Wednesday, August 24, 2011       Edition: #4578
Avoid Sheet Fits – Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription!

73-year-old actress Jane Fonda has felt the need to inform us she’s quit taking the male hormone testosterone to boost her sex drive because it was giving her acne (WTMI … Way Too Much Information) . . . 23-year-old singer/actress Hilary Duff has reportedly been axed from the role of ‘Bonnie Parker’ in the upcoming movie remake “The Story of Bonnie & Clyde”, apparently because she’s pregnant and shooting is already scheduled for this fall (she reportedly won’t sue – she’s too excited about mommyhood) . . . 35-year-old actress Kate Winslet (“Titanic”) carried Richard Branson’s elderly mother to safety after the tycoon’s luxury home on Necker Island in the Caribbean burned down around them on Sunday (we can already picture that movie scene!) . . . Actress Megan Fox (“Transformers” and, more recently, “Transformers”) tells Italian magazine “Amica” she’s having her Marilyn Monroe tattoo removed because “it is a negative character, as she suffered from personality disorders and was bipolar” (at least she made more than 1 movie) . . . The little kid who used to play ‘Don & Betty Draper’s son ‘Bobby’ on “Mad Men” (AMC) has some advice for the actor who’s taking over the role: “Be careful around January Jones – she’s not as approachable as the others” (hmm, seems she’s not acting when chewing out the lad) . . . The cast for the next “Survivor” (CBS) has been announced and it features the nephew of infamous multi-show bad-guy Russell, 19-year-old Brandon Hantz (“Survivor: South Pacific” kicks off September 14th) . . . The first 2 of many expected lawsuits have been filed in connection with the stage collapse at the Indiana State Fair, an attorney representing a survivor and her partner who died looking for a total of $60 million (someone’s about to battle bankruptcy) . . . And acting couple Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner expecting a 3rd child together, adding to a family that already includes 5-year-old Violet and 2-year-old Serephina (they’re averaging a kid every 2 years – trying to outdo Brangelina?).

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Christina Perri (“lovestrong”). Rerun.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Alison Krauss & Union Station (“Paper Airplane”). Rerun.
• “God Bless Ozzy Osbourne” – Tonight & Monday this documentary by the filmmaker son of Ozzy, Jack Osbourne, screens in selected movie theaters. The film promises never-before-seen footage, interviews, and recent solo tour clips of the classic rocker.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Bush (“The Sea of Memories”, out September 13th). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Interpol (“Interpol”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Reunited 1980s Brit group Big Audio Dynamite; Tony Bennett (“Duets II”, coming September 20th). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – Stewart Copeland (The Police).
• “Rock Allegiance Tour” – This first-ever month-long rock trek kicks off tonight in the Dallas suburb of Grand Prairie, Texas. On the bill: Buckcherry, Papa Roach, Puddle of Mudd and more. The selling point is 7 hard-rocking bands for under $30.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Mat Kearney (“Young Love”). Rerun.

• Dierks Bentley – This week “Am I The Only One” tops both the “Billboard” magazine ‘Country Singles’ chart and the “Country Aircheck”/Mediabase chart. It’s his 8th #1 as a singer and songwriter.
• Gavin DeGraw – Tonight in Columbia, Maryland he’s scheduled to return to the stage to open for Maroon 5 and Train for the first time since he was brutally attacked August 7th in NYC’s East Village. His new album “Sweeter” is set for release September 20th.
• Rod Stewart – Tonight the 66-year-old begins a 2-year Vegas residency at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace. The show “Rod Stewart: The Hits” concentrates on the most popular tunes from his 40-year career. Quote: “There won’t be any magicians or midgets, just a good rock show.”
• Tim McGraw / Faith Hill – ‘Barbie’-maker Mattel is releasing a plastic-doll version of the country couple. He’s in a black suit & tie with signature black cowboy hat; she’s clad in a black lace & silver-sequined floor-length gown. They come together as a gift set for $69.95. It’s expected to ship around September 1st.

