Thursday, August 28, 2008        Edition: #3846
Thanks For Being a Bull Market!

55-year-old overwrought singer Michael Bolton and 44-year-old “Desperate Housewives” actress Nicollette Sheridan have ended their engagement after an 8-year relationship, in a split that a rep says was ‘amicable’ (BS translation: They hate each other) . . . The popularity of TV shows like “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC) has led to a hot new fad at weddings – brides & grooms rehearsing a surprise, choreographed, ‘first-dance’ routine (impressive, but only if you’re marrying “So You Think You Can Dance” champ Joshua) . . . Another wacky reality TV show is about to debut on ITV in Britain – “CelebAir”, in which celebrities don regulation uniforms to serve real passengers as airline attendants, with the worst being voted off the plane each week (if it’s midair – we wanna watch!) . . . Actress Kate Hudson is being sued by haircare company 220 Labs for allegedly stealing their secret volcano ash formula from a sample she was given to co-create her own line of hair products, David Babaii for Wildaid (volcanic residue is good for your hair?) . . . A dozen extras from the upcoming Tom Cruise film “Valkyrie” (opening DECEMBER 26th) are threatening a lawsuit if they aren’t paid an $11-million settlement for an on-set accident involving a WW2-vintage German army truck (this movie may not make that much moolah) . . . Can’t-get-a-job actress Tara Reid (“American Pie“ and, more recently, “American Pie“) has launched her own line of casual clothing & swimwear, emblazoned with ‘flirty’ slogans like “Catch Me If You Can” and “Single & Ready to Mingle” (why not just put “Goes”?) . . . And Gisele Bundchen BF, New England Patriots’ QB Tom Brady, has just bought a 3-acre building lot in LA’s upscale Brentwood area for – whoa! – $11 million, TMZ reporting he took out a 5-year mortgage for $8.225 mil (and you think you have trouble making payments!).

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Country star Faith Hill is a guest.
• Jennifer Hudson – Barack Obama has asked her to sing the national anthem before TONIGHT’s session of the Democratic National Convention in Denver CO.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Springfield MA-based alt-rock band Staind (“Believe”) performs.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Vegas entertainer Bette Midler is on.

• Dr Dre – Foul play is not suspected in the death of his 20-year-old son, Andre Young Jr, who was found dead in his LA bedroom by his mother after a night out with friends. Medical examiners are awaiting the results of a toxicology report.
• Keith Urban – He’s been diagnosed with a slipped disc but his schedule isn’t being altered, meaning he’ll still headline SATURDAY’s “Country Rocks Festival” in Halifax NS and perform at both “Fashion Rocks” and the NFL’s “Kickoff Show” in NYC.
• Lil Wayne – He’s just missed a court date relating to drug charges in Arizona after undergoing an unspecified medical procedure. Rumor has it the ‘procedure’ may be orthodontics. Grillz?
• Madonna – A collection of over 300 items she’s worn onstage, in videos, and movies is going on display at the Old Truman Brewery in London UK in FEBRUARY. Cone bra, anyone?
• Neil Diamond – The 67-year-old has been forced to postpone a couple of shows due to laryngitis. Fans who attended his raspy MONDAY performance at Ohio State University are being offered refunds. He apparently never mentioned the malady onstage.
• Pink Floyd – Nick Mason & Roger Waters have been presented Sweden’s 2008 “Polar Music Prize” for their ‘monumental contribution’ to popular music. The cash prize is equivalent to about $160,000.
• R Kelly – A Durban, South Africa woman claims she deposited some $1.5 million to his bank account after conning people into investing $1,300 each on a planned concert tour. When the 2005 tour never materialized, the cash failed to as well. His rep says ‘Mr Kelly has no knowledge of this woman, and has never received any money from her’. (BS translation: It’s gone, baby, gone.)

