Monday, December 5, 2005        Edition: #3173
Sheet For Brains!

WEEKEND TABLOID BS:
• Acting couple Jennifer Garner & Ben Affleck are expected to name their new baby daughter ‘Violet’. Jen gave birth DECEMBER 1st at an LA hospital. By Hollywood standards, what a tame name!
– “Star Magazine” / “E! Online”
• Reports from Michael Jackson’s new home, Bahrain, claim he’s in the process of converting to Islam following the advice of his brother Jermaine, who converted years ago and moved to Dubai. In true spendthrift style, Michael’s said to be building his own mosque … before going broke the umpteenth time.
– PopBitch.com
• Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes are planning an “Independence Day” weekend wedding if their marriage registry at upscale department store Neiman Marcus is to be believed. The couple, listed as ‘Katherine Holmes’ & ‘Thomas Mapother’ (Cruise’s birth name), are registered for gift cards only. Cruise’s newly-appointed publicist, Paul Bloch, is refusing to comment on the registry’s validity as details of the wedding are being kept secret. In 1989, Cruise starred in Oliver Stone’s film “Born on the Fourth of July” … could he be wed on the 4th also?
– “Teen Hollywood”
• Actor Vince Vaughn has been given a sobriety test after he & Jennifer Aniston were pulled over by Scottsdale AZ cops. He passed but was advised not to drive any further – wisely he didn’t. “Lost” stars Michelle Rodriguez & Cynthia Watros weren’t so lucky. They were arrested in Hawaii after both failed sobriety tests in separate vehicles – within 15 minutes of each other!
– “Star Magazine”
• Britney Spears has reportedly had secret meetings with lawyers to discuss divorcing husband Kevin Federline. Word has it she’s fed up with his partying and actually booted him out of their Malibu house LAST WEEK for showing up with a pot-smoking pal. But it didn’t stop there – word is she also had his $175,000 Ferrari 360 Modena towed back to the dealer. Ouch!
– “News of the World”
• Forget ‘Tinkerbell’ the chihuahua and ‘Baby Luv’ the kinkajou, for Christmas this year Paris Hilton wants a tiger. Make that a mini-tiger. “They’re, like, 100 pounds,” she says. (And so much fun – just ask Roy Horn.)
– “Page Six”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Big & Rich – They’ll perform at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena CA JANUARY 4th during halftime of the college football “Bowl Championship Series” title game.
• Bo Bice – TONIGHT he appears on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Gretchen Wilson – The “Redneck Woman” reveals that she dresses ‘preppy’ to avoid being noticed in public. Her disguise includes khakis, flip-flops & an army hat. Well, so much for that camouflage!
• Madonna – She’s just purchased a $3,500 ‘Personal Power Plate’, a vibrating platform that supposedly builds bone mass. Besides helping to repair fractures from her horseback-riding accident, it could help the 47-year-old fight osteoporosis and cellulite as well.
• Marilyn Manson – SATURDAY he wed girlfriend Dita Von Teese at Castle Gurteen in Ireland, the first marriage for both.
• Martina McBride – TODAY she guests on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.

2005 STELLA AWARDS:
An annual nod to those who file silly suits and win, named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, the first to spill coffee on herself and successfully sue McDonald’s for millions. 2005′s ‘winners’ include …
• Kara Walton of Delaware who sued a nightclub and won $12,000 after falling from a ladies’ room window and knocking out her 2 front teeth. This occurred while she was trying to sneak in the window to avoid paying the cover charge of … $3.50.
• Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas who won $14,500 after being bitten on the butt by his neighbor’s beagle … which he had been shooting at repeatedly with a pellet gun.
• Amber Carson who was paid $113,500 by a Philadelphia restaurant after she broke her back from slipping on a soft drink … which she had just thrown at her boyfriend.
• But the overall 2005 winner is Mrs Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma, who purchased a brand new 32-ft Winnebago. On her first trip on the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and went into the back to make a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the vehicle crashed. She then sued because … the manual did not advise against this stupidity. The jury awarded her $1.75 million plus a new motor home. The company has since changed their manual.

BY THE NUMBERS:
Crunching numbers from the weekend wedding of billionairess Athina Roussel Onassis & Brazilian equestrian star Alvaro Alfonso de Miranda (nicknamed ‘Doda’) …
• Ages: She – 20, he – 32, his daughter from a previous marriage – 6.
• Guests: Circa 1000.
• Security guards: Over 400.
• Booze: More than 1,000 bottles of Veuve Clicquot champagne.
• Her inheritance from grandfather, late Greek shipping tycoon Aristotle Onassis: An estimated $2.7 billion (much of it controlled by a foundation).
• Their main home: A $7.2-million, 11,000-sq-ft apartment in Sao Paulo, Brazil.