When it comes to less-than-pearly whites, coffee’s not the only culprit. Watch out for these little-known teeth tainters …
• White Wine – It’s actually more acidic than red wine, and acid breaks down tooth enamel, making it more likely to absorb color from food or drinks. That means if you drink white wine while enjoying, say, a plate of berries, your teeth are at risk.
• Orange Juice – Also acidic, it’s especially damaging when paired with a dark beverage (like coffee). Daily glasses of OJ can also leave your mouth more prone to stains because the acid continues to break down enamel over time. Try diluting your juice with water or seltzer.
• Swimming – If you swim for several hours a week, you could end up with spots called ‘swimmer’s calculus’. The high pH of the chemicals in pool water causes proteins to harden into a dark brown tartar. You’ll likely need professional cleaning several times per year.
– Condensed from “Woman’s Day”

New terms leaking into our lingo …
• ‘Batmaning’ – Planking? That’s so July 2011. We moved on to ‘owling’ and then ‘horsemaning’ for a while, but those burned out too. The new black is ‘batmaning’, hanging upside-down from a door using only your feet. Dumb? Yeah. But good for circulation!
• ‘Crowdfunding’ – Using the Internet to ask the public for small financial contributions to support projects, often charities or arts enterprises. Some have even created crowdfunding campaigns to raise money for personal travel or a root canal. (In olden days, this was known as ‘begging’.)
• ‘The Pencil’ – Las Vegas slang for a pit boss who can throw room, food, and beverage comps your way. (“The blond showgirl was good to go, but I wasn’t going anywhere until the pencil comped my card.”)

De Santos has become the first restaurant in NYC (perhaps anywhere) that takes and manages food orders … on iPads. Enter the restaurant and you will find the waiters carrying around beautiful iPad2s, taking customers’ orders on them, and swiping credit cards on the devices. While the investment into these expensive devices for each waiter might seem a lot, restaurant founder Sebastian Gonella claims it’s a money-saver in the long run and it makes a fashion statement that has an overall positive impact. (Like us talking about it right now.)

Oddly specific ‘ologists’ that you could hire right now …
• Bigfootologist – A person who specializes in the study and documentation of ‘Bigfoot’ (aka ‘Abominable Snowman’, ‘Yeti’, etc). A branch of Cryptozoology.
• Bradyologist – Extensive knowledge and often a memorabilia collection related to the TV comedy “The Brady Bunch” (1969-74). TV Land’s Lisa Sutton says she’s one.
• Elvisologist – For an in-depth Elvis information experience, Presley experts like Cory Cooper are available for hire for corporate functions, special occasions, and public appearances.
• Phallologist – Iceland’s Sigurdur Hjartarson has proclaimed himself thus after amassing the world’s largest collection of penises for the Icelandic Phallological Museum. Only 1 is human.
• Ripperologist – People obsessed with the 125-year-old mystery of the identity of infamous UK serial killer Jack the Ripper. Novelist Patricia Cornwell spent circa $6 million on her quest.

• Las Vegas is set to get a bigger version of one of London’s most popular tourist attractions, the London Eye. Next month, Caesars Entertainment plans to start digging to lay the foundation for a 550-ft-tall Ferris wheel behind the company’s Imperial Palace and Flamingo hotels that it expects to open toward the end of 2013. Taller than the 443-ft-tall London Eye wheel, the ‘High Roller’ could give the Las Vegas Strip a new attraction and a potential boost as it tries to recover from the recession.
• A new record for the ‘Most Expensive Car Sold Publicly’ has been set as a 1957 Ferrari 250 Testa Rossa fetched $16.4 million at a Gooding & Co car auction in Monterey, California. The sale was one of many automotive events in connection with the annual Pebble Beach “Concours d’Elegance” car show.
– “Wall Street Journal”

• The US National Weather Service reports that 9 weather disasters this year have each caused more than $1-billion-worth of damage. The normal annual average is 3.
– “Globe & Mail”
• The average Brit suffers 726 hangovers in a lifetime.
– “Daily Mail”


1945 [66] Vince McMahon, Pinehurst NC, chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment since 1980 (originally World Wrestling Federation)

1962 [49] Craig Kilborn, Kansas City MO, TV personality (“The Kilborn File” 2010, “Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn” 1999-2005, “The Daily Show” 1996-98)

