Wednesday, December 15, 2004        Edition: #2931
Ah, the Sweet Smell of BS!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY through Sunday Tom Hanks is one of the thousands attending 60th anniversary remembrance ceremonies for the ‘Battle of the Bulge’ in Belgium, commemorating one of the bloodiest battles of WW2 . . . Vegas odds on the Oscars pick “The Aviator” as the early favorite to win ‘Best Picture’, Johnny Depp for ‘Best Actor’ & Imelda Staunton as overwhelming favorite for ‘Best Actress’ for her title role in the movie “Vera Drake” . . . Prying eyes in NYC have spotted wildman Irish actor Colin Farrell & actress-turned-pseudo-singer Lindsay Lohan together on 2 consecutive nights (let the rumors begin!) . . . “Desperate Housewives” actress Teri Hatcher has made amends with estranged husband Jon Tenney and they’re giving the marriage a 2nd chance for the sake of their daughter Emerson . . . “National Treasure” star Nicolas Cage says that, instead of Viagra, he wears ruby rings called ‘Carnelion stones’ on each hand to improve his sex drive (a wife 19-years-younger doesn’t hurt either) . . . Speaking of which, 49-year-old actor Bruce Willis attended the premiere of “Ocean’s Twelve” with “Days of Our Lives” actress Nadia Bjorlin – 25 years younger! . . . It’s been leaked who’ll have the much-talked-about girl-on-girl affair with Mischa Barton’s “OC” character ‘Marissa’ in an upcoming episode – it’s ‘Alex Kelly’, played by Olivia Wilde . . . And could this be the tackiest reality show of all? FOX-TV will air “Who’s Your Daddy?” on JANUARY 2nd, in which adopted contestants try to figure out which of 8 men is their real pop (then sue his irresponsible ass).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Aerosmith – Guitarist-turned-entrepreneur Joe Perry has unveiled his new ‘Rock Your World’ hot sauce at a launch party held at the Beverly Hills Hard Rock Café.
• Britney Spears – During a visit to Picasso restaurant in Las Vegas’ Bellagio Hotel, she reportedly ordered a prime-cut $180 steak … for her tiny pet Chihuahua ‘Bit Bit’. (Who left a little ‘tip’ under the table.)
• Jennifer Lopez – “In Touch” reports she’s tossed out all of hubby Marc Anthony’s briefs and  bought him 50 pairs of boxer shorts in cotton, silk & satin. Why? She heard that men who wear constrictive briefs have less success at fathering a child. (She also sold his bicycle.)
• LeAnn Rimes – TONIGHT she joins JoJo, Ruben Studdard & Vanessa Williams for the “Christmas in Washington” concert on Turner Network Television (TNT).
• Mariah Carey – She’ll begin marketing a new line of lingerie & underwear under the ‘Kiss Kiss’ label to coincide with the release of her next album in JUNE.
• Randy Bachman – TODAY his first electric guitar, a red Sears Silvertone he received as a gift from his parents in the late 1950s, is being sold at a Toronto music memorabilia auction.
NET: http://www.empireauctions.com/toronto-rock-01.html
• Sarah McLachlan – TONIGHT she’s on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Three Days Grace – They plan to start recording another album in FEBRUARY, based on ideas they’ve laid down in a mini-studio in the back of their tour bus.
• Tim McGraw – Daybreak Productions has purchased movie rights to his hit “Live Like You Were Dying”. The as-yet-unnamed film project will center on the theme of dealing with death.

BS BUZZWORDS:
New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Shnovel’ – A self-help book disguised as a novel. (“We’re gonna clean up with Dr Phil’s new book, “The Da Vinci Relationship Rescue.”)
• ‘Living Assets’ – A company’s employees, also referred to as ‘human capital resources’ or ‘carbon units’. Similarly, students in educational institutions are known as ‘funding units’. (Next semester we expect to average 32 funding units per classroom.”)
• ‘Wal-Martian’ – A person who does most of their shopping at Wal-Mart or who works there. (“Thanks to my masters degree in philosophy I can look forward to a scintillating career as a Wal-Martian greeter.”)

