schemes that have been hatched by so-called ‘geo-engineers’ to combat global warming include: spraying sea water into the atmosphere to make it cloudier; using rockets to launch tons of sulphur into the stratosphere, creating sort of a planetary sunscreen; and placing millions of tiny mirrors into orbit around Earth to reflect back some of the Sun’s rays. (What about mint suppositories? Just askin’ …)
– BBC News

US president Bush received extensive tips on Canadian quirks & customs before a 2004 visit, newly published documents show. A briefing prepared by the US protocol office contains the following pointers on how to get along with Canadians …
• During conversation remove sunglasses. (Substitute beer glasses.)
• While indoors remove hats. (Especially 10-gallon jobs.)
• To call someone to you, use the entire hand rather than the index finger. (Or middle.)
• In Québec, the thumbs down sign is considered offensive. (As well as English signs.)
And most importantly, of course …
• The word ‘eh?’ at the end of a sentence (long ‘A’ sound) roughly translates as ‘You know?’ or ‘Isn’t it?’. It is used mostly in rural areas in Canada. (Like Edmonton, eh?)
– “Vancouver Sun“

New research suggests that kids are at greater risk of becoming short-sighted if they don’t play outside. Short-sightedness usually begins during school years. A recent study of 4,000 Australian schoolchildren has found that 12-year-olds who spend the most time doing ‘near-work’ (looking at a screen or reading) and the least time outdoors have the greatest chance of becoming nearsighted. (Today’s homework is … go play.)
– “Daily Telegraph”

A 111-year-old lizard in Invercargill, New Zealand is about to become a father for the first time in his 60 years of captivity. Officials at the Southland Museum say the tuatara lizard named ‘Henry’ and his female companion ‘Matilda’ can expect their 12 eggs to hatch in 12-to-16 months. (Wasn’t Anna Nicole Smith once married to a 111-year-old lizard?)

• Suppressing a sneeze can potentially cause nosebleed, burst eardrum, nasal cartilage fracture, detached retina and, in extremely rare cases, stroke or aneurysm. (Let ‘er rip!)
• Experts say students who take off a ‘gap year’ after high school may be more likely to complete college. 26% of freshmen don’t return to university for their sophomore year. (That’s because they’re either pregnant or in prison.)
– “Cosmopolitan”

1937 [71] Dustin Hoffman, LA CA, 5′-5” movie actor (2 Oscars-“Rain Man”, “Kramer vs Kramer”)

1947 [61] Ken Dryden, Hamilton ON, Liberal MP for York Centre (former Federal Minister of Social Development)/former Toronto Maple Leafs vice-chairman)/Hall of Fame NHL goalie (6 Stanley Cups-Montréal Canadiens, 5 Vezina Trophies)/author (“The Game”)

1961 [47] The Edge (David Evans), Barking UK, rock guitarist (U2-“Vertigo”, “Beautiful Day”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2005)

1973 [35] Mark Wills (Williams), Blue Ridge GA, country singer (“19 Somethin’”, “Wish You Were Here”)

1975 [33] Tom Linton, Mesa AZ, rock guitarist (Jimmy Eat World-“Pain”, “The Middle”)

1976 [32] JC Chasez, Bowie MD, washed-up pop singer (‘N Sync-“Pop”, “Bye Bye Bye”)

1980 [28] Michael Urie, Dallas TX, TV actor (‘Marc St. James’ on “Ugly Betty” since 2006)

1981 [27] Roger Federer, Basel, Switzerland, #1 ranked men’s professional tennis player

Pop singer Whitney Houston (“I Will Always Love You”) is 45; TV/movie actress Gillian Anderson (“The X-Files: I Want to Believe”) is 40; Movie actor Eric Bana (“Munich”) is 40; Alt-rock bassist Arion Salazar (Third Eye Blind) is 38; Movie actress Audrey Tautou (“The Da Vinci Code”) is 30.

Country musician Gene Johnson (Diamond Rio) is 59; Movie actress Rosanna Arquette (“Pulp Fiction”) is 49; Movie actor Antonio Banderas (“Shrek”) 48; Rock drummer Jon Farriss (INXS) is 47; TV actress Angie Harmon (“Women’s Murder Club”) is 36; NHL center Sam Gagner (Edmonton Oilers) is 19.

