Wednesday, August 18, 2010        Edition: #4324
Thanks a Sheetload for Choosing “BS”!

19-year-old Montana Fishburne, who’s first adult film “An A-List Daughter Makes Her XXX Debut” is released today, has revealed her dad, “CSI” actor Laurence Fishburne, has cut all ties with her until she ‘turns her life around’ (her stage name is apparently ‘Chippy D’ – classy!) . . . A babysitter who was expected to be a key eyewitness to Mel Gibson’s alleged rages in his custody battle with ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva has died of cancer before hearings could get underway this week (how convenient) . . . Meantime, Gibson is said to be ‘without a scratch’ after driving his 2008 Maserati into a Malibu CA cliffside Sunday night, cops concluding the accident was both ‘non-intentional’ and not the result of DUI (Mel didn’t even swear or slander anyone!) . . . Doctors who’ve found a tumor in the throat of 65-year-old actor Michael Douglas say he’s expected to make a full recovery after 8 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy treatment (it’s never a cakewalk) . . . “Avatar” director James Cameron spent his recent 56th birthday in a submersible, deep beneath the waters of Russia’s Lake Baikal (where he watched caviar being made in 3-D) . . . The lucky gal who’s landed the movie role of ‘Lisbeth Salander’ in “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” (aka the most coveted part in Hollywood) is a relative unknown, “Nightmare on Elm Street” actress Rooney Mara (she’s likely to be signed for a 3-picture adaptation of Stieg Larsson’s entire “Millennium Trilogy”) . . . Reality TV star Kim Kardashian (“Keeping Up With the Kardashians”) has confirmed she’s dating another NFL player, Dallas Cowboy Miles Austin, but says she wants to ‘keep things a little more private this time around’ (then why the big announcement, hon’?) . . . 30-year-old famous person Jessica Simpson tells “Closer” magazine she wishes she could ‘take some off my chest and put it towards my butt so I could balance out a bit’ (don’t you just love it when she talks?) . . . And the giant ‘ring’ that Elisabetta Canalis recently brazenly flashed at photogs while dining out with actor-boyfriend George Clooney turns out to be just – a napkin ring (seems George’s penchant for practical jokes is contagious).

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Diddy (“Last Train to Paris”, out September 20th).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – TI (“King Uncaged”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The XX (“XX”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Macy Gray (“The Sellout”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Steel Train (“Trampoline”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – KISS (“Sonic Boom”).

• Beach Boys – Brian Wilson is releasing an album interpreting the works of 1920s composer George Gershwin, including 2 songs that were never completed.
• Guns N’ Roses – Finally, an explanation for the abrupt ‘cancellation’ of all their shows. It seems someone hacked into Axl Rose’s Twitter account and spread that false information. At least, that’s today’s explanation.
• Justin Timberlake – “Glee” star Lea Michele (‘Rachel Berry‘) is still banging the drum to land him a guest appearance on the show because ‘he sings, he dances, and he’s hilarious’. Word has it producers might be saving the idea for the much-anticipated post-Super Bowl episode.
• Kanye West – He’s reportedly stopped swearing in public in a bid to become ‘a perfect gentleman’.
• Pink Floyd – Their most popular albums have disappeared from the Internet after a distribution deal with their record label ran out. Reps for the group are now working on a new deal to licence their complete back catalogue for online download.
• Rosanne Cash – Her memoir, “Composed”, is out today. It’s full of personal recollections and anecdotes about her upbringing with a father, late singing legend Johnny Cash, who was often absent.

“Vampires Suck” ( R-Rated Comedy ): A spoof of vampire-themed movies, in which teenager ‘Becca’ (instead of ‘Bella’) finds herself torn between 2 guys. As she and her friends wrestle with a number of different dramas, everything comes to a head at their prom. No-name cast. Directed by Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, who also made the parody films “Disaster Movie”, “Meet the Spartans”, “Epic Movie”, and “Date Movie”.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Chimping’ – The action or practice of immediately reviewing each shot taken using a digital camera. (“Gimme the camera. I wanna see me acting spontaneous!”)
• ‘Glamping’ – Glamorous camping. (“Gareth, please ask the fire butler to spark a rustic campfire and then turn down our satin sleeping bags.”)
• ‘Twetiquette’ – Twitter etiquette. Consultant Laura Fitton, who advises businesses on how to utilize Twitter, sums it up this way: Be honest, interesting and unselfish. That means not just tweeting links to your own company or website. It also means when you tweet other people’s work or news, you shouldn’t make it look like a chore. (We sum it up thusly: Don’t tweet twash.)


