Wednesday, August 19, 2009        Edition: #4082
If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Baffle Them With Bull!

The next lineup for “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC) has been announced, with singers Mya, Macy Gray, Aaron Carter, and Kelly Osbourne going up against pro athletes that include UFC fighter Chuck Liddell, snowboarder Louie Vito, and NFL great Michael Irvin (after Emmitt Smith’s success, don’t bet against the Cowboy!) . . . Sources connected to Paula Abdul say she’s changed her mind and wants back on “American Idol” (FOX), at least if the price is right – reportedly $10 million-a-season (now we’re sure – she really is nuts!) . . . A leaked ‘adult video’ featuring Eric Dane (“Grey’s Anatomy”), his actress/model-wife Rebecca Gayheart, and former beauty queen-turned-“Playboy” model Kari Ann Peniche is being much-buzzed-about online (chill people, they’re all apparently so stoned nothing actually happens) . . . 36-year-old actress Cameron Diaz (“My Sister’s Keeper”) is now reportedly romantically involved with 38-year-old model-actor Jason Lewis (“Sex & The City”) after being ‘just friends’ for several years (Jason previously dated Jennifer Aniston, who was in a relationship with singer John Mayer for awhile after he split with Cameron – small dating pool, no?) . . . Filmmaker Steven Spielberg has managed to re-establish his DreamWorks Studio as an independent after securing financial backing from Indian billionaire Anil Ambani (Reliance BIG Entertainment), the Walt Disney Co, and from bank loans (the secret of getting rich: using ‘OPM’ – Other People’s Money) . . . 37-year-old actress Jennifer Garner (“Juno”) tells “O” magazine that as a kid in West Virginia she thought she’d grow up to be a librarian (wait, put some glasses on – you were right!) . . . And “Girls Gone Wild” creator Joe Francis has been ordered to pay a $2 million-plus gambling debt to Wynn Las Vegas after the casino resort took him to court and he allegedly disrespected the legal proceedings by – passing gas while testifying (not only crude but expensive, idiot!).


• “America’s Next Top Model” (CW) – Clay Aiken acts as a guest judge, then the contestants join singer Ciara onstage for a photoshoot.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Martha Wainwright (“I Know You’re Married But I’ve Got Feelings Too”).
• “Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage” (FOX) – Single mother of 6 Nadya Suleman gives birth to octuplets from in-vitro fertilization. In a trailer for the show she admits, “I screwed myself, I screwed up my life, I screwed up my kids’ lives … what was I thinking?” Well exactly.
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – The Fray (“Never Say Never”).
• “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” (ABC/CityTV) – Snoop Dogg plays for charity.

• Aerosmith – It seemed destined to happen and now the rest of their summer tour with ZZ Top has officially been cancelled, thanks to frontman Steven Tyler’s broken shoulder.
• Celine Dion – The 41-year-old is said to be pregnant with her 2nd child. She’s already mom to 8-year-old René-Charles, conceived via in vitro fertilization. At the time another embryo was stored on ice in NYC, which she described as ‘my child waiting to be brought to life’. Her husband-manager René Angelil is now 67. Can he handle 2 tots?
• Jason Aldean – His upcoming concert DVD, “Wide Open Live & More”, has been certified Gold for shipment of 50,000 units … before it’s even released (August 25th).
• Lil Wayne – This week’s Canadian stops of his “Young Money Presents: America’s Most Wanted Music Festival” tour in Vancouver & Edmonton have been canceled ‘due to circumstances beyond Live Nation’s control’. Ticket-holders are being refunded.
• Motley Crue – They’re using a fill-in drummer after Tommy Lee burned his left thumb & forefinger while … playing with a set of sparklers. Lee is still participating in “Crue Fest 2” shows, but in a diminished capacity.
• Pearl Jam – MySpace Music is exclusively debuting a 10-minute documentary on the making of their new album, “Backspacer”, out September 20th.
• Shania Twain – She’s signed to appear as a guest judge on “American Idol” (FOX), filling Paula Abdul’s vacated spot on the judging panel August 30th & 31st for auditions in Chicago.
• Them Crooked Vultures – Tonight the Dave Grohl, John Paul Jones, Joshua Homme supergroup is playing its 2nd gig together, in the Netherlands at Amsterdam’s Melkweg.


