Thursday, August 22, 2013        Edition: #5052

Avoid Sheet Fits – Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription!

✶ Melanie Griffith’s actress-daughter Dakota Johnson has emerged as the favorite for the female lead in the bigscreen adaptation of EL James’ raunchy bestseller “Fifty Shades of Grey”. The 23-year-old former model, whose father is “Miami Vice” legend Don Johnson, is said to have the edge over more recognized names as she’s considered a fresh face with few film credits. “Sons of Anarchy” actor Charlie Hunnam is the latest actor linked to the role of masochistic billionaire ‘Christian Grey’ in the film. (It’s taking a loooooong time to get this film cast, let alone made.)
✶ A 19-year-old Florida teen & his 41-year-old mother have been arrested on suspicion of illegally accessing the personal accounts of a slew of celebs, including Ashton Kutcher, Beyoncé, Kim Kardashian, Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton, and Tom Cruise. Agents discovered wire transfer evidence in their apartment as well as a flashdrive full of info being used to steal money and credit cards. It seems the thieves phoned credit card companies pretending to be their famous targets, changed the addresses on the accounts, then asked for replacement cards to be mailed to them. (How could such an obvious scam ever be successful?)
✶ Netflix has made yet another bold move – this time with movies – to try and maintain its monthly payments from content-happy consumers. A new deal with The Weinstein Co has secured Netflix rights to stream all of the filmmaker’s movies beginning in 2016. That means every movie Weinstein releases will end up on Netflix once the film has a physical release, ie: DVD. (These kinds of deals will likely spell the end of DVDs as they become rapidly outmoded.)
✶ And Gisele Bundchen has been named ‘World’s Richest Model’ for the 7th year in-a-row. The 33-year-old Brazilian has a net worth of $42 million, thanks to her lucrative endorsement deals with H&M, Chanel, Pantene and David Yurman. Those remarkable earnings have proven tough to top as former Victoria’s Secret model, Miranda Kerr, lags in 2nd place with a mere $7 million. Overall, 8-of-the-top-10 models are either current Victoria’s Secret Angels or have modeled for the lingerie label in the past. (Walking around in your undies apparently pays off.)

• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Robin Thicke (“Blurred Lines”). Rerun.
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – Nelly Furtado (“The Spirit Indestructible”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Mayer Hawthorne (“A Strange Arrangement”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Pierce the Veil (“Collide With the Sky”). Rerun
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Fall Out Boy (“Save Rock & Roll”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – MGMT(“MGMT”, out September 17th).
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Robert Randolph (“Lickety Split”). Rerun.

• Aerosmith – They’ve axed August festival appearances in Shanghai, China and Taipei, Taiwan, claiming the promoter is ‘unable to meet contractual obligations’. On their official website, Steven Tyler says they’re ‘upset’ about disappointing fans and hope to reschedule.
• Britney Spears – Her official website now features a countdown clock which appears to be counting the days until September 17th. The site says simply “All Eyes On Me” with no further explanation. It’s thought it may have to do with the follow-up album to 2011’s “Femme Fatale”.
• Chris Young – His tour resumed last night in Mountain View CA after his recovery from leg surgery to heal an infection. His new album, “A.M.”, drops September 17th.
• Depeche Mode – Tonight the North American leg of their “Delta Machine” tour opens in Detroit MI and runs through October 8th in Phoenix AZ.
• Foo Fighters – Guitarist Chris Shiflett tells “Rolling Stone” they’ll start recording a new album at the beginning of next year. Dave Grohl has confirmed the material has already been written.
• Jo Dee Messina – As part of her Kickstarter campaign to fund her new album, she asked fans to vote on which song should be it’s 1st single. And the vote goes to … “Peace Sign”.
• Luke Bryan – He’s had the biggest album debut by a male country singer in nearly 9 years, as “Crash My Party” has sold over a half-million copies in its first week.
• Neil Young & Crazy Horse – In addition to the remaining dates on their European tour, they’ve now had to cancel their North American tour dates scheduled August 31st-September 7th due to the hand injury sustained by guitarist Poncho Sampredo.
• One Direction – Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood has been giving Niall Horan lessons. The two apparently forged a friendship after meeting backstage during the Stones’ North American tour earlier this year. Tuesday night, Wood showed up for the world premiere of One D’s new documentary film, “This is Us”.