Here are 6 things to keep to yourself while sitting at the negotiating table …
• Don’t Discuss Interest Rates – Even if you’ve already shopped interest rates at banks, credit unions, and/or other dealerships, keep potential rates a close-guarded secret.
• Don’t Talk Monthly Payments – Before setting foot into a dealership, know what you can afford and do not bring up monthly payment options right away. Make them show their hand first.
• Don’t Announce Your Trade-in Value – Experts recommend taking your vehicle to 2 or 3 dealerships or used car operations to get estimates of its worth.
• Don’t Make the Salesperson Your BFF – Keep any exchanges with a salesperson on a professional level; don’t swap life stories.
• Don’t Show Your Emotions – Even if a dealer has the car of your dreams, play it cool.
• Don’t Succumb to Pressure – Keep in mind, you can always return to the dealer later if you need more time to decide.


A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … women buy sexier clothes when they’re ovulating. Researchers from the University of Minnesota think that’s because the mating instinct causes them to subconsciously want to look more desirable than the competition. (Keep that in mind next time you watch ‘Snooki’ in a dress that barely covers her navel.)
• Scientists say … peasants back in the Middle Ages had healthier teeth than most people today, even though they never brushed. A study by Germany’s University of Witten/Herdecke concludes it was thanks to a jaw-breaking diet of raw vegetables and dry cereal. (Funny, in the movies they’re always eating slop.)
– Orange News
• Scientists say … gossip is healthy! A research team at State University of New York suggests that it’s ‘important in policing behaviors in a group and defining group membership’. (BS translation: Slagging famous folks is fun!)
– “NY Times”

• “Engaged? Already? But you just met him!”
• “Yea, you’re getting married! I know you’ll be inviting me so I’ll mark it on my calendar.”
• “You’re picking primary colors? But they’re so … bright.”
• “The meal is chicken? Kind of boring, no?”
•  “You should try that bridal boot camp to tone up your arms.”
• “I’m so broke because I’m going to your Caribbean wedding.”
– “Glamour Magazine”

English professor Lynn Rosenthal is a stickler for correct grammar. She doesn’t approve of Starbucks’ word usage, and after a recent argument with a barista, was forcibly removed from a NYC Starbucks location. What did she do? Refused to say ‘without butter or cheese’ when ordering a multigrain bagel. After all, when you go to Burger King, she contends, you don’t have to list the 6 things you don’t want. She also refuses to use the chain’s terminology of ‘tall’ or ‘venti’, instead ordering a ‘small’ or ‘large’ cup of joe. (‘Frappuccino’? That’s just cold coffee.)


78-year-old Vic Kleman has set a record by riding the ‘Jack Rabbit’ roller coaster at Kennywood Park in West Mifflin, Pennsylvania 90 times in one day … bringing his lifetime total to 4,000 rides since 1959. He amassed the record during a 5-hour marathon on the wooden coaster. It’s no spring chicken, either … it’s celebrating its 90th anniversary.


When Napoleon seized the Netherlands in 1810, he demanded that all Dutchmen take last names, just as the French had done decades prior. Problem was, the Dutch had lived full and happy lives with single names, so they took absurd surnames in a show of spirited defiance. These included Naaktgeboren (‘born naked’), Spring int Veld (‘jump in the field’), and Piest (‘pisses’). Sadly for their descendants, Napoleon’s last-name trend stuck, and all of these remain perfectly normal Dutch names today.


