BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
It’s not quite a done deal but sources tell “Us Weekly” this is 100% happening – Nicki Minaj will be joining Mariah Carey at the judges’ table on FOX-TV’s “American Idol” (pay for one judge, get a whole cast of characters!) . . . Lisa Whelchel (aka ‘Blair’ from “The Facts of Life” 1979-88) will return from obscurity to compete on the next season of CBS-TV’s “Survivor” (along with some pretty faces who failed at professional modeling) . . . Kim Kardashian’s soon-to-be-ex Kris Humphries says his parents are now getting a divorce as well (see what you did, KK?) . . . 70-year-old movie star Harrison Ford has shaved his head (the good news is – he seems to have lost the goofy-looking earring) . . . ‘Superman’ actor Henry Cavill & his international show-jumper fiancée Ellen Whitaker have split after a 3-year relationship (you picked the wrong time, girl – “Man of Steel” is due next year!) . . . “Breaking Bad” star Bryan Cranston is directing an episode of “The Office” that’s being taped this week, according to actor Rainn Wilson’s Instagram (we’re betting this is gonna be one weird episode!) . . . Recently engaged actress Jennifer Aniston has been spotted stepping out with a simple gold band on her ring finger (tease!) . . . Word has it the now-shooting 4th season of “Glee” (FOX) is morphing into the story of ‘Rachel’ and ‘Kurt’ in NYC (once rumored to be the premise for a spinoff) . . . Former talk show host Rosie O’Donnell is said to be doing better after suffering a heart attack last week (time to work it out, girl) . . . And a new poll on the ‘Favorite All-Time Action Hero’ has selected Arnold Schwarzenegger as tops, beating out his “Expendables 2” co-stars Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, and Bruce Willis (it’s obviously not based on acting ability).

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC/CityTV) – 4 wildcard acts advance to the semi-finals.
• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – The Flaming Lips (“The Flaming Lips & Heady Fwends”). Rerun.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Ingrid Michaelson (“Girls & Boys”). Rerun.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Poliça (“Give You the Ghost”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Jay Rock (“Follow Me Home”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – 1990s post-hardcore band Quicksand.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Elle King (“The Elle King EP”).
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – Benjamin Millepied, and LA Dance Project perform; top 10 finalists perform; 2 dancers are sent home.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Emeli Sandé (“Our Version of Events”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• The Black Keys – In new court filings, both Pizza Hut and Home Depot are denying they ripped off songs from The Black Keys for recent ad campaigns. The Keys sued the companies earlier this year, claiming elements of “Lonely Boy” and “Gold On the Ceiling” had been pirated.
• Green Day – They have their own edition of mobile phone game ‘Angry Birds Friends’, which is now available at greenday.com/angrybirds. The musical episode of the game features 10 new levels, as well as new pig characters inspired by the members of the band.
• Jennifer Lopez – She’s picking up on the fad for 3-D concert films, having camera crews record her current tour of North America with Enrique Iglesias. Her manager Benny Medina says the project will document J-Lo’s ‘trials and tribulations behind the scenes and onstage’.
• Lauryn Hill – The reclusive former pop star is facing another bill for alleged unpaid taxes just weeks after pleading guilty to failing to file returns. She faces up to 3 years in jail and a $75,000-fine when she is sentenced in November.
• Madonna – She’s reportedly being been sued by a group of Russian anti-gay activists for $10 million. The group claims she insulted them by speaking up in favor of gay rights at a concert in St Petersburg earlier this month.
• Psy [pronounced ‘P-S-Y’, not ‘sigh’] –  Since its release on YouTube, the Korean singer’s single “Gangnam Style” has achieved over 43 million hits. The title is Korean slang for the luxurious lifestyle associated with the trendy Gangnam district of Seoul.
• Wynonna Judd – Her husband Michael Moser (aka ‘Cactus’) has had his left leg amputated after a weekend motorcycle accident near Hill City SD. Judd was uninjured but postponed a series of gigs in Canada this week immediately after the accident.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENING:
“Hit & Run” ( R-Rated Romantic Comedy ): A former getaway driver jeopardizes his Witness Protection Plan identity in order to help his girlfriend get to Los Angeles. The feds and his former gang chase them on the road. Stars Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Bradley Cooper, Kristin Chenoweth.
NET: http://www.hitandrunmovie.com