BERRY GOOD NEWS:
The British Dental Health Foundation has announced that a host of oral health problems, including gum disease and tooth decay, can be prevented by – cranberries. Following up on research carried out by the University of Rochester in New York, the BDHF discovered that cranberry juice stops harmful bacteria from sticking to teeth. Cranberry juice also ensures that plaque never gets a chance to form. (Wow, really cool … if you want red teeth.)
– ANI

AWARD FOR BAD SEX:
NYC author Tom Wolfe (“Bonfire of the Vanities”) has won one of the most dreaded literary awards, the 2004 prize for ‘Bad Sex in Fiction’ from the London-based “Literary Review”. A couple of excerpts from his ‘award’-winning new novel “I Am Charlotte Simmons” …
• “But the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns — oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest – no, the hand was cupping her entire right – Now!”
• “Slither slither slither slither went the tongue …”
Wolfe is the first author in the 12-year history of the competition to decline to attend the award ceremony and accept the official statuette and bottle of champagne.
- CNN

HOW TO GET BETTER IN BED:
University of the West of England sleep scientist Dr Chris Alford says many couple suffer from bad bed etiquette. 66% of couples complain their partner snores, 37% say they sleep better by themselves, and 35% say their partner hogs the covers. Here are his recommendations on how couples can get a better night’s sleep …
• Put off difficult discussions and decisions until morning – and try to avoid confrontations.
• Remember that drinking alcohol increases snoring and could make you wake up early.
• Skip watching TV or reading when your partner is trying to fall asleep.
• Caffeine takes hours to leave your body, so be careful what you drink as bedtime nears.
• Heavy exercise or a hot bath close to bedtime actually keeps you up longer.
– “National Enquirer”

THE MEASURE OF HEALTH:
Several new studies show that having a large waist is a high risk factor for a heart attack or serious heart disease. So get out a measuring tape: if you’re a man, the danger point is 40 inches or higher. For a woman, a waist of 30 inches or larger could be a sign of serious trouble.
Waist circumference is the new ‘vital sign’, says University of Colorado heart expert Dr Robert Eckel. (Oh my god we’re all gonna die … before New Years.)
– Reuters

LOSING CONTROL:
Shoppers are less likely to be conscious of how much money they’re spending after they commit to an initial purchase. A joint Duke-Yale study finds the effect is similar to drinking alcohol. Once you have the first drink you’re much more likely to buy a second, because of lower inhibitions and a lowering of self-control. (Or you could say it’s the shopping equivalent of ‘breaking the seal’ – your first visit of the night to the john.)
– “Boston Herald”

FOR THE RECORD:
THIS WEEK the Persian Gulf emirate of Bahrain celebrated its national day by unfurling the ‘World’s Largest Flag’, a red & white banner measuring 556-feet-long (169.5 m) and 319-feet-wide (97.1 m). It was officially declared world’s largest by a rep from the “Guinness Book of Records” and will appear in NEXT YEAR’s edition of the book. Oh, by the way, the flag was made … in China.

BS AMAZING FACT:
A Bengal tiger has given birth to a lion’s baby in Russia’s Novosibirsk Zoo. It’s the first recorded ‘Liger’ cub in history. She’s called ‘Zita’.

AND WE QUOTE:
“I can’t believe that thing was in me!”
– Cincinnati hospital patient Grace Radtke, after doctors operated on her to remove a non-cancerous, ovarian tumor weighing – whoa! – 66 lbs! She’s checked out of the hospital weighing considerably less than the 200 lbs she registered upon entry.

THE BULL SHEET 12.15.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [71] Tim Conway, Willoughby OH, TV funnyman (‘Barnacle Boy’ on “SpongeBob SquarePants”, 4 Emmy Awards-“Carol Burnett Show”)/movie actor (“McHale’s Navy”)

1949 [55] Don Johnson, Flatt Creek MO, former TV actor (“Nash Bridges” 1996-2001, “Miami Vice” 1984-89)/movie actor (“Tin Cup”)/married & divorced actress Melanie Griffith – twice

1955 [49] Paul Simonon, Brixton UK, classic rock musician (The Clash-“Rock the Casbah”, “Train in Vain [Stand by Me]”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2003)

1966 [38] Molly Price, North Plainfield NJ, TV actress (‘Faith Yokas’ on “Third Watch” since 1999)

1981 [23] George Gore II, Fort Washington MD, TV actor (‘Michael Kyle Jr’ on “My Wife & Kids” since 2001)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY through December 29th are known as “Halcyon Days”. The 7 days before and 7 days after the Winter Solstice were known to the ancients as a time when the fabled bird known as a ‘halcyon’ calmed the wind and the waves. It’s supposedly a time of peace and tranquility. (Ha!)

