Thursday, August 9, 2012        Edition: #4805

Good Morning, Sheetheads!

Joss Whedon has signed on to write & direct “The Avengers 2” and will also create a Marvel-based series for ABC-TV (do we really need another hero?) . . . A rep for former “X-Files” star Gillian Anderson has confirmed she & her boyfriend of 6 years, Mark Griffiths, have split up (happy 44th birthday) . . . Meta Golding has been cast in the “Hunger Games” sequel “Catching Fire” as ‘Enobaria’, infamous for the brutal way she came to win the competition (the lesser-known actress is of Haitian descent but was raised in the US, India, France and Italy, where she was a national figure skater) . . . Meantime, “Hunger Games” star Liam Hemsworth has been voted ‘Hottest Newcomer’ in “Total Film” magazine’s annual ‘Hotlist Awards’ (and he’s stuck with Miley Cyrus?) . . . Producer Frank Marshall says “The Bourne Legacy” (opening Friday) is not a prequel or a sequel, but a ‘same time-quel’ (give your head a shake, bud’) . . . Reality TV personality Rob Kardashian’s recent tweeted claim that he’s attending USC law school this Fall may be a bit exaggerated, the school suggesting that he first needs to ‘fill out an application’ (maybe just planning to take a tour?) . . . And Rob’s famous-for-nothing sister Kim Kardashian says she’s not offended, in fact she’s downright honored to be called a “Perfect Bitch”, as she’s referred to in boyfriend Kanye West’s new song (well thanks for setting feminism back 30 years, hon’).


• “Chelsea Lately” (E!) – Wiz Khalifa (“ONIFC”, out September 18th).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Lupe Fiasco (“Lasers”). Rerun.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Nas (“Life Is Good”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Tom Waits (“Bad As Me”). Rerun.
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Cobra Starship (“Night Shades”). Rerun.
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Legendary bluesman  Buddy Guy. Rerun.


• Faith Hill / Tim McGraw – They’re bringing their “Soul2Soul” show to Las Vegas. The limited engagement opens December 7th and covers 10 weekends through April at the 1,815-seat Venetian Theater. The show will combine both their hits as solo artists and together.
• Foster the People – Mark Foster and Isom Innis are playing some shows under the name Smims & Belle, their new electronic music side project. Foster tells “Rolling Stone” that dabbling in electronic music is going to help bring ‘a deeper color’ to the next FTP record.
• Neil Young & Crazy Horse – They’re headlining the Global Poverty Project’s “Global Festival 2012”, a free concert in NYC’s Central Park on September 29th. Also on the bill: Band of Horses, The Black Keys, Foo Fighters, and K’Naan. The GPP aims to motivate a generation to take 100,000 actions by September to fight poverty.
• Rihanna – The new CEO of Beiersdorf AG, Stefan Heidenreich, isn’t happy about having her as the face of its body-care brand Nivea. Quote: “Rihanna is a no-go … I do not understand how to bring the core brand of Nivea in conjunction with Rihanna.” So much for that endorsement.
• Taylor Swift – Next Monday she’s hosting a webcast in which she’ll talk directly to fans and answer their questions. The 7 pm ET event can be watched live on YouTube or on Swift’s official website,


A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “The Creed of Violence” – “Dark Knight Rises” star Christian Bale is in talks to front this Western about a small-time assassin named ‘Rawbone’, who joins forces with a young Bureau of Investigation agent to infiltrate the Mexican criminal underground in 1910. Along the way they come across professional killers, thieves, and smugglers. Shooting begins in early 2013.
• “The End” – Drew Barrymore, who made her directorial debut with 2009’s “Whip It”, is set to return to directing with this ‘uplifting’ drama that focuses on a number of characters as they reconcile their lives before the end of the world. Among them is a 60-something radio DJ in London who’s determined to see out his broadcasting career until Earth’s final day.
• “The Ends Of the Earth” – “Hunger Games” star Jennifer Lawrence has been tipped to take the lead role in this sprawling drama about the adopted daughter of an oil tycoon. It’s based on the true story of Lydie Marland, who lived half her life as a recluse. Insiders say the screenplay has ‘Oscar’ and ‘classic’ written all over it.
• “Homefront” – Jason Statham and James Franco are onboard for this action movie written by actor-director Sylvester Stallone (“The Expendables”). Statham plays a man who moves his family to a quiet town but finds it overrun with violence, drug traffickers, and an evil meth magnate named ‘Gator’ (Franco). Production begins at the end of September in New Orleans.
• “Scary Movie 5” – Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen are the latest additions to the cast of this horror spoof sequel, which also stars Ashley Tisdale. Sheen will be making his 3rd appearance in the franchise. The 5th instalment involves the dance world, with a snooty, aloof, imperious, and oversexed French director of a dance company putting on a huge production.


• Portland, Oregon – A local woman is spending this Summer visiting and swimming in public pools … while dressed as a mermaid. The 56-year-old, who made the tail and fins herself, says she’s living out a childhood fantasy.
– United Press International
• Ningbo, China – A 67-year-old Chinese woman has found a way to slow down traffic on her busy street … tying a blow-up sex doll to a tree outside her home. Cops concede that since the doll went up, traffic accidents have gone down because motorists are slowing down to gawk.
• Dorset, England – Firefighters have successfully led a man to safety after a blaze began in his apartment as a result of him … trying to dry his underpants in a microwave. The fire involved 2 pairs of tightie-whities and 2 pairs of socks. Fortunately the flames were quickly put out.
– “The Guardian”


Armies in Scandinavia are so concerned about the pollution caused by lead bullets they’re replacing their entire stock with non-toxic versions. Swedish arms manufacturer Nammo pioneered the development of ‘green’ ammunition, which is also designed to reduce the gases given off during firing. It’s thought they can be hazardous to soldiers, especially women of child-bearing age. The idea of a bullet designed to both kill the enemy and be kind to the environment might sound like a joke, until you consider the fact that most ammunition is used in training exercises. (When it comes to the gun range, they’re trying to ‘get the lead out’.)
– BBC News

As a public service to women, experts weigh in on what a guy’s actions might mean at the beach …
• He Strolls the Beach With a Bouncy Step – Conveys confidence and interest. He’s showing himself off for you, and it’s an early clue that he wants you to notice him.
• His Toes Are In the Sand, Pointed At You – Even if his eyes are focused somewhere else, if his feet are directed your way and dug into the sand, he’s still got his sights set on you.
• He Plays With His Board Shorts – If you see him pulling at the drawstring on his trunks or fiddling with the waistband, steamy thoughts are most likely running through his head.
• He Stands Above You – This is a power stance and he’s trying to dominate and show sexual attraction. If his stance is wide, he’s really hot for you.
• He Splashes Around Solo – A childish, immature move; he’s jumping around in the water to try to get your attention when he should be spending more time connecting face-to-face.
• He Touches Your Bare Arm – A tip-off that he’s feeling a serious connection. If he touches your shoulder, however, it only indicates friendship.
• He Takes Off His Sunglasses – If he engages in direct eye contact while chatting with you, he’s displaying real interest and is looking for more than just a Happy Hour companion.
– Condensed from “Cosmopolitan”


Why do medalists from every sport and from every country bite their Olympic medals on the podium? The origin of the oddity lies in the notion of testing the purity of the metal. In their pure forms, gold and silver are both soft enough to mark with your teeth. But according to former athlete Summer Sanders, who won 4 medals in the 1992 games, it’s not a stunt dreamed up by competitors; it’s the media that keeps the cheesy tradition alive, she says, because reporters think it makes for a good picture. (“OK, forget the biting. That’s old hat. Let’s try this …. pretend you’re making out with it.”)
– “San Jose Mercury-News”

• Beer – That nightmare recently came true for one 45-year-old Italian. Fortunately a team of researchers has found that, while he has reactions to 36 types of beer, there are 2 he can drink safely. Beer (and wine) allergies only pop up in about 1% of the population.
• Cold – Exposure to cold air or water causes itchy or swollen skin, large red welts, or hives. It affects roughly 2% of the population, although the rates are higher in both tropical and very cold regions.
• Money – Touching coins, certain types of jewelry or watches, or other items made from nickel can cause a skin rash, itching, and/or dry skin that resembles a burn. Just 6% of men experience this, compared to 10% of women. Better start saving up for gold jewelry!
• Shoes – Contact with leather may cause itchy or swollen skin, rashes, blisters, or a burning sensation. Roughly 1-in-500 people experience these symptoms, according to the World Allergy Organization.
• Sun – Itchy skin and tiny bumps or hives appear 1-to-4 days after sun exposure. Affects roughly 10% of the population, but more in Northern European countries, finds a study from the St. John’s Institute of Dermatology in England.
– Adapted from “Men’s Health”


Wendy’s only outlet in Japan is now selling a new lobster-and-caviar burger. The upscale snack costs the equivalent of about $20. (Where’s the beef?)


