Monday, August 17, 2009        Edition: #4080
Ahhh, It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• 41-year-old “Time Traveler’s Wife” actor Eric Bana says he’s found that housework is a bigger aphrodisiac to women than a set of six-pack abs. He’s been married to wife Rebecca since 1997 (they have 2 kids) and Bana claims the way to a woman’s heart is by helping to keep a clean home. (Thanks for putting the pressure on, bud!)
– UK “Cosmopolitan” magazine.
• Used-to-be-actress Pamela Anderson is refusing to move into her renovated Malibu, California house because … she loves living in a trailer park too much. She temporarily set up home in the Paradise Cove trailer park, intending to stay only until work on her house was complete. But now, she says, she’s fallen in love with the trailer park’s beachside, laid-back lifestyle. (We always knew she was trailer trash.)
– “Elle Magazine”
• 58-year-old Tony Danza, former talk show host & sitcom star (“Taxi”, “Who’s the Boss?”), may be teaching in a Philadelphia PA high school this fall for a new A&E reality TV show called “Teach”. If approved by the School Reform Commission this week, cameras will roll at Northeast High School as Danza co-teaches a 10th-grade English class. He’s is already attending teacher training with other first-year instructors in the school district. (Yeah, a couple week’s training … that’s all you need to be a teacher.)
– StarPulse.com
• Michael Jackson was dead for more than an hour before paramedics arrived at his home, according to a new report. His personal physician, Dr Conrad Murray, has claimed Jackson was showing some signs of response when he attempted to resuscitate him before paramedics arrived, but according to the ambulance report from that day, Jackson was dead long before they reached his home … perhaps hours. (Bottom line: he’s still dead.)
– “News Of the World”
• Alyssa Milano married her talent agent-fiancé in a lavish ceremony in New Jersey on Saturday. The TV star (“My Name is Earl”, “Charmed”) wed Dave Bulgari at his family’s private estate as they were surrounded by family and friends, including Bulgari’s close actor-friend Bradley Cooper (“The Hangover”). Milano was previously married to Cinjun Tate but divorced in 2000. (Because she couldn’t say his name.)
– People.com
• And after taping 2 guest appearances, word has it former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham is set to be offered a $5-million deal to become a permanent judge on “American Idol” (FOX) … if she proves popular enough. Producers think she has the right credentials to take over from Paula Abdul, so focus groups are being set up to measure audience reaction. (She’s stump-smart just like Paula but also has a permanent pout … we can’t wait!)
– ContactMusic.com

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Pussycat Dolls (“Doll Domination 3.0”).
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Alanis Morissette (“Flavors Of Entanglement”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Daughtry (“Leave This Town”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Robert Cray (“This Time”).
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Kate Voegele (“A Fine Mess”).
• “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” (ABC/CityTV) – Former “Everybody Loves Raymond” actress Patricia Heaton plays for charity.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Bob Dylan – Hard to picture but he’s busy working away on an upcoming Christmas album. Some of the classics slated to appear on the album are “O Little Town Of Bethlehem”, “Here Comes Santa Claus”, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”, and “Must Be Santa.”
• Christina Aguilera – She’s reportedly a big fan of miniature golf.
• Metallica – James Hetfield tells BBC he likes being in a bad mood because it improves his songwriting, claiming he pens some of his best work while feeling miserable and angry.
• Modest Mouse – Tonight they kick off a brief late summer tour in Halifax, Nova Scotia.
• Rihanna – She, Jay-Z, and Kanye West will appear on the first episode of the new “Jay Leno Show” (NBC) on September 14th, performing “Run This Town”, a song off Jay-Z’s upcoming album “The Blueprint 3”, due out 3 days earlier.
• Van Halen – Eddie Van Halen will play himself in an episode when “Two & A Half Men” (CBS) returns September 21st.