1973 [38] Dave Chappelle, Washington DC, TV comedian (“Chappelle’s Show” 2003-05)/movie actor (“Block Party”, “Blue Streak”)

1973 [38] Carmine Giovinazzo, Staten Island NY, TV actor (‘Detective Danny Messer’ on “CSI: NY” since 2004)

1988 [23] Rupert Grint, Watton-at-Stone UK, movie actor (‘Ron Weasley’ in the “Harry Potter” films)

• “Flitting Appreciation Day”, a day to recognize those who have perfected the art of flitting around here and there.

• “Peach Pie Day”, honoring the seasonal dessert made from flour, sugar, butter, and freshly-picked juicy peaches. Yummers!

• “Waffle Day”, celebrating the anniversary of the invention of the ‘Waffle Iron’ by Cornelius Swartwout of Troy NY on this day in 1869. Other inventions attributed to today’s date include ‘Potato Chips’ (Chef George Crum, Saratoga Springs NY in 1853) and the ‘Motion Picture Camera’ (Thomas Edison in Menlo Park NJ, 1891). It’s no wonder August is tagged “National Inventors’ Month”.

1987 [24] PBS is threatened with a lawsuit if it uses a banana to demonstrate how to use a condom during an AIDS special … by the International Banana Association

1981 [30] Mark David Chapman is sentenced in NYC to serve 20 years-to-life in prison for the assassination of music icon John Lennon

1995 [16] To promote the release of its new ‘Windows 95’ operating system, Microsoft Corp purchases rights to the Rolling Stones song “Start Me Up” for a reported $12 million

2006 [05] A meeting of 424 astronomers demotes the former planet Pluto to ‘dwarf planet status’ (it had been designated a planet since its discovery in 1930)

2002 [09] Petri Valta of Finland outdistances 90 other contestants from 7 countries by hurling a Nokia 5510 cellphone 219 ft to set a new world record at the “Mobile Phone Throwing World Championships” in Savonlinna, Finland (there are times we’d like to try this … with other people’s phones)

[Thurs] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Thurs] Secondhand Wardrobe Day
[Fri] “Colombiana”; “Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark”; “Our Idiot Brother” open in movie theaters
[Sat] Petroleum Day
[Sun] 28th MTV Video Music Awards (MTV)
[Sun] Radio Commercials Day
This Week Is … Be Kind to Humankind Week
This Month Is … Get Ready for Kindergarten Month


• ‘Kid Tantrum’
• ‘The Library Shusher’
• ‘The Self-Important Hipster’
• ‘Captain Comb-over’
• ‘Max Halitosis’
• ‘The Piddler’
• ‘Girl Who Cries’
• ‘The Purple Wussie’
• ‘Flatulo’
• ‘The Knock-Knock Joker’

The ‘man room’ or ‘man cave’ has become an indispensable feature in many a family home. It’s the place a guy goes to pursue his interests, relax, and enjoy himself. What would be the top 3 things you’d want in yours?

• What percentage of drivers sing in the car?
a. 40%
b. 60%
c. 80% [CORRECT. Surveys say 4-out-of-5 of us.]

• What percentage of us reuse tin foil?
a. 44% [CORRECT. Check your ‘junk drawer’.]
b. 54%
c. 64%

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

You read the story line-by-line while a caller/guest/crew member provides the sound effects any way they can. Today’s story is called “Back to School Shopping” . . .
You take your daughter back-to-school shopping at the mall and she whines about everything. She doesn’t like the jeans [SFX]. She doesn’t like the hoodie [SFX]. She doesn’t like the backpack [SFX]. And she doesn’t like the shoes [SFX]. The only thing more annoying is the sound of the squeaky wheel on your shopping cart [SFX]. Finally you get to the checkout counter where the cashier scans in the jeans [SFX]; and the hoodie [SFX]; the backpack [SFX]; and the shoes [SFX]. And when you see the total, you start whining like your daughter [SFX].

Question: About 6,000 people a year show up in hospitals with injuries caused by THESE.
Answer: Pillows.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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