What do you do if you drop your mobile phone in the sink, bath, or toilet and the screen goes blank? Experts advise you take out the battery to prevent any short-circuiting, and bury the handset in … a bowl of uncooked rice. How so? The rice will draw the water out of the device, and you may find you’ve saved yourself the price of a new phone. (Then, do you eat the rice?)
– “The Week”

In order to warn people about the dangers of drunk driving, a Chinese man in Jiangsu province has preserved his severed leg in formaldehyde … for 20 years. The 48-year-old puts the limb on display each year on the anniversary of the accident in which he lost it. His left leg had to be amputated in 1989 after he drove his motorcycle while drunk and slammed into a tractor. (Now he has a leg up on prevention.)

Invasive Asian carp are populating North America’s Great Lakes and forcing native species out of their traditional habitats. So scientists are taking steps to contain the invaders without affecting other species by developing an underwater ‘wall of sound’. In a tributary near Havana IL, 200 miles from Chicago, a barrier is being tested that emits beeping sounds that only bother carp because they hear higher frequencies than native fish. In trials, this ‘acoustic fence’ managed to stop 95% of the invasive species. (Sort of like hip-hop to a 50-year-old.)
– “Wired”

According to a new music magazine reader poll …
10. Bob Dylan – “Nashville Skyline”
9. The Band – “The Band”
8. The Stooges – “The Stooges”
7. Neil Young with Crazy Horse – “Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere”
6. The Velvet Underground – “The Velvet Underground”
5. The Who – “Tommy”
4. The Rolling Stones – “Let It Bleed”
3. The Beatles – “Abbey Road”
2. Led Zeppelin – “Led Zeppelin II”
1. Led Zeppelin – “Led Zeppelin”
– “Rolling Stone”


Until next Monday, people hankering for an out-of-this-world experience can visit an Australian website to post messages no longer than 160 characters that will be transmitted to Gliese 581d, the nearest Earth-like planet outside the Solar System likely to support life. Expected delivery time, however, is about 20 years and, of course, there’s no guarantee of any response. (A sample message: “SOS! Help us, we need someone intelligent down here! Pleeeeease!”)
– Reuters


• Researchers at Britain’s University of Bristol have developed a helmet that helps visually impaired people make use of echo-location to find their way around. The system takes real-time imagery of obstacles within 15 ft, be they stairs, walls, or trees, as well as moving objects like cars and other people, and alerts the user. It uses stereo headphones to denote where the objects are relative to the wearer. The volume of the sound indicates the distance.
• In a case of life emulating Photoshop, Korean designer Jinsu Park has created the ‘Color Picker Pen’ that can sense and then draw in the appropriate color, much like Adobe’s ‘eyedropper’ tool. The gizmo scans colors in the environment then a cartridge embedded within the pen mixes inks together to create the color that has been scanned.

• Anorexia nervosa is the most deadly of psychiatric illnesses, killing almost 20% of those afflicted.
– “Psychology Today”
• Almost 1.2 billion people worldwide are underfed, the same number that are overweight to the point of obesity.
– World Health Organization
• North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il has a water slide in his back yard.
– BBC News
• Nowadays people in their 50s are about 20 lbs heavier on average than 50-somethings were in the late 1970s. As a convenient point of reference, a typical car tire weighs 20 lbs.
– “New York Times Magazine”


1946 [63] Bill Clinton (William Jefferson Blythe III), Hope AR, 42nd US President (1993-2001)/best-selling author (“My Life”)/much sought-after speaker ($175,000 a pop)

1951 [58] John Deacon, Leicester UK, classic rock bassist (Queen-“Bohemian Rhapsody”, “Another One Bites the Dust”)

1963 [46] John Stamos (Stamotopoulos), Cypress CA, TV actor (“ER” 2005-09, “Jake in Progress” 2005-06, “Full House” 1987-1995)

1965 [44] Kevin Dillon, Mamaroneck NY, TV actor (‘Johnny Chase’ on “Entourage” since 2004)/brother of actor Matt Dillon

