Friday, August 30, 2013        Edition: #5058

Monthly Planning Calendar in Today’s Issue!

✶ ABC-TV was hoping to announce the new cast for “Dancing With the Stars” on “Good Morning America” next Wednesday. Sorry to be a spoiler but we can reveal Season 17 will feature 74-year-old veteran actress Valerie Harper, former “Jersey Shore” star Snooki, and actress Elizabeth Berkley, infamous for “Showgirls”. Perhaps most intriguingly, they’ll be joined by Scientology survivor Leah Remini, former star of “King of Queens”. The dancing competition will shift to a single, 2-hour airing per week when it premieres September 16th.
✶ Wednesday acting couple Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones announced they will be ‘taking some time apart’ but now it’s come to light they’ve been estranged since the end of May. Zeta-Jones has revealed they recently had an extension built on their home to accommodate a large closet. Quote: “I go in there and never come out. I’ve got a TV, and my daughter brings her friends in … I could be in there for the whole day, happily.” Yeah, you’re normal.
✶ Paris Hilton has just signed a major DJ residency deal with the Amnesia nightclub on the Mediterranean holiday island of Ibiza following her successful weekly slot at the club this Summer. She’s been signed for an undisclosed fee to again spin tunes for party-goers in 2014. Word has it her weekly slot at the club’s famous ‘Foam & Diamonds’ parties attracted ever-increasing crowds and the ‘positive word of mouth was phenomenal’.
✶ And how else do people with no talent make money? 22-year-old Farrah Abraham, the former “Teen Mom” star who released the adult video “Backdoor Teen Mom” and then did a stint in rehab for alcohol abuse, has reportedly been asked to play a hooker named ‘Destiny’ on NBC-TV daytime drama “Days Of Our Lives”. That’s apparently the result of her sending producers some ‘homemade audition tapes’. Several of the regular cast members are said to be peeved.

• Bumbershoot Festival (Seattle WA) – Saturday-Monday the annual rock bash features Death Cab For Cutie, Jason Bonham’s Led Zeppelin Experience, Kendrick Lamar, MGMT, and Tegan & Sara among others.
• Deauville American Film Festival (Deauville, France) – Today filmmaker Steven Soderbergh opens the annual event with a screening of his Liberace biopic “Behind the Candelabra”. The festival runs until September 8th.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Today Tegan & Sara (“Heartthrob”). Rerun.
• “Good Morning America” (ABC) – This morning Alicia Keys (“Girl On Fire”) performs.
• iTunes Festival (London UK) – Sunday Lady Gaga opens this year’s month-long event at the Roundhouse, promising to play ‘1 hour of new music’. A different act headlines the free event daily. Coming up: Justin Timberlake, Kings of Leon, Paramore, Phoenix, Queens Of the Stone Age, and Vampire Weekend. Katy Perry closes the series September 30th.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tonight Luke Bryan (“Crash My Party”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight Tift Merritt (“Traveling Alone”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Robin Thicke (“Blurred Lines”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Tonight James McCartney (“Me”). Rerun.
• Made In America Festival (Philadelphia PA) – Saturday Jay Z’s 2nd annual outdoor festival kicks off with Beyoncé, Deadmau5, Phoenix, and 2 Chainz. Day 2 features Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, Nine Inch Nails, Queens Of the Stone Age, and Wiz Khalifa. Last year’s inaugural event, headlined by Jay-Z and Pearl Jam, was filmed by director Ron Howard for a documentary.
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Today Il Volo (“We Are Love”); Selena Gomez (“Stars Dance”). Rerun.
• “Today Show” (NBC) – Chris Brown (“X”) performs.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Booker T Jones w/Mayer Hawthorne (“Sound the Alarm”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Today Little Big Town (“Tornado”).