THEY EVEN BLOOM IN GLOOM:
Dutch company FloraHolland BV has begun selling what it calls ‘Glowing Flowers’, the first-ever  freshly cut flowers that – glow-in-the-dark. The hi-tech roses and chrysanthemums appear white in regular light but emit an eerie green glow for several hours after the lights go out. That’s accomplished by spraying on an invisible chemical that’s not harmful to either flowers or people.
‘Glowing’ chrysanthemums sell for about $1.09 per flower, and roses for $2.93. That’s about 50% more than the regular price. (Meaning a guy should get 50% more brownie points for giving them.)
– AP

DID YOU KNOW?
The Church of Scientology has a $2.5-million underground bomb-proof bunker in the New Mexico desert, so that L Ron Hubbard’s writings will survive the apocalypse.

HAMMER TIME:
• TONIGHT the late Princess Diana’s alternative wedding gown is expected to be the highlight of a celebrity clothing auction at the Proud Gallery in London UK. The dress served as a model for alterations on the David Emmanuel gown she wore in her lavish wedding to Prince Charles in 1981. It’s been in the possession of London’s Madame Tussauds waxworks museum. As an indication of the interest there’s likely to be – fragments of Diana’s actual wedding dress were sold on eBay for a staggering $2 million earlier THIS YEAR. Other items on offer at TONIGHT’s sale include a vest worn by James Dean in the movie “Giant” and Jackie Kennedy Onassis’ maternity dress.
• A 162-year-old Christmas card – one of the first ever printed – has sold at auction in London SATURDAY for $16,000. The hand-colored card, which shows a family celebrating around a table, is one of about 10 surviving from an original batch of 1,000 printed in 1843. The cards were commissioned by Sir Henry Cole, a Londoner who is generally recognized as the inventor of the commercial Christmas card.

HOTTEST CELEBRITY DADS:
10. Charlie Sheen (“Two & a Half Men”)
9. Guy Ritchie (Mr Madonna)
8. Jude Law (he’s a dad when he’s not wrestling with the nanny)
7. Tom Cruise (adopted father of 2 who has a bun in the oven … so they say)
6. Matthew Fox (‘Dr Jack Shephard’ on “Lost”)
5. Benjamin Bratt (‘Major Jim Tisnewski’ on “E-Ring”)
4. Brad Pitt (just filed adoption papers to become legal dad to Angelina Jolie’s 2 adopted kids)
3. Johnny Depp (now shooting two “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequels simultaneously)
2. Will Smith (3 kids from 2 marriages)
1. Ryan Phillippe (Mr Reese Witherspoon, who is father to ‘Ava’ and ‘Deacon’)
– “In Touch Weekly”

AFTER YOUR .ORG HAS .COM:
A final decision on the controversial .xxx online domain suffix has been delayed again. Paul Twomey, president of the Internet Corporation of Assigned Names & Numbers, says the group is still awaiting recommendations from an advisory committee that’s reviewing the proposal, and there are no plans to make a decision at ICANN’s meeting THIS WEEK in Vancouver. (Wouldn’t it make it easier for parents to block inappropriate Websites on little Johnnie’s laptop?)
– BBC News

SHE SAID IT:
“Guy thought it was [bleep].”
– Madonna, telling “Music Monthly” her hubby Guy Ritchie is not a fan of her new album “Confessions on a Dance Floor”. He apparently prefers Irish folk music.

HE SAID IT:
“I read somewhere that people think [actor] Patrick Swayze invented the mullet. Someone needs to tell him I invented the mullet.”
– U2′s Bono, bragging to Australia’s “MX” that he’s too blame for the hideous ‘80s hairstyle.

BS LAW & DISORDER:
• A car was towed to an Edmonton police compound several hours after it was ticketed for illegal parking. That’s not unusual except – the 85-year-old driver was still inside! Apparently it was so cold (-10 C/14 F), the car’s windows frosted over and neither the tow-truck driver nor compound security noticed the senior sitting in the driver’s seat – for several hours.
• ‘Tis the season to fire the goat! Huh? Once again this year, merchants in the town of Gavle, Sweden erected a giant straw goat to mark the holiday season. And over the weekend – once again – vandals set fire to the goat and burned it to the ground. That marks the 22nd time the goat’s gone up in smoke – which in itself is becoming a long-running holiday season tradition.
• And take note if you’re planning to vote in the JANUARY 23rd election. According to the Elections Canada Website, “Eating a ballot … constitutes a serious breach of the Canada Elections Act.” This important information is conveyed under the title – ‘Frequently Asked Questions’.
• It didn’t exactly require a bloodhound to track down a Marion, Indiana meat thief – he chucked steaks and roasts out his car window as he fled cops. The 39-year-old beef burglar was captured after abandoning his car and attempting to flee on foot, but not before he’d hurled most of the 19 packages of meat that had been taken from a local market.