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “Business Trip” – James Marsden (“X-Men”) & Brit comic actor Nick Frost are in talks to join Vince Vaughn’s new comedy caper. The story centers around an American businessman’s trip to Europe which ends in debauchery and chaos. “Business Trip” is being produced for release next year.
• “Focus” – In this upcoming thriller, Will Smith plays a master conman who falls in love with his young protegée, played by Australian actress Margot Robbie. But he’s thrown off his game when his former flame reappears just as he prepares to stage an elaborate heist in Buenos Aires. “Focus” was originally imagined as a starring vehicle for Ryan Gosling & Emma Stone.
• “House of Versace” – Gina Gershon stars as Donatella Versace in this Lifetime TV biopic. The film follows the fashion house head as she is forced to deal with the death of her brother, designer Gianni Versace, who was murdered in 1997 by spree killer Andrew Cunanan. Raquel Welch has also joined the cast, playing Donatella’s aunt. The film airs in October.
• “Red Blooded American” – Bradley Cooper is now in talks to produce and star in Jay Roach’s Lance Armstrong biopic after previously being linked to JJ Abrams’ movie on the disgraced cyclist. There are now a total of 3 films in development about the 7-time Tour de France winner who was banned from cycling and stripped of his medals after admitting to doping.
• “Twilight Zone” – Joseph Kosinski is in negotiations to direct this sci-fi flick being produced by actor Leonardo DiCaprio’s production company. The movie is based on Rod Serling’s popular 1959-64 TV show which was later made into a 1983 film. Kosinski most recently directed sci-fi blockbuster “Oblivion”, which starred Tom Cruise & Morgan Freeman.

Baby strollers may be training our kids to be passive, uninquisitive … and fat! Of course, a stroller makes a lot of sense for children under a year-old, but nowadays kids are seemingly being parked and pushed in strollers at ever increasing ages. So what’s wrong with that? For one thing, it removes an outlet for burning calories. Developmental experts also suggest shielding children from the inconvenience of walking may affect language development as kids can’t watch their parents’ faces as they talk. And it also eliminates children’s need to make small, constant decisions, which is how we learn to navigate and avoid hazards. (50 years ago, parent’s made kids walk while secured to a harness … an idea due for a comeback?).
– Sourced from

The distillery behind Baileys Irish Cream is introducing what it calls ‘molten chocolate cake’ in a glass. Its new product, Baileys Chocolat Luxe, is made with Madagascan vanilla, Belgian chocolate, and whiskey. The project took 3 years, 200 varieties of chocolate, and 839 failed experiments to create. The result is said to be something you can pour and drink at room temperature that offers the multi-sensory experience of eating chocolate. The new drink will roll out first in the UK this October. (Almost worth the airfare!)
– Agence France-Presse

Online professional social-networking site LinkedIn is hoping to expand its appeal beyond working professionals by lowering its minimum user-age to 14 next month. The idea is to indoctrinate high school and college students into peer networking so they have a base to build on when they enter the workplace. A few tips on Linkedin etiquette we all might consider …
• DON’T send people you don’t know requests to connect. Being spammed 3 or more times by someone you don’t know is annoying.
• DO make sure the person you’re looking to network with is already a LinkedIn member. Being spammed by someone you don’t know about something you don’t use is even more annoying.
• DON’T lie on your profile. This isn’t Facebook or Twitter where you make up stuff just to appear ‘cool’. You need to act and sound like a professional.
• DO list your achievements, even the small ones. Proofread your profile to make sure there are no errors or typos.
• DON’T overshare. Professional contacts don’t want to see photos from your personal life.
• DO have a clear, professional-looking headshot as your profile picture.
– Adapted from AP

Growing up with a bunch of brothers and sisters may decrease a person’s chance of getting divorced when they reach adulthood, according to a new Ohio State University study. In fact, a person’s likelihood of getting divorced seems to drop by 2% for each additional sibling, up to 7. The effect doesn’t seem to apply for smaller numbers as little difference is noted between only children and those with a single sib. The study doesn’t prove any direct cause-and-effect, researchers say, but suggests people with multiple siblings develop negotiating skills that prove helpful later in life. (As in: “Let go of my hair, Billy … or I’ll scream for Mom!”)

• A Saudi Arabia man who may be the Heaviest Person in the World is now getting proper medical treatment … thanks to his king. King Abdullah ordered that 20-year-old Khalid Mohsen Shaeri, who weighs 1,345 lbs (610 kg), be removed from his Jazan home to receive proper treatment. After 6 months of planning, a forklift was used to extract Shaeri from the 2nd floor of the building. He’s been airlifted to a medical center in Riyadh where he’ll undergo surgery. (This guy could not ride in your Ford F-150 ½-ton.)
• For the re-opening of its 12,000-sq ft Beverly Hills CA boutique, French luxury fashion label Hermès (‘AIR-mez’) has unveiled a basketball that’s priced at … $12,900. It comes in blue and is made of calfskin leather using the same hand-stitched technique employed to make the brand’s renowned ‘Birkin’ bags. Only 2 of the overpriced basketballs have been created. And yes, they can be bounced and dribbled just like a regular ball. (You need NBA-type money to buy one.)