• The Beatles – Ringo Starr joins the ranks of celebrity children’s authors in October when his picture book “Octopus’s Garden” is published by Simon & Schuster. Included will be a previously unheard version of The Beatles track that gives the book its name.
• Luke Bryan – His “Crash My Party” album is #1 for a 2nd straight week on the “Billboard 200”, according to Nielsen SoundScan.
• Mumford & Sons – This weekend their series of “Gentlemen Of the Road Stopovers” in the UK, US, and Canada moves to Troy, Ohio. Also appearing: Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros, Old Crow Medicine Show, The Vaccines and others. The ‘Stopovers’ are music festivals that also celebrate local people, food, and culture with games, street fairs, etc.
• Robin Thicke – He’s escaped all the kerfuffle surrounding his controversial Miley Cyrus collaboration at Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards by jetting off to Miami to focus on a family vacation in Florida with wife Paula Patton and their son Julian.

• “Getaway” ( PG-13 Crime Thriller ): Ethan Hawke plays a former race-car driver who is pitted against the clock when his wife is kidnapped by a mysterious villain. He commandeers a young woman’s car and takes her on a high-speed race against time. Co-stars Selena Gomez, Jon Voight, Paul Freeman.
• “One Direction: This Is Us” ( PG Music Documentary in 3-D ): Documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock (“Super Size Me”) mixes concert footage with behind-the-scenes clips to follow the Brit boy-band’s meteoric rise to fame after being assembled by Simon Cowell in 2010 for “The X Factor UK”. Stars Liam Payne, Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan.
• Opening in limited release: “I Declare War” (Action Comedy); “Instructions Not Included” (Dramedy); “The Lifeguard” (Drama); and “Passion” (Crime Thriller).

Patrón tequila, Hennessy cognac, Grey Goose vodka and Jack Daniel’s whiskey seem to be the music industry’s spirits of choice. Those 4 brands account for more than half of the booze labels name-dropped in recent recordings. Broken down by genre, urban songs are the most likely to contain alcohol references, followed by country tunes, and pop music. Of “Billboard” magazine’s 720 top hits from 2009-11, 167 (23%) contain references to alcohol, and 46 (6%) mention specific brands. In those 46 songs, more than half of the references involve the aforementioned brands. (Jamie Foxx’s 2009 hit “Blame it” name-drops 3 of the top 4.)

‘Twerking’, the raunchy dance move performed by Miley Cyrus at the MTV Video Music Awards last weekend is among the new words added to the “Oxford Dictionary of English”. Other words being added in the respected dictionary’s quarterly online update …
• ‘Dappy’ – Silly, disorganized, or lacking concentration.
• ‘Digital Detox’ – Time spent away from Facebook and Twitter, etc.
• ‘Girl Crush’ – An intense and typically non-sexual admiration felt by one girl for another.
• ‘Selfie’ – A pouty self-portrait typically taken with a smartphone.

Starting Sunday, fast-food chain Burger King is set to offer what it calls a ‘French Fry Burger’ for $1. Basically it’s a bun loaded with a standard beef patty that’s topped with 4 French fries. The new creation, which clocks in at 360 calories and 19 grams of fat, will be available throughout the Fall as the company looks to fend off the ‘Dollar Menu’ push by McDonald’s. It’s likely to be just the first of Burger King’s cheap new concoctions. (Is the ‘Chocolate Shake Burger’ lurking round the corner?)

Scientists at Scotland’s University of St Andrews have created the ‘fastest man-made spinning object’. They were able to levitate and spin a microscopic sphere at speeds of up to 600 million revolutions per minute. To put that in perspective: That’s a half-million times faster than a domestic washing machine on spin cycle and more than a thousand times faster than a dental drill. The aim of the experiment was to push the boundary of our understanding of rotating bodies. And here’s what happened … when it reached top speed, the sphere seemed to vanish! (Previous fastest man-made spinning object … your bedroom during a bad hangover.)

You could drive on either the left- or the right-side of the road in the Austro-Hungarian Empire (1867-1918).
– “Financial Times”


1930 [83] Warren Buffett, Omaha NE, investor (Berkshire Hathaway)/world’s 3rd-wealthiest with $53.5 billion as of 2013/philanthropist who’s announced he’ll leave 85% of his fortune to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation

1948 [65] Lewis Black, Silver Spring MD, incensed & sarcastic political commentator often featured on Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show”

1963 [50] Michael Chiklis, Lowell MA, movie actor (“Rise Of the Silver Surfer”, “Fantastic Four”)/TV actor (“No Ordinary Family” 2010-11, “The Shield” 2002-08)

1972 [41] Cameron Diaz, San Diego CA, movie actress (“What to Expect When You’re Expecting”, “Shrek” movies)

1986 [27] Ryan Ross, Summerlin NV, rock guitarist-vocalist (Panic! At the Disco-“Nine In the Afternoon”, “I Write Sins Not Tragedies”)

Oldies singer Van Morrison (“Moondance”) is 68; Movie actor Richard Gere (“Pretty Woman”) is 64; Movie actor Chris Tucker (“Rush Hour”) is 41; TV actress Sara Ramirez (“Grey’s Anatomy”) is 38.