• “Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremonies” (NBC/CBC). As gunpowder is one of the many inventions attributed to China, fireworks will play a major role in the opening festivities. For the first time, the shape of the Olympic Rings will be formed in the sky. During the climax of the art performances, the fireworks will mimic 2,008 smiling faces in the sky.
• “Happiness Happens Day”, formerly known as the marginally less nauseating “Admit You’re Happy Day”, commemorated by using silver coins to pay someone’s toll, bus or subway fare, or to donate to charity. It’s all a conspiracy of the ‘Secret Society of Happy People’.
• “National Hobo Convention”, the 108th annual through SUNDAY in Britt, Iowa. Some 30,000 professional and part-time hobos are expected to hop trains from all over North America to take in the parade, the ‘King & Queen of the Hobos’ coronation, ‘Hobo Jungle’, and ‘Hobo Museum’.
• “Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night”, a day to share the wealth of your vegetable garden with friends and neighbors. Uh, could you make it tomatoes instead?

• “Art Appreciation Day”. Any parent will tell you the most important art of all are those priceless works … hanging on the fridge.
• “Book Lovers Day”. Any reader will tell you no matter where you are, you’re never alone … as long as you have a book.
• “Elvis Week 2008” through August 17th as his Memphis TN mansion Graceland offers a raft of activities to perpetuate the legend. The King is dead … let’s make money!
• “Garage Sale Day”, saluting a North American institution on what’s likely to be a popular day for garage/yard sales. For argument’s sake, if you put a dollar-value on all your time taken to  prepare and then clean-up after a sale … would it really be worthwhile?
• “Hand Holding Day”. If he wasn’t talked into it by his partner, would a guy ever hold hands?
• “International Day of Indigenous People”, as declared by the UN. But is there really such a thing? Weren’t all people originally wanderers?

• “S’Mores Day” celebrating one of our favorite campfire treats. Here’s the complicated directions: toast marshmallows over campfire, then place them on graham cracker with piece of chocolate. Take second graham cracker and smush it on top. Inhale.
• “Spoil Your Dog Day” … like there’s some other option? What’s your pup’s favorite treat?

1978 [30] Slobbering sidekick ‘Odie’ debuts in the popular comic strip “Garfield” (cartoonist Jim Davis has to change his original appearance because United Features Syndicate claims he looks too much like ‘Snoopy’ in “Peanuts”)

1986 [22] Series finalé of the NBC-TV series “Knight Rider”, starring David Hasselhoff and a talking car with better acting skills (an updated new version debuts THIS FALL on NBC/Global)

2000 [08] 30-year-old actress Catherine Zeta-Jones gives birth to a son via 55-year-old fiancé Michael Douglas, named Dylan Michael Douglas (they wed 3 months later)

1995 [13] Wendy’s announces $400-million merger with Canadian doughnut chain Tim Horton’s (meaning one of the most Canadian of institutions is no longer Canadian)

[Mon] Daughters Day
[Mon] Dog Days of Summer end
[Mon] “Elvis: Viva Las Vegas” special (CMT)
[Tues] Vinyl Record Day
[Tues] Middle Child’s Day
[Tues] Truck Drivers Day
[Wed] International Left-Handers Day
[Wed] “Tropic Thunder“ opens in movie theaters
This Week Is … Fraud Awareness Week
This Month Is … Child Support Enforcement Month

• Well-hidden shortcuts on marathon track.
• Separate archery categories for humans and elves.
• Seven more digits added to the 100-meter dash timer.
• Olympic torch lighted by highly-complex laser … in space.
• Opening ceremony includes re-creation of the battle scene from “300”.
• Make javelins shine like light sabers.
• ‘Mario Kart’-style weapons in all long distance races.
• As well as drugs, athletes randomly tested for alien DNA.
– Adapted from

I’ve always found that women are more concerned with the bulge in a guy’s BACK pocket.

An Olympic gold medal is plated with 6 grams of gold. What’s underneath that?
a. Silver. [CORRECT]
b. Bronze.
c. Plastic.

If you went to a beach and it turned out to be a nude beach, would you stay and go swimming? Would you swim nude?

Today’s Question: It takes new parents about 45 hours to figure THIS out.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A name for the baby.

Just because it pays well doesn’t mean it’s a good job.

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