August 6, 2012

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Monday, August 6, 2012               Edition: #4802

Avoid Sheet Fits – Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription!

• There’s so much fluff about ‘KStew’ circulating, we’re starting to wonder if it’s not guerilla promotion for the “Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2” opening in November. First up, we hear that Kristen Stewart’s famous fling, Rupert Sanders, is set to direct her again in the “Snow White & The Huntsman” sequel (that is, if his wife lets him). We also hear that Kristen Stewart has beaten out Jennifer Lawrence to star in “Lie Down in Darkness”, a role she’s publicly campaigned for in interviews. And finally, we hear that Stewart’s jilted boyfriend, Robert Pattinson, is apparently speaking to her again. (You wuss … don’t do it!)
– “Scandal Sheet”
• In other news of directors dating (aka sleeping with) stars, Danny Boyle (Olympics Opening, “Slumdog Millionaire”) appears to be in a relationship with actress Rosario Dawson. They’ve been photo-ed walking hand-in-hand and smooching in the English seaside town of Brighton. The 55-year-old director and 33-year-old actress met when he cast her in his latest film “Trance”. (Hasn’t he read the rules? Never did your pen in company ink!)
• Actor Orlando Bloom is set to make his Broadway debut in a new stage adaptation of “Romeo & Juliet”. “The Lord Of the Rings” star has landed the lead in a production of William Shakespeare’s beloved tale of star-crossed lovers, which means he’ll be based in NYC for several months at least. That could be good news for his marriage to model Miranda Kerr. Their jobs normally take them all over the world, so it’ll be nice for them to be in one place for a while. (Yes, we’d hate for a hyper-rich actor and spoiled fashion model to experience any discomfort.)
• Pop star Justin Bieber has angered the Congress of Aboriginal Peoples, which says he’s perpetuated the misconception that Natives in Canada are ‘somehow getting a free ride’. It’s all due to a dumb comment he made in a “Rolling Stone” interview in the August edition: “I’m actually part Indian. I think Inuit or something? I’m enough percent that in Canada I can get free gas.” That’s patently untrue. In some areas of Canada, First Nations people are exempt from some of the tax on gasoline, but there’s no free fuel. (When you’re 18 and interviewed as often as this kid, you’re bound to blurt some BS you’ll later regret. Solution: Admit you didn’t know WTF you were talking about, then apologize.)
– QMI Agency


• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – 93-year-old folk music legend Pete Seeger.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Norah Jones (“Little Broken Hearts”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Selena Gomez (“When The Sun Goes Down”). Rerun.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – The Head & The Heart (“The Head & The Heart”). Rerun.
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Rock Bottom Remainders (“Stranger Than Fiction”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Gaslight Anthem (“Handwritten”). Rerun.
• “Perez Hilton All Access” (CW) – Katy Perry shares a preview of her latest music video (“Wide Awake”) and discusses her career and personal life. Rerun.
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Toni Braxton (“Toni! Toni! Toni!”).


• Dr Dre – He’s hip-hopped around Olympic marketing rules by giving out his high-end headphones to athletes. The IOC admits the move does not breach guidelines. Official sponsors pay around $100 million for global rights to the Olympics. But it seems handing out headphones that just happen to be in team colors with the logo ‘Beats by Dr Dre’ is OK.
• Elton John – His family is currently vacationing together with actor Neil Patrick Harris’ family on the French Riviera in Saint-Tropez.
• Katy Perry – She & John Mayer are apparently a thing, as they’ve now been spotted leaving LA’s Chateau Marmont together in his car, clearly ready to go public. So it would seem Mayer has added another to his long list of conquests that have included Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly, Jennifer Aniston, and Taylor Swift.
• Kenny Chesney / Tim McGraw – Their “Brothers Of the Sun Tour” has officially hit the 1 million ticket mark, cementing its position as the hottest tour of the year so far. Pollstar figures show it has more than doubled the grosses of Roger Waters and Coldplay.
• Lauren Alaina – The “American Idol” runner-up has been put on vocal rest by her doctor, forcing her to cancel a pair of shows over the weekend. She had been scheduled to open for Sugarland in Cincinnati, Ohio and in Clarkston, Michigan.
• Lily Allen – The Brit pop star has announced she’s changed her name to Lily Rose Cooper (her married name) and she’s heading back into the studio to continue recording songs that she has written over the past few months.
• Linkin Park – They’ve just shot a video for their song “Castle Of Glass”, which will be featured in the upcoming videogame “Medal of Honor Warfighter”.
• Rolling Stones – HBO is airing a new, as-yet-to-be-titled documentary this Fall to celebrate the band’s 50th anniversary. The doc has the full involvement of the 4 current members, as well as former Stones Bill Wyman and Mick Taylor. It will follow their story from their early club days.


Sand is next to useless as a building material. Without water it simply spreads. But now University of Amsterdam physicists have worked out a formula for making the perfect sand castle. The key, they say, is to use sand with only 1% water by volume. The thin coat of moisture creates surface tension between grains that holds them together with tiny bridges strong enough to fight gravity and prevent sand structures from buckling. As for the design, the wider the base, the taller the potential castle. According to calculations, a column with a 7.5-cm (3-inch) diameter can rise as high as 2 m (6.5 ft). The current world record for tallest sand castle, set by one Ed Jarrett in 2011, is 12 meters (39 ft).
– “The Economist”


Suffering Monday morning mirror shock? Listen up and take heart!
✓ Big Noses Are Healthier – Researchers have found that big noses give you better protection against bacteria and infections.
✓ Women Prefer Wimpy Men – The old adage that women prefer ‘alpha males’ goes straight out the window in times of economic recession. Bizarrely, that’s when ladies start to appreciate some sickly, shy, pasty action.
✓ Short People Live Longer – For example, the longest-living people are from Okinawa, Japan where the average height of their elderly is a mere 4’-9”.
✓ Cheery People Are Destined to Die Sooner – Scientists have found that kids rated ‘highly cheerful’ in school go on to die younger than the brooding ones. Why? Less smiley, reserved types are less likely to make risky decisions.
✓ Ugly Men Are More Fertile – That’s according to studies that have shown there’s a definite connection between how attractive you are and your sperm count. Seems the ugly swimmers try harder.


If you’re still skeptical that a tan can be dangerous, consider this: Scientists have found that wild fish are getting skin cancer from ultraviolet radiation. Approximately 15% of coral trout in Australia’s Great Barrier Reef have been found to be suffering cancerous lesions on their scales. In that regard, they resemble Australians who live on land – it’s estimated that 2-in-3 people who live Down Under will be diagnosed with skin cancer before the age of 70, the highest rate in the world. It’s probably no coincidence that Australia is under Earth’s biggest hole in the ozone layer.
– “Los Angeles Times”


• Of the 10,500 athletes battling for gold at London’s Olympic Games, only 302 will win.
– BBC News
• There are 83 million fake Facebook accounts.
– “Daily Mail”
• In some Olympic events, athletes only need a few seconds to win gold. They spend their entire lives training for a sport that takes about as long as it takes most people to walk from their living room to the kitchen.
– “Wall Street Journal”
• In just 1 year of being legal, same-sex marriages added $259 million to NYC’s economy.


1963 [49] Michelle Yeoh (Yeoh Chu-Kheng), Ipoh, Malaysia, movie actress (“Memoirs Of a Geisha”, “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”)/voice actress (“Kung Fu Panda 2”).

1970 [42] M Night (Manoj Nelliyattu) Shyamalan, Mahé, India, movie director (“The Last Airbender”, “The Sixth Sense”)/screenwriter (“Stuart Little”)

1972 [40] Geri Halliwell, Watford UK, pop singer (Spice Girls-“Goodbye”, “Wannabe”)  BS FACTOID: The Spice Gils will appear in the London 2012 Closing Ceremony on Sunday.

1973 [39] Vera Farmiga, Passaic NJ, movie actress (“Up In the Air”, “The Departed”)

1981 [31] Travie (Travis) McCoy, Geneva NY, pop singer (f/Bruno Mars-“Billionaire”)/alt-hip hop singer (Gym Class Heroes-“Clothes Off”)

1984 [28] Eric Roberts, Geneva NY, indie hip-hop bassist/vocalist (Gym Class Heroes-“Cupid’s Chokehold”)


• “Chocolate Fest”, the 27th annual in the resort town of St Stephen, New Brunswick through Sunday, highlighted by a daily ‘choctail’ hour, chocolate factory tours, and several chocolate-eating competitions. St Stephen is purportedly where the ‘chocolate bar’ was invented.

