Tuesday, December 23, 2003        Edition: #2693
Get a Load of This Sheet!

The buzz in Hollywood is that David Letterman may NOT renew his contract with CBS-TV NEXT YEAR, because he just got married, had a baby and – continually gets killed in the ratings by Jay Leno (Letterman’s camp denies it – so it’s maybe true?) . . . London’s “Independent” newspaper is reporting that Princess Diana was pregnant when she died in that car crash in Paris 6 years ago (wonder who the daddy was?) . . . Before he was a rapper, Eminem was an aspiring artist, creating intricate pencil sketches which his uncle Todd Nelson scooped up and has now decided to put up for auction – with starting bids of $8,000 to $12,000 (wow, guess garbage picking really CAN pay off!) . . . Has-been country crooner Kenny Rogers is set to become a dad of twins – at age 65 (he’s old enough to be a dad to his 37-year-old 5th wife Wanda) . . . Producers of the London version of the hit ABBA stage musical “Mamma Mia!” are hoping to reunite the group as part of the show’s 5th anniversary celebrations (not likely – they turned down a reported $1 billion 4 years ago for a reunion tour) . . . FOX-TV’s latest reality show concept is called ”Forever Eden”, in which singles live in a luxury resort for years on end in return for allowing cameras to follow them around (“The Truman Show” for the small screen) . . . Sharp-eyed movie fans have so far reported 45 continuity mistakes in “The Return of the King” to the Website moviemistakes.com, such as a scar which moves from ‘Frodo’s’ right cheek to his left (as if Peter Jackson gives a crap – there’s already $250 million in the till!) . . . Former televangelist and bad-makeup queen Tammy Faye Bakker Messner has a new gig – headlining a ‘Drag Bingo Benefit’ for AIDS in Durham NC NEXT MONTH . . . 57-year-old Cher says some of the naughtier takes from the movie “Stuck on You” of her and 17-year-old Frankie Muniz in bed ended up on the cutting room floor, but she’s hoping they make it into the DVD version (eww gross, an old lady in the sack with a kid – is she in a cult with Michael Jackson or something?).

• “Jeepers Creepers 2″ (Horror – DVD): Still not sated after “Jeepers Creepers”, the winged ‘Creeper’ goes on the hunt for more flesh in this no-name gross-out sequel. The prey – a group of varsity basketball players, cheerleaders, and coaches returning home on a bus from a championship game.
• “Alex & Emma” (Romantic Comedy – DVD/VHS): Luke Wilson plays an author having trouble paying back the 100-grand he owes Cuban loan sharks because he’s suffering from writer’s block. He hires a stenographer (Kate Hudson) to help him complete his novel and – you guessed it – they fall in love. Soon, his novel begins to imitate real life … and vice versa.
• “The Medallion” (Action Comedy – DVD): Martial-arts action hero Jackie Chan stars as a Hong Kong detective who suffers a near fatal accident while investigating a case involving a mysterious medallion. He soon discovers that with the powerful medallion in his possession he is transformed into a ‘Highbinder’ – an immortal warrior with superhuman speed, strength and skills. Really cool fisticuffs ensue.

Bell ExpressVu, CBC Sports and the NHL have launched “Hockey Night in Canada Plus”, an interactive television service. The enhanced program will be available to Bell ExpressVu subscribers with interactive receivers on channel 276, and offers alternate-camera angles and video. (Does it also include color muting for Don Cherry’s outfits?)

According to etiquette proponent, The Emily Post Institute, garbage collectors are among those one should tip during the holiday season. The institute suggests that each trash hauler should receive a stipend of $10 to $20, which should be mailed directly to them after one calls the disposal company and gets their names. An alternative is to stand in the road and intercept them at the curb. (And don’t forget that the institute also recommends sending your favorite radio personality a 40-pounder of rum.)

Britain’s Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has launched a campaign to improve – the sex life of turkeys. Their scientists claim the male birds are now bred to have breasts that are so large they can’t get close enough to hens to mate. In fact, any attempt could seriously injure a female. The RSPCA is calling for new legislation to protect turkeys from a life in which they are ‘denied the opportunity to express natural behavior’. ([Co-host] has had the same problem for years.)

Here’s the latest must-have for the excessively rich and vacuous – hiring a professional to decorate their homes’ exterior for the holidays. For a hefty fee, decorating contractors not only design and mount decorations but also maintain them, replacing dead bulbs or broken timers, and removing the decorations and storing them when the season is over. (“The Fab 5 did our lights. Who did your pitiful little display?”)

A new survey of driving habits finds that Sagittarians and Scorpios speed more than drivers with other signs, while Pisceans are the most patient behind the wheel. The poll of over a 1,000 drivers by Virgin Corp also reveals that those born under the sign of Gemini love their cars the most and Librans are the least bothered by traffic jams.