BS BUZZWORDS:
New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Apple Picking’ – Snatching a person’s iPhone, iPad, or iPod. The lucrative secondhand market means a used iPad or iPhone can fetch more than $400. (How long before sleeve disguises are on the market? Put a Microsoft logo on them and no one would steal ‘em!)
• ‘Click Bait’ – To put something on a website that will attract users to click on a link. (See nude models here: WOW!)
• ‘Green Tape’ – Excessive environmental regulations and guidelines that must be followed before an official action can be taken. (“The government is looking to cut green tape by only digitally publishing the red tape surrounding stimulus packages from now on.”)

HOW TO CRAFT THE PERFECT APOLOGY:
According to a new study, if you want people to truly forgive you, you have to apologize with both words and actions. A step-by-step guide:
1. Own Up – First,  take ownership of the issue and acknowledge that whatever happened to cause the kerfuffle is your fault.
2. Make Amends – Now it’s time to apologize. Say you’re sorry, and that you realize the repercussions of your actions.
3. Fix Your Mistake – Physically make up for the mistake by offering up something that goes at least part way toward balancing it off.
– Condensed from “Men’s Health”

UNINHOBBITED … SO FAR:
An entire village like those inhabited by the hobbits from JRR Tolkien’s “The Lord Of the Rings” is planned for a Stockholm island. The Swedish hobbit houses, in Dromgarden on the island of Musko, will be constructed with natural materials such as straw, clay, and timber, and erected on the edge of a forest overlooking some fields. (At last, a retirement home for
‘Frodo Baggins’!)
– TheLocal.se

NEW BS GIZMOS & GADGETS:
The following are really available, and also really dumb …
✓ Gaming Cabinet With Beer Tap by Arkeg. So focused on the videogame your beer got warm? Never worry about dehydration from intense gaming with this built-in draft system. $3,999.
NET: http://www.drinkngame.com/buy.html
✓ Beef Straws from Benny’s. To really make your Bloody Mary a meal, you need a meat straw. As the popular life motto goes: “Get drunk, then eat the straw.” Price for 30 … $23.95.
NET: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B006GIYFRE/?tag=firworliv-20
✓ Salt Made From Tears by Hoxton Street Monster Supplies. The freshest human tears are purportedly boiled, crystalized, then harvested by hand. $46.76 per bottle.
NET: http://www.monstersupplies.org/products/salt-made-from-tears-range
– Selections from FirstWorldLiving.com

MORE GIRLY HABITS GUYS DON’T GET:
Perplexing mysteries about the female from a guy’s perspective …
✗ Vases – If we bought you enough flowers to fill up all the empty containers of varying shapes and sizes in your house, we’d bankrupt ourselves.
✗ Foot Lotion – Is what goes on your face or hands not good enough for your feet?
✗ Bathroom Scale – You never use it, and thinking about it collecting dust under the sink just makes you cranky.
✗ Clutches – No, we will not hold your wallet, keys, brush, and cellphone. You chose to carry that useless bag.
✗ Decorative Pillows – If we’re not allowed to rest our heads on them, and you’re not using them to playfully beat your cute yoga instructor during a slumber party, there’s really no point.
✗ Wedge Heels – C’mon, ladies … no cheating.
✗ Upper Lip Hair Bleach – Uh, it makes hair white, not invisible.
✗ Eyelash Curler – It looks like a medieval torture device. Besides, aren’t eyelashes already curly?
– Excerpted from ModernMan.com

SCIENTISTS SAY:
A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … men who marry ugly women live an average 12 years longer than those with beautiful wives.  According to a Yale study, men with gorgeous spouses are so worried about losing their woman to another man that they go out of their way to please her, adding a great deal of stress to their lives. (So ugly women are just grateful?)
• Scientists say … the older you get, the less you smell. The American Aging Association says that’s because your odor-making apocrine glands become less productive as you age. (How do you explain that ripe fog that’s always surrounding grandpa then?)
• Scientists say … women who drink at least 3 cups of coffee daily reduce their chances of becoming pregnant by 27%, according to a recent study. (The reason college men now ask co-eds, “Are you on the mug?”)

