Thursday, August 14, 2008        Edition: #3836
Here, Have Another Sheetload!

The Beijing Olympics opening ceremony apparently wasn’t all that legit: not only were parts of the fireworks display pre-recorded but that cute little girl who sang was actually lip-syncing to the voice of another girl that officials didn’t consider cute enough (who produced this – Ashlee Simpson?) . . . 44-year-old actor Ian Ziering, who played ‘Steve Sanders’ on “Beverly Hills 90210”, says he won’t be appearing in the upcoming “90210“ remake (CW) because it’s ‘not where his career goals are focused right now’ (his next project: “National Lampoon’s 301: The Legend of Awesomest Maximus Wallace Leonidas”) . . . Original TV “Batman” Adam West is one of the ‘stars’ short-listed for the next season of “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC), the final selection to be announced AUGUST 25th (just before “Batman” turns 80) . . . 23-year-old movie actress Scarlett Johansson is planning a follow-up to her first music recording, the album “Anywhere I Lay My Head”, despite receiving scathing reviews from critics (is this some sort of threat?) . . . “Hairspray“ actress Nikki Blonsky’s dad, Carl, has finally been sprung from a Turks & Caicos jail after his shyster convinced a court he had health issues (new info suggests the mother of “America’s Next Top Model” reject Bianca Golden suffered a cracked skull and broken nose in the now infamous JULY 29th airport melée) . . . “The Office” actors John Krasinski (‘Jim Halpert’) & Rashida Jones (‘Karen Filippelli’) walked the carpet separately at THIS WEEK’s “Tropic Thunder” premiere but insiders say there’s no doubt about it – they’re a real-life couple (aww, poor ‘Pam’!) . . . And 27-year-old Paris Hilton is being sued for $75,000 in damages for failing to fulfill promotional obligations for the 2006 movie, “National Lampoon’s Pledge This!”, in which she played the president of an exclusive sorority (this is so wrong – she ought to be sued for having the audacity to attempt acting!).

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Chart-topping Flo Rida (“Low”) is a guest.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Los Lonely Boys (“Heaven”) are onstage.
• “Kathy Griffin: My Life On the D-List” (Bravo) – Kathy brings some cheer to the troops in the season finalé.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Country singer Randy Travis performs.

• DMX – The 37-year-old rapper is facing his 6th arrest of 2008 after failing to attend a court hearing in Phoenix AZ. He was due to face a felony drug charge but didn’t show.
• John Lennon – Mark David Chapman, the assassin who killed him in 1980, has been denied parole once again. (It’s too bad “Chapter 27”, that atrocious Jared Leto/Lindsay Lohan movie about Chapman, couldn’t be locked away forever as well.)
• John Mayer – According to an insider, he’s dumped actress-GF Jennifer Aniston because he ‘wasn’t ready for the level of commitment she deserved’. (BS translation: Groupies require far less maintenance.)
• Jonas Bros – The teen heartthrobs have just bought a $2.9 million, 7,400 sq ft, 6 bedroom, 6 bath mansion in a Dallas TX gated community. (3 brothers … 6 bedrooms. Life is good.)
• Kenny Chesney – For the 2nd year-in-a-row, the 5′-7” country star has suited up to join the New Orleans Saints during their NFL training camp in Jackson MS. He even caught a 45-yard punt … on the 3rd try. TONIGHT he performs at the New Orleans Arena.
• Madonna – Her upcoming “Sticky & Sweet” world tour may be in jeopardy since she’s injured an ankle just days before its scheduled kick off in Cardiff, Wales (AUGUST 23rd). Meantime, she & hubby Guy Ritchie are reportedly planning to adopt a 2nd child from the African country of Malawi, a little girl named ‘Mercy’. (In fact, they may decide to collect the entire set.)