1965 [44] Kyra Sedgwick, TV actress (‘Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson’ on “The Closer” since 2005)/Mrs Kevin Bacon since 1988

1966 [43] Lee Ann Womack, Jacksonville TX, 5′-1” country singer (“I May Hate Myself In the Morning”, “I Hope You Dance”)

1969 [40] Matthew Perry, Williamstown MA [raised Ottawa ON], movie actor (“17 Again”, “The Whole Nine Yards”)/former TV actor (“Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip” 2006-07, “Friends” 1994-2004)

1969 [40] Clay Walker, Beaumont TX, country singer (“Fall”, “The Chain of Love”)

1970 [39] Fat Joe (Joseph Cartagena), Bronx NY, rapper (“Lean Back”, f/Ja Rule & Ashanti-“What’s Luv?”)


• “Afghan Independence Day”, celebrating the country of Afghanistan gaining full independence from the United Kingdom in 1919. (Only to be invaded like 87 times afterward.)

• “Aviation Day”, an annual observance honoring the birthday of Orville Wright, who piloted the first self-powered flight in history on December 17, 1903. (Older brother Wilbur got to run along beside while Orville kept yelling, “Look at me, look at me!”)


2005 [04] “The 40 Year-Old Virgin”, starring Steve Carell, opens in movie theaters (making Seth Rogen a comedy star)


1951 [58] 1st (and last) midget in Major League Baseball is used as a pinch-hitter (3-ft, 7-in Eddie Gaedel gets a walk for the St Louis Browns … “High! Ball four!”)


1962 [47] Homer Blancos records the ‘Best-Ever Score in Competitive Golf’, shooting a 55 for 18 holes (Premier Invitational Tournament in Longview TX)

[Thurs] Virtual Worlds Day
[Thurs] SuperEx begins (Ottawa)
[Fri] Ramadan begins (Muslim)
[Fri] CNE begins (Toronto)
[Fri] “Inglourious Basterds”; “Post Grad” open in movie theaters
[Sat] PNE begins (Vancouver)
This Week Is … Freedom of Enterprise Week
This Month Is … Foot Health Month


• Whyzit called a ‘free gift’? Aren’t all gifts free?
• Whyzit hummingbirds never remember the words to songs?
• Whyzit ‘fast-food’? Because they make it fast or because we eat it fast?
• Whyzit the severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach it?
• Whyzit there are no ‘Father-in-Law Jokes’?

If money and time were no object, what would you be doing right now?

• ‘Women Behind Bars’ – Costs a mere $3 to obtain an inmates address where you can converse via snail-mail. You can pretty much rely on the fact they’re not going to cheat on you with your best friend.
• ‘Tall Friends’ – Specifically caters to like-minded singles who are ‘of height’, meaning tall. There’s apparently no specific height requirement, just your perception of being a big ‘un.
• ‘Date a Little’ – This is where tiny people hook up … dwarves, midgets, and the oh-so-short.
• ‘Darwin Dating’ – Membership is restricted to ‘beautiful people only’. Their motto: ‘Online Dating Minus Ugly People’. Banned features include mullets, fat rolls, acne, and saggy anything.
• ‘Crazy Blind Date’ – You are not allowed to see any photos of your potential dates beforehand. The service matches you up according to where you live.
• ‘Daily Diapers’ – Free online community for ‘Adult Babies’, ‘Diaper Lovers’, ‘Big Kids’, and fetishists galore who relish returning to a more peaceful time in their life … childhood. Creepy!

In the interest of promoting more erudite language as well as general goofiness, here’s a truly weird word from “Foyle’s Philavery: A Treasury of Unusual Words” for you to toss around for the day (award callers for tying it in with whatever they’re talking about). Today’s word is …
• ‘Lant’ (verb) … to add urine to ale to make it stronger.


“How Low Will You Go?” In this game, contestants bid against each other to do outrageous acts for the lowest amount of money. Whoever is willing to do the vile act for the least money gets a chance to win that sum, provided they carry through and complete the task. It’s sort of a ‘Fear Factor Reverse Auction’.

Thanks to my computer, I have achieved a much higher state of disorganization.

Today’s Question: Just one of THESE costs about $50 million.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A trip to the International Space Station.


Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

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