Tuesday, August 25, 2009        Edition: #4086
Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!

Actor Eddie Cibrian’s estranged wife Brandi Glanville has confirmed she is filing for divorce, amid allegations her hubby is having an affair with his “Northern Lights” co-star, singer Leann Rimes (quote: “There is one side of him that I absolutely love and always will, but that side of him is not the side I’m divorcing”) . . . According to E! Online, entertainment billionaire Oprah Winfrey is planning to shut down parts of NYC’s West Side Highway next year for a mammoth block party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of her “O” magazine, in addition to staging a star-studded musical revue at Radio City Music Hall (in order to get the proper clearances for the big bash, she’ll first buy the Big Apple) . . . Adam Sandler says he felt like the ‘biggest, dirtiest human being’ playing a foul-mouthed stand-up comedian in the now-showing movie “Funny People”, because he dislikes telling rude jokes now that he’s a father of 2 young daughters (apparently he didn’t feel bad enough to ditch the film however) . . . NBC-TV is trying to put a positive spin on continuing ratings losses by the “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” to CBS-TV’s “Late Show With David Letterman” by noting that the median age of Conan’s audience is 47, 10 years younger than Letterman’s (straw-grasping aren’t we?) . . . And it seems even News Corp media mogul Rupert Murdoch has been feeling the recession, new regulatory filings showing that his total compensation in the past year dropped 40% from $30 million to a paltry $18 million (aw, poor man – should we start a tag day?).


• “Chelsea Lately” (E!) – Backstreet Boys (“This Is Us”, due October 6th).
• “Halloween II – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack” – The soundtrack to the upcoming horror film (opening Friday) is released, with music from  Foghat, the Moody Blues, Motorhead, the MC5, Rod Stewart, and more.
• “Jennifer’s Body” – The soundtrack to the upcoming horror/comedy film (opening September 18th) is released, including new tracks from Cobra Starship, Dashboard Confessional, and Panic At the Disco!, as well as a solo tune from Paramore’s Hayley Williams.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Airborne Toxic Event (“The Airborne Toxic Event”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Jet (“More Light Than Shade”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Ciara (“Fantasy Ride”).
• “Michael Jackson: The Remix Suite I” – Today Motown releases this first batch of music from a 5-part digital suite of remixes paying homage to the late ‘King of Pop’.
• “Now That’s What I Call Country, Volume 2” – This new compilation release features a who’s who of contemporary country, including Alan Jackson, Billy Currington, Carrie Underwood, Darius Rucker, Dierks Bentley, George Strait, Keith Urban, Kenny Chesney, Lady Antebellum, Montgomery Gentry, Rascal Flatts, Sugarland, Taylor Swift, and Trace Adkins. The first volume was released in 2008.
• “Shaq Vs” (ABC) – NBA star Shaquille O’Neal challenges other pro athletes at their game, including Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger at football, Misty May-Treanor & Kerri Walsh at beach volleyball.
• “Tavis Smiley Show” (PBS) – Reba McEntire (“Keep On Loving You”).
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Motown legend Smokey Robinson (“Time Flies When You’re Having Fun”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Lady Gaga (“The Fame”).

• Colbie Caillat – Today she releases “Breakthrough”, the follow-up to her double-platinum album “Coco”.
• Jason Aldean – Today he releases the concert DVD, “Wide Open Live & More”, filmed  in high-definition during a show in Knoxville TN in March. It features 15 songs, including “She’s Country” and “Big Green Tractor”, plus bonus interview footage.
• Michael Jackson – Reuters reports the film “This Is It”, documenting his final O2 show rehearsals, will open October 28th for a limited 2-week theatrical run. “Rolling Stone” reports that multiple cuts of the film will likely end up on DVD, alongside a soundtrack.

• “Adventureland” ( Comedy ): In the summer of 1987, a recent college grad (Jesse Eisenberg) takes a nowhere job at his local amusement park, only to find it’s the perfect place to get him prepared for the real world. Co-stars Kristen Stewart (Twilight”) & Ryan Reynolds (“The Proposal”). Shot at Kennywood Amusement Park in West Mifflin PA.
• “Duplicity” ( Crime Thriller ): Long-missing-from-the-screen Julia Roberts & Brit actor Clive Owen (“The International”, “Sin City”) play a pair of corporate spies with a romantic past who hook up once again to pull off the ultimate con job on their respective bosses. Co-stars Paul Giamatti.
• “Life is Hot in Cracktown” ( Drama ): Various stories of how crack cocaine has infiltrated the inner-city streets, based on Buddy Giovinazzo’s novel. Stars Shannyn Sossamo, Brandon Routh, Kerry Washington, and Lara Flynn Boyle. Shown at several film festivals but never released in theaters.
• “Sunshine Cleaning” ( Comedy ): In order to raise the tuition to send her young son to private school, a mom starts an unusual business – a biohazard removal/crime scene clean-up service – with her unreliable sister. Stars Amy Adams, Emily Blunt, Alan Arkin, and Steve Zahn.
• Also released today: “Californication: The 2nd Season” (TV); “Lie to Me: Season One” (TV); “Samantha Who?: The Complete 2nd Season” (TV); “Scrubs: The Complete 8th Season” (TV); and “thirtysomething: The Complete First Season” (vintage TV).