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “The Challenge“ – George Clooney’s production company has bought up the rights to Jonathan Mahler’s novel about Guantanamo Bay inmate Salim Hamdan, who worked as a personal driver-bodyguard for Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. Clooney will play the role of Charles Swift, a US Navy officer who helped bring Hamdan’s case to the Supreme Court.
• “Choke” – Radiohead has composed the score for the film adaptation of the novel by Chuck Palahniuk, author of “Fight Club”. The movie will star Sam Rockwell as a con-man who pays for his mother’s hospital bills by playing on the sympathies of people who rescue him from choking to death. In a neat twist, Palahniuk has revealed he was inspired by listening to Radiohead music while writing the book. The movie opens THIS FALL.
• “Edwin A Salt” – This upcoming espionage thriller, originally intended as a vehicle for Tom Cruise, is now being rewritten for Angelina Jolie. She’s not yet signed on, but changes are already underway in hope that a deal will be made. The film, about a CIA agent who’s accused of spying for the Russians, will get a new title. “Edwina A Salt” maybe?
• “French Women Don’t Get Fat” – Actress Hilary Swank’s production company has picked up the rights to this best-selling 2004 book that detailed how French women manage to stay slim. The film adaptation is reported to be a romantic comedy, with Swank likely to play the lead role of a ‘girl-next-door champagne company middle manager’. Sounds like a real corker.
• “RocknRolla“ – After a string of box office flops, Madonna’s director-hubby Guy Ritchie is counting on this underworld thriller to capture the imagination of cinema-goers. It stars Gerard Butler, Thandie Newton, and Jeremy Piven, and follows London gangsters fighting for a share of a real estate scam. Ritchie is so hopeful of a hit, he’s already written a sequel. “RocknRolla” opens wide OCTOBER 31st.

Raising the arms, clenching the fist, throwing back the head, and puffing out the chest when tasting victory are likely innate subconscious reactions, according to scientists from the University of British Columbia and San Francisco State University. Their study of thousands of photos of athletes show the same triumphant stance is common to winners participating in the Olympics and also blind athletes in Paralympic Games who could not have learned the victory dance by watching others. And oh, it seems apes and monkeys do it, too. (Instead of gold medals, we should be handing out bananas.)

As little as a pint-and-a-half of beer can make somebody look more desirable, according to new research. Men’s vision is more likely to be distorted than women’s; and men’s so-called ‘beer goggles’ can stay on for up to a day. That’s the conclusion of a study at Bristol University in England in which volunteers who drank either vodka or a soft drink were asked to rate pictures for attractiveness. Booze is believed to stimulate the ‘striatum’, an area of the brain that plays a big role in attraction. (Our own thorough studies show that it also blurs the blemishes.)
– “Daily Express”

According to a worldwide poll, these are the countries with the least attractive women …
5. China
4. USA
3. Germany
2. Britain
1. Afghanistan
– “FHM Magazine”

NBC-TV has spent close to $1 billion to secure the rights to the Olympics, and then market and produce the telecasts, an investment it’s unlikely to surpass in advertising profits. However, analysts say its paying off for the network’s parent company, General Electric, which has sold some $700-million worth of products to the Chinese Olympic organizers, including security equipment for the subway system and the airport, medical equipment at the Olympic Village hospital, and 120 wind turbines for power. (What a surprise … it’s all about the Benjamins.)
– “Los Angeles Times”

OLED quite possibly may be the biggest thing to happen to television since inventor John Logie Baird. OLED stands for ‘Organic Light-Emitting Diode’, and TVs made using the revolutionary technology are said to be thinner, brighter, and more energy efficient. So far, Sony has made a 3-mm-thick, 11-inch model available for around $1,800. As the screens get larger, it’s predicted OLED will become the must-have innovation on the flat-screen TV market. Demand is expected to increase by as much as 14-fold by 2012. (That $2,000-bigscreen plasma job you just bought? Now a piece of crap.)
– Reuters

In general, men can read smaller print than women, BUT WOMEN CAN HEAR BETTER.
– “Uncle John’s Triumphant 20th Anniversary Bathroom Reader”

“I don’t think I am beautiful. I can look good and I can look ugly.“
– Self-effacing “Vicky Christina Barcelona” star Penelope Cruz. (Yeah, the nose IS a little long.)

1941 [67] David Crosby (Van Cortlandt), LA CA, classic rock musician (Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young-“Woodstock”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame for the Byrds (1991) and Crosby, Stills & Nash (1997)/sperm-donor father of singer Melissa Etheridge’s 2 children

1945 [63] Steve Martin, Waco TX, movie actor (“The Pink Panther”, “Cheaper By the Dozen”)/host who’s made the most appearances on “Saturday Night Live” (circa 30)/2-time “Academy Awards” emcee

1966 [42] Halle Berry, Cleveland OH, movie actress (“X-Men: The Last Stand”, 2002 Academy Award-Monster’s Ball”, 2000 Emmy Award-“Introducing Dorothy Dandridge”)/ex-Mrs  Eric Benét/ex-Mrs David Justice/mom to 5-month-old ‘Nahla’ via French-Canadian model BF Gabriel Aubry

1990 [18] Jaydee Bixby, Drumheller AB, country singer (“Old Fashioned Girl”)/”Canadian Idol 5“ runner-up (2007)

• “Creamsicle Day”, celebrating those ooey gooey, orange- or raspberry-flavored Popsicles with ice cream inside, an invention of Swedish-born entrepreneur Alexander Frehse in 1923.