1-in-4 dogs are clinically depressed and show signs of it by pacing, chasing their tail, howling, and pooping, a new study says. A group called Home Alone Dogs says the reason for all the downer dogs is that so many pooches are left at home during the day and miss their masters.


1945 [68] Steve Kroft, Kokomo IN, CBS News correspondent (“60 Minutes” since 1989)

1967 [46] Ty Burrell, Grants Pass OR, TV actor (‘Phil Dunphy’ on “Modern Family” since 2009)

1972 [41] Paul Doucette, North Huntington PA, pop-rock guitarist (Matchbox Twenty-“These Hard Times”, “Unwell”)

1973 [40] Howie Dorough (Dwaline), Orlando FL, pop singer (Backstreet Boys-“Just Want You to Know”, “I Want It That Way”)

1973 [40] Kristen Wiig, Canandaigua NY, movie actress (“Bridesmaids”, “How to Train Your Dragon”)/TV comic (“Saturday Night Live” 2005-12)  COMING UP: “Anchorman: The Legend Continues”, opening December 20th.

1974 [39] Bo Koster, Louisville KY, rock keyboardist (My Morning Jacket-“Holdin’ On to Black Metal”, “Friends Again”)

1975 [38] Dean Back, Delta BC, rock bassist-vocalist (Theory Of a Deadman-“Lowlife”, “Bad Girlfriend”)

1978 [35] Jeff (Jean Francois) Stinco, Montréal QC, rock guitarist (Simple Plan-“Untitled [How Could This Happen To Me?]”, “Perfect”)

• “Be an Angel Day”, a day to do ‘one small act of service for someone’.

• “Southern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day”, a time for everyone in the southern hemisphere to go outdoors at noon at yell ‘Hoodie-Hoo!’ to chase away Winter and make ready for Spring.

2006 [07] Paramount Pictures severs all ties with actor Tom Cruise after 14 years, citing ‘bizarre antics’ (sofa-jumping) and ‘erratic behavior’ off-screen (BS translation: obsessive devotion to Scientology)

2003 [10] Norwegian Elvis impersonator Kjell Bjornestad sets a new world record by performing ‘The King’s musical repertoire for 26 consecutive hours (not banned by Geneva Conventions?)

1989 [24] British Telecom unveils world’s 1st ‘Pocket Phone’ (that handy little drain for disposing of excess income)

1998 [15] Farmers in Westlock, Alberta set ‘Guinness World Record’ by using 64 combines to harvest 63 hectares (155 acres) in 15 minutes, 43 seconds

2007 [06] Texas Rangers rout Baltimore Orioles 30-3, the ‘Most Runs Scored’ by a team in modern Major League Baseball history

[Fri] “The World’s End”; “You’re Next” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Reading & Leeds Festivals begin (UK)
[Sat] International Bat Night
[Sun] 2013 MTV Video Music Awards (Brooklyn NY)
[Sun] Go Topless Day
This Week Is … Be Kind to Humankind Week
This Month Is … Panini Month


✗ Tipsy Uncle Lou keeps falling ass-first into the potato salad.
✗ The store was out of burgers and hot dogs so you’ve had to invent BBQ Ramen noodles.
✗ The blanket you’re sitting on seems to have an irregular spotted pattern.
✗ The caraway seeds in the coleslaw look suspiciously like deer ticks.
✗ Your mom’s inventive snacks include Vienna sausages wrapped in fruit roll-ups.
✗ That little campfire you lit for ambiance has now consumed 5,000 acres.
✗ Instead of mayonnaise, elderly Aunt Louise has used Vicks Vap-O-Rub on sandwiches.
✗ Droves of ants and flies are being taken away in tiny ambulances.
✗ Two words: Grilled Spam.

☎ You’ve just won a $10-million lottery jackpot. Do you continue working? Do you keep your present job? (Perhaps surprisingly in a new Gallup poll, 66% say they’d keep working, 44% in their current job. Just 35% say they’d quit working.)

Over a third of us pound the ‘snooze button’ an average of 3 times each morning. So how much extra Z-time do you get each time you hit ‘snooze’?
a. 4 minutes.
b. 9 minutes. [CORRECT. That’s been the industry norm ever since GE marketed the 1st ‘snooze alarm’ in 1956.]
c. 13 minutes.
– “Charlotte Observer”

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.

Question: According to a survey, the average one of THESE lasts 9 hours, 45 minutes.
Answer: Hangover.

Remember, even if you win the rat race … you’re still a rat.

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