THE BULL SHEET 12.05.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [80] Dave Broadfoot, North Vancouver BC, standup comedian for over 50 years (‘Honorable Member for Kicking Horse Pass’/’Sgt Renfrew’)/TV comic (“Old Enough To Say What I Want”, ex-“Royal Canadian Air Farce”)

1932 [73] Little Richard (Penniman), Macon GA, rock n’ roll pioneer (“Tutti Frutti”, “Good Golly Miss Molly”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1986)

1946 [59] Jose Carreras, Barcelona, Spain, opera singer (The Three Tenors)

1965 [40] John Rzeznik, Buffalo NY, rock singer/guitarist (Goo Goo Dolls-“Give A Little Bit”, “Iris”)

1967 [38] Gary Allan, Montebello CA, country singer (“Best I Ever Had”, “Songs About Rain”)

1985 [20] Frankie Muniz, Ridgewood NJ, TV actor (‘Malcolm Wilkerson’ on “Malcolm in the Middle” since 2000)/movie actor (“Agent Cody Banks”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Bathtub Party Day”, encouraging a luxurious long, hot bath to develop inner peace. Almost everyone nowadays takes showers, so here’s a day to recall some of the luxury of days gone by. Invite a few friends!

• “International Volunteer Day”, honoring the selfless people who make many of the good things in life happen by volunteering their time.

• “Tinsel Day”, in honor of your cat’s favorite gagging toy, your 2-year-old’s favorite poisonous snack, your vacuum cleaner’s favorite clogging device, and your home’s greatest holiday fire hazard. Looks festive though, doesn’t it?

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1854 [151] 1st ‘Folding Theater Chair’ (Aaron Allen-Boston MA, who needed a place to put his gum)

1997 [08] The sleeper movie hit “Good Will Hunting” is released, making stars of Matt Damon & Ben Affleck

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1908 [97] University of Pittsburgh uses 1st football ‘Uniform Numbers’ (imagine play-by-play without numbers – “And the guy with the gimpy ankle passes to the guy with the clump of mud on his helmet. He’s tackled by that other guy in the baggy pants …”)

1929 [76] 1st ‘Nudist Organization’ (‘American League For Physical Culture’-NYC)

1983 [22] NFL licenses the 1st official ‘Football Video Game’

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1952 [53] ‘Krystyne Kolorful’ becomes the world’s ‘Most Decorated Woman’ with tattoos over 95% of her body

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Day of Remembrance & Action on Violence Against Women
[Tues] St Nicholas Day
[Tues] Pawnbrokers Day
[Tues] 2005 Billboard Music Awards (Las Vegas)
[Wed] Grammy Awards nominees announced
[Wed] National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day
[Thurs] Bad Hair Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Cookie Cutter Week / Aplastic Anemia Awareness Week / Tolerance Week / Recipe Greetings for the Holidays Week / Christmas Tree Week

BULL’S BITS

REAL TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “CIA Wants Dr Phil!”
• “Plus-Sized Athletes Compete in ‘Big’ Games!”
• “Frozen Civil War Soldiers Come Alive!”
• “Kim Jong Il Wants to Appear on ‘American Idol’!”
• “Vatican Spokesman Confirms … Peace Talks Under Way Between Angels & Demons!”

MOST-PERFORMED CHRISTMAS SONGS:
5. “White Christmas”
4. “Winter Wonderland”
3. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”
2. “The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)”
1. “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”
– ASCAP

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to business managers, THIS is the #1 thing NOT to do at your office holiday party.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Bring your kids.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
One thing you can give and still keep … is your word.

SALUTE TO SHEETERS:
“BS” welcomes back Aaron Rand @ Q92 [CFQR] Montréal QC for another year of service; we also salute samplers this week that include Myrah @ 88.0 Sound Asia, Nairobi, Kenya; Harley Myles @ Tri-Cities Classic Rock [WQUT] Johnson City TN; Chris Valentine @ 106.9 The Rock [KLUB] Victoria TX; and Jeff Winsor @ 98.7 K-ROCK [CKXD] Gander, Newfoundland. Remember, BSers, we bonus you ONE MONTH FREE for each and every new subscriber you refer!


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