• “Financial Awareness Day”, a day to add up all your assets and all your debts in order to get a clear picture of where you stand … just before declaring bankruptcy.

• “Husbands in Love Day”. You can bet it wasn’t a guy who thought this one up!

• “International Balloon Festival”, the 25th annual through Sunday in St-Jean-sur-Richelieu, Québec. It’s Canada’s largest gathering of hot air balloons. Balloons are lit up during night flights, effectively turning them into giant Chinese lanterns.

• “International Nagging Day”. If you have issues with someone, this is a good day to get them out of your system … over and over and over.

• “SuperEx” at Lansdowne Park in Ottawa, the annual exhibition and fair running through AUGUST 24th. This year’s edition features the 2nd annual ‘Capital Magic Festival’, as well as concerts by Glass Tiger, Kim Mitchell, and the Trews.

1981 [27] The BBC recording of “The Royal Wedding of Prince Charles & Lady Diana” reaches #1 on album charts in Britain

1936 [72] 1st Olympic basketball game (USA defeats Canada 19-8 in Berlin, Germany)

1958 [50] 1st ‘Canadian Football League’ game is held in Winnipeg as the Blue Bombers defeat Edmonton Eskimos 29-21 (CFL is formed when ‘Canadian Football Council’ withdraws from ‘Canadian Rugby Union’ and renames itself)

1982 [26] Bill Neal becomes 1st to paddle a bathtub the 21 miles across the English Channel (in order to avoid being arrested by French authorities, he registers his tub with Lloyds of London as an ‘ocean-going craft’)

1976 [32] ‘Longest Softball Game’ begins in Monticello NY (Gager’s Diner eventually beats Bend’n Elbow Tavern 491-467 in 365 innings over 2 days in a charity fundraiser)

[Fri] Relaxation Day
[Fri] Failures Day
[Fri] 3-D animated “The Clone Wars”; “Mirrors”; and “Vicky Cristina Barcelona“ open in movie theaters
[Fri-Sept 1] Canadian National Exhibition (Toronto)
[Sat] Full ‘Sturgeon’ Moon
[Sun] Thriftshop Day
[Sun] 12th Wreck Beach Bare Buns Run (Vancouver)
[Mon] Discovery Day (Yukon)
[Mon] Bad Poetry Day
This Week Is … Smile Week
This Month Is … Catfish Month

• Fresh fruit will be more flavorful if ripened at room temperature, then put in the refrigerator.
• Are mice a problem? Place several drops of peppermint oil on a cotton ball and place at the problem locations. They hate it!
• Wearing mule-style shoes this Summer? Try a spritz of hairspray on the inner sole so your feet won’t slip.
• If the drawstring of your sweatpants keeps slipping through the casing, try this easy solution: Sew a medium-size button on each end of the drawstring and it won’t ever happen again.
• No matter how much you iron a tablecloth you often still have wrinkles left. So lay it out on the table flat, with a pad or towel underneath, and lightly spray with water. While you sleep gravity will pull the cloth smooth.
– “The Abacus” / “Akron Beacon Journal”

What’s the largest fruit crop on Earth?
a. Grapes. [CORRECT]
b. Bananas. [#2]
c. Kumquats. [Not even close … but really fun to say.]

If you were to be elected leader of a foreign country tomorrow, which country would you want it to be and what would be your first official act?

Your contestant must quickly come up with an answer beginning with the designated letter in 5 different categories. The answer may not be repeated in multiple categories. Time’s up after 30 seconds, as announced by toaster SFX …

Using the initial letter ‘T’ name …
• A summer activity.
• A movie title.
• Something to do with the weather.
• A TV show.
• A nasty name you call someone.

Using the initial letter ‘C’ name …
• A breakfast food.
• A highlight of your vacation.
• A kitchen utensil.
• An article of clothing.
• Something that is gooey.

Some people believe anything if you whisper it.

Today’s Question: The average homeowner gets 305 of THESE per year.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Pieces of junk mail, according to “Women’s Health” magazine.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.

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