Oldies singer Barry Gibb (Bee Gees) is 67; Talk-show host Phil McGraw (“Dr Phil”) is 63; Oldies singer Gloria Estefan (“Music of My Heart”) is 56; Rock guitarist Joe Trohman (Fall Out Boy) is 29.

• “Day of Disagreement”, considered by some relationship experts to be the day of the year on which couples are most likely to bicker and have needless arguments. Why? Triggers might include post-vacation depression, domestic chaos getting ready for back-to-school, and financial strain after blowing the bank account over the Summer.
• “Holistic Pet Day”, initiated by the Animal Miracle Foundation to encourage pet owners to develop a healthy lifestyle for their pets through diet, exercise, and environment.
• “Toasted Marshmallow Day”, celebrating that great Summer treat on a stick. So how do you like yours done?
• “World Championship Barbecue Goat Cook-Off” in Brady, Texas. It’s the 40th annual, featuring some 125 teams trying to get your goat … to taste good.

• “Invent a New Sandwich Day”, and be sure to give it a really creative name!
• “Love Litigating Lawyers Day”, because even shysters need affection.
• “Trail Mix Day”, celebrating the combination of nuts, seeds, dried fruits (bark, twigs, compost, etc) that takes about a gallon of water to wash down.
• “World Testicle Cooking Championship”, an annual weekend event in the Serbian village of Lunjevica. The festival serves up a variety of testicles, including wildlife.

• “Building Code Staff Appreciation Day”, honoring those important personnel who would never take a bribe and allow shoddy construction to take place … honest!
• “Fathers Day” in Australia and New Zealand, celebrated on the 1st Sunday in September.
• “First Day of Spring” in Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa, so designated by tradition, not any relation to the Vernal Equinox.
• “Great Klondike International Outhouse Race” in Dawson City, Yukon, the 36th annual dash though downtown streets involving decorated outhouses on wheels containing a ‘seated’ jockey and pulled by costumed runners.
• “No Rhyme Nor Reason Day”, a celebration of words that don’t rhyme with any other words, ie: orange, purple, silver.
• “Running Of the Sheep” in Reed Point, Montana, the 25th annual when hundreds of woolies charge down Main Street, then participate in the ‘Ugliest Sheep’ and ‘Prettiest Ewe Contest’.

1993 [20] Debut of “Late Show With David Lettermen” on CBS-TV attracts 23 million viewers (first guest is Bill Murray; musical guest is Billy Joel)

1993 [20] U2 guitarist Adam Clayton and fashion model Naomi Campbell announce they’ve postponed their wedding for a year (never happens)

1999 [14] Oklahoma State University introduces ‘Super Fan-nies’, disposable diapers adorned with the football team’s logo

1988 [25] Vicki Keith of Kingston, Ontario becomes 1st swimmer to conquer all 5 Great Lakes