Employing hotties in retail stores can scare away female shoppers, according to a new study at the University of South Australia at Adelaide. Researchers have found that women are less likely to buy a product if they perceive the female store employee is more attractive. Why? Unlike celebrity endorsers, who are seen as positive role models, sexy shop assistants are considered a ‘social threat’ … direct competition to the female shopper. Potential purchasers may even be put off entering the store altogether. The study concludes that many women, especially those aged 18-to-26, feel intimidated by store clerks who ‘appear flawless and beautiful’. (On the other hand, bodacious store clerks don’t repel males … they just make ‘em talk stupid.)
– “Daily Telegraph”

Top tips from experts on how to increase your vehicle’s security …
• Always remove the key from the ignition. Seems dumb, but failing to do so is one of the prime causes of vehicle theft.
• Never rely on a car alarm. People have become so accustomed to hearing them go off they ignore them.
• Never stash a ‘valet key’ in the central console or glove compartment. Thieves can gain access to them simply by throwing a brick through a window.
• Be aware that older vehicles are the most frequently stolen, partly because more sophisticated theft-deterrent features make newer models harder to swipe. There’s also a hot market for stolen car parts as their legal availability diminishes.
– “Chicago Tribune”

A scientist at Sydney’s Royal Botanic Garden says Australians now need at least 5 or 6 seasons to account for all the various climate changes Down Under … not to mention worldwide. Horticulture expert Tim Entwisle suggests the name ‘Sprummer’ for the seemingly new season that falls between Spring and Summer; and ‘Sprinter’ for the now regular phenomenon of an early Spring. (After his news conference he went for brunch … or was it ‘lupper’?)
– “NY Post”


• Users of Bank Machine Company ATMs in East London will soon be able to opt for instructions in Cockney rhyming slang. Customers will be asked to enter their ‘Huckleberry Finn’ rather than their PIN, and then select how much ‘Sausage & Mash’ (cash) they want. The company plans a 3-month trial run on 5 cash machines. (What rhymes with dumb?)
– Ananova News Service
• A 6-and-half-foot python has been found sprawled on top of an ATM in the Serbian city of Nis. Police used a shovel and a bag to capture it. So far no one has claimed ownership of the python, presumed to be an escaped pet. Authorities say, when found, the owner will be punished for negligence. (Plus owe a 2-dollar ATM fee for using a rival bank.)
– FOX News
• Swaziland’s King Mswati III has sparked outrage by sending his favorite wives on a globe-trotting shopping spree. The monarch – ruler of some of the poorest people in the world – used $7 million of state money to send at least 5 of his 13 wives and dozens of their aides to France, Italy, Dubai, and Taiwan on a secret trip last week. (He’s already being punished … by the 8 wives who had to stay home.)

You can write using squid ink. (It’s a real pain getting refills though.)


1930 [79] Sean Connery, Edinburgh, Scotland, retired movie actor (Oscar-“The Untouchables”, “Dr No”)/the best ‘James Bond’?

1931 [78] Regis (Francis Xavier) Philbin, NYC, TV host (“Live With Regis & Kelly” since 1989, “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” 1999-2001/2009, “Million Dollar Password” 2008, “America’s Got Talent” 2006)/more on-screen face-time than anyone in TV history

1944 [65] Conrad Black, Montréal QC, disgraced newspaper magnate now serving 78-month prison term for fraud & obstruction of justice

1949 [60] Gene Simmons (Chaim Witz), Haifa, Israel, reality TV show personality (“Gene Simmons: Family Jewels” since 2006, “The Celebrity Apprentice” 2008)/long-tongued dinosaur rocker (Kiss-“Rock ‘n Roll All Night”, “Beth”)

1958 [51] Tim Burton, Burbank CA, movie director/producer (“Corpse Bride”, “Charlie & the Chocolate Factory”)

