Monday, August 2, 2010        Edition: #4312
Eat, Breath Sheet!


• There’s been quite a shake up on “American Idol” (FOX). Ellen DeGeneres has announced she’s leaving the show, due to her heavy work schedule and discomfort with judging people and potentially hurting their feelings. Online rumors also say Kara DioGuardi has been fired. A CNN report suggests the replacement judges will be Jennifer Lopez and Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler, but so far nothing is confirmed.
• 22-year-old “Jersey Shore” star Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi was arrested Friday afternoon on ‘suspicion of disorderly conduct’. She was taken into custody after allegedly drinking alcohol in public while filming the MTV reality series in Seaside Heights NJ. A report suggests she was being ‘disorderly on the beach, bothering other patrons’. She was released hours later.
• As part of her sentence for breaching probation, 24-year-old Lindsay Lohan is apparently going to be whisked to the Malibu Beach Recovery Center upon her release from prison, a California rehab clinic that uses ‘holistic’ therapies such as yoga, meditation, and a focus on a healthy nutritious diet.
• Dolce & Gabbana has been signed up to design a range of clothing for English soccer team Chelsea FC. The Italian design house has a 3-year deal. Presumably both home and away ‘outfits’ will be included.
• 62-year-old composer/impresario Andrew Lloyd Webber might appear to be a bit of a bore but it turns out he’s one of Britain’s great eccentrics. At his castle in Ireland he recently disappeared after hosting a formal dinner party, then came back … dressed in a maid’s outfit. He insisted that ‘Andrew’ had left and ‘The Maid’ was cleaning up. Awesome.
• You may have thought there weren’t any more recordings of hair-trigger actor Mel Gibson shrieking into a phone. You would be wrong. It seems there are about 30 in total, if reports are to be believed, all recorded within a 10-hour period. And if they keep leaking at the current rate, we won’t hear the end of Mel Gibson’s frothing lunacy until the middle of September.
• 29-year-old former “Sopranos” actress Jamie-Lynn Sigler (‘Meadow’) has split from NY Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez after 3 months of dating. They were first romantically linked in April after meeting at a NYC party. An inside source suggests he just wants to have fun and win football games, while she wants to date a nice, honest guy … so he’s a little young for her.
– “Life & Style”
• “The Hills” star Heidi Montag, who walked out on former reality TV co-star-husband Spencer Pratt in May and filed for legal separation in June, has now filed for divorce in a Santa Monica CA court, citing irreconcilable differences. Montag’s lawyer says the couple has agreed they would like their divorce to be finalized ‘in a timely manner’.
• 62-year-old former US VP Al Gore has been cleared of allegations he inappropriately touched Portland OR masseuse Molly Hagerty during a hotel massage session in 2006. As part of the reopened investigation, detectives put Hagerty through a polygraph test which she apparently failed, and further forensic testing didn’t support her accusations. So the case has been dropped due to a ‘lack of credible evidence’.


• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC) – 4 more acts make it into the top 24; singer/songwriter Mike Posner (“31 Minutes to Takeoff”) performs; hip-hop crew JabbaWockeeZ perform.
• “The Bachelorette” (ABC) – Ali Fedotowsky invites the final 2 bachelors to Tahiti to meet her family, then gives out her final rose.
• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Reggae veteran Jimmy Cliff (“Existence”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Airborne Toxic Event (“The Airborne Toxic Event”).
• “Last Comic Standing” (NBC) – The final 5 comics perform; comedian Ron White performs.
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Enrique Iglesias (“Euphoria”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Trey Songz (“Passion, Pain & Pleasure”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Damian Marley & Nas (“Distant Relatives”).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Tom Morello & Boots Riley’s band Street Sweeper Social Club.
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Melissa Etheridge (“Fearless Love”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Queens Of the Stone Age (“Rated R”).