[Sep 2] Labor Day (Canada, USA)
[Sep 4] Newspaper Carrier Day / Rosh Hashanah begins at sundown (Jewish)
[Sep 5] Toronto International Film Festival opens / “NFL Kickoff 2013” (NBC) / Be Late For Something Day / Ganesh Chaturthi (Hindu)
[Sep 6] “Riddick” opens in movie theaters / Lazy Moms Day
[Sep 7] Salami Day
[Sep 8] “Sunday Night Football” debuts (NBC) / CCMA Awards (Edmonton AB) / International Drive Your Studebaker Day / International Literacy Day / Grandparents Day / Hug Your Hound Day / Oncology Nurses Day / World Physical Therapy Day
[Sep 9] Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders Day / Boss-Employee Exchange Day / Wonderful Weirdos Day
[Sep 10] Swap Ideas Day / World Suicide Prevention Day
[Sep 11] 9/11 Remembrance Day
[Sep 13] “The Family”; “Insidious Chapter 2” open in movie theaters / Rock in Rio 2013 begins (Rio de Janeiro) / Videogames Day / Blame Someone Else Day / International Chocolate Day / Kids Take Over the Kitchen Day / Celiac Awareness Day / Peanut Day / Stand Up to Cancer Day / Yom Kippur begins at sunset (Jewish)
[Sep 15] Day / Greenpeace Day / International Day of Democracy
[Sep 16] International Day for the Preservation of the Ozone Layer / Stepfamily Day
[Sep 18] Rehabilitation Day / Respect Day / World Water Monitoring Day Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day / Cheeseburger Day / ADD Awareness Day / Sukkot starts at sunset (Jewish)
[Sep 19] Full ‘Harvest’ Moon / Talk Like a Pirate Day
[Sep 20] “Battle Of the Year 3D”; “Prisoners” open in movie theaters / “The Wizard of Oz 3D” opens in IMAX theaters / iHeartRadio Music Festival begins (Las Vegas) / POW-MIA Recognition Day / Tradesmen’s Day
[Sep 21] Virgin Mobile Freefest (Columbia MD) / Farm Aid 2013 (Saratoga Springs NY) / International Day of Peace / International Eat an Apple Day / International Coastal Cleanup Day / Responsible Dog Ownership Day / World Alzheimer’s Day
[Sep 22] “Primetime Emmy Awards” (CBS) / Business Women’s Day / Autumn begins / Car-Free Day / Dear Diary Day / Elephant  Appreciation Day / Hobbit Day / Ice Cream Cone Day / Centenarians Day / White Chocolate Day / Wife Appreciation Day
[Sep 23] Polaris Music Prize (Toronto) / Celebrate Bisexuality Day / Restless Legs Awareness Day
[Sep 24] “Agents of SHIELD” series debut (ABC) / Punctuation Day / Woman Road Warrior Day
[Sep 25] “CSI” season premiere (CBS) / Eat Dinner With Your Kids Day / One-Hit Wonder Day / Women’s Health & Fitness Day / World School Milk Day
[Sep 26] “Glee” season debut (FOX) / World Maritime Day
[Sep 27] “Baggage Claim”; “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2”; “Don Jon” open in movie theaters / “Metallica: Through the Never” opens in IMAX theaters / New York Film Festival opens / Ancestor Appreciation Day / Ask a Stupid Question Day / Hug a Vegetarian Day / Walk to Work Day / Save the Koala Day / World Tourism Day
[Sep 28] BET Hip-Hop Awards (Atlanta) / 2013 Global Citizen Festival (NYC) / Fish Amnesty Day / International Lace Day / Love Note Day / Hunting & Fishing Day / Good Neighbor Day / Public Lands Day / World Heart Day / World Rabies Day / Family Health & Fitness Day
[Sep 29] “Homeland” season 3 premiere (Showtime) / Coffee Day
[Sep 30] Blasphemy Day


• Your ‘Kiss the Cook’ apron was replaced by one that reads ‘Stop Me Before I Grill Again!’
• Your secret ingredient? Tequila. And sometimes you even put it in the food.
• You’ve barbecued Spam and bragged about it.
• On more than one occasion, the fire marshal has had to warn you about using liquid nitrogen as starter fluid.
• The kids have trouble telling the hamburgers from the hot dogs after you’re done with them.
• The local health department has named a new strain of salmonella after you.
• Just as the kebabs are almost ready, your wife comes running onto the patio screaming, “Have you seen the cat?”

When the chips are down, the bull is empty.

‘Homiletics’ is the art of which?
a. Preaching sermons. [CORRECT]
b. Natural medicine.
c. Playing a song with your armpit.

☎ Oh oh! Many preschools have a strict no-diaper rule. So … what’s the fastest and most effective method of toilet training?

Question: Although experts say it should take longer, the average guy does THIS in just 6 seconds.
Answer: Washes his hands.

You never find time … but you can always make it.

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