1968 [44] Eric Bana (Banadinović), Melbourne, Australia, movie actor (“Star Trek”, “Munich”)

1968 [44] Sam Fogarino, Philadelphia PA, rock drummer (Interpol-“The Heinrich Maneuver”, “Slow Hands”)

1970 [42] Arion Salazar, Oakland CA, alt-rock musician (Third Eye Blind-“Jumper”, “Semi-Charmed Life”)

1976 [36] Jessica Capshaw, Columbia MO, TV actress (‘Dr Arizona Robbins’ on “Grey’s Anatomy” since 2009)

1976 [36] Audrey Tautou, Beaumont, France, movie actress (“Coco Avant Chanel”, “The Da Vinci Code”)

1985 [27] Anna Kendrick, Portland ME, movie actress (“The Twilight Saga”, “Up In the Air”)


• “Book Lovers Day”. No matter where you are, you’re never alone … as long as you have a book. Is reading as good when using a Kindle or iPad?

• “Hand-Holding Day”, set aside to celebrate one of the oldest expressions of reassurance and affection. Everybody has their preferred technique: Some like interlocking, others prefer cupping or the pinky-link. Some prefer being on top, others on the bottom. Some swing both ways.

• “International Day of Indigenous People”, as declared by the UN. But is there really such a thing? Weren’t all people originally wanderers?

• “Clean Out the Kitchen Cabinets Day”. What is the strangest thing you have found in your cupboards?

• “Rice Pudding Day”, celebrating the tasty treat that combines rice, milk, sugar, cinnamon, and raisins. And what’s your secret ingredient?


2002 [10] Elvis Presley’s daughter Lisa Marie weds actor Nicolas Cage (who played an Elvis-impersonator in 1992’s “Honeymoon in Vegas”), an ill-advised union that lasts less than 4 months


1962 [50] Robert Zimmerman legally changes his name to Bob Dylan

1995 [17] Grateful Dead frontman Jerry Garcia dies of a heart attack in a Forest Knolls, California rehab facility at age 53

1955 [57] 1st “Guinness Book of World Records” is published (back when the record for doughnut eating was … 1)


[Fri] “The Bourne Legacy”; “The Campaign”; “Hope Springs” open in movie theaters
[Fri] S’mores Day
[Sat] Kool-Aid Day
[Sat] Garage Sale Day
[Sun] London 2012 Olympics Closing Ceremony
[Sun] Vinyl Record Day
This Week Is … Feeding Pets Of the Homeless Week
This Month Is … Water Quality Month


• “You get this one, I’ll pay next time.”
• “Trust me, I’ll take care of everything.”
• “Don’t worry, he’s never bitten anyone.”
• “I’ll call you later.”
• “I’ve never done anything like this before.”
• “It’s supposed to make that noise.”
• “… then take a left. You can’t miss it.”
• “I love your new outfit!”
• “Don’t worry, it’s OK … I’m sterile.”
• “Now I’m going to tell you the truth.”


Government is unpredictable. You never know what urgent problem they’re not going to do anything about.

You run down the list rapid-fire while a caller/guest/team member selects the less preferred option from each pair …
• Standing at the middle urinal or sitting in the middle stall?
• When your alarm clock goes off or when your first snooze goes off?
• Seeing your sister naked or catching your parents having sex?
• Getting fat or going bald?
• The hottest day of Summer or the coldest day of Winter?
• Standard definition TV or constantly buffering video?
• A couples baby shower or a dry wedding?
• Junk snail-mail or junk email?
• One drink too few or one drink too many?
• Justin Bieber or Justin Bieber fans?


☎ What’s the worst thing your kids have done to embarrass you in public?


Question: More than half of men polled wish women would never buy THIS beauty product again.
Answer: Body glitter.

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

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