• Eminem – He’s become the first recording act to simultaneously have the #1 album (“Recovery”) and the #1 digital song (“Love the Way You Lie”) for 5 straight weeks.
• Julianne Hough – “In Touch Weekly” claims the “Dancing With the Stars” dancer-turned-country singer is taking her relationship with “American Idol” host Ryan Seacrest to the next level, as she’s set to move into his $11.5-million Nichols Canyon home in LA.
• Justin Bieber – The 16-year-old is said to be struggling with high-pitched songs as puberty takes its toll on his vocal cords, so he’s enlisted the help of a top singing coach.
• Kanye West – He’s announced via Twitter his upcoming album, due this
Fall, will no longer be titled “Good Ass Job”. He’s now bouncing around alternative titles.
• Michael Jackson – Producer Rodney ‘Darkchild’ Jerkins, who worked on the 2001 album “Invincible”, promises a posthumous album featuring 10 never-before-heard songs from the King of Pop will be released this November.
• Neil Young – Producer/musician Daniel Lanois tells “Rolling Stone” Young  is now mixing a new album which the two recorded together in Los Angeles earlier this year.


Irish discount airline Ryanair is on a Europe-wide search for sexy female cabin crew to strip down for its 2011 promo calendar. A Ryanair spokesperson says that, despite criticism of the idea by women’s groups, a recent poll of passengers indicates that female staff are the most popular choice for the calendar’s subjects. A majority of the 50,000 surveyed voted for monthly female models. (About 10% wanted 12 months of ‘Gavin’, the flight attendant supervisor.)


• Dry Mustard – Next time you take a bath  in Epsom salt, throw in a few tablespoons of yellow mustard as well. It helps relax stiff, sore muscles.
• Lemon – For a home manicure, add the juice of half-a-lemon to a cup of warm water and soak your fingertips in the mixture for 5 minutes. Then rub a slice of peel back & forth against nails.
• Oatmeal – To make a dry shampoo, blend 1 cup until it is a fine powder, then add 1 cup of baking soda. Rub a bit of the mixture into your hair for a few minutes, then brush or shake it out.
• Olive Oil – Can be used as emergency shaving cream. Not only does it make it easier for a razor to glide over your skin, it also helps to moisturize it at the same time.
• Powdered Milk – Make makeshift makeup remover by mixing 3 tablespoons of powdered milk with a third-of-a-cup of warm water in a jar and shaking well. Apply with a facecloth.
• Spearmint Gum – Need to settle your stomach gases and relieve heartburn? Chew a stick of spearmint gum. Spearmint acts as a digestive aid and its oils are an antiflatulent.
• Sugar – Sprinkle a pinch or two over the affected area of a tongue burned by hot pizza, coffee, tea, or soup. The pain will begin to subside immediately.
• Yoghurt – Apply cold plain yogurt for quick, temporary relief from mild sunburn pain. it adds much needed moisture while its coolness soothes the skin.
– Condensed from “Extraordinary Uses For Ordinary Things”


According to a new University of Vienna study, dogs automatically imitate the body movements of their owners. This automatic imitation is a crucial part of learning to socialize with humans. The Austrian researchers suggest that the phenomenon of ‘mirror neurons’ – where the sight of another’s body movement causes the observer to move in the same way – is also evident in other animals. (What quirky thing do you do that your dog imitates?)
– BBC Science


A new ranking of the worst movies that were based on hit TV shows …
5. “Sgt Bilko” (1996), starring Steve Martin.
4. “Scooby-Doo” (2002), with Sarah Michelle Gellar & Freddie Prinze Jr.
3. “Wild Wild West” (1999), starring Will Smith.
2. “The Flintstones” (1994), featuring Rosie O’Donnell as ‘Betty Rubble’.
1. “The Avengers” (1998), starring Ralph Fiennes & Uma Thurman.
Dishonorable mention: “Bewitched” (2005); “Lost In Space” (1998); “The Saint” (1997).