A BS selection of movies in the works …
• “Alice In Wonderland” – An unknown Australian actress has won the title role in Tim Burton’s eagerly awaited adaptation of the Lewis Carroll classic. 18-year-old Mia Wasikowska is set to hit the bigtime after being picked to play the heroine. Earlier THIS YEAR, she was chosen to receive a Heath Ledger Scholarship from a new fund to help up-and-coming Aussie performers. Johnny Depp is set to play the ‘Mad Hatter’ in the movie, which is due to debut in 2010.
• “Bad Teacher” – Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky, co-exec producers and writers on TV’s “The Office”, have penned this new comedy about a foul-mouthed, gold-digging 7th-grade teacher who is dumped by her sugar-daddy so she turns her attention to a colleague. That lands her in a rivalry with the school’s model teacher. No cast has yet been announced. We’d pick “The Office’s” Jenna Fischer … but she’s too nice for the role.
• “Coco avant Chanel” – French actress Audrey Tautou (“The Da Vinci Code”) will star as fashion legend Coco Chanel in this new biopic. It will focus on Chanel’s revolutionary effect on the fashion industry after setting up her first shop in 1910. Chanel died at age 87 in 1971. Karl Lagerfeld, present-day art director of the fashion house Chanel founded, will oversee the costumes, many of which will be re-creations of Chanel’s own designs. Production on the movie is due to start in Paris in SEPTEMBER with an eye toward a 2009 release.
• “Something Borrowed” – Hilary Swank’s production company has secured rights to Emily Giffin’s 2005 debut novel, which will be developed as a starring vehicle for the actress. The story centers around a Manhattan attorney who becomes involved with her best friend’s fiancé following her 30th birthday celebration. The deal also includes rights to Giffin’s sequel novel, “Something Blue”.

Hundreds of homeowners in Britain are turning their backyards into mini-ranches stocked with miniature cattle. Registrations of the most popular breed, the Dexter, have doubled since 2000. What are touted as ‘the world’s most efficient, cutest, and tastiest cows’ stand no taller than a large German shepherd dog, give 2 gallons of milk a day, keep the grass mowed, and serve as fine family pets … before ending up in the freezer. Other pint-sized breeds are being artificially created, including the mini-Hereford and the Lowline Angus. (”Mommy, where did Flossy go?”)
– “Times of London”

A recent study on human memory by University of Missouri psychologist Nelson Cowan finds that most of us can only remember 3-to-5 things at a time if they are unrelated. And trying to remember one thing on a list can immediately blank out all the others, at least temporarily. The bottom line – our working memory is much smaller and more fragile than we might think. (That reminds me of … um … er …)

• “Kingpin” (1996) – There’s never been a funnier film about the Amish and bowling.
• “There’s Something About Mary” (1998) – Enough disgusting jokes to keep you giggling into your whisky glass into the wee small hours.
• “Animal House” (1978) – You too will be yelling “Toga, toga, toga!”.
• “The Waterboy” (1998) – If you don’t laugh at this while drunk you must be dead … or passed out.
• “Dumb & Dumber” (1994) – After a few beers it really is actually funny … quite a few beers.
• “American Pie” (1999) – This teen comedy has all the essential elements of a college party.
– Condensed from

In a 14-country NSM Research survey of some 500 men about their attitudes and ethics at work and play, South African men have come out on top (bottom?) as the ‘World’s Biggest Bastards’. Australian men rank 2nd, Americans 3rd. Perhaps surprisingly, the efficient Germans rank as the nicest. (C’mon, Canadians are so nice it’s nauseating.).
– “FHM Magazine”

For 29 years “Andrew Harper’s Hideaway Report” has waded through travel brochures interpreting resort descriptions. Here are some examples of what Harper calls ‘brochurese’ … and what each description actually means –
• ‘Evokes another era’ … rooms share a single bath.
• ‘Old World charm’ … the joint’s overdue for renovation.
• ‘Exercise facilities’ … there’s no elevator.
• ‘Heart of the Old City’ … smack-dab in the slums.
• ‘Exciting environs’ … warning: high crime area.
– Reuters

Britain’s University of Plymouth has conducted a study of the world’s funniest-sounding words. Using the ‘anti-semantic phonetic test’ (saying a word 20 times out loud), international words are graded for comic sound. Some languages feature funnier sounds than others: Korean and Swedish top the list, with German a close 3rd. Some words are only funny when you don’t know the language. For example, ‘schwangerschaft’ (pregnancy) sounds hilarious to non-German-speakers but not funny at all to Germans. The funniest English word is said to be ‘squid’, followed closely by ‘whiffle’, ‘blooper’, and ‘expunge’. (We like ‘banana’.)
– “Wolfe Whispers”