A company called Chosen Voyage has launched the world’s only all-kosher cruise line. The first 7-night Caribbean cruise left San Juan, Puerto Rico earlier THIS MONTH and two more cruises are scheduled in JANUARY. To qualify as kosher, many items on board beside food had to be replaced, such as dinnerware. Seems you can’t kosherize old porcelain.
PHONER: 1.866.462.4673

• The Dublin-based ‘National Center for Liturgy’, which monitors Catholic church rituals, is furious over risque behavior at Irish funerals. One recent service featured mourners downing pints of beer around the coffin while draping women’s panties around the body. Priests will now not only crack down on funeral partying but also ban dirty jokes and cursing in eulogies, no matter how bawdy a character the deceased was. (Party poopers!)
• Add this one to the list of embarrassing ways to die: A man has been killed at a recycling plant near Norwich, England after apparently falling into – a paper shredder. (Oh well, at least his identity is secure.)
• The German city of Cologne is slapping a new ‘sex tax’ on brothels, sauna clubs and massage parlors that works out to 150 euros per bed per month. (From now on, it won’t just be the customers getting screwed.)
• A nondenominational church will lease the building housing Atlanta’s infamous strip parlor, The Gold Club, and hold its first services there early NEXT YEAR. The club was shut down after a sensational racketeering trial in 2001. Church members will start cleaning out the building THIS WEEKEND. (“Now this morning’s announcements: Our women’s outreach group will hold pole-dancing for the poor this Friday night …”)
•  An 81-year-old Norwegian man in an electric wheelchair took a wrong turn in Oslo and ended up veering onto – a 3-lane highway. Cops pulled over the wheelchair as cars whizzed by at 75 mph, but say the old man seemed unfazed. (Although his left blinker was stuck on.)

Over 4 million tons of holiday gift wrap is collected by trash haulers each year.
Source: The just-published new book, “The Christmas List”.


1943 [60] Harry Shearer, LA CA, comedian/TV actor (numerous voices including ‘Smithers’ & ‘Otto the Bus Driver’ on “The Simpsons”)/movie actor (“A Mighty Wind”, “This Is Spinal Tap”)

1947 [56] Susan Lucci, Scarsdale NY, TV soap opera actress (‘Erica Kane’ on “All My Children” since 1970) who’s 1 for 21 at the Emmy Awards

1964 [39] Eddie Vedder (Mueller), Evanston IL, alternative rock singer (Pearl Jam- “Jeremy”, “Last Kiss”)

180 years ago TODAY (1823), “A Visit from St Nicholas” by Clement C Moore was first published in the “Troy (NY) Sentinel”. Here’s the updated BS version –.
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the land
Mothers and fathers were taking a stand!
“We’re tired of this jolly old soul named St. Nick
Taking the credit for the presents we picked!
Each year we go out and work off our butts
To pay for these presents, we must have been nuts!
Well, we’re mad as hell! We won’t take it no more!
The time has come, Santa, to settle the score.
Pack up your red bag and get back on your sleigh,
And clean up that mess Prancer left, by the way!
WE hung these stockings and WE trimmed this tree!
WE paid for these gifts with our sweat, so you see,
Go back to your sleigh and your nasty reindeer
Things will be different, starting this year!”
So we heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
“Tell those snotty-nosed rugrats, it’s been no delight!
They pulled on my beard! They spit in my face!
They peed on my suit! It’s been a disgrace!
I needed a break from this job anyway
The hours are rough, not to mention the pay!
So I think we’ll head south and soak up some sun,
So tell all those brats, I’m finished! I’m done!”
As he jumped in his sleigh and headed from sight,
We heard him tell Rudolph –
“Turn off that damn light!”

1996 [07] “Baywatch” actress Donna D’Errico weds Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx in Malibu CA

1997 [06] Woody Allen & step-daughter Soon-Yi Previn quietly wed in Venice, Italy

1951 [52] 1st ‘coast-to-coast televised football game’ as LA Rams beat Cleveland Browns 24-17 for NFL championship

1987 [16] 1st ‘non-stop around-the-world flight’ (Dick Rutan & Jeana Yeager)

[Wed] Christmas Eve
[Wed] National Egg Nog Day
[Thurs] Christmas Day
[Thurs] A’ Phabet Day (No ‘L’)
[Thurs] “Peter Pan”, “Cold Mountain” & “Cheaper By The Dozen” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Kwanzaa begins
[Fri] Boxing Day (Canada, UK, some Caribbean countries)
[Fri] St Stephen’s Day
[Fri] National Whiner’s Day
[Fri] Recyclable Packaging Day
[Fri] Awful Tie Day
[Sat] National Fruitcake Day
[Sun] Card Playing Day

Winter Month
Stress-Free Family Holiday Month


• Asbestos
• Healthy Feast Tofu Bluffin’ Stuffin’
• Prison Garbage
• Burnt-Out Lightbulbs
• Krazy Glue
• Winning Lottery Tickets
• Feathers
• Carnie Wilson’s Lipo Leftovers
• Gasoline-Soaked Dynamite
Source: “Maxim”

The week’s most requested music files online …
1. Kelis – “Milkshake”
2. OutKast – “Hey Ya”
3. Linkin Park – “Numb”
4. OutKast – “The Way You Move”
5. Dido – “White Flag”
Source: “Big Champagne”

• “Who’s the hardest person to buy for on your gift list?” (According to an International Mass Retail Association poll, most of us find spouses most difficult to buy for, followed by parents.)
• “What do you intend to be doing at the stroke of midnight New Year’s Eve?” (According to a “Redbook” poll, fully 50% of us expect to be ‘doing it’ when the clock strikes 12.)

Today’s Question: The average human produces 10,000 gallons of THIS in a lifetime.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Saliva.

If it weren’t for the last minute, an awful lot of things would never get done.

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