1933 [77] Roman Polanski, Paris, France, moviemaker (“The Ghost Writer”, 2002 Oscar-“The Pianist”)  BS FACTOID: He was released from house arrest in July after Swiss authorities rejected a US request for extradition due to a 32-year-old conviction for underage relations.

1936 [74] Robert Redford, Santa Monica CA, movie director (“A River Runs Through It”)/movie actor (“The Horse Whisperer”)/“Sundance Film Festival” founder (1978)

1957 [53] Denis Leary, Worcester MA, TV actor (“Rescue Me” since 2004)/movie actor (“Ice Age” films, “The Thomas Crown Affair”)

1962 [48] Felipe Calderon, Morelia, Mexico, President of Mexico since 2006

1969 [41] Edward Norton, Columbia MD, movie actor (“The Incredible Hulk”, “The Italian Job”)

1977 [33] Régine Chassagne, St-Lambert QC, rock musician (Arcade Fire-“Ready to Start”, “Keep the Car Running”)/married to group co-founder Win Butler

1992 [18] Frances Bean Cobain, LA CA, late Nirvana icon Kurt Cobain’s daughter and heir  BS FACTOID: Her estranged mother, Courtney Love, claims her daughter lives in a mansion by herself, with only a nanny, and collects a $40,000-a-month stipend.


• “Bad Poetry Day”, a day to compose some really rotten rhyme as revenge against all that ‘good poetry’ you were forced to study in school. Some valuable tips, from the online “How to Write Bad Poetry” guide …
1. When it comes to rhyming, near enough is always good enough.
2. Nothing rivals an incongruous bit of gratuitous name-dropping to diminish a poem’s worth.
3. Truly awful poetry can be written at lightning speed. However, sometimes the longer you agonize over it, the more you will cause others to do so, too.

• “Cupcake Day”, honoring the teeny little treat that doesn’t really count as cheating on your diet  … too small, right?

• “Long Tan Day” in Australia. Nope, nothing to do with lying about in the Sun, it’s named after the Battle of Long Tan during the Vitenam War (aka ‘Vietnam Veterans’ Day’).

• “Winnie’s Hometown Festival”, the 22nd annual through Sunday in White River ON to celebrate local-bear-made-good, ‘Winnie-the-Pooh’.


1930 [80] ‘Pluto’ the dog debuts in the Walt Disney cartoon “The Chain Gang”


1960 [50] By some accounts, The Beatles first perform under that name as they open what becomes a 3-month engagement at the Indra Club in Hamburg, Germany … their first performance outside England

1922 [88] 1st ‘Caesar Salad’ is concocted in Tijuana, Mexico (named for ‘Caesar’s Restaurant’)


[Thurs] Aviation Day
[Thurs] Medical Dosimetrist Day
[Thurs] SuperEx begins (Ottawa)
[Fri] CNE begins (Toronto)
[Fri] Virtual Worlds Day
[Fri] Men’s Grooming Day
[Fri] Hug Your Boss Day
[Sat] PNE begins (Vancouver)
[Sat] Homeless Animals Day
[Sat] Senior Citizens Day
This Week Is … Weird Contest Week
This Month Is … Immunization Awareness Month


A few little nuggets of knowledge to help make your life easier …
• If you’re applying for a job at UPS, don’t send in your presentation by Purolator.
• If your computer says ‘Printer Out of Paper’, the problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the ‘OK’ button.
• Old phone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names of people you don’t know.
• Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. The subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea should enable you to lose as much as 12 lbs in only 2 days.
• Avoid getting a ticket by leaving your windshield wipers turned on whenever you park your car illegally.
• Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The clippings will be much easier to spot on your bathroom floor.
• Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dishwashing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Right at this very minute … what is in your pockets?

BS WEB GOODIE: is a social network designed to persuade people to exercise more often by engaging them in quick ‘if/then’ challenges with friends. A user might enter a challenge like this on the site: ‘I will walk the dog for 20 minutes if you will ride a unicycle around the block.’

I’m not myself today. Maybe I’m you.

Today’s Question: Studies show we do THIS an average of 10 times a day.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Second guess ourselves.

You will never be younger than you are today.

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