DID YOU KNOW?
Most of us have 24 ribs (12 pairs), but 1-in-20 people have an extra rib.
– GreatFacts.com

BS CHRONOMETER 08.22.12

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1945 [67] Steve Kroft, Kokomo IN, CBS News correspondent (“60 Minutes” since 1989)

1967 [45] Ty Burrell, Grants Pass OR, TV actor (‘Phil Dunphy’ on “Modern Family” since 2009)

1972 [40] Paul Doucette, North Huntington PA, rock guitarist (Matchbox Twenty-“These Hard Times”, “Unwell”)

1973 [39] Howie Dorough (Dwaline), Orlando FL, pop singer (Backstreet Boys-“Just Want You to Know”, “I Want It That Way”)

1973 [39] Kristen Wiig, Canandaigua NY, movie actress (“Bridesmaids”, “How to Train Your Dragon”)/TV comic (“Saturday Night Live” since 2005)

1974 [38] Bo Koster, Louisville KY, rock keyboardist (My Morning Jacket-“Holdin’ On to Black Metal”, “Friends Again”)

1975 [37] Dean Back, Delta BC, rock bassist-vocalist (Theory Of a Deadman-“Lowlife”, “Bad Girlfriend”)

1978 [34] Jeff (Jean Francois) Stinco, Montréal QC, rock guitarist (Simple Plan-“Untitled [How Could This Happen To Me?]”, “Perfect”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Be an Angel Day”, a day to do ‘one small act of service for someone’.

• “Southern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day”, a time for everyone in the southern hemisphere to go outdoors at noon at yell ‘Hoodie-Hoo!’ to chase away Winter and make ready for Spring.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2006 [06] Paramount Pictures severs ties with actor Tom Cruise after 14 years, citing ‘bizarre antics’ (sofa-jumping) and ‘erratic behavior’ off–screen (BS translation: obsessive devotion to Scientology)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
2003 [09] Norwegian Elvis impersonator Kjell Bjornestad sets a new world record by performing ‘The King’s musical repertoire for 26 consecutive hours (not banned by Geneva Conventions?)

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1989 [23] British Telecom unveils world’s 1st ‘Pocket Phones’ (that handy little drain for disposing of excess income)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1998 [14] Farmers in Westlock, Alberta set ‘Guinness World Record’ by using 64 combines to harvest 63 hectares (155 acres) in 15 minutes, 43 seconds

2007 [05] Texas Rangers rout Baltimore Orioles 30-3, the ‘Most Runs Scored’ by a team in modern Major League Baseball history

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Day For The Remembrance Of the Slave Trade & Its Abolition
[Fri] “The Apparition”; “Premium Rush” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Reading & Leeds Festivals begin (UK)
[Fri] Waffle Day
[Sat] International Bat Night
[Sat] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Sat] Secondhand Wardrobe Day
This Week Is … Be Kind to Humankind Week
This Month Is … Panini Month

BULL’S BITS

MORE BS SIGNS YOU’RE HAVING A BAD DAY:
✗ Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.
✗ Your mother approves of the person you are dating.
✗ Your plants do better when you don’t talk to them.
✗ You step on the talking weigh scale and it says, “One at a time please.”
✗ Your 4-year-old tells you that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
✗ Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
✗ You find yourself sitting at the end of the road waiting for the stop sign to turn green.

BS PHONE STARTER:
☎ What did you do to pass the time during boring road trips as a kid?

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
Which of the following words is a tautonym?
a. Leotard
b. Tutu [CORRECT. A tautonym is a word containing two identical parts, like ‘poo-poo’.]
c. Tiara
– Halife.com

BS RANDOM JOKE:
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.

MORE REAL BUT REALLY WEIRD HEADLINES:
Like Jay Leno’s ‘Headlines’, only funny ….
• “World War 2 Bomber Found On Moon”
• “Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons”
• “Lovesick Gardener Marries Lettuce”
• “Mom Gives Birth to 8-Lb Trout”
• “Bus Found Buried at South Pole”
• “Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off After Age 25”
• “One-Armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers”
– Oddee.com

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: For most of us, THIS only takes 5 minutes or less.
Answer: Preparing breakfast.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Life’s simple … fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches.