Wednesday, August 8, 2012        Edition: #4804

It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

According to “Now Magazine”, actress Kristen Stewart is trying to convince jilted lover Rob Pattinson to meet her on the Isle of Wight next week, a place they once described as their ideal wedding destination, in order to patch up their relationship (how to keep it on the QT – that’ll ensure privacy!) . . . Meanwhile, “Snow White & The Huntsman” director Rupert Sanders has confessed to friends that his fling with Stewart was the worst mistake of his life, and he’s now desperately trying to save his marriage (word has it his misnamed wife Liberty isn’t making it easy) . . . Actor Brad Pitt has bought his son Maddox a motorbike for his 11th birthday (thereby putting severe pressure on fathers of tweens everywhere) . . . Not to be outdone, actor Tom Cruise has treated 6-year-old daughter Suri to a night in Disney World’s iconic Cinderella Castle in a private suite that cannot be booked by regular riffraff (can he buy her love?) . . . Meantime, a family insider says ex-Mrs Cruise, Katie Holmes, has been ‘blissfully happy’ since their split, wearing a smile on her face that hasn’t been seen since she first began dating the movie star (likely cuz she’s no longer living in fear of Scientology) . . . Fashion model Bar Refaeli says ‘a nice smile with beautiful teeth’ is the most attractive thing in a man (and apparently a fat wallet, according to her dating record) . . . 25-year-old reality TV personality Rob Kardashian has tweeted he’s set to begin his 1st semester at USC Law School this Fall, thereby following in his late father Robert Kardashian’s footsteps (a former OJ Simpson attorney) . . . And the Baz Luhrmann-directed 3D version of “The Great Gatsby” starring Leonardo DiCaprio has been pushed back from a Christmas Day release to Summer 2013, in order to ‘capitalize on a larger audience’ (BS translation: There’s still a lotta editing to do to make this thing watchable).

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Ziggy Marley (“Wild & Free”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Zac Brown Band (“Uncaged”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Trampled by Turtles (“Stars & Satellites”). Rerun.
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – The finalists perform; contestants face elimination; guest judge Christina Applegate.


• Coldplay – Chris Martin tells “The Sun” he judges how good his music is based on whether his children like it or not. (Let’s see, Apple is 8 and Moses is 6. How to go after those adult demographics!)
• Eminem – He’s written & recorded a new song called “Street Lights” with Lady Gaga. At this point it’s unclear whether the ‘upbeat record’ will appear on his new album, hers, or if it will just become a one-off single.
• The Game – He says his decision to cancel his July wedding to fiancée Tiffney Cambridge on reality TV cost him $100,000. But they’ve now reconciled and will soon wed, this time without the cameras.
• Katy Perry – A ‘friend’ tells “Daily Star” that she’s secretly taking acting lessons in the hope of landing a sitcom role when her pop music career is exhausted. (From audible fluff to visual fluff.)
• Ke$ha – Her next album is said to be ‘really close’ to being finished. It will feature collaborations with Iggy Pop, Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney, and Nate Reuss of fun.
• Lady Gaga – She’s jumped the gun on what was to be a September announcement and  confirmed her next album will be called “ARTPOP”, which she insists in a tweet must be capitalized.
• Natasha Bedingfield – The “Pocketful of Sunshine” singer has recently put her $2.3-million Los Angeles home up for rent. In case you’re interested, it’ll set you back $18,000-a-month.
• P!nk – She’s the newest face of cosmetics giant CoverGirl. “Rolling Stone” reports that the new ad campaign will debut this Fall.


“Nitro Circus: The Movie 3D” ( PG-13 Action ): Follows Travis Pastrana and his tight-knit, highly-skilled, adrenaline-addicted friends as they travel the world performing stunts for ever-increasing audiences. Originally a TV mini-series, then an MTV show, and now their hysterical adventures are brought to the bigscreen. A less vulgar version of “Jackass”.


✓ Hair Conditioner – Wash your car with a hair conditioner containing lanolin. You’ll become a believer when you see the freshly waxed look and find that the treatment also repels rain.
✓ Vodka – To fill your windshield-washer reservoir, mix 3 cups (cheap) vodka with 4 cups water and 2 teaspoons liquid dishwashing detergent. Makes glass squeaky clean!
✓ Pantyhose – Keep your headlights polished by applying window cleaner and rubbing vigorously with an old pair of stockings.
✓ Baby Wipes – Clean your windshield and car windows by rubbing them with wet wipes stored in your glove compartment. What could be easier?
✓ Maxipads – An unlikely substitute to clean your windshield when you’re our of fluid, but the glass will really shine once you’ve wiped it to the max.
✓ Cream of Tartar –  To cut through windshield muck caused by oil-sprayed back roads, sprinkle cream of tartar over the windshield, and then wipe the glass down with soapy water.
✓ Kerosene – Add 1 cup to 3 gallons of water and sponge the solution over your car. You won’t need to wax it once you’re done and the next time it rains, rainwater will bead up and roll off.
– Condensed from


North American wordsmiths will be gathering in Orlando, Florida this Saturday for the 2012 National Scrabble Championship. It’s interesting to note that Thailand is home to many world-class Scrabble players who can barely speak English. Seems they memorize all the words in the “Scrabble Dictionary” and don’t bother with the definitions. (As opposed to cheating Aunt Marge, who simply makes up words and then fudges the definitions.)
– “Wall Street Journal”


A statistical look at who we are and the things we do …
• 90% of women say they’d rather their own bod’ was perfect than have a perfectly built boyfriend.
• 70% of us have made love during a tornado or thunderstorm.
• 64% of men and 50% of women say they rely on a GPS.
• 49% of women describe their man as ‘messy’.
• 30% of married men wish their wives were less messy.
• 4% of men have checked sports scores while attending a funeral.


What’s the difference between an expert gambler and an ordinary gambler? Dylan Evans, author of “Risk Intelligence: How to Live With Uncertainty” says the expert gambler makes money and the problem gambler loses it. But there are also emotional differences. Problem gamblers get a buzz from winning, but they don’t mind losing that much. With experts, it’s the opposite. They don’t get a huge kick out of winning, but they hate losing so much that they’re constantly re-evaluating decisions and figuring out how to do better. (Bet you didn’t know that.)


New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Aquaponics’ – A futuristic system of farming whereby fish and vegetables are grown side-by-side. Waste from the fish is turned into fertilizer for vegetables, which in turn clean the water for the fish. It’s being touted as a way to allow sustainable, profitable farming in cities in the near future. (Especially if you like carrots that taste like trout.)
• ‘Thrifters’ – People who shop only at discount stores and thrift shops selling secondhand goods. Stats show that 1-in-6 adults now regularly shops at ‘resale’ stores. (What’s the best thing you ever found in one?)
• ‘Woopies’ – Short for ‘Well-Off Older People’. The onslaught of well-funded retired Baby Boomers has led to a hot new market for high-end goods and services. (“Let’s focus on promoting the cashmere diapers … woopies will love ‘em!”)


Know how to react before you’re attacked, wild animal experts advise. So here’s what to do when confronted by a …
✓ Polar Bear … Curl up into a ball and play dead.
✓ Lion … Stand your ground. Nothing turns a lion on more than fleeing prey.
✓ Black Rhino … Run perpendicular and climb a tree. They tend to charge only in a straight line.
✓ Elephant … Run away!
(Angry Wife … Disintegrate into a pathetic blob of quivering jelly.)

A study scientific recent suggests that the longer couples remain married, the more they begin to look alike. Why is that? For one thing, long-term couples develop similar lifestyle and dietary habits. They also experience years of unconsciously mimicking each other’s facial expressions. (Usually behind each other’s back.)
– “McCall’s”


Moths wander around after landing until they find a surface matching their color.
– “New Scientist”


1937 [75] Dustin Hoffman, LA CA, 5’-5” movie actor (2 Oscars-“Rain Man”, “Kramer vs Kramer”)

1961 [51] The Edge (David Evans), Barking UK, rock guitarist (U2-“Vertigo”, “Beautiful Day”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2005)

1973 [39] Mark Wills (Williams), Cleveland TN, country singer (“19 Somethin’”, “Wish You Were Here”)

1973 [39] Scott Stapp, Goldsboro NC, rock singer (Creed-“My Sacrifice”, “With Arms Wide Open”)

1975 [37] Tom Linton, Mesa AZ, rock guitarist (Jimmy Eat World-“Pain”, “The Middle”)

1981 [31] Roger Federer, Basel, Switzerland, currently #1-ranked men’s professional tennis player (who just lost to #4 Andy Murray at the Olympics)


• “The Date to Create”, a day to brainstorm with family members or co-workers on ways to be more creative.

• “Happiness Happens Day”, the 13th annual day to pay someone’s toll, bus or subway fare, or to donate to a charity. It’s all a conspiracy of the ‘Secret Society of Happy People’.

• “Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night”, a day to share the wealth of your vegetable garden with friends and neighbors. (Uh, could you make it tomatoes instead?)


1942 [70] Disney’s animated classic “Bambi” has its world premiere in London, England

2008 [04] Circa 1 billion TV viewers worldwide watch the opening ceremonies of the “Beijing Summer Olympic Games”, highlighted by a massive fireworks display


2005 [07] 2 jurors from the Michael Jackson molestation case tell NBC-TV’s “Today” that they have come to regret their ruling of ‘not guilty’


1988 [24] 39,012 fans attend the 1st-ever night baseball game at Chicago’s Wrigley Field


1999 [13] ‘Tish’, the world’s oldest captive goldfish, dies in Yorkshire, England at the age of 43

2001 [11] 78-year-old Egyptian Mustafa Semeda claims he has been married 203 times, the first time in 1947


[Thurs] International Day Of the World’s Indigenous People
[Thurs] Hand-Holding Day
[Thurs] Rice Pudding Day
[Thurs] Clean Out the Kitchen Cabinets Day
[Fri] “The Bourne Legacy”; “The Campaign” open in movie theaters
[Fri] S’mores Day
[Fri] Outside Lands Festival begins (San Francisco CA)
This Week Is … Farmers Market Week
This Month Is … Get Ready for Kindergarten


• 55.1.2 CONNECTION REFUSED: Sorry, this message could not be delivered because it contains a chain message and/or an invitation to your improv show.
• 45.2.2 UNAUTHORIZED: Sorry, this message could not be delivered because it contains the phrase ‘LOL’ and the recipient is an adult.
• 34.2.90 SPAM FILTER: Sorry, this message could not be delivered because it was sent from a Hotmail address, and it is past 1996.
• 45.2.13 UNAUTHORIZED: Sorry, this message could not be delivered because it contains a link to your blog.
• 34.2.1 HOST NOT FOUND: Sorry, this message cannot be delivered at this time but will be sent once the recipient is finished catching up on “Game of Thrones”.
• 45.2.21 TIMEOUT: Sorry, this message could not be delivered because it is yet another request for donation to your absolutely useless Kickstarter campaign.
• 34.2.2 FORBIDDEN/ACCESS DENIED: Sorry, this message could not be delivered because it’s late, you’re drunk, and she broke up with you 3 months ago.
– Thanks to Rupinder Gill

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting she won’t change, but she does.


• Hartland, New Brunswick is home to the world’s longest what?
a. Luncheon Buffet.
b. Covered Bridge. [CORRECT]
c. Traffic Light.

• ‘Omphelomancy’ is a method of predicting the future by doing which?
a. Reading tea leaves.
b. Reading your navel. [CORRECT]
c. Watching roosters.

• How much thicker is the skin on the soles of your feet than the rest of your body?
a. 4 times.
b. 14 times.
c. 40 times. [CORRECT]


☎ Does re-casting a famous movie role work? (ie: ‘Spider-Man’, ‘Jason Bourne’, “Total Recall’s” ‘Douglas Quaid’)


Question: Canadian women are more likely to do THIS than American women.
Answer: Ask a guy out on a date.


Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

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