Catalonia, a region of northeastern Spain with a strong separatist movement, will become the first part of the country’s mainland to outlaw the centuries-old tradition of bullfighting. It has been banned in the Canary Islands for several years. The ban has been pushed by animal rights activists who want it extended across the entire country, but some Spaniards see the vote as having more to do with Catalonia’s drive to cut Madrid’s political influence rather than protection of animals. (Truth be told, a well executed clash in a bullring is far more humane than your average slaughterhouse.)
– “China Daily”


• He was thought to be the oldest man in Tokyo, Japan but when officials went to congratulate Sogen Kato on his 111th birthday, they discovered mummified skeletal remains lying in his bed. It seems Kato may have been dead for 30 years. (Now what to do with the cake and all those candles?)
– PA News
• The ‘World’s Largest Skateboard’ measures 8 feet, 8 inches wide; 36 feet, 7 inches long; and 3 feet, 7.5 inches high. It can be, and has been, ridden. (Yeah, but let’s see you do a kickflip on this baby!)
• has had its 20-billionth message posted. The landmark and rather opaque tweet was sent Saturday by GGGGGGo_Lets_Go, a Tokyo graphic designer for an advertising agency. It said: “So that means the barrage might come back later all at once.” (Huh?)


International athletes going to London for the 1948 Olympics had to bring their own towels. Things will be a tad different in 2012. (Tuesday marks 2 years to the day until the next Summer Games.)
– BBC News Magazine


1932 [78] Peter O’Toole, Connemara, Ireland, movie actor (“Ratatouille”, “Lawrence of Arabia”)/Lifetime Achievement Academy Award (2003)

1939 [71] Wes Craven, Cleveland OH, horror movie director (“Red Eye”, “Scream” films)

1964 [46] Mary-Louise Parker, Fort Jackson SC, TV actress (“Weeds” since 2005, “The West Wing” 2001-06)/movie actress (“Fried Green Tomatoes”)

1970 [40] Kevin Smith, Red Bank NJ, filmmaker (“Clerks”, “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back”)

1976 [34] Sam Worthington, Godalming UK [raised Perth, Australia], movie actor (“Avatar”, “Clash Of the Titans”)


• “Civic Holiday” in much of Canada, including MB, SK, NS, ON, and the NT (could it possibly have a duller name?). It’s also “British Columbia Day” in BC, “New Brunswick Day” in NB, and “Heritage Day” in Alberta. In Toronto, it’s “Simcoe Day”. For everyone else it’s … Monday.

• “Hair Loss Awareness Month”, as declared by the American Academy of Dermatology. Who’s the best looking bald celeb?

• “Ice Cream Sandwich Day”. Who cares why? Chow down!

• “International Humor Exchange Week”. Have listeners call in jokes in another language and get the laugh tracks ready.

• “Make Some Old-Fashioned Lemonade Day”, squeezing real lemons and using real sugar and real water.


1610 [400] Henry Hudson 1st enters what would become known as ‘Hudson Bay’ (leading to the 1st ‘Bay Days Sale’)

1967 [43] In their 1st-ever pre-season NFL game, the New Orleans Saints are throttled by the Rams 77-16 (it was a long journey to this year’s Super Bowl win)


1975 [35] Distance record for ‘Champagne Cork Popping’ of 103 feet set by Gary Mahan of La Habra Heights, California


[Tues] National Night Out
[Tues] Watermelon Day
[Tues] Green Day tour begins (Chula Vista CA)
[Wed] Chocolate Chip Day
[Thurs] International Beer Day
[Thurs] Underwear Day

Clown Week / Exhibitor Appreciation Week / Fraud Awareness Week / Psychic Week / Simplify Your Life Week / Single Working Women’s Week / World Breastfeeding Week


A highlight bit culled from 17 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• G: Nobody gets the girl.
• PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
• R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
• X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
• XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.


If you wanted to look really sexy, how would you dress?


• What does the Native American word ‘Kalamazoo’ mean?
a. ‘Stay Away from My Beavers’.
b. ‘Place Where the Water Boils’. [CORRECT. Thanks to the recent pipeline spill, it’s now the ‘Place Where the Water Oils’.]
c. ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’.

• Which is the quickest way to relax?
a. Hiccup.
b. Sneeze.
c. Yawn. [CORRECT. It sends a blast of oxygen into your system and stimulates blood flow to the brain, according to “Vitality” magazine.]


So many lawyers, so few bullets.


Today’s Question: The average home now has about 15 of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Doors.


Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

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