REAL BUT REALLY WACKY PLACE NAMES:
Bad Axe, Michigan USA
Condom, France
Famish Gut, Newfoundland, Canada
Sexmoan, The Philippines
Baie des Ha Ha, Québec, Canada
Dinkytown, Minnesota USA
No Place, England
Who’d A Thought It, Alabama USA
Whakapapa, New Zealand
Bang Bang Jump Up, Australia
NET: http://www.funnynames.co

LOOSEN YOUR LEVIS:
Here’s yet another thing to worry about — tight jeans are dangerous! It might be stylish to squeeze into skin-tight jeans, but doctors say you could pay a painful price later. Wearing snug jeans puts pressure on the cutaneous nerve which runs from the lower spinal cord to the thigh. That can cause inflammation and extreme pain. (I once got ‘inflammation’ from skin-tight jeans … on Megan Fox.)
– HealthNet

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
A statistical breakdown of life by the numbers …
• 71% of us eavesdrop.
• 65% of women brush their teeth at least twice a day.
• 50% admit to regularly sneaking food into movie theaters.
• 35% give to charity at least once a month.
• 20% of bosses won’t consider a job applicant if they have a typo on their résumé.
• 21% of us don’t make our bed daily.

DO A SIT-UP:

According to researchers from Southwest Missouri State University, numerous short exercise sessions are more beneficial than rigorous workouts. Researchers claim that several short, moderate- to high-intensity exercise sessions are more effective at lowering triglyceride blood levels than one long workout. After a high-fat meal, prolonged elevations in triglycerides, a type of blood fat, can increase the risk of heart disease. (Let’s see, this morning I went down the stairs. That’s 1 …)
– ANI Science & Health

FORGET-ME-NOT:
According to a recent study, men are twice as likely to forget a partner’s birthday or their anniversary as women. 1-in-5 men forget at least 1 special occasion per year, compared to 1-in-10 women. While men often blame stress at work, the study suggests that this may not be the case; it may simply be that women are better at reminding themselves of dates. (Or maybe guys are intentionally trying to forget the day they got married?)
– “Daily Mail”

‘BENDING OVER BACKWARDS’ TO LEARN THE LINGO:

To really speak another language fluently you need to understand its idioms, expressions that often make little sense in other languages. For example …
• Chinese: To belch smoke from the 7 orifices of the head. [To be furious.]
• French: To seize the Moon by the teeth. [To attempt the impossible.]
• Russian: When the crayfish sings in the mountain. [Never.]
• Spanish: Cleaner than a frog’s armpit. [Poor or broke.]
• South American Spanish: To think one is the last suck of the mango. [To be conceited.]
– “The Guardian”

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Pound for pound, an eagle’s wing is stronger than the wing of an airplane.
– AmusingFacts.com
• Misuse of the Red Cross emblem is a breach of the Geneva Conventions.
– “Magazine Monitor”

AND WE QUOTE:
“It’s hard to believe that 15 years have passed since Backstreet Boys redefined the modern musical landscape.”
– The reformed Backstreet Boys official website. It’s true … that is hard to believe.

BS CHRONOMETER 08.17.09


TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [66] Robert De Niro, NYC, movie actor (2 Oscars-“The Godfather II”, “Raging Bull”)

1951 [58] Robert Joy, Montréal QC, TV actor (‘Dr Sid Hammerback’ on “CSI: NY” since 2005)/former TV comic (“Codco”)

1958 [51] Belinda Carlisle (Kurczeski), Hollywood CA, classic rock singer (“Mad About You”, w/The GoGos–“We Got the Beat”)

1960 [49] Sean Penn, Santa Monica CA, movie actor (2 Oscars-“Milk”, “Mystic River”)/Mr Robin Wright since 1996/ex-Mr Madonna 1985-89

1962 [47] Gilby Clarke, Cleveland OH, rock guitarist (Guns N’ Roses-“November Rain”)/reality TV personality (“Rock Star: Supernova” 2006)

1964 [45] Colin James (Munn), Regina SK, rock/blues singer/guitarist (“Into the Mystic”, & the Little Big Band-“I Just Came Back”)/6 Juno Awards

1969 [40] Donnie Wahlberg, Boston MA, pop singer (New Kids On the Block-“Hangin’ Tough”)/movie actor (“Saw II & III”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Archeology Day” … but unfortunately, we couldn’t dig up any information on why.