• “Civic Holiday” in much of Canada, including MB, SK, NS, ON, and the NT (could it possibly have a duller name?). It’s also “British Columbia Day” in BC, “New Brunswick Day” in NB, and “Heritage Day” in Alberta. In Toronto, it’s “Simcoe Day”. For everyone else it’s … Monday.

• “Fresh Breath Day”, a gentle reminder to maintain oral hygiene. If you’re average, you have over 10 billion bacteria in your mouth right now. Some of them churn out truly stinky chemicals such as hydrogen sulphide, the same gas that gives rotten eggs their odor. Some germs release putrescine, another sulfurous compound that has the essence of rotting meat.

• “Pamper Yourself Day”. If you were to be given any free luxury treatment you wanted, which would you pick? Massage? Steam room? Pedicure? Chocolate bath?

• “Picnic Day” in Australia, celebrated annually on the 1st Monday of August in the Northern Territory as an extra day of rest for workers as well as part of a long weekend for various events. Many Aussies use it as an excuse to dine outdoors … how civilized!

• “Sturgis Rally”, the 72nd annual edition through Sunday in Sturgis SD. Bikers of all types and backgrounds roll in for the week-long festival for gearheads, outlaws, and leather lovers. This week’s entertainment includes Buckcherry, Eric Church, Journey, Loverboy, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Sugarland, and Zac Brown Band. And then there’s the ‘Miss Buffalo Chip Beauty Pageant’.

• “Wiggle Your Toes Day”, a chance to air out your piggies, wiggling them around for all to see. The best place to wiggle your toes on a hot August day is in a swimming pool. Or, sit on a dock and stick your wiggly digits in the water.


2003 [09] Movie actor Arnold Schwarzenegger officially announces his (successful) bid to replace California governor Gray Davis on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC)


2004 [08] Funk legend Rick James (“Super Freak”) is found dead at age 56 in his LA home by a caretaker


1952 [60] “MAD Magazine” is 1st published (“What, me worry?”)

1992 [20] 1st Academy Award to be sold as Harold Russell, going against the wishes of the Motion Picture Academy, sells his Oscar statuette for $60,500 to pay for his wife’s eye surgery (he’d won the award in 1947 for “The Best Years Of Our Lives”)


[Tues] Lighthouse Day
[Tues] National Night Out
[Tues] Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day
[Tues] Professional Speakers Day
[Wed] “Nitro Circus: The Movie” opens in theaters
[Wed] Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night


Assistance Dog Week / Exercise With Your Child Week / Exhibitor Appreciation Week / Farmers Market Week / Fraud Awareness Week / Knights of Columbus Week / Psychic Week / Resurrect Romance Week / World Breastfeeding Week


A highlight bit culled from 19 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• Performs rhythmic gymnastics to music from “Dark Side Of the Moon”.
• Following winning race, her back hair grows for 8 consecutive hours.
• Sprinter’s legs spin wildly in place before they take off.
• Pole vaulter screams ‘weeeeeeeeee’ as he comes down.
• New high jump record .. 782 feet.
– First published in “BS” 1999.


Someone finally brought you a bouquet. Which will make your flowers last longer if you add it to the water?
a. A St John’s Wort tablet.
b. A shot of vodka.
c. A Flintstones multivitamin. [CORRECT. Vitamins should work, or an aspirin, a teaspoon of sugar, or a pinch of baking soda.]
– “Tightwad Living Magazine”


•  Deaf mute gets new HEARING in killing.”
• “Police begin campaign to RUN DOWN jaywalkers!”
• “STIFF opposition expected to casket-less funeral plan.”
• “Two convicts evade noose, jury HUNG!”
• “Iraqi head seeks ARMS.”
– Comedy Central


☎ If you could introduce a new sport to the Olympic Games, which would you add? Speed Dating? Pie Eating? Keeping Up With the Kardashians?


A gymnast walks into a bar. She gets a 2-point deduction and ruins her chances of a medal.


Question: Over two-thirds of dog owners believe their dog will do THIS.
Answer: Risk it’s life for them.


All people smile in the same language.

“BS” salutes this week’s samplers who include Bo Chase @ 98.9 Austin’s Greatest Hits [KXBT] Austin, Texas; Mike Savage @ Rock FM 101.9, Johannesburg, South Africa; Phil Scheirich @ Sunshine 89.1 [CISO] Orillia, Ontario; and Dean Fettes @ Retro ‘80s Weekend, Utica, New York. Welcome, all!

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