According to the US Beer Institute, an estimated 300,000 kegs have been stolen in the past year. We’re talking empty kegs. Why? Stainless steel beer kegs are now worth about $30 apiece on the scrap metal market.
– “USA Today”

1938 [70] Paul Martin, Windsor ON, 21st Canadian Prime Minister (2003-06)

1965 [43] Shania Twain (Eilleen Edwards), Windsor ON (raised in Timmins & Sudbury ON), pop/country singer (“Party For Two”, “You’re Still The One”)/estranged wife of music producer Mutt Lange/Officer of the Order of Canada (2005)/Canada’s Walk of Fame (2003)/CMA Entertainer of the Year (1999)

1969 [39] Jack Black, Hermosa Beach CA, movie actor (“Tropic Thunder”, “Kung Fu Panda”)/sorta rock singer (Tenacious D-“POD”)

1969 [39] Jason Priestley, Vancouver BC, TV personality (“Hollywood and Vine”)/TV actor (“Side Order of Life” 2007, “Beverly Hills 90210” 1990-98)/former Indy Racing League driver injured in 2002 crash

1982 [26] LeAnn Rimes, Pearl MS, country singer (“Something’s Gotta Give”, “How Do I Live”) who started singing at age 3 and has sold well over 20 million records

“Burning Man”, the 22nd annual celebration through SEPTEMBER 1st when some 20,000 gather in Nevada’s Black Rock Desert, throw away their clothes or don outlandish costumes and recite poetry, build avant-garde art objects, and dance all night. At the finalé, they burn a 50-foot wooden effigy of a man. Wow, man … good drugs! (As “CSI” actor Gary Dourdan found out LAST YEAR.)

2003 [05] During her performance at the 20th “MTV Video Music Awards”, Madonna plants open-mouth kisses on both Britney Spears & Christina Aguilera

1837 [171] 1st ‘Worcestershire Sauce’ (WOOST-a-shur) marketed by pharmacists John Lea & William Perrins in, where else?, Worcester UK

1907 [101] 19-year-old Seattle teen Jim Casey borrows $100 from a friend to start local delivery service that eventually becomes … UPS (nowadays it’s about a hundred bucks per pickup)

1922 [86] 1st ‘Radio Commercial’ ($100 for 10 minutes on WEAF, NYC)

1996 [12] 1st MLB team to invite ball fans to ‘Bring Your Pooch to the Park’ (Chicago White Sox)

[Fri] More Herbs, Less Salt Day
[Sat] Toasted Marshmallow Day
[Sat] Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band @ Harley Davidson’s 105th Anniversary Festival (Milwaukee WI)
[Sun] Trail Mix Day
[Sun] Love Litigating Lawyers Day
[Mon] Labor Day (no BS service)
This Week Is … Safe at Home Week                         
This Month Is … Literacy Month

• Whyzit grass only smells when you mow it?
• Whyzit anything requiring service or adjustment is always in the least accessible place?
• If ignorance is bliss, whyzit more people aren’t really happy?
• Whyzit there are signs saying ‘No Shoplifting’? Is there a place where it’s okay?
• Whyzit honey comes in plastic bears and not plastic bees?
• Whyzit ‘his-and-hers’ gifts are always for her?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows, did it ever happen?

• “Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.”
• “Do I LOOK like a people person?”
• “And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?”
• “If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
• “Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?”
• “Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.”
• “Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.”
• “Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?”
• “Chaos, panic and disorder … my work here is done.”
• “I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted money.”

Ask a contestant to pick the correct meaning for the following terms …
• What is a ‘skelock’ [SKEE-lawk]?
a. Wild Irish rose.
b. Wild Scottish radish. [CORRECT]
c. Wild Australian marijuana.

• What is a ‘sackbutt’ [SACK-butt]?
a. The flat base of a paper bag.
b. The ancestor of the trombone. [CORRECT]
c. A droopy derriere.

• What is ‘aeromancy’?
a. Predicting the future by looking at tea leaves.
b. Predicting the future by looking up noses.
c. Predicting the future by looking at clouds. [CORRECT]

What’s the dumbest thing you’ve seen a tightwad do to save a few cents? (Refilling the ketchup bottle with fast-food packets, washing plastic utensils for reuse, etc.)

Today’s Question: THIS is part of the job description for only 33% of us.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Authority to fire people.

Maturity is the ability to do a job whether or not you are supervised, to carry money without spending it, and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.

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