• “Cat Nights of Summer”, traditionally a time when cats yowl and witches prowl, which harks back to the belief that a witch could turn herself into a cat 8 times but on the 9th time, August 17, she couldn’t regain her human form. Hence the notion that a cat has 9 lives.

• “Thriftshop Day”, or as [co-host] refers to it … ‘Get a New Wardrobe Day’.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .

1979 [30] Monty Python’s “Life of Brian” premieres in movie theaters

1982 [27] Philips Electronics manufactures the world’s first ‘Compact Disc’ at a factory in Langenhagen, Germany

2007 [02] First all-male kiss on daytime television as ‘Luke’ (Van Hansis) & ‘Noah’ (Jake Silbermann) lock lips for 5 seconds on “As the World Turns” (4 years after ‘Bianca’ & ‘Lena’ did the female version on “All My Children”)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .

1990 [19] 1st edition of “The Directory of Elvis Impersonators” is released

1993 [16] LAPD begins investigation of Michael Jackson after a 13-year-old boy tells his therapist that he’s been abused (no charges are laid but a civil suit is settled out of court in 1994)

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1912 [97] 1st ‘Drive Across Canada’ (Thomas Wilby zips from Halifax to Victoria in just 52 days!)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
2008 [01] By winning gold in the Men’s 4x100m medley relay, Michael Phelps becomes the first Olympian to win 8 gold medals in a single Olympics

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Bad Poetry Day
[Tues] Cupcake Day
[Tues] Mail Order Catalogue Day
[Wed] Aviation Day
[Thurs] Virtual Worlds Day
[Thurs] “Project Runway 6” premieres (Lifetime)

THIS WEEK IS . . .

Aviation Week / Weird Contest Week

BULL’S BITS


BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
SFX THEATER:
You tell the story, a listener on the phone provides the SFX. Today’s story is called . . .
“THE PET SHOP”
Yesterday [your co-host] went into a pet shop, causing the bell above the door to TINKLE. (SFX). A cheeky old parrot SQUAWKED a greeting. (SFX) [Your co-host] also heard MEWING kittens (SFX), SQUEAKING mice (SFX), and an AARDVARK (SFX). As he walked around he could hear the HUM and GURGLING of fish aquariums. (SFX) Then he saw the cutest little puppy WHIMPERING. (SFX) [Your co-host] picked it up, causing the puppy to TINKLE. (SFX) And the cheeky old parrot SQUAWKED. (SFX)
NET: http://www.FreeRadioPrep.com

BS PHONE STARTER:
Almost every couple has ‘our song’. What’s yours?.

BS INDICATIONS YOU MIGHT HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM:
• Whenever you meet someone, you put a coin in his mouth and start yanking on his arm.
• After sex, you tell your spouse, “Okay, double or nothing!”
• You jump for joy whenever you get an ice cream sundae with 3 cherries on top.
• ‘Gamblers Anonymous’ knows you by name.
• To cut out the middle-man, you make mortgage payments directly to your bookie.
• An ‘Off-Track Betting’ window just opened up in your living room.
• Your top priority is to win enough money to get your kids back from the pawn shop.
• You’re wearing green felt underpants.

TRUTH OR BS?
Some of the following statements are true, some total BS. Which are which?
• Bagpipes were invented in Scotland. (F. The first bagpipes were made in Asia in the 1st century AD, then spread to Rome as novelties, and from there northward.)
• Women are more stressed than men. (T. A recent Roper-Starch poll finds 21% of women worldwide report an immense amount of stress, compared to just 15% of men.)
• Pouring Coke in your toilet will remove rust stains. (T. According to “The Superhandyman”, you just let it stand for 10 minutes before flushing.)
• Omphalos (AHM’-fah-luhs) is the process used to remove tattoos. (F. ‘Omphalos’ is a fancy synonym for ‘belly button’.)

BS RANDOM JOKE:
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Most of us learned THIS skill in Elementary School but 89% of us can’t do it now.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Reading Roman numerals.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Good enough never is.


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