1961 [48] Billy Ray Cyrus, Flatwoods KY, country singer (“Busy Man”, “Achy Break Heart”)/TV actor (“Hannah Montana”)/father of teen singing & acting phenom Miley Cyrus

1967 [42] Jeff Tweedy, Belleville IL, rock singer (Wilco-“Sky Blue Sky”, “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot”)

1968 [41] Rachael Ray, Glens Falls NY, TV personality (“Rachael Ray”, “30 Minute Meals”, “Rachael Ray’s Tasty Travels”)

1970 [39] Jo Dee Messina, Framingham MA, country singer (“My Give a Damn’s Busted”, “Lesson in Leavin’”)

1987 [22] Blake Lively, Tarzana CA, TV actress (‘Serena van der Woodsen’ on “Gossip Girl” since 2007)/movie actress (“The Sisterhood Of the Traveling Pants 1 & 2”)


• “Banana Split Day”, saluting the ooey-gooey sundae concoction that’s served in a ‘boat’.

• “Home Business Month”, set aside to recognize the growing number of entrepreneurs who’ve set up shop in their own house. You may want to think twice about the idea: In a recent survey, 32% of those running home businesses say they’ve gained weight since. (Oh no, another new syndrome … ‘home office ass’!)

• “Kiss-and-Make-Up Day”, a day to make amends in relationships that have deteriorated. (Let’s see, there’s that ornery cab driver, that rip-off auto mechanic, the boss …)

• “Secondhand Wardrobe Day”, celebrating the joys of shopping consignment shops, thrift stores, and anywhere else a clothing bargain can be had. What’s the biggest ‘find’ you’ve ever come across?

1970 [39] Elton John makes his North American debut in an LA nightclub, opening for singer David Ackles (uh … who?)


1785 [224] 1st Issue of “Montréal Gazette”, oldest newspaper still in existence in Canada

1940 [69] 1st ‘Parachute Wedding’, as bride, groom, wedding party, minister & musicians all skydive over NYC (the honeymoon proves especially challenging!)

1960 [49] 1st time players’ names appear on the back of football uniforms (the old AFL)

1922 [87] ‘Highest-Scoring Major League Baseball game’ – Chicago Cubs 26, Philadelphia Phillies 23 (51 hits, 23 walks, 10 errors!)

1981 [28] Jeff Schwartz sets record for ‘Solo Trampoline Bouncing’ (266 hours, 9 minutes)

[Wed] Dog Day
[Wed] Women’s Equality Day
[Wed] La Tomatina (Bunol, Spain)
[Thurs] Global Forgiveness Day
[Fri] “The Final Destination”; “Halloween II”; “Taking Woodstock” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … Be Kind to Humankind Week
This Month Is … Get Ready for Kindergarten Month


• ‘Crosely Xervac Head Vacuum’ – A hose attached to a skull cap surrounded the head with suction power. The idea being that sucking more blood into the scalp would make hair grow.
• ‘Chest Hair Toupée’ – Available in black, brown, or grey, these chest pieces were made of real human hair.
• ‘Float-ees Swim Trunks’ – No more embarrassment over your inability to swim! Just blow up the concealed pockets in this swimsuit and – voila! – you float … ass up.
• ‘Heidelberg Electric Belt’ – Touted as a cure to a lack of  vitality and strength in the early 1900s, this gizmo sent electricity to the genitals. Ouch!
• ‘Model 25 Nose Shaper’ – Why waste thousands of dollars on a rhinoplasty when you can simply smoosh your nose into submission by wearing this strap-on shaper day and/or night?
• ‘A New Kind of Hat’ – Allied Merke Institute’s chrome dome hat promised to grow hair in 30 days if worn just 10 minutes per day. If that wasn’t enough, it also prevented mind control!
• ‘Prostate Warmer’ – Invented in 1918, this device consisted of a 4.25-inch probe which was plugged into the wall and then – OMG – inserted into the rectum. Gulp.
– ArtofManliness.com

What phrase(s) do you really hate to hear from your bedmate?

Try calling a large local hotel and asking about the strangest items left behind by guests. The lost & found list at Le Meridien Excelsior Hotel near London’s Heathrow Airport includes a white rabbit under a bed, live frogs in a bathtub, the radiator from a Ford, several sets of false teeth, and an artificial leg found in the hotel spa!


This morning’s show is more fun than fiberglass underwear.

Today’s Question: Nowadays this only takes about 10 seconds; a decade ago it took closer to 20 seconds.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Pumping a dollar’s-worth of gas into your vehicle.


Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing.

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