TODAY is “Bill of Rights Day”, celebrating the anniversary of the signing of the Bill of Rights (1791) and its incorporation into the US Constitution. (Which no doubt will be found to contain some hidden message in “National Treasure 2″.)
NET: http://www.billofrights.org

TOMORROW the “Man Will Never Fly Society” (founded December 16, 1959) holds its annual meeting in Kitty Hawk NC, the site of the Wright Bros first flight 101 years ago on December 17, 1903. The wacky group’s motto is: ‘Bird’s fly, men drink.’
PHONER: 919.261.6475 (Ed North)
NET: http://manwillneverfly.com

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1939 [65] Movie classic “Gone with the Wind” premieres at Lowe’s Grand Theater in Atlanta GA (later wins 8 Academy Awards, including ‘Best Picture’, ‘Best Director’, ‘Best Actress’ [Vivien Leigh], and ‘Best Supporting Actress’ [Hattie McDaniel])

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1854 [150] 1st ‘mechanical street cleaning machine’ (the kind that wakes you up at 3 am)

1952 [52] 1st person to have a ‘sex-change operation’ (voluntarily, that is) as American George Jorgenson is pruned into Christine Jorgenson in Denmark (do they preserve it in a jar or what?)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] “The Apprentice 2″ finalé
[Thurs] National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
[Thurs] Eat What You Want Day
[Fri] Underdog Day
[Tues] 1st Day of Winter (7:42 am EST)
This Week Is . . . International Language Week
This Month Is . . . Bingo’s Birthday Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BEST HOLIDAY SEASON DVDs FOR GUYS:

1. “The Ref”, starring Denis Leary (1994)
2. “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”, Chevy Chase (1989)
3. “Bad Santa”, Billy Bob Thornton (2003)
4. “Scrooged”, Bill Murray (1988)
5. “The Family Man”, Nicolas Cage (2000)
– AskMen.com

MOST POPULAR HOLIDAY SONGS:
An Edison Media Research poll of women 30-49 finds these are their favorite yuletide tunes ….
1. “The Christmas Song”, Nat King Cole
2. “A Holly Jolly Christmas”, Burl Ives
3. “O Holy Night”, Celine Dion
4. “Jingle Bell Rock”, Bobby Helms
5.  “Happy X-mas (War is Over)”, John Lennon
– CP

ALL-TIME MOST HIDEOUS HOLIDAY ALBUMS:
(Listed chronologically.)
• “Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album” (1980)
• “Meowy Christmas” by the Jingle Cats (1993)
• “Christmas Unleashed” by the Jingle Dogs (1994)
• “Christmas With the Brady Bunch” (1995)
•  “Christmas Island” by Jimmy Buffett (1996)
• “A Rosie Christmas” by Rosie O’Donnell dueting with various artists (1999)
• “Christmas Remixed: Holiday Classics Re-Grooved” by various club DJs (2003)
• “Hung for the Holidays” by William Hung (2004)
– MTV News

TOP WEB SEARCH TERMS OF THE YEAR:
1. Janet Jackson (her Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction  is most-searched topic in Web history)
2. Paris Hilton (sex tape)
3. Clay Aiken (81 consecutive weeks at #3)
– Lycos Internet search engine

BS WEB GOODIE:
For the hard to buy for – you can now buy a square-foot of the Glencairn Estate in northeast Scotland online and receive with it the ‘fun title’ of  Lord or Lady of Glencairn – for about $58. The kit includes a deed of ownership, a map of the estate, and an ID card which proves your new title. A scam? Undoubtedly … but a fun one!
NET: http://www.thanksdarling.com

BS PHONE STARTER:
• What’s the naughtiest thing you did all year? Come clean and maybe the big guy will bring you something for Christmas!
• Have you received a dreaded annual ‘family bulletin’ from a friend or relative for the holidays? Read us the most obnoxious excerpts. (UK journalist Simon Hoggart has collected hundreds that were sent in from Brits, Canadians, Australians & Americans for a new book called “The Cat That Could Open the Fridge”.)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS is the most common thing that parents tell their kids.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: “Close the door!”

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
It is the test of